Col1 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 (edited) The person I am seeing has her heart set on two children (doesn't matter if they both end up being the same sex). Partly because it is the "American Dream" to have the two kids + house, etc. Silently in my heart, I only want one child. I'm looking at the effort, time, and money that two kids require versus one child. She sees it in terms of a second child is more family love and memories. I haven't shared how I feel about only wanting one child. I hope she decides one is enough after the first delivery. But I guess if she were really wanting the second then I could go along with it. No point in me negotiating how many kids now... either of us may be infertile! I suppose we could adopt, but that would take a serious discussion. Is wanting only one child (and being sort of open to two) a flag for myself in the potential for an LTR? Perhaps it is not fair of me to purposely only want one child to have him or her grow up alone? Edited May 20, 2015 by Col1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 OP - I mean this as lovingly as I can but as a parent myself... You guys don't know your a$$ from a hole in the ground right now. In all seriousness, you just don't know. I mean you really DON'T know. Right now this is all hypothetical. Costs... effort... expenses... should we get one puppy or two? Worrying about this right now is pointless because the one thing I can guarantee you is that whatever you think you want, whatever you think the justifications are for or against, right now, is NOT how you will feel once that baby comes bursting into the world. Dude, becoming a parent changes everything. Everything you think matters, everything you think you know/feel right now will change when you become a dad. You might end up wanting an entire platoon and she might be all one-and-done and if you want more go find someone else's uterus big boy. What really matters is that you have similar desires around timing and parenting style. Then go let what happens happen. Do me a favor will ya? Remember this conversation and think back to it when your first born turns 2 or 3. And giggle. The reason I am kinda going full bore on you is that I was once like you and I remember having a very similar conversation with my mom. She just giggled, winked and said, "let's revisit this in five years". Best of luck man! 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 The ability to compromise is essential for successful relationships. Have one and a half kids and you'll both be happy. But seriously: have one, and everything is changed. After the first one, the world will look different to you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Tiger Lily Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 I kinda feel that if you have to ask 'the internet' this question, are you really ready for even 1? No one's ever fully ready, but what you're asking is so immense and personal, Loveshack could never really answer it for you. This isn't about breaking up with a GF, it's a baby...serious stuff! Link to post Share on other sites
aussietigerwolf Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 I didn't even want one... I ended up with one and while I ABSOLUTELY don't want any more... I wouldn't swap this one for anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minime13 Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 The person I am seeing has her heart set on two children (doesn't matter if they both end up being the same sex). Partly because it is the "American Dream" to have the two kids + house, etc. Silently in my heart, I only want one child. I'm looking at the effort, time, and money that two kids require versus one child. She sees it in terms of a second child is more family love and memories. I haven't shared how I feel about only wanting one child. I hope she decides one is enough after the first delivery. But I guess if she were really wanting the second then I could go along with it. No point in me negotiating how many kids now... either of us may be infertile! I suppose we could adopt, but that would take a serious discussion. Is wanting only one child (and being sort of open to two) a flag for myself in the potential for an LTR? Perhaps it is not fair of me to purposely only want one child to have him or her grow up alone? I don't know that anyone should set their heart on how many children they want until they have at least one. So many things change after that. The fact that you both want a family is a start, but you both should talk about what you want and what is acceptable. Be prepared for that to change once you have one, though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 To me the biggest red flag of the whole post is this I haven't shared how I feel about only wanting one child If you two cannot openly communicate about something as fundamental as how many children you want you two have more issues than 1 vs 2 kids. To have a healthy long term relationship you must be able to communicate about everything, feel safe expressing yourself, and know that you will both work towards a solution that makes both partners feel respected and valued. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 I don't think it's the end of the world to have a lone child. But from a mother's viewpoint, having another child relatively close in age (1-4 years) is good because they can entertain each other, because kids take a lot of time. Of course, a nice dog might solve the same issue. I grew up with only one sister much older, and she was worthless and abusive in my childhood years. We became friends much later in life. So I was basically an only child in many ways. It made me autonomous and I can entertain myself and find myself amusing. Yes, I said it. So it's not all bad. Having another sibling and with adequate parental supervision, would hopefully teach a child to be more social, to share and compromise, which I pretty much did not learn. Not good at compromise. Adopting would be a wonderfully humanitarian thing to do, especially if it wasn't a baby but a child who really needs a home. But of course, it can be disruptive. But then you could have a little hellion or special needs child who could also disrupt the household. When you agree to parent, you have to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best -- and what you get is usually somewhere in between. Of course, two kids, double the expenses. Double the amount of time a woman really just needs to be home with the kids. So that means double the help she'll need from her man. It's a delimma only you and your woman can resolve. Because what is the compromise between one child and two? Have one child and a couple of dogs (dogs definitely do better in pairs). Have one child and be a foster parent. Have one child and coach soccer or be a Girl Scout leader. Have one child and be a Big Brother or Big Sister. Better get a house with an extra bedroom either way. You can always make it a junk room and pull the door shut so the rest of the house never looks cluttered! Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 When the time is right and when you two are discussing life situations such as marriage, buying a house, etc., bring up the fact that you really only want one child, that you've thought this through and that you have felt this way for a long time. Tell her WHY you only want one child (expenses, attention, etc.) and then gauge her reaction. If she balks at your preference of wanting only one child and she tells you that HER preference is to have two children and that she'll deal with the expenses and such, then this is where you two will be at an impasse and you'll have two choices: 1) Either both of you will compromise on how many children you two will have OR 2) You won't reach a compromise, and one of you will have to give in to the other's preference; which could cause resentment down the road If neither choice is an option for either one of you, then you might have to think about ending the relationship if this issue is important enough to her (or to you). Having children is a SERIOUS and LIFELONG decision that should be made with great care and consideration. Good luck, OP. I hope you both can reach a compromise on this. . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 But from a mother's viewpoint, having another child relatively close in age (1-4 years) is good because they can entertain each other Or just as likely, abuse each other. I grew up with only one sister much older, and she was worthless and abusive in my childhood years. I find it confusing that so many people had a bad relationship with their sibling growing up, and still imagine that it's going to be a good thing to give their only child a sibling! Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Or just as likely, abuse each other. I find it confusing that so many people had a bad relationship with their sibling growing up, and still imagine that it's going to be a good thing to give their only child a sibling! That doesn't happen all the time! My two kids get along great together, they're very loving towards each other and they play with each other every day while I'm cooking dinner, cleaning the house or doing other things. Yes, they have their moments when they disagree on things and they have their little spats, but for the most part, they love each other and I'm sure they're grateful to have each other to talk to, to do things with and to be with! A person deciding on whether to give their only child a sibling or not is a VERY personal choice and it shouldn't be frowned upon just because there are people in the world who didn't get along with their brother(s) and/or sister(s). I *love* my older sister with all of my heart and I'm SO glad she's my sister!!! I can't imagine not having her in my life!!! . Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 The first kid is utterly life-changing. The second is quite a bit easier. The third you greet with a pretty relaxed attitude. Have a few more after that and you begin to lose count. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 A person deciding on whether to give their only child a sibling or not is a VERY personal choice and it shouldn't be frowned upon just because there are people in the world who didn't get along with their brother(s) and/or sister(s). I *love* my older sister with all of my heart and I'm SO glad she's my sister!!! I can't imagine not having her in my life!!! I think you read my post way too personally. I'm not talking about your kids or your sister, and I didn't say it happens all the time. It was surprising to me that in the same breath as saying they had an abusive relationship with their sibling while growing up, the other poster was promoting giving the only child a sibling. Even people who didn't have a good time with their sibling repeat the mantra that only children ought to have siblings. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 In all seriousness, you just don't know. I mean you really DON'T know. Right now this is all hypothetical. Costs... effort... expenses... should we get one puppy or two? Worrying about this right now is pointless because the one thing I can guarantee you is that whatever you think you want, whatever you think the justifications are for or against, right now, is NOT how you will feel once that baby comes bursting into the world. I dunno... this is one of the reasons that contributed to my marriage break-up. He was done with 2 kids but I wanted 3. Of course there are other reasons why we separated but I've always resented his words and actions about having the 3rd baby and he probably felt the same for me pushing and fighting to have this baby. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 1 vs 2, isn't really like 1 vs 5, you both want a relatively small family! Your kinda on the same page. I mean im all for big families but objectively you have to raise it like you would any other issue - where to live, what car to buy, what to have for dinner - no one agrees on anything all the time right? You either can compromise or you cant. That said, kids change your life and your outlook! I always wanted like 5 kids, I still do, but was I honestly ready for our twins to come along, or our DD after... probably not, but I wouldn't have it any other away! The boys turned my life upside down more than I ever thought they would, literally up-side-down! I don't think anyone can be ready for that! But I love them more than I ever thought I could too! My old life was great, but this is better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hawaii51 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 2 kids take care of each other, and you're not taking into account hand-me-downs Worst case, you have a favorite and a parts-kid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladyabstrused Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I'm not a parent or a parent-to-be to really know what to say here from that perspective but I think the most important thing is to talk things out with your person. The fact that you haven't shared with her about it might harbour some resentments in the later parts of the relationship when things don't go your way or you feel like you're always giving in etc etc. Fact of the matter is, she needs to know how you feel about this and why, and you need to also understand how she feels about it and why - and like what the others have said above, come to a compromise. Personally though, no point planning exactly how many to have before you even have one. Give the first child a shot and see where life takes you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 Having a second child means one more little person to love you Link to post Share on other sites
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