To bust or not to bust

[zinger]

 

Translate:

We are very concerned that you are going to divorce our daughter and have to deal with the aftermath of her actions.

 

They are good folk, but...

 

 

Considering amount of help (financial and not) I have willingly provided over these years... I think I've earn a right to be cynical.

[zinger]

Sounds like they're not saying that you've got this all wrong, or that she really loves you, etc.

 

No they not... I haven't listened to all the messages though.

[velvette]

No they not... I haven't listened to all the messages though.

 

I would text the parents back.

 

 

Thanks for your concern I am ok. Im sorry your daughter got you involved in our problems. Also sorry to inform you that your daughter has been lying to me for x months and continues to do so. That being the case there is nothing to talk about.

[merrmeade]

I still wouldn't trust the friend.

 

Tread carefully, brother. Good luck.

VERY important.

[fellini]

Well zinger.

first of all, good idea to hang on to the PI. Youve got another 5 at least here who don't give a rats arse about details, like proof, and peddle in huge assumptions and clairvoyance.

 

What ever happened to them, happened to them. The details of you WW are yours to discover. Running with conjecture isn't going to be very helpful.

 

Being on the other side of 2 years post dday I saw something that you said that I think is going to be your biggest issue. It's not about wrong or right. It's about who or what controls your life. You are suggesting that if her version is true, (which it never is 100% even if no physical was involved) there might be a decision to save the marriage. If you find out there was physical, then it's over.

 

Aside from the fact that the word physical needs to be defined, do you mean they kissed, tongue, they touched... where, how often. ... you'll just not resolve anything creating invisible moveable lines in the sand when a hurricane is going on around your emotional life.

 

IMHO and in my experience, the decision to reconcile and rebuild a marriage belongs to you, not to some conditions outside of your control. You either love your wife truly, madly deeply, or you do not. It is not a formula. LOVE = (EA X) + (% PA) < 1 where n years M {t/h}.

I could say more about this but I think you get where I'm going.

 

Good luck Zinger, I try to stay out of threads where the majority of people assume you have no choice but to call a lawyer on the smallest proof.

[zinger]

VERY important.

 

I can't trust my wife (Captain Obvious speaking)

I can't trust her parents for no matter what they'll eventually take her side

I can't trust my parents for I can't predict what would they do (separate issue)

I can't trust friends for they will be biased

 

So the only logical conclusion that the only people I can trust is LS crowd, whom I met online 10 days ago. :)

[velvette]

I can't trust my wife (Captain Obvious speaking)

I can't trust her parents for no matter what they'll eventually take her side

I can't trust my parents for I can't predict what would they do (separate issue)

I can't trust friends for they will be biased

 

So the only logical conclusion that the only people I can trust is LS crowd, whom I met online 10 days ago. :)

 

 

My advice is trust yourself. Take your time. Leave yourself room to maneuver and don't close off options until you are sure your want them closed off.

 

 

There is no rush. You are in the middle of a tornado. Give yourself time.

 

 

Focus on taking care of yourself and take steps that protect your best interest.

[zinger]

Not correct Fellini.

 

The marriage is over no matter what. Not backing down from this and it has nothing to do with love.

 

Simply put there are some things I can never forgive despite any degree of love involved, and there are things I can. If it falls into "I can" bucket, there's life after the divorce. So its not a formula, its a matter of a certain threshold if you like.

 

Example: long time ago being young, naive. "I know better" and black and white she put herself and my little brother in a life threatening situation . I pulled them out, ended up in hospital. Never mentioned since, that was EASY to forgive.

 

Well zinger.

first of all, good idea to hang on to the PI. Youve got another 5 at least here who don't give a rats arse about details, like proof, and peddle in huge assumptions and clairvoyance.

 

What ever happened to them, happened to them. The details of you WW are yours to discover. Running with conjecture isn't going to be very helpful.

 

Being on the other side of 2 years post dday I saw something that you said that I think is going to be your biggest issue. It's not about wrong or right. It's about who or what controls your life. You are suggesting that if her version is true, (which it never is 100% even if no physical was involved) there might be a decision to save the marriage. If you find out there was physical, then it's over.

 

Aside from the fact that the word physical needs to be defined, do you mean they kissed, tongue, they touched... where, how often. ... you'll just not resolve anything creating invisible moveable lines in the sand when a hurricane is going on around your emotional life.

 

IMHO and in my experience, the decision to reconcile and rebuild a marriage belongs to you, not to some conditions outside of your control. You either love your wife truly, madly deeply, or you do not. It is not a formula. LOVE = (EA X) + (% PA) < 1 where n years M {t/h}.

I could say more about this but I think you get where I'm going.

