To bust or not to bust

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Why not send a nice thank you/ congratulations card to the OM? Saying something like 'Hey buddy! Thanks for taking the witch off my hands! I hope you two love birds are really happy. Your wife must be thrilled too! I sent her a nice note informing her of your unyielding love for my ex wife.

Well must dash!

Well, I wouldn't do that, but otherwise this is a good point. Step aside and let him have 100% of her, not just the fun 10%. Things aren't as sexy and fun when he has to deal with the other 90%.

 

I might have missed something, but I wasn't aware this guy was married.

[CarrieT]

Zinger, will you report back on how and what you have been doing?

[zinger]

Zinger, will you report back on how and what you have been doing?

 

Thanks for asking. I'm experiencing that kind of situation where I'm very busy but nothing major actually happening. I went thorough all the posts on this thread and associate the input. Will try to address most of it in an update below.

 

1) I'll be seeing a lawyer next week. My lawyers do not practice divorce, but they referred me to the "specialist" and will do a preliminary assessment of my matters for him. They do not expect any complications.

 

2) I have finalised my framework for going forward and the list of my expectations from every one involved. It is not exactly " you do the polygraph, write the timeline etc and we reconcile" - divorce is preceeding anyway. Nor is it "we will never talk again, give me your jewellery back ". I need to have certain answers and the burden is on her. I'll sit her down and outline all of it when I get home (see below)

 

And lot of it is based on your input so thanks a lot.

 

3) Her parents got through my "firewall" (called me from the phone I was not blocking). Usual stuff you'd expect. According to the my fww is in a very bad shape and her health is under threat. Begged me to come home. I hate hotels and need some of my belongings anyway plus I do not feel its fair for me to be exiled while doing nothing wrong, so I'll visit home this week, check on fww and have a talk.

 

4) Had to inform my family (wanted them to hear from me first). They reacted as I have expected but promised to stay away from this as per my request. I'm sceptical they will keep the promise bit that's the best I can do under the circumstances.

 

Surprisingly that spent most of our phone time minimising what she has done and practically assuming this is a small bump on the road and "we will be fine". Whatever.

 

5) The artist guy. Deserves separate post as this one is getting too long.

[drifter777]

Thanks for asking. I'm experiencing that kind of situation where I'm very busy but nothing major actually happening. I went thorough all the posts on this thread and associate the input. Will try to address most of it in an update below.

 

1) I'll be seeing a lawyer next week. My lawyers do not practice divorce, but they referred me to the "specialist" and will do a preliminary assessment of my matters for him. They do not expect any complications.

 

2) I have finalised my framework for going forward and the list of my expectations from every one involved. It is not exactly " you do the polygraph, write the timeline etc and we reconcile" - divorce is preceeding anyway. Nor is it "we will never talk again, give me your jewellery back ". I need to have certain answers and the burden is on her. I'll sit her down and outline all of it when I get home (see below)

 

And lot of it is based on your input so thanks a lot.

 

3) Her parents got through my "firewall" (called me from the phone I was not blocking). Usual stuff you'd expect. According to the my fww is in a very bad shape and her health is under threat. Begged me to come home. I hate hotels and need some of my belongings anyway plus I do not feel its fair for me to be exiled while doing nothing wrong, so I'll visit home this week, check on fww and have a talk.

 

4) Had to inform my family (wanted them to hear from me first). They reacted as I have expected but promised to stay away from this as per my request. I'm sceptical they will keep the promise bit that's the best I can do under the circumstances.

 

Surprisingly that spent most of our phone time minimising what she has done and practically assuming this is a small bump on the road and "we will be fine". Whatever.

 

5) The artist guy. Deserves separate post as this one is getting too long.

Thanks for the update. I wish "see a counselor" was on your list, but it's your list.

[BetrayedH]

I recommend you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things Every WS Needs to Know. It paints a good picture of true remorse and what it takes for a wayward to rebuild trust.

Edited June 3, 2015 by BetrayedH

[TobyBoy]

Thanks for updating. Be warned, that whatever answers you seek will not be what you want hear, especially if she's in "survival mode". If your questions pertain to the logistics of the affair.....expect lies and minimizing. I can tell you right now, if you ask her "why did you do it" you will not be satisfied with her answer!!! Actually, IMO an "I don't know" answer is more believable.

[zinger]

Thanks for the update. I wish "see a counselor" was on your list, but it's your list.

 

Thanks, but could you please elaborate on why would I need to see a counselor?

[RightThere]

5) The artist guy. Deserves separate post as this one is getting too long.

 

You play out this situation as you need to. Believe me, I played out my own in every wrong way possible.

 

Just know that artist guy really has very little to do with anything, including you. I know the type.

 

Probably less on the looks side, a lot of free time, and your FWW was probably cheating down. It was more about the rush and having someone wait on her hand and foot in "affairyland". You'll get very little other than more questions focusing on him at all. You'll wonder what is wrong with you. What all did they do. What did he do for her that you couldn't.

 

It's a rabbit hole with nothing but a pile of crap at the end. Just focus on you and your new life.

 

3) Her parents got through my "firewall" (called me from the phone I was not blocking). Usual stuff you'd expect. According to the my fww is in a very bad shape and her health is under threat. Begged me to come home. I hate hotels and need some of my belongings anyway plus I do not feel its fair for me to be exiled while doing nothing wrong, so I'll visit home this week, check on fww and have a talk.

 

Although it's tough, she created this situation, and is probably over dramatizing it for more attention. No one seems to care about how tough all of this is on you. They're more concerned about the "poor victim" FWW. Don't fall for it. They all love to keep coming back to the problem solver (i.e. you).

 

Focus on yourself. If your FWW is in "bad shape" her family would be over there in a heartbeat to take care of her. She's just fine.

[zinger]

I recommend you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things Every WS Needs to Know. It paints a good picture of true remorse and what it takes for a wayward to rebuild trust.

 

Thanks and I did that, very useful reading. What is crystal clear to me is that I'm not going to enforce, dictate or suggest anything. She's free to do her own R&D.

[zinger]

 

Focus on yourself. If your FWW is in "bad shape" her family would be over there in a heartbeat to take care of her. She's just fine.

 

Actually they have been over there and that was one of the reasons for their call. They didn't want to be in my home when I'm away and not aware (to their credit).

[eric1]

In my opinion you sound great. I think the dude suggesting a counselor was suggesting it because, well, everyone suggests it.

 

I personally didn't find therapy necessarily helpful. I guess it did help hashing stuff out. But what is there to really digest that time can't help? Your wife moved into a relationship with another man, you're self aware enough to understand you had nothing to do with it and infidelity was a deal breaker for you and you're looking to getting good started on the rest of your life.

[zinger]

I have never seen one in my life, but from what I read there are two (generalizing) reasons people want to see IC.

 

1. If they feel there is something wrong/broken with them and they need an assistance or assessment by a professional. Well, I do not believe I'm broken or have done anything wrong that is proportional to or can be considered as causing the affair. I'm not ideal and had to turn my life around from a "street kid" to who I am, but I never requested nor needed any assistance from anyone.

 

2. If they can't cope. Well, these are hundred percent not the happiest days of my life, but I can cope.

 

3. If they need answers. Well, I do but not the abstract and philosophical ones from a 3rd party. There's one and only one person who could give me the answers and if she sees the benefit in doing so she can have an appointment.

 

In my opinion you sound great. I think the dude suggesting a counselor was suggesting it because, well, everyone suggests it.

 

I personally didn't find therapy necessarily helpful. I guess it did help hashing stuff out. But what is there to really digest that time can't help? Your wife moved into a relationship with another man, you're self aware enough to understand you had nothing to do with it and infidelity was a deal breaker for you and you're looking to getting good started on the rest of your life.

[eric1]

I'm basically with you.

 

They can be useful as a professional sounding board. I usually know deep down what the answers are but sometimes it takes me walking through permutations before stuff becomes solid.

 

Funny enough it's never for me. My son has social anxiety and I am so paranoid about hurting him I get into analysis paralysis. Usually an hour every few month with the dude helps me recharge. It's kind of like taking a mental **** to me lol

[No Limit]

Thanks for asking. I'm experiencing that kind of situation where I'm very busy but nothing major actually happening. I went thorough all the posts on this thread and associate the input. Will try to address most of it in an update below.

 

1) I'll be seeing a lawyer next week. My lawyers do not practice divorce, but they referred me to the "specialist" and will do a preliminary assessment of my matters for him. They do not expