To bust or not to bust

[RightThere]

Lol. Nobody could get me to do what they wisely advised to me to do either, Merrmeade. Hell, I made every mistake in the damn book. In the end, most of us seem to end up doing ok, including you.

 

I have made and continue to make every bad choice imaginable. As long as we keep learning and making small steps forward, we'll all be good.

[merrmeade]

To be totally fair, you must look at yourself and understand some of the things that you did to cause you marriage to fall apart. It's never one sided.

Not yet. OP is too raw and fragile. He doesn't need to "be totally fair" at the moment. One thing at a time.

 

And zinger: My WH never once has challenged me about the snooping I do. I can tell he would like his privacy back, but he never pushes it if I ask. Why? Certainly not because he's just so reasonable or has some innate sense of justice. Because he knows his 'crime' far outweighs mine.

[RightThere]

Not yet. OP is too raw and fragile. He doesn't need to "be totally fair" at the moment. One thing at a time.

 

Fair enough. I think it's always good to do self reflection but considering we haven't seen D-Day yet, there is a lot more to deal with at the present time.

 

And zinger: My WH never once has challenged me about the snooping I do. I can tell he would like his privacy back, but he never pushes it if I ask. Why? Certainly not because he's just so reasonable or has some innate sense of justice. Because he knows his 'crime' far outweighs mine.

 

No disrespect, but eventually you're going to need to give that up. If you're going to police them for the rest of your marriage, then you'll never be equal in the relationship again. If they want to step out on the marriage again, no amount of surveillance is going to stop that. And being a second class citizen in their own marriage will do more harm than good.

 

To be fair, I did take the approach eventually of "I'm not going to waste my time monitoring you anymore" and of course it did burn me. But at least I now know that our marriage was unsalvageable and I wouldn't have to be my STBXW's parent and make sure she did what she said.

[BetrayedH]

Not yet. OP is too raw and fragile. He doesn't need to "be totally fair" at the moment. One thing at a time.

 

And zinger: My WH never once has challenged me about the snooping I do. I can tell he would like his privacy back, but he never pushes it if I ask. Why? Certainly not because he's just so reasonable or has some innate sense of justice. Because he knows his 'crime' far outweighs mine.

 

Yeah, and as awful as my wife was, she also never voiced one complaint about my snooping or my requirements around transparency. She agreed that I could investigate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, without notifying her of anything. It went a long way towards rebuilding trust. Ironically, it was also her downfall.

[merrmeade]

Originally Posted by BetrayedH -

Lol. Nobody could get me to do what they wisely advised to me to do either, Merrmeade. Hell, I made every mistake in the damn book. In the end, most of us seem to end up doing ok, including you.

I have made and continue to make every bad choice imaginable. As long as we keep learning and making small steps forward, we'll all be good.

Not necessarily all doing so well. This mfking curse is not that quickly or easily dispelled. Not by a long shot. 2-5 years they say? I wish. Depends on the number and extent of the infidelities, remorse and acknowledgement of the betrayer, and how trusting and innocent BS was before discovery and for how long. Haven't come up with an equation yet to make this conversion, but maybe somebody will. No, this isn't chicken pox: Scratch a while, scabs fall off and you're left with a few scars. No, this is lifelong shingles.

[eric1]

Good luck zinger, my thoughts are with you and I sincerely hope that this brings you closer to your soul finding some measure of peace

[RightThere]

Not necessarily all doing so well. This mfking curse is not that quickly or easily dispelled. Not by a long shot. 2-5 years they say? I wish. Depends on the number and extent of the infidelities, remorse and acknowledgement of the betrayer, and how trusting and innocent BS was before discovery and for how long. Haven't come up with an equation yet to make this conversion, but maybe somebody will. No, this isn't chicken pox: Scratch a while, scabs fall off and you're left with a few scars. No, this is lifelong shingles.

 

It all depends on how long you allow it to control your life.

 

My STBXW was cheating on my for most of out time together (6 out of 10 years that I know of) with multiple affair partners. I took her back more times now than I can count. Even got the added joy of having to go get blood tested to make sure I didn't pick up some of the diseases one of the OM picked up while banging hookers on the side. I was totally trusting of her until I figured out what was going on about a year and a half ago. Now I'm getting taken to the cleaners because we live in a "no fault divorce" area.

 

I've got a hundred other sad and awful moments that she's done to me. But in the end, I'm not going to allow it to control me or my life anymore. I even still treat her with respect when it comes to dealing with our daughter.

 

I just look at it that I'm thankful I know all these things now. I can't imagine how awful my life would be if I had never figured out when it always took her 2 hours to go grocery shopping.

[VeryBrokenMan]

It all depends on how long you allow it to control your life.

 

My STBXW was cheating on my for most of out time together (6 out of 10 years that I know of) with multiple affair partners. I took her back more times now than I can count. Even got the added joy of having to go get blood tested to make sure I didn't pick up some of the diseases one of the OM picked up while banging hookers on the side. I was totally trusting of her until I figured out what was going on about a year and a half ago. Now I'm getting taken to the cleaners because we live in a "no fault divorce" area.

 

I've got a hundred other sad and awful moments that she's done to me. But in the end, I'm not going to allow it to control me or my life anymore. I even still treat her with respect when it comes to dealing with our daughter.

 

I just look at it that I'm thankful I know all these things now. I can't imagine how awful my life would be if I had never figured out when it always took her 2 hours to go grocery shopping.

 

I think this is the key: you have to choose not to allow your cheater to control your life or happiness. Easier said than done but it is a choice.

[velvette]

Thank you all,

 

I'd like to let you know that everyone's opinion and all viewpoints are important to me and help me to complete the puzzle. The lady who was what you called WS and posted here and the gentleman who suggested I'm a sexist (I probably am in the given context) - you are all welcome. I do consider moral aspects of snooping, though we always had total transparency by default (including all passwords, pin's and secret questions).

 

At the moment it feels somewhat academic to me. I have evidence that she was not truthful again and the only logical conclusion is that she's going to meet him.

It is remarkably simple: her work email notification on her phone from her boss ("hi Name, It is ok for you to leave earlier, before you go please ensure that.... ") for the same day she told me she's going to be late due to important meeting at work. Go figure.

 

Of course I'm not going to allow anything physical to happen this night, but unless it's a massive coincidence, this will be the end.

 

Thanks for staying with me here.

 

 

I know others have said their spouses did not object to their snooping, but don't be surprised if your W rails at you for snooping/spying in an effort to blame shift or gaslight you and divert the conversation from her infidelity to your snooping.

 

 

The thing to remember is snooping will not be the thing that ends your marriage even if she is angry about it. And a healthy sense of humor that appreciates irony if she takes that tack is useful.

[zinger]

There is a lot of truth in what you are saying. I'll keep it very simple though - and very black and white as a matter of fact :

- She has done nothing inappropriate (massive confidence, I'm in coma and having a nightmare, whatever) - she will have a very remorseful and apologetic husband though technically what I have done on top of our normal transparency can be justified (I hope)

 

- She has cheated - and her viewpoint on the matter will be irrelevant and cholastic. How many angels and be fit at the needle tip of you like.

 

Anyway I'll know soon (I hope)

 

 

I know others have said their spouses did not object to their snooping, but don't be surprised if your W rails at you for snooping/spying in an effort to blame shift or gaslight you and divert the conversation from her infidelity to your snooping.

 

 

The thing to remember is snooping will not be the thing that ends your marriage even if she is angry about it. And a healthy sense of humor that appreciates irony if she takes that tack is useful.

[Binster]

Just hoping things go as well as they can for you mate.

 

Good luck

[Binster]

Do you know where they'll meet.

 

Do have some kind of track app on her phone or tracker on her car

in case the p.i screws up (it does happen and your back to square one).

[Buckeye2]

I'd like to let you know that everyone's opinion and all viewpoints are important to me and help me to complete the puzzle. The lady who was what you called WS and posted here and the gentleman who suggested I'm a sexist (I probably am in the given context) - you are all welcome.

 

Just to be clear you ‘re not being sexist. Merrmeade was calling me sexist for not discussing wayward husbands in my answer to your question about wayward wives. My response to her was sarcastic. There is no reason on earth you should be concerned with wayward husbands at this trying time.

 

now let's get back to zinger's dilemma.

 

I never left it. I was merely trying to answer zinger's question. By the way, zinger's question is sexist. He didn't ask about husbands.

[BetrayedH]

I have evidence that she was not truthful again and the only logical conclusion is that she's going to meet him. It is remarkably simple: her work email notification on her phone from her boss ("hi Name, It is ok for you to leave earlier, before you go please ensure that.... ") for the same day she told me she's going to be late due to important meeting at work. Go figure.

 

This doesn't seem terribly convincing to me. Didn't you say your wife deals with outside companies/vendors? Perhaps she's just having a late afternoon meeting away from the office (of which her boss is aware) and going home straight from there.

 

I'm just suggesting you keep your cool if you don't really see anything blatantly inapproriate happening. Her other lunch sounded fairly innocent as well. Hate to have you barge into a business mtg with unfounded accusations of cheating.

 

You gotta have more than this. And even then, you have to keep your cool.

 

The most damning thing I've heard so far was her recent addition of the Kik app to her phone. I don't know why a grown woman needs Kik. Have you managed to retrieve any of those messages?

[RightThere]

This doesn't seem terribly convincing to me. Didn't you say your wife deals with outside companies/vendors? Perhaps she's just having a late afternoon meeting away from the office (of which her boss is aware) and going home straight from there.

 

I'm just suggesting you keep your cool if you don't really see anything blatantly inapproriate happening. Her other lunch sounded fairly innocent as well. Hate to have you barge into a business mtg with unfounded accusations of cheating.

 

You gotta have more than this. And even then, you have to keep your cool.

 

The most damning thing I've heard so far was her recent addition of the Kik app to her phone. I don't know why a grown woman needs Kik. Have you managed to retrieve any of those messages?

 

I hate jumping to conclusions as well, but something just really feels off about the situation. I encourage the OP to continue to trust his gut. There are too many things without a good explanation. And usually they add up to something being not right.

[No Limit]

Tell your PI about it; it should be easy for him to follow her to wherever they meet.

[zinger]

This doesn't seem terribly convincing to me. Didn't you say your wife deals with outside companies/vendors? Perhaps she's just having a late afternoon meeting away from the office (of which her boss is aware) and going home straight from there.

 

That is what I was hoping for when going there. Massive misunderstanding at least for this night. Don't remember if I have posted about her work...perhaps I have. Guess it doesn't mater anymore. For no professional relationship includes holding hands, touching cheeks of each other and giving him a designer watch as a present.

 

My sarcasm is not directed ay you. It is just when it is over and I have no hope left I'm trying to be sarcastic not melodramatic.

 

It is all over. Thank you all. You were right.

[66Charger]

Damn. Since I have been on, not one has turned out good. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE.

This one, I had hope for.

 

As I said to Robbie, burn this down quickly and move on

[lgspot]

I'm sorry zinger?

There are many people here that care about you. Continue to reach out.

 

Is it fixable?

[velvette]

I'm sorry Zinger. Have you confronted her yet?

 

 

Take care of yourself and hang around, there are lots of people here who can help you navigate next steps.

[CarrieT]

Thinking of you, Zinger. We are here for you.

[Poutrew]

So, so sorry to hear this bro... Like other cheaters you read about in this forum, your wife appears to be caught up in a fantasy world where she might actually think your marriage can survive her activity. Sounds like it's finally time to show her the reality of the situation. From here on, the only good advice I can offer is to approach the Reveal & Consequences in a cold, business like way. Like the comedian says, 'Git 'er done'...my previous advice to keep an active DVR in your pocket during this process to catch her out in a confession applies doubly so.

 

 

Again, sorry to hear this happened, but not as sorry as your wife's gonna be when she realizes her sugar daddy is gonna bail on her and she comes to understand why people call them "starving artists".

[lgspot]

FYI---just something to think about.

You might keep the PI on a short time after you confront her.

My ex got real busy trying to hide some of her tracks after I caught her. Detective got tons of info from what she was trying to hide then.

It wasn't for revenge. It was for my protection.

Right now, even though you are hurting---information is your friend.

Good luck.

[drifter777]

Zinger - no one here is at all happy to be right. Most of us know how you feel right now and all I can say is I'm sorry you have to endure this. Find someone you can talk to like a clergy or a close family member. See a counselor as soon as you can get in - tell them you are in crisis and they will make someone available to help you. Tell her to leave for a while or else leave yourself. Give your mind & heart a break for a few days without having to talk to her or even look at her. Lots of us here share your pain.

[merrmeade]

OHhhhhh, just ohhhh, zinger. So, so hurting for you.

 

But another bit of advice from having done it all, ALL wrong. Just DON't even think reconciliation because it's not up to you. Remember this, sweetie, it's the most important thing I can say. I learned from reading about other people's post-dDay actions vs my own. The best situations in my opinion - whether they divorced or reconciled - were when the BS took a hard line BODY AND SOUL, took steps immediately to end it completely, sometimes moved out quickly and got to work on new lives.

 

In some cases the WS came crawling back, begging to be taken in. But it was only because the BS truly DID NOT CARE that the WS realized s/he had to beg for one more chance. You don't say I love you, I forgive because truth be told. I'm sure you don't. The 180 and ten somel.

 

But that may not happen and it won't if you expect it to. You have to be indiff 100% also for your own sake. Believe me. Don't make my mistakes.