To bust or not to bust

[TobyBoy]

Really sorry for what your going through. How did your wife react when confronted?

[BetrayedH]

FYI---just something to think about.

You might keep the PI on a short time after you confront her.

My ex got real busy trying to hide some of her tracks after I caught her. Detective got tons of info from what she was trying to hide then.

It wasn't for revenge. It was for my protection.

Right now, even though you are hurting---information is your friend.

Good luck.

 

As wisely said above, it may be smart to sit on this information if you plan on divorce. Do you know if you live in an "at fault" state? If so, proof of her infidelity may serve you well.

 

My gut says you have a lot of thinking to do. The best advice I can give you right now is to make decisions with your head, not your emotions.

 

Most people make emotional decisions after Dday. Some make horrible decisions in anger. Others desperately cling to their spouse. A lot do both. If you've already confronted your wife, it might be wise to follow Drifter's advice and get some distance between you for a while, and seek counseling.

[eric1]

You don't buy watches for guys you just met.

[zinger]

Now, I'd like to thank everyone of you who posted here before and especially those who's advice was so invaluable to me. Cancelling the trip, analysis of phone bills, surveillance, or just "we are here for you" message - all of that allowed me at least to keep a chunk of my dignity. I owe you irrespectively from if you believe this was a "writing experiment " or not.

 

Thank you.

Edited May 30, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

For no professional relationship includes holding hands, touching cheeks of each other and giving him a designer watch as a present.

 

What kind of watch did she give him? Tag? Rolex? Cartier? Something else?

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I believe you, Zinger.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

and who is considering / working on moving out of his home: sorty for my last post(s) being abrupt, illogical and maybe not convincing enough.

 

Considering? Hit the bricks, honey. Now boyfriend gets 100% of her. I'm confident he won't like whathe finds, eespecially after just getting the fun 10%.

[merrmeade]

That is what I was hoping for when going there. Massive misunderstanding at least for this night. Don't remember if I have posted about her work...perhaps I have. Guess it doesn't mater anymore. For no professional relationship includes holding hands, touching cheeks of each other and giving him a designer watch as a present.

 

My sarcasm is not directed ay you. It is just when it is over and I have no hope left I'm trying to be sarcastic not melodramatic.

 

It is all over. Thank you all. You were right.

zinger, please don't take this wrong because I am very moved and respectful of your agony. But a couple of times I've felt that your posts could be read more than one way. Again, I realize it's very hard to pull yourself up and it feels like over-explaining to you. BUt I'm afraid - from the questions ranging all over the place from us - that we're responding to a different situation from what we think.

 

I think it would be good to explain:

"Massive misunderstanding at least for this night."

Did you confront and have an argument? Did you confront and regret? Did you misunderstand and back off, ie, not confront?

 

Also, when you explain that 'it is over' means that you "have no hope left" and are "trying to be sarcastic not melodramatic" IS actually melodramatic and therefore, obscuring the fact of whether it's, indeed, "over," WHAT is over and if you're still just being sarcastic.

 

I just want to know if you're all right and where you are in the process. I can't tell!

[BetrayedH]

zinger, please don't take this wrong because I am very moved and respectful of your agony. But a couple of times I've felt that your posts could be read more than one way. Again, I realize it's very hard to pull yourself up and it feels like over-explaining to you. BUt I'm afraid - from the questions ranging all over the place from us - that we're responding to a different situation from what we think.

 

I think it would be good to explain:

"Massive misunderstanding at least for this night."

Did you confront and have an argument? Did you confront and regret? Did you misunderstand and back off, ie, not confront?

 

Also, when you explain that 'it is over' means that you "have no hope left" and are "trying to be sarcastic not melodramatic" IS actually melodramatic and therefore, obscuring the fact of whether it's, indeed, "over," WHAT is over and if you're still just being sarcastic.

 

I just want to know if you're all right and where you are in the process. I can't tell!

 

Seriously, you've had 21 pages of concern, advice, and attempts to soften what was potentially going to be a traumatic blow, because they've been there. And now you're just going to be thankful and cryptic?

[drifter777]

Merr - I read that post as an "either/or" thing. Like if she's innocent he owes her big apology and if she's guilty then his spying was irrelevant.

[merrmeade]

Merr - I read that post as an "either/or" thing. Like if she's innocent he owes her big apology and if she's guilty then his spying was irrelevant.

Ok. Hard to tell because he's so upset and getting more upset imagining the worst. The advice to wait until you have something concrete is important. Hope he did.

[CarrieT]

Zinger, we hope you will continue to post how you are doing and what has been transpiring.

[zinger]

BH, I think you are right. After 21 pages of great advice and support I owe you all at least an update. Please note that the post you are referring to is actually a half of my post (edited my Moderator ) where I was responding to someone else. Admittedly I lost my nerve then.

 

MM and others, yes I'm having an enormous trouble writing about these very personal matters, so my posts maybe seen as cryptic. Be rest assured not intentionally. That is why earlier I have expressed preference for specific questions (I think I did)

 

In a couple of hours I'll settle in a hotel and will post a bullet point update (after going through all the questions asked). In the meantime the digest is:

- I have received my proof, confronted and got an "inappropriate emotional involvement" confession. That was the same artist (male) identified by his cell. The watches - as I have been told - were the farewell gift (I do not believe this BTW), I have no idea what was the brand. By misunderstanding I meant that even on my way to confront I did have a hope that this maybe something innocent (as BH suggested earlier). A friend I did not approve, an odd work related meeting. It would probably not explain all previous issues, but would give me some hope. I understand this is irrational. But when I learned that was the same guy she was callling and they are holding hands I confronted.

 

I hope this post is more or less clear.

[Binster]

Sorry it's happened like this for you mate.

 

As you've seen the more information you give the guys here the better, more specific and helpful their reply's can be.

[fellini]

Well OP. You got confirmation, but it seems you do not know "of what" exactly.

 

EA is confessed.

 

But now you are left with a WW who claims she was ENDING her EA, presumably because of the very two early discussion you had with her.

 

Which options are there?

 

1) That she really was ending a EA when she realised your position.

2) That she realised your position but was moving forward with her EA until, at least, she got caught.

 

Do both of those options end your marriage, in your mind?

Does option 1 not satisfy your need for her to get out of whatever she got herself into before things got out of hand?

 

If you have no way to distinguish between 1 and 2, are you going to settle on 1) and give her the benefit of the doubt?

 

or would you be better off taking as a given, option 2, the worse case scenario, and make you decision to stay or go with THAT as a FACT.

 

This is, essentially what I had to do. But I had EA and PA to deal with. I had to accept that on the one hand a single man was trying to steal my wife, and on the other, NOT GIVE CREDIT TO her saying she never intended to leave, that it wasn't about that, and accept that SHE could very easily have left me had she not been caught.

 

I had to stop trying to figure out where I WAS in the formula of her A, and simply accept that I was about to be put to pasture. Given that I could never know, and was going to beat myself up daily trying to figure it out, I accepted that our marriage nearly ended because of her affair. From there I was able to focus on what mattered, moving forward. Did I want to give us another chance?

 

The fact is, a lot of people who enter into affairs who leave (or are booted out) eventually come to realise that what they had was what they in fact, really wanted. It took a while for my WW to admit to that, to accept that she was truly leaving our marriage for what she was developing for another man, despite people calling them "fantasy" they are very real. They simply sit on top of a foundation that is not solid like a marriage provides.

 

And so the question is really about you. What do you want? Do you want to live the rest of your life with this woman who has screwed up? or do you want to do the work, individually and together, to try to build something splendid from the ashes. If you do not know, yet, then do nothing. Give yourself 3 months before you deploy strategies which will determine the future in ways that cannot be reversed.

[eric1]

So sorry to hear the update man. You gut feelings were completely validated.

 

My advice at this point is to realize you're the victim of probably the worst type of betrayal known to man. Nothing you did or said warranted her going outside of the marriage.

 

She obviously no longer has respect for you, so it's probably not even going to be worth breaking no contact to engage. You'll just get trickle truthed at this point.

[CarrieT]

In a couple of hours I'll settle in a hotel

If you are seriously considering divorce, it might be best to ask her to leave the move out. Don't take up permanent residence in a hotel.

 

When/If you check with a lawyer, the general advice is to not abandon the marital home (i.e., asset). It might give her leverage in the division of property if she can cite that the home is no longer your place of residence if you are the one who leaves.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I'm very sorry this happened, bro.

 

If I think it s watches (more than one), it's a pretty dumb farewell gift. Expensive and personal. I gave a vintage Rolex Air King from my collection to my fiancé, and no way would I give it to someone I was breaking up with. I don't have all the details, but that justddoesn't ring true to me. I don't buy it.

 

I also wouldn't leave. She shoul. SShe wants to be with boyfriend, get out and go for it. You shouldn'tkleave your home. She's the one leaving.

 

Good luck, friend

[oldshirt]

In my young and dumb days I was given an emerald ring by a married women during the developing stages of our involvement.

 

 

I have also given and received gifts to and from various GFs and my wife in the developing stages and during the relationship(s).

 

 

Never once have ever I given or received an exit gift.

[Furious]

I'm saddened for you Zinger, I can relate that finding the truth feels like your heart is ripped from your chest.

 

There is no satisfaction discovering your gut instinct was right. The angst and self doubt, the moral question of having to resort to hiring a PI is a difficult decision and then getting proof for me felt anticlimactic and it left me numb.

 

My PI was gentle and he gave me good advice. He stressed that in his long career he'd seen it all and that the best thing for me was to let go. That most cheaters follow a pattern, that most cheaters are sorry they got caught more than sorry for betraying you. He told me that reasoning with a cheater who is high on justification and having their double life torn away is something they cannot handle. A real marriage cannot compete with an affair. He said the sooner you set them free the sooner the affair must be reconciled with reality.

 

That is what I did, I set my husband free, handed him his suitcase and wished him well. Letting go is a healthy choice, it reaffirms your own self respect and it sets the foundation toward divorce or possible reconciliation in the future.

 

Letting go of a cheater is like a cold bucket of water that no amount of cheap forgiveness can accomplish.

 

At this point, take care of you, put your ducks in order, get individual counselling, respect yourself, be a class act and know that you're reality is worth more than than being a third party to deceit.

[Morro72]

Never once have ever I given or received an exit gift.

Exits are when you try to take gifts back.

[zinger]

OK, the report. I'll try to stick to the facts only and not emotions. Only would like to note that now when I'm writing this, I cannot believe what a naive fool I have been and how surreal it looks like even to me. I will refer to her as "FWW" as I think she is truly a "former" wife now.

 

1. I knew (or suspected) that something may happen at that day and time thanks to that "intercepted" email from FWW boss I posted about earlier. I checked with FWW and she confirmed she will be at the meeting at work.

 

2. I decided to stay in the office. This was genuine (I had work to do) and FWW knew about that (that I'll be late) for 2 or 3 days. Her phone location (Google, our phones are visible under Google device something , the guy who wad helping me instructed me how to use it whatever this thing is called).showed she parked at a certain shopping mall.

 

3) I called the guy (wanted to confront both of them and needed a witness) and went there. Located her car (took a while, no GPS in undercover parking) and called the guy. He was able to get there before me.

 

He confirmed she is meeting the same male (artist) in the cafe, they were holding hands, FWW gave him a small box and touched his cheek and he did the same.

 

4) I went to the identified cafe, however they were not there anymore (came too late). I raced to her car, called her while leaning at the bonnet and asked about her location. The response was "leaving work to go home". I suggested to hurry up as I'm 5 minutes from home and need to talk.

 

5).FWW entered the parking, saw me and just turned and went back to the mall. Breaking my own promise - the look on her face was all the proof I needed.

 

6) I went home and started packing my "travel" case but stopped half way. Don't remember what I was going next, this state of mind was interrupted by the call to my cell from FWW best (female ) friend. Apparently FWW called her as she was to shaken and in tears to drive.

She (friend ) asked if it is safe to bring FWW home (I assume she thought I could be violent ).

 

7) FWW came home crying, I told her the facts I had and she confessed to "inappropriate emotional involvement" (quote ). Swears nothing sexual ever happened.

 

8) She was hysterical, crying and vomiting (apologies if it is too detailed ) she had to take some sort of sedative pills. I posted here (not in the clearest state of mind) and got accused my story is fake.

 

9).Soon after she woke up and I checked she's OK; we had another talk.and I left to stay in a hotel. Have told nobody so far, but my phone is full of calls and messages from FWW and her family. I'm ignoring all of them.

 

That's it. Facts only (mostly). At no point I was violent or abusive or threatening

When I posted about "it" being over I meant my doubts and my marriage.

[zinger]

The watch. Shazam, only one, picked up a wrong keyboard suggestion.

 

I asked FWW what was in the box. She said "watch". I couldn't stop myself and made couple of statements along the line of "you don't want your boyfriend to be late for your dates, do you?" and "so he couldn't afford his own?". It is when she told me it's "designer" watch and her farewell gift. I could probably try to find out the brand, but what's the point now?

[zinger]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

 

Well OP. You got confirmation, but it seems you do not know "of what" exactly.

 

EA is confessed.

 

But now you are left with a WW who claims she was ENDING her EA, presumably because of the very two early discussion you had with her.

 

Which options are there?

 

1) That she really was ending a EA when she realised your position.

2) That she realised your position but was moving forward with her EA until, at least, she got caught.

 

.

 

Exactly this, plus I'm totally not convinced there were no physical aspect involved. I'm struggling to imagine any way she can prove this to me.

[TobyBoy]

Did she say how she met the OM?

 

What happens next for you? Is this something you can forgive?