To bust or not to bust

[TobyBoy]

Before you confront, do this.

1. Install a keylogger on her computer. This will capture screen shots, passwords, websites visited. I recommend Relytec. It's free for a week and very stealthy.

2. Confront when at home. Do not let her leave. Take her phone away. If she doesn't come clean, then you leave. This will force her to try to delete any evidence from the computer. The keylogger will capture everything you need.

3. Make sure you have possession of all possible internet devices(tablets,extra phones etc.)

[eric1]

Yes, what the PI likely saw was the "initial meetup", which is the common method on Adult Friend Finder, Ashley Madison, etc.

 

It's usually in a place like a coffee shop, rarely in a nicer restaurant. It's basically the "we've seen nude pictures of each other, probably have chatted but now just need to make sure that you're not a serial killer" step.

 

Can you get ahold of her phone and/or itunes/google play account to see what applications that she has installed on her phone.

 

She probably has a rush from getting caught. If she does not have a regular boyfriend (it looks like she may be playing the field) then expect her activity ti die down for a few days.

 

For her to arrange a meetup with a guy like this means that she has a way other than text and phone calls to communicate with him.

 

Your PI can help with install a keylogger or something more advanced (spector) onto her/your computer. Another initial and more simple step is buying service from opendns (like 30 bucks a year, nothing big) and then setting this dns server as the dns server on all of your machines (most importantly - remember to set it on your router that is giving out dhcp). This will tell you all websites being hit from inside of your house.

[eric1]

Before you confront, do this.

1. Install a keylogger on her computer. This will capture screen shots, passwords, websites visited. I recommend Relytec. It's free for a week and very stealthy.

2. Confront when at home. Do not let her leave. Take her phone away. If she doesn't come clean, then you leave. This will force her to try to delete any evidence from the computer. The keylogger will capture everything you need.

3. Make sure you have possession of all possible internet devices(tablets,extra phones etc.)

 

If she has a plain old PC then I recommend one of these to be used as a keylogger

 

http://r20.rs6.net/tn.jsp?f=001_90YCFL6QRPGBJGt1zTz5FLSvwttEeNsK5Z6Mxl3H8Z74lcfCXJI_j0dYdKNuFe7Aelhw-eS2iRVleXRxDUWo-kRHPYWbEFR11XfbV4IHXjT9ZwJykG1MSXdK52e8igSe6cLAAJS7c0veg0EsaTlzdKAECuMdTICFCHbO_ljtwwkS0waB-B3IZkWv3VPT6uzQrHohKU4GwmkUXpfPpGbccDvjIvBHnWMV79UWHCEspWKRASU3TZGfw==&c=N73WOV9psD_cjAoM7f9LwGNDf4lnCRYQo9aOLNLAM9ey-MpORjBSew==&ch=ipSCTwn7ggpJATg_y8GekTNkh1C4BVeeuQZLEX9ULNM6Lni8Wbf08g==

 

You have almost a zero percent chance of getting caught.

[eric1]

That link may not work - google "KeyGrabber USB KeyLogger 8MB Black"

[elaine567]

There is a PI on the case, so any amateur sleuthing by messing with keyloggers on phones/tablets/PCs by zinger, may just alert her to the fact he is suspicious.

Better to leave it to the expert IMO.

[zinger]

What was their demeanor like at the cafe?

Is OM married?

 

Unknown, though no physical contact spotted.

Best on the information available at present it doesn't look like he's married, seems to leave alone at crappy apartment in a 'bohemian " part of a town.

I have my phone, work tablet - is there a reason I need extra phones and tablets?

 

Thank you ToyBoy and everyone, even if I'm not responding to each of you individually, your input is noted and takes its place in the equation.

[Buckeye2]

The surveillance guy suggested to me to wait for more proof for a few more days. This is based on his 20 years of experience - according to him infidelity is like addiction so he's confident he'll get me the proof.

 

I agree.

 

When I came home she was shocked and worried. She asked me why I'm back early but she didn't look too thrilled about it. I couldn't resist and told her "because I have a grave feeling and concerns about my family live".

 

Correct me if I'm wrong but I'd assume that the reaction of any loving spouse would be to get to the bottom of this immediately. Instead she seemed relieved that I didn't press the matter.

 

I agree with your assessment but now she may be more careful and it will take the surveillance guy longer. Give him time. Do your best to act normal.

 

The guy is very good, he has traced him based on the number and got all this info on no time. He also told me - based on his experience - how easy would be for her to deny everything at the moment.

 

I agree. You may already have enough evidence for yourself in your current state of mind. But you need more for when she’s crying, begging and saying how much she loves you.

 

You also need more evidence for your friends and family so you won’t be the bad guy. Basically if you get a divorce you need to be a victim more than she is. If you divorce her over something trivial she’s the victim.

[Morro72]

I'll be notified immediately about any malicious activity so - small consolation - I'm not enabling. I also think however I've been enabling for all these years, have I?

If I were you I'd just leave it at "I'm not enabling" and resist the temptation to speculate about the past until you get more facts.

[Realist3]

Still nothing.

[Lunay]

When you came home early and said the comment about your family life, wasn't she concerned? Didn't she ask what was going on?

If my husband came home early from a trip and said those things, I would want to know what the issue was and what was happening.

 

Sounds like a huge red flag to me, like she already knows.

[aliveagain]

I agree that she has another way of contacting her suitors. I wonder if she visited any sites that tell you how to hide your infidelity? Fact is, she made a date with someone she met online. She knew you would be out of town but never expected you to come home early. She knows your on to her but an addict needs their fix, I don't think you'll have to wait long. Have you tried making up phoney accounts on the two biggest cheater sites, AM and AFF, see if she's on them? Check credit cards statement for any strange purchase in the amount of AM, AFF sign up fee, they don't bill under their company name. If you do make sure you document that you have and that your PI and lawyer are aware of it.

[eric1]

I agree that she has another way of contacting her suitors. I wonder if she visited any sites that tell you how to hide your infidelity? Fact is, she made a date with someone she met online. She knew you would be out of town but never expected you to come home early. She knows your on to her but an addict needs their fix, I don't think you'll have to wait long. Have you tried making up phoney accounts on the two biggest cheater sites, AM and AFF, see if she's on them? Check credit cards statement for any strange purchase in the amount of AM, AFF sign up fee, they don't bill under their company name. If you do make sure you document that you have and that your PI and lawyer are aware of it.

 

Also don't forget that females can sign up for free on most of those sites.

 

All signs point to her having a throwaway email account somewhere. The PI will be knowledgeable on how to track those down (some combination of keylogger/monitoring software/DNS monitoring/etc)

[eric1]

What's going to be funny (with all due respect of course) on Zinger's next trip. Her texts will be like

 

"How's your day? Just checking to see how it is there"

"Oh you like it, like it so much you'll probably stay there the entire time this time right?"

"Hey just checking in, it sounds like an exciting time. Wish I could have been there with you to stay the entire time there"

"I miss you, what's you flight number so I can know when to have dinner ready for you!"

[merrmeade]

You have almost a zero percent chance of getting caught.

And that's only important because you don't want your hand to be forced early ... and NOT because there's anything whatsoever inherently wrong in getting proof someone is breaking a contract.

 

Keep going, zinger, you're doing well though I know how horrible you feel. ((((((BigHug)))))) Did you consider following up on suggestions to put a VAR under the dashboard of her car? That's how a lot of people obtained the bulk of evidence that their spouse was cheating.

[BetrayedH]

Still nothing.

 

I tend to agree.

 

Zinger, even beyond being able to have sufficient evidence to withstand her predictable denials, you also have to be informed enough to make a solid decision about what you're going to DO about it. You seem poised for a confrontation as soon as possible. Bear in mind that you need to digest the information and in the early days, you're going to be a wreck. Don't be in a rush to confront. It's tough as hell. I managed to sit on the info for 3 days while I made plans. That's all I made it. I wish I had waited longer. Once you confront, everything is deleted and the lies really begin. It took me 8 months after Dday to find out what I now "think" is the truth.

[BetrayedH]

When you came home early and said the comment about your family life, wasn't she concerned? Didn't she ask what was going on?

If my husband came home early from a trip and said those things, I would want to know what the issue was and what was happening.

 

Sounds like a huge red flag to me, like she already knows.

 

One thing is for sure...if she's up to anything, she knows to keep it on the down-low now. Not wise. Accomplished nada.

[drifter777]

One thing is for sure...if she's up to anything, she knows to keep it on the down-low now. Not wise. Accomplished nada.

 

OP shouldn't have said a thing. She will likely take things deep underground and make it really tough to bust her - at least for the next few weeks.

 

Zinger: wish you could have held it together for a few more days.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

When I came home she was shocked and worried. She asked me why I'm back early but she didn't look too thrilled about it. I couldn't resist and told her "because I have a grave feeling and concerns about my family live".

I think you tipped your hand too early. It was tempting, indeed, to say something. But this served no purpose outside of a little satisfaction.

 

Let the professionals do the sleuthing. Act normal and otherwise dig into work - you need a distraction.

 

Also, once you get all the facts, you need to decide what to do. Then act and confront.

 

I'm pleased that he's a bohemian artist. Women like these kind of characters for a while, but seldom settle for them unless they have a similar lifestyle. She probably doesn't want to keep him, and he probably doesn't want to/can't afford to keep her. This is leverage for you.

 

As for me, if she's guilty I'd just move on. But once she's busted, and it all suddenly becomes 'real' to her, she will panic and likely say whatever it takes to salvage things with you.

 

If it was me, that ship would have already sailed. Good luck.

[Binster]

If your going to wait a few days

and bearing in mind it's probably not going to be good news or pretty how about using those days to get things in line like meeting a couple of lawyers, finding out how to cancel credit cards and bank accounts etc.

 

Then if/when it all comes on top your all fired up and ready to go.

[zinger]

When you came home early and said the comment about your family life, wasn't she concerned? Didn't she ask what was going on?

If my husband came home early from a trip and said those things, I would want to know what the issue was and what was happening.

 

Sounds like a huge red flag to me, like she already knows.

 

Exactly - and I really appreciate a comment on that from a woman (I hope you don't take the word "woman" out of context. Female? Lady? No offence intended). At least I'm thinking rationally here. To me this is probably a much of an issue as if I found a secret phone hidden in her belongings (which I didn't BTW despite my attempts to find it as suggested).

 

Thanks a lot.

[zinger]

And that's only important because you don't want your hand to be forced early ... and NOT because there's anything whatsoever inherently wrong in getting proof someone is breaking a contract.

 

Keep going, zinger, you're doing well though I know how horrible you feel. ((((((BigHug)))))) Did you consider following up on suggestions to put a VAR under the dashboard of her car? That's how a lot of people obtained the bulk of evidence that their spouse was cheating.

 

Thank you very much merrmeade, I really owe you for the phone call stats advice, that literally (in conjunction with feedback from others of course) got me over the line of subconscious denial.

 

Answering your question (and other questions or suggestions on various forms on surveillance) :

 

At the moment I'd prefer not to be too specific on how and what I have set it up. I hope you understand the rationale. Sufficient to say that I used many methods some of them are redundant and overlapping ; I have no shortage of funds to do that ; I'm confident that these day one can't do anything without leaving a trail so I will get my proof.

 

I'll share all the details gladly of anyone is interested when this is over one easy or another.

 

Thanks once again.

[zinger]

 

I'm pleased that he's a bohemian artist. Women like these kind of characters for a while, but seldom settle for them unless they have a similar lifestyle. She probably doesn't want to keep him, and he probably doesn't want to/can't afford to keep her. This is leverage for you.

.

 

That is where I have to disagree. I need no leverage. The scope of my marriage does not include any competition for my wife's fidelity. If this is what she wants she can have him and the wlwhole Royal Academy of Arts of Bohemia. She just needs to let me know.

[Morro72]

The scope of my marriage does not include any competition for my wife's fidelity.

 

If there is a motto which should be adopted by all BS's this is definitely it.

 

Good for you.

[SycamoreCircle]

I'm so sorry for your ordeal. I hope that a year from now you're in a much better place.

 

I just want to say that when you're finally given the opportunity, resist the urge to say all that you want to say, to return all the hurt you are dealt...it will hurt her all the more. Give her no inlet to your pain. Save that for friends and family that care about you. Besides, it would only showcase her depth of coldness, her lack of empathy. And I can promise, that is a vision which is hard to untangle from your psyche.

[merrmeade]

I agree that she has another way of contacting her suitors. I wonder if she visited any sites that tell you how to hide your infidelity? Fact is, she made a date with someone she met online. She knew you would be out of town but never expected you to come home early. She knows your on to her but an addict needs their fix, I don't think you'll have to wait long. Have you tried making up phoney accounts on the two biggest cheater sites, AM and AFF, see if she's on them? Check credit cards statement for any strange purchase in the amount of AM, AFF sign up fee, they don't bill under their company name. If you do make sure you document that you have and that your PI and lawyer are aware of it.

And bank statements. Between credit card and bank statements you can track a person's whereabouts depending on how much they use plastic. Where was she when she bought gas? When was she at x, y, z restaurant? What other purchases do you see?

 

Have you checked her email? Browser history? Trash? Downloads? So much info you can get from all these (e.g., accounts on dating sites). Photos up- or downloaded.

• Email: If you can get into her email, do a search. Perhaps there are email verifications for accounts she created with the online dating sites. Try putting "confirmation" or "verification" in the email search box. Or search by dates and look for communication within a particular week. Also check the email trash.
  
• Browser history: Widen the column and examine parts of the URLs listed to see how long she spent on a given site or email. Right-click on the URL to see what the website or email was.
  
• Trash on computer: She might not have emptied it. See what's in there.
  
• Downloads: Click on the top of the column for "Kind" and check out the jpgs, tiffs, etc.

Edited May 26, 2015 by merrmeade