Author courtneykay Posted June 5, 2015 Author Share Posted June 5, 2015 Update: Okay so theoretically skipping the beach trip would be a good idea, but it's a trip organized by my family for my grandparents 60th anniversary and we aren't paying for it. I'm just happy to get that extra time to spend with him! Talked on the phone for a few hours and while there were definitely some tears and arguing, I am pleased with how it turned out. He apologized for making me feel unwanted as that was not his intention, he is only concerned about my financial situation. He then told me he wanted me to come and offered to pay for the tickets. Now let's hope that his mom decides to stay home (ha!) He told me he's been arguing with her non stop and she is trying to be manipulative by saying that she is the better choice because she can drive a stick and I can't. God bless this woman. He told her that he wants me to come and she can deal with it or stay home. We'll see how this all plays out. In the mean time we have to figure out how to remain in contact for the two weeks he's in Europe, blah! Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Update: Okay so theoretically skipping the beach trip would be a good idea, but it's a trip organized by my family for my grandparents 60th anniversary and we aren't paying for it. I'm just happy to get that extra time to spend with him! Talked on the phone for a few hours and while there were definitely some tears and arguing, I am pleased with how it turned out. He apologized for making me feel unwanted as that was not his intention, he is only concerned about my financial situation. He then told me he wanted me to come and offered to pay for the tickets. Now let's hope that his mom decides to stay home (ha!) He told me he's been arguing with her non stop and she is trying to be manipulative by saying that she is the better choice because she can drive a stick and I can't. God bless this woman. He told her that he wants me to come and she can deal with it or stay home. We'll see how this all plays out. In the mean time we have to figure out how to remain in contact for the two weeks he's in Europe, blah! Just out of curiosity, is he her only son, or the youngest? Link to post Share on other sites
Author courtneykay Posted June 5, 2015 Author Share Posted June 5, 2015 Just out of curiosity, is he her only son, or the youngest? Yup, only son and the youngest. He has an older sister. I understand loving your children and all, but I don't think I've ever met anyone as almost obsessive with them as she is. It makes sense as he is flying the coop, but he's already been gone for four years due to college.. Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Yup, only son and the youngest. He has an older sister. I understand loving your children and all, but I don't think I've ever met anyone as almost obsessive with them as she is. It makes sense as he is flying the coop, but he's already been gone for four years due to college.. Oh dear. Best of luck with her. If you guys stick it out, you're going to have to have a talk with him about lining things up with his mom. You're not competition. But, youngest and only son is a tough combination. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Update: Okay so theoretically skipping the beach trip would be a good idea, but it's a trip organized by my family for my grandparents 60th anniversary and we aren't paying for it. I'm just happy to get that extra time to spend with him! Talked on the phone for a few hours and while there were definitely some tears and arguing, I am pleased with how it turned out. He apologized for making me feel unwanted as that was not his intention, he is only concerned about my financial situation. He then told me he wanted me to come and offered to pay for the tickets. Now let's hope that his mom decides to stay home (ha!) He told me he's been arguing with her non stop and she is trying to be manipulative by saying that she is the better choice because she can drive a stick and I can't. God bless this woman. He told her that he wants me to come and she can deal with it or stay home. We'll see how this all plays out. In the mean time we have to figure out how to remain in contact for the two weeks he's in Europe, blah! It shouldn't be too difficult to stay in touch while he's in Europe, depending on where he's going. (You can see from my username that I'm also in Europe) Wifi is everywhere and most companies offer good data packages to be used abroad. I imagine the contact will be somewhat less frequent as he'll be with his friends, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. As the others said, I still see some red flags. I'm not sure how much I could trust someone who has so recently gone behind me back to do something he knew I wouldn't like. He's got a problem with transparency, apparently. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 he'll be with his friends, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I guess you didn't get the part about him going to Europe for 2 weeks with his mom. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 I guess you didn't get the part about him going to Europe for 2 weeks with his mom. Sorry, his mom. It still doesn't change my stance on frequency of contact while he's away. There's no real reason why he can't be in touch in that period, though it probably won't be as often. That was rather beside my point, though. My point was that his actions recently are giving OP legitimate reasons not to fully trust him. There are lots of red flags. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author courtneykay Posted June 10, 2015 Author Share Posted June 10, 2015 Good news: As I said, bf bought me plane tickets to come help him move. His mom was trying to convince him otherwise, but now she's not coming, yay. Bad news: He's still not budging on living alone. I found this super nice & affordable place and sent him a link to it. He showed me the places he's applying to live with her, and yeah they are decent and cheap...but the place I sent him is a HUGE improvement and maybe around $100 more. I called him out. His argument for living with a girl is that he would only do it if it was "really cheap and really nice." Well I found a ONE BEDROOM that is really cheap, and really nice....so he said "I'll look it over." And of course we are on a 7 hr time difference right now as he is in Europe and communication is limited. GAHH. I feel like things would just be SO much better and easier if he would just give this whole thing up and find a single bedroom apartment. From what I've seen, there really isn't much of a price difference. I'm just so tired of fighting about this. Why can't he realize he is being dumb? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Good news: As I said, bf bought me plane tickets to come help him move. His mom was trying to convince him otherwise, but now she's not coming, yay. Bad news: He's still not budging on living alone. I found this super nice & affordable place and sent him a link to it. He showed me the places he's applying to live with her, and yeah they are decent and cheap...but the place I sent him is a HUGE improvement and maybe around $100 more. I called him out. His argument for living with a girl is that he would only do it if it was "really cheap and really nice." Well I found a ONE BEDROOM that is really cheap, and really nice....so he said "I'll look it over." And of course we are on a 7 hr time difference right now as he is in Europe and communication is limited. GAHH. I feel like things would just be SO much better and easier if he would just give this whole thing up and find a single bedroom apartment. From what I've seen, there really isn't much of a price difference. I'm just so tired of fighting about this. Why can't he realize he is being dumb? Because there are really no consequences. He's going to do what he wants, and apparently what he wants is to live with her. You can't force him to make a different decision - he is evidently set on sharing with her. Only thing to do here is to decide if you want to support that decision and stay, or end it. I don't think it will work out if you stay together and he lives with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 Um... at this stage he is basically moving in with a partner/potential partner and cares so little about what you think about it, he isn't even remotely bothered by your concerns. This is because he doesn't care if he loses you or not. A man who cherishes his relationship would not be doing this. Guarantee you they'll move in, you'll hear from him less and less and he'll seamlessly start a relationship with his new girl. Why are you even waiting around to watch that happen? Time to question what's actually wrong with your self respect that you're putting up with this, playing the 'pick me!' dance by trying to send him one bedroom apartment listings, he's probably mocking you behind your back with her for still being desperate enough to hang on. Imagine how close they already are, choosing an apartment together, picking out furnishes, planning the fun things they'll do when they move in. Does that not sort of make you mad enough to scrape up some remaining dignity and end it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author courtneykay Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 I'm not the type of person to make ultimatums. I'm not going to say "if you live in with a girl, I'll break up with you." It's just not the way I approach things, while I am sure that may work for some people. Am I upset that he is living with a girl? Yes. Believe me, it is something that we have talked about time and time again. And I'm not going to just break up with him because of this. He has a girlfriend. And she has a boyfriend, who she has been dating for 6 years LD, and is now very close to where he lives. My boyfriend has assured me that I have nothing to worry about. Long before this even happened, he was telling me about how this girl got a job at the station with him and he was worried about it because he doesn't get along with her well at all. He says that he simply needs a roommate, and he would rather it be someone he know than someone random. He's lived with girls before, and it has never been a problem. I trust him. I know what you're all going to say, he is going to cheat on me, everyone cheats, etc. etc. But I just don't buy it. We are in love with each other and see a future together. Yeah I get it, he's moving in with a girl even though I told him I don't like the idea of it. But if he wasn't committed to us, would he really be spending hundreds of dollars to fly me out to him and planning visits? It's not just a petty relationship that I'm going to throw away because he is doing something I disagree with. I'm sorry to get defensive - I just know my relationship, and I know my boyfriend, and know he would not cheat on me. Of course it concerns me, but I said it once and I'll say it again, I trust him. It seems like the common piece of advice people tend to give everyone is to break it off. So please, if that is your solution, don't bother. He may or may not be moving in with a girl, but I need to find a way to handle it and am wanting to give this a shot, not break up before we even give it a try. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 My advice is: never plan a surprise visit, or... in other words: never knock on his door unannounced. I am sure you'd find a situation you wouldn't be happy with. Be happy. Out of sight, out of minde. Enjoy the vacation week and following days. Link to post Share on other sites
Author courtneykay Posted June 12, 2015 Author Share Posted June 12, 2015 My advice is: never plan a surprise visit, or... in other words: never knock on his door unannounced. I am sure you'd find a situation you wouldn't be happy with. Be happy. Out of sight, out of minde. Enjoy the vacation week and following days. Why should I always assume the worst and expect him to cheat on me? Yeah, people cheat. But it isn't an inevitable part of every relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 12, 2015 Share Posted June 12, 2015 If this woman has a BF & you are confident that your guy won't cheat then it shouldn't matter if he lives with her living alone far from home is lonely. Living with her he'll have somebody to split the bills with & have dinner with & talk to. Even though the one bedroom place you found is only $100 more in rent, it's more overall because of the other expenses. If that place is $1500 & the place with her is $1400, with her the security deposit is $2100 & he only has to come up with $1050. On his own he has to come up with $2250. If electricity is $100 per month alone but $150 with her he still only has to pay $75 with her. Do you see where the savings are now? Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 Why should I always assume the worst and expect him to cheat on me? I don't know? Did you assume the worst and expect him to cheat on you? I'm not sure how that is related to my post. I said I am sure you wouldn't be happy with what you'd find. That is inevitable. Link to post Share on other sites
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