This is making me crazy!!!!

[memomma]

I'm going a bit crazy it seems.

I have retained an attorney and FINALLY my husband believes me when I say I cannot/will not go on any longer the way we were.

Now....he says he is sorry and that he loves me.

I don't feel that way towards him any longer. All I feel now is guilty and sad that I am hurting him by divorcing him.

I have not actually filed the papers but I haven't changed my mind. It's just hard for me to do this.....to hurt him.

He is telling me every day that he loves me. I don't want to hear that. I want us to just be adults, recognize the fact that we do not belong together and figure out the best way to end the marraige.

Whenever I try to talk to him about this, he starts crying.

It makes me so angry. I don't want to listen to him cry. I want him to help me figure out the best way to end this. It's over. It's been over. Now let's just figure out what to do and how to do it.

So.....I really just needed to get that off my chest.

Does anyone have any advice on how to move forward without feeling so guilty because of his tears? I really don't know that it is true that he is in love with me as much as it is true that he is afraid to be alone. I just feel

almost smothered by his clinginess and moping around here feeling sorry for himself.

[meanon]

The situation you describe is very common: one person wants out, wants to find a way of dissolving a dead marriage but hates to hurt their spouse who is still in love and has a very different view of the marriage.

 

It sounds as though you have been trying to leave for a long time but that your husband has been in denial. Getting him to actually deal with the situation is a major step forward. Well done. What you do next very much depends on what financial resources you have available, how long you feel able to stay and how important it is to you to remain on good terms (necessary if you have kids).

 

If you feel you can't stay and you can afford to leave then just do it. You've done your best to give him time but he has chosen not to listen to you. You can do the legal stuff now or later, once the dust has settled. Alternatively you may want/have to stay and work through the practicalities with him. He won't be able to do this until he has accepted that the marriage is over. It is a process. You are at the end, he's at the beginning. At his stage, it's natural to grieve for the loss of the marriage and to resist change. The grief reaction will ease soon but it may then be replaced by anger. You can help him but bear in mind that if you are in the habit of looking after your husband, then you will have to stop. He won't behave like an adult otherwise.

 

You don't say what has led to this point but if it is more than just people growing apart over time then that is your starting point. Does he understand what has gone wrong in the marriage? If he bears some responsibility for it, does he accept it? Does he also accept the consequences in terms of the effect it's had on your feelings for him? Sorry means little if you keep repeating the same behaviour and it very much sounds like he has ignored you for a very long time. Now, at last, he is listening in that he is reacting, but he is still in denial. Challenge it.

 

Guilt is inevitable but it is much less of a issue over time if you share an understanding about the story of your marriage. He may never actively agree that the ending of the marriage was necessary, but he will accept it in time either with or without your help. Good luck

[memomma]

Thank you for you reply.

It is so helpful to me to have someone outside of the relationship to evaluate it and them comment on things.

I have told him that we are officially separated. We've not slept in the same bed since March 1st. I really do think he does understand how we have gotten to this point and is accepting of his part in the failure of our marriage. He is now trying to change things but I feel as if he is only making these changes in order to prevent me from filing for divorce. If he had independently made the changes prior to learning of the divorce..that would be different. I just do not trust his motives.

I am trying to cover all of my bases prior to actually filing. Right now I am waiting for our income taxes to be filed....he has asked for an extension of them. Our accountant has all the necessary paperwork and is is the process of doing them for us. We file jointly.

I also am the primary care giver of a disabled child who has been in my home for almost four years. Filing for divorce means selling the house and the house is the source of my income. I am a nurse and the house has been modified to take care of this child. I am in the process of seeking alternative placement for this little boy. I will know more about this the second week of May.

I have had our home appraised by a real estate agent and know the equity involved so by selling the house and dividing the proceeds equally...this money will enable me to purchase a new home of my own.

I have talked with him about how I think we should divide our assets so that we can do this without too much complications. I know after I hear from the long term care facility about this child I will need to talk to him once again and then contact the attorney to file.

It's just over for me. I know that and he deserves to be with someone who loves him......not just tolerates him. It was not my intention to end up with a divorce but I saw it coming, told him it would happen if things didn't improve and he choose to ignore me.

Now this is the reality of that decision.

[SunnySG]

Reading your post is like looking in a mirror (so to speak).

I am currently torn between staying and leaving; I really am sure I am not in love with my husband. I have gently tried to tell him this before, and like you, was discouraged when his eyes got all weepy and puppydogish on me. But what was I expecting, really? I know he loves me with all his heart. I just don't feel the same for him. I just want to figure out what to do and get it done. And like you, I will probably end up having to file papers or move out for him to take me seriously.

 

I feel like a fraud every time we're together, and I feel terrible he is the sensitive one, whereas I am not....

I have lost my patience, and feel like I am holding the hand of a child.

 

Sure, who really wants to be alone? Not me. But do I really want to stay in this relationship?

 

It's weird because like you, this isn't how I thought my marriage would be. Not at all. Our families are opposites - I still, after 3.5 years of marriage (6 years together, total) am not comfortable being myself when I am with them. We argue about the dumbest things. He fights me on every little thing - even if I ask a mundane question about his day it's a big "Sigh-Fest". Many times I day I stop and ask myself "what the hell am I doing?"

 

We rarely have sex. I have really no sexual attraction to my husband anymore. I can't remember when I lusted after my husband, and we NEVER kiss on the lips. It's so bizarre. Not that he doesn't want to kiss me on the lips. I don't want him to. I have been turning my cheek for a long, long time.

 

And yet he doesn't see ....

[Cheeto]

Sounds like my situation to...for a good 10 years now...been married for 20. I just can't stand to be around her anymore. And I know she still loves me more than anything. I just know that when I do leave she is going to blow up like a roadside bomb and there will be collateral damage galore. What I can't stand about her is in fact her anger at what seems like everything. She carries grudges for life...admitedly! I actually took the 1st step and rented a storage in preperation. Even started a seperate bank account! We have so much crap from 20 years of crap that I am able to slip small belongings and documents into boxes without her knowing and transfer them to safety. I just have a feeling the devil is gonna be after me for some time.

 

If my ulcers and tension headaches go away it will all be worth it.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

All your situations are similar and not much different from what mine was. After he cried so much the first time, we reconciled after a few months. But we never got back on track and once I was financially able to leave, I bought a house and moved out 4 months ago. I am very happy, the kids are doing great, he seems happy too.

 

He went for counselling before we separated and I think she told him how NOT to react. There weren't any tears or clinginess the second time around. We both wish things could be different but we know that if we tried again we would end up at the same result.

 

We seem to be good friends still but I just hope he doesn't take my friendliness as a sign of reconciliation. He may be thinking differently now cuz he came to my house on Monday and saw my dozen roses a friend gave me.

 

Good luck all of you.