Bluebell26 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Any advice? I'm trying to move on after the A, but I feel guilty. I compare everyone to XMM. Only had one second date so far... Is it fair to get some one else involved... Should I stay alone for a period of time or try dating? Thoughts... From experience? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 I refused to spend another second wasting my life when I ended my affair. Once I actually focused on the positive aspects of dating a single man, it was the best thing for me. Going out in public, meeting his friends and family, access at anytime, etc. was refreshing. It actually look me a while to stop looking around in public as if we'd be seen by someone when with the single guy it didn't matter. We weren't doing anything wrong. It showed me how dysfunctional my thinking had become. At first, I missed the high feeling of my affair that is really the affair fog. Then I realized that also meant I didn't get the lows. I got consistency and choices. That is really what a healthy relationship is based on. Best thing I ever did. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Bluebell Only you can decide to date or not. But if you cannot stop the comparisons you are not being fair to your dates. You are comparing a first time encounter to a relationship thast you were emotionally and sexually very involved in. The new guy has no chance. What is really inportant as toime goes by and you do meet someone you like, you must be done with you AP. You are not a safe partner for anyone if you start a new relationship with anyone and are already cheating by being back in contact with AP. No one can give you a magic bullet that will go off like a clock letting you enjoy dating, but if you do not do it with a clear and open mind you will continue to find yourself stuck and pass up a lot of good guys pining for a dead end relationship where you were used for sex. Your MM is still married and not with you so stop making him in your mind into some Prince. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Any advice? I'm trying to move on after the A, but I feel guilty. I compare everyone to XMM. Only had one second date so far... Is it fair to get some one else involved... Should I stay alone for a period of time or try dating? Thoughts... From experience? Not sure how long ago your affair ended but from what you've said so far, my suggestion is, stay single. Grieve the loss, cry it out, spend time with good friends and family. Find "you" again and let yourself heal. How can you even think of investing or be attracted to someone else since exMM is still very much inside your head and heart? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Not sure how long ago your affair ended but from what you've said so far, my suggestion is, stay single. Grieve the loss, cry it out, spend time with good friends and family. Find "you" again and let yourself heal. How can you even think of investing or be attracted to someone else since exMM is still very much inside your head and heart? I second this. You havent healed, reflected, learned whatever lessons might be learned (about you, him/her and R's in general) from this A. Cry, grieve, mourn, learn, recover, be stronger and move forward in life. Sounds like its too soon IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 I really dislike the term 'dating' because it has become so synonymous with 'looking for a relationship ' when it doesn't have to be. I prefer to refer to seeing/meeting other people; which is what I've starting doing whilst still in my A. And you know what? Meeting new people is a lot of fun. And much moreso if you're not preoccupied with tick boxing comparisons like you're interviewing a replacement. I'm using OLD for the first time and my profile up front says just want to meet new and interesting people, not interested in hookups or romantic relationships at all. And I've been pleasantly surprised to find lots of people interested in the same thing I say relax and be open and upfront about where you're at and what you are and are not up for. Just enjoy the new company. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
fllygirl Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 If you decided to move on then don't waste any more time. Go out and meet new people. Look how quickly most of men move on, they don't sit and eat their tears. It's up to you, you can wait or start now. Finding the right person could be very long process, sometimes it takes years. You wasted enough time on MM. Go and try to enjoy your life and see where it will take you. You can always stop dating if you feel it's not good time. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 If you decided to move on then don't waste any more time. Go out and meet new people. Look how quickly most of men move on, they don't sit and eat their tears. It's up to you, you can wait or start now. Finding the right person could be very long process, sometimes it takes years. You wasted enough time on MM. Go and try to enjoy your life and see where it will take you. You can always stop dating if you feel it's not good time. This is horrible advice. If you are not ready to treat someone like they should be treated in a relationship, or are not ready to respect yourself like you should in a relationship, then don't get back out there. Your damage should NEVER affect other people. Take the proper time to heal from any relationship. And, to this poster I quoted, men don't move on more quickly. They try their best to fill a void more quickly, but typically have a harder time with break-ups overall, because they don't let go of feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 This is horrible advice. If you are not ready to treat someone like they should be treated in a relationship, or are not ready to respect yourself like you should in a relationship, then don't get back out there. Your damage should NEVER affect other people. Take the proper time to heal from any relationship. And, to this poster I quoted, men don't move on more quickly. They try their best to fill a void more quickly, but typically have a harder time with break-ups overall, because they don't let go of feelings. With all due respect, no one can make that assessment but the OP. Managing expectations is key. If she gets out and meets people, it's healthy. She may meet men who would make great friends or more. Healing can happen in or out of a relationship. We all bring a certain amount of baggage to new relationships, especially if we've been married. It's how we learn. Comparing is natural. We all do that. The healthy difference is comparing to her benefit. What a new man can give her that her AP could not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 With all due respect, no one can make that assessment but the OP. Managing expectations is key. If she gets out and meets people, it's healthy. She may meet men who would make great friends or more. Healing can happen in or out of a relationship. We all bring a certain amount of baggage to new relationships, especially if we've been married. It's how we learn. Comparing is natural. We all do that. The healthy difference is comparing to her benefit. What a new man can give her that her AP could not. With all due respect, I'm not making any assessment of the OP with that post. I am stating an if/then, based on what the OP stated. She stated that she was feeling guilty about it, and wanted advice based on personal experience. I gave. The advice given to the OP, in my opinion, was horrible. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 You know what they say: The best way to get over a man is to get under another one. I'm kidding! Kinda. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Learn to enjoy the ordinary. Ordinary is good. The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real. A big part of an affair is make believe, fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else. Welcome back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be. Decompress. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 If you decided to move on then don't waste any more time. Go out and meet new people. Look how quickly most of men move on, they don't sit and eat their tears. It's up to you, you can wait or start now. Finding the right person could be very long process, sometimes it takes years. You wasted enough time on MM. Go and try to enjoy your life and see where it will take you. You can always stop dating if you feel it's not good time. I agree with this advice. Move on and don't look back, I'm sure your ex MM isn't looking back. Enjoy the new liberated feeling of being able to date /see/meet single available guys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 I don't think every guy you date has to be "the one" or even close. I feel like casual dating is probably a good thing. As long as you are honest (details not needed) about where you are in terms of relationship interest, it would be fun to go out and have some fun! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 I went back and read your other thread. Your A more or less just ended very recently so it seems. Again, I mirror what I said earlier, take time to grieve the loss and heal. You work with him so seeing him daily must be a struggle. Making yourself date to try to get over him may or may not work, seems to work for some but the negative feelings you're experiencing (guilt, and also comparing a guy to your exMM) while dating isn't good. How is that fun? Dating and getting to know someone is supposed to be exciting and positive! Pamper yourself, have fun with your women friends who make you laugh and feel good. Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Any advice? I'm trying to move on after the A, but I feel guilty. I compare everyone to XMM. Only had one second date so far... Is it fair to get some one else involved... Should I stay alone for a period of time or try dating? Thoughts... From experience? Just want you to know you're not alone. Much earlier I had a couple dates and felt like I wanted the exMM to come in and tell the guy to get out of 'his' seat. Went NC and want to try again but feel guilty. I don't know how much time has passed for you. I also was/an getting over a divorce at the same time so a little more complicated but the best thing for me has been time alone and with my kids (or family), journaling/therapy, time with women friends to get out of my head, working out, and now finally maybe some fun male company, for the company thats all. Slow and easy. Like the other poster said dating should be about meeting people not interviewing for immediate commitment. Be honest if a guy starts indicating he wants more than you though. I'll never do to a guy what exMM has done to me. Haven't put myself out there much yet for your same reasons but feeling more and more ready. I think we'll get there. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Distraction is good. You can still be sad and embrace / acknowledge the feeling of loss, WHILE you go out with other people. What's wrong with that? As far as "not being fair" to a new guy, I call bs on that. It's not like everybody who goes out with you will be honest and fair, either. Some of them will have baggage that they're trying to hide themselves. You have to look after yourself first and foremost. Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Distraction is good. You can still be sad and embrace / acknowledge the feeling of loss, WHILE you go out with other people. What's wrong with that? As far as "not being fair" to a new guy, I call bs on that. It's not like everybody who goes out with you will be honest and fair, either. Some of them will have baggage that they're trying to hide themselves. You have to look after yourself first and foremost. I really disagree with this sentiment of doing potential harm to others just because other people do it. It's not healthy. Look out for you first and foremost in your healing. That's fine. Pamper yourself. Make yourself whole again, if that is what need be. But, when it is time to start dating, you need to be ready for it, and treating others the way you wish to be treated is essential. Otherwise we have a bunch of broken people wandering around because some people think it's okay to be selfish and only think about themselves in relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 @minime13: getting into a committed R is completely different from going out with guys. Going out for some distraction is perfectly ok IMO ...... If a date partner wants to get serious, you can always tell them what you want and what you are (not) ready for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 @minime13: getting into a committed R is completely different from going out with guys. Going out for some distraction is perfectly ok IMO ...... If a date partner wants to get serious, you can always tell them what you want and what you are (not) ready for. After my D, one of the things I had to learn how to do was "date." And by "date," I mean go out with new people, get to know them slowly, establish healthy boundaries, and listen to my gut about whether I want to continue down the path. Part of that is learning how to say, with kindness and honesty, that there is no deep connection there and you're better off as friends. This has been a huge lesson for me...and I'm still learning it. there is no reason to feel guilty for having boundaries. I think it's perfectly appropriate--even desirable--to casually date during this time. All you owe your dates is honesty and integrity. If someone you're dating wants more than you do, you simply tell him that's not where you are right now. whether that "something more" means sex, intimacy, monogamy, meeting your kids, whatever. Establish the boundary and maintain the boundary. If you've been honest, then you're not harming anyone. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 @minime13: getting into a committed R is completely different from going out with guys. Going out for some distraction is perfectly ok IMO ...... If a date partner wants to get serious, you can always tell them what you want and what you are (not) ready for. Sure, but regardless of how serious or casual it is, a person still needs to be able to treat others nicely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluebell26 Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 Not sure how long ago your affair ended but from what you've said so far, my suggestion is, stay single. Grieve the loss, cry it out, spend time with good friends and family. Find "you" again and let yourself heal. How can you even think of investing or be attracted to someone else since exMM is still very much inside your head and heart? Wise words, I appreciate. And I don't want to get a third person involved in my mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bluebell26 Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 I second this. You havent healed, reflected, learned whatever lessons might be learned (about you, him/her and R's in general) from this A. Cry, grieve, mourn, learn, recover, be stronger and move forward in life. Sounds like its too soon IMO. Agreed. I need 'me' time. Link to post Share on other sites
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