 

Good luck Zinger, I try to stay out of threads where the majority of people assume you have no choice but to call a lawyer on the smallest proof.

[66Charger]

You still love her and that doesn't change in a day, but understand that you love a cheater. All parties need to know, you are not just talking about a affair, your are really talking about a divorce. This needs to be understood. This is HER reality now.

 

She is alone right now. Either she is living a nightmare with you gone from her bed. Divorce on the horizon, feeling how stupid she could be, or She is talking to the AP.

 

That is YOUR reality.

[merrmeade]

... or She is talking to the AP.

You surely know by now, zinger, after all the excellent tracking you've learned, that you could be checking her phone activity in the present if you want to know to whom she's talking. You've identified whose numbers they are now, or can get the PI to do it. It would be instructive and help you verify what she might say she's doing vs what she's really doing (if you care at this point) — e.g., talking/not talking to the AP.

[eric1]

She went looking to date (you saw the web pages).

 

She found a guy.

 

She hooked up.

 

She used your money to buy a gift for him.

 

Cash unaccounted for.

 

Several meetings.

 

Opportunity to hook up while you away.

 

There's no way it wasn't full on P.A/EA affair sorry pal.

It's time to go nuclear .

 

Yup. One does not go to the websites she went to and one does not go through the lengths that she went through to find someone to talk backgammon with. On the 1% chance that it was not physical yet it was her intent to bring it physical. She doesn't get extra credit points for having an affair broken up by her husband.

 

Zinger, speaking of her boyfriend, a nice way to get your mind off things for the next few days is checking off his checkbox. Use your PI to see if there is anyone in his life who should know about this.

[eric1]

You surely know by now, zinger, after all the excellent tracking you've learned, that you could be checking her phone activity in the present if you want to know to whom she's talking. You've identified whose numbers they are now, or can get the PI to do it. It would be instructive and help you verify what she might say she's doing vs what she's really doing (if you care at this point) — e.g., talking/not talking to the AP.

 

 

She is probably using Kik.

[zinger]

You surely know by now, zinger, after all the excellent tracking you've learned, that you could be checking her phone activity in the present if you want to know to whom she's talking. You've identified whose numbers they are now, or can get the PI to do it. It would be instructive and help you verify what she might say she's doing vs what she's really doing (if you care at this point) — e.g., talking/not talking to the AP.

 

I probably shouldn't care but I do monitor everything. Based on your previous suggestion I have discovered her A-related spendings. No calls to his cell. Calls to her parents mostly, one call and long talk from a lady who brought her home.

 

I'm getting intel on the guy. I want and will meet him face to face soon.

[66Charger]

Smallest proof? Some people gaslight themselves. Let's throw that ridiculous statement out

However, I do think the window should remain open if you truly desire it and your conditions are met. No calls to him? That's "good" news

 

We are anonymous people who you may never meet. Those who stay with a WS will advise you one way and those who hold themselves to a different value system will advise differently. But most mean well. I, am not to fond of pain and try not to inflict it on myself. Please take our words as strictly opinions

 

Get some rest. Don't be here years from now.

Edited June 1, 2015 by 66Charger

[prekopsian]

Hi Zinger

 

I've been following your story. My sincere condolences.

 

When I discovered my ex-wife's affair, I fought a strong compulsion to meet with the other man. I wanted to size him up. To see what he had that I hadn't. It's understandable I think, but ultimately I concluded that any meeting would likely set me back, not him.

 

Your wife's affair partner is nobody, he's anybody, and he has nothing you haven't – except perhaps empathy if he knows she's married. She promised fidelity to you and she's the only person responsible for reneging on that promise. If not him then another.

 

Personally, I'd leave him alone. Focus on yourself and putting your life back together. Could you reach out to your brother perhaps?

 

Best of luck, Zinger. It will get better.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Zinger,

 

There isn't much of an upside to meeting her boyfriend. What is he going to say? He's nothing.

[prekopsian]

"Your wife's affair partner is nobody, he's anybody, and he has nothing you haven't – except perhaps empathy if he knows she's married."

 

I meant to say that he lacks empathy. I doubt you do.

[Steen719]

I probably shouldn't care but I do monitor everything. Based on your previous suggestion I have discovered her A-related spendings. No calls to his cell. Calls to her parents mostly, one call and long talk from a lady who brought her home.

 

I'm getting intel on the guy. I want and will meet him face to face soon.

 

Please be careful. Getting thrown in jail will hurt you in ways you don't want and you do not deserve that. He is a POS if he knew she was married, but she is the one who promised you fidelity. Be careful, OK?

[fellini]

My comments were based on this expression in a previous quote:

 

"5) There is a chance for her (a very small one) if there was no physical component and "emotional involvement" has not progressed to expression of love. Otherwise its over."

 

If for you the marriage is over, kaput, dead, adios... I support you. My comment was about how you were in, and not in, depending...

 

I think its better you have a clear decision, although I am not one to make my decisions so firm, others are. Having a child in common does have a way of putting other variables into the mix.

 

Good luck.

 

Not correct Fellini.

 

The marriage is over no matter what. Not backing down from this and it has nothing to do with love.

 

Simply put there are some things I can never forgive despite any degree of love involved, and there are things I can. If it falls into "I can" bucket, there's life after the divorce. So its not a formula, its a matter of a certain threshold if you like.

 

Example: long time ago being young, naive. "I know better" and black and white she put herself and my little brother in a life threatening situation . I pulled them out, ended up in hospital. Never mentioned since, that was EASY to forgive.

Edited June 1, 2015 by fellini

[Buckeye2]

We have no idea what your wife will do. I was just saying that you should get a polygraph, and get it NOW, before the shock wears off and she stops calling you.

 

If you’re going to get a polygraph get it while she’s off balance. You may not have to ever actually get it. Often there is what’s called a “parking lot confession.” That is they confess on the way in.

 

If you want to know the truth don’t be too emphatic about the marriage being over no matter what. Leave the door open a crack. Otherwise she might as well stick to her current story to minimize the damage to her reputation.

 

As others have said there is a 99% chance it was a PA and I would divorce her too with what you aleady have. But it would bother me years from now when she telling your grandkids that grandpa found out that I held hands with another man and he broke up our family. I'm an old guy and I know about the passage of time. That will be her story.

Edited June 1, 2015 by Buckeye2

[BetrayedH]

Zinger,

 

There isn't much of an upside to meeting her boyfriend. What is he going to say? He's nothing.

 

There's a lot of truth to this. The common scenario is that the two of them have contrived a story that minimized it all.

 

There is a small, off-chance that you'd find out more from him than your wife. But honestly, that's pretty uncommon with men. It's more likely that he'll either try to diffuse the situation by telling you what you want to hear. Your wife may also have fears for her safety (legitimate or not) and he'd try to protect her. It could also get confrontational, which really puts YOU at risk. More likely than anything, he'll avoid you like the plague.

 

I met with my wife's OM, under threat of exposing to his wife. While my wife had committed to ending the affair, I wanted to hear what his intentions were from his own mouth. He told me what I wanted to hear. It really accomplished nothing. Neither of them were believable.

[nightmare01]

I understand your need to confront this guy, but in reality he really isn't worth your time. And as others have said, if you let your temper get the best of you - and this guy my try to goad you - you will end up looking like the bad guy, an "abusive" husband with anger issues, and that will be used to justify your WW's affair. You could also end up in jail.

 

It's a no-win situation.

[italianjob]

 

IMHO and in my experience, the decision to reconcile and rebuild a marriage belongs to you, not to some conditions outside of your control. You either love your wife truly, madly deeply, or you do not. It is not a formula. LOVE = (EA X) + (% PA) < 1 where n years M {t/h}.

I could say more about this but I think you get where I'm going.

 

 

The depth of his love for his wife is one of the factors, but not the only one. If we follow this logic you should stay with your cheating spouse even if he/she doesn't end the affair, if you truly love him/her.

But it doesn't work like that... There are always other conditions...

[italianjob]

As others have said there is a 99% chance it was a PA and I would divorce her too with what you aleady have. But it would bother me years from now when she telling your grandkids that grandpa found out that I held hands with another man and he broke up our family. I'm an old guy and I know about the passage of time. That will be her story.

 

Maybe I've missed it somehow, but I was under the impression that there were no children involved...

[Buckeye2]

If you’re going to get a polygraph get it while she’s off balance. You may not have to ever actually get it. Often there is what’s called a “parking lot confession.” That is they confess on the way in.

 

But it would bother me years from now when she telling your grandkids that grandpa found out that I held hands with another man and he broke up our family.

 

The idea is that she will confess to having sex with him one time (while drunk and it was bad) to keep from having the polygraph and you finding out more. That would be enough for me and I would stop there.

 

Now the story to the grandkids changes to grandpa found out that I had sex with another man and he broke up the family. Grandpa comes across much better. The number of time they had sex and if she loved him wouldn’t really change the story that much and it’s not worth the effort to find out.

 

EDIT:

 

Maybe I've missed it somehow, but I was under the impression that there were no children involved...

 

I could be wrong but I would still want the record stright for friends and family.

Edited June 1, 2015 by Buckeye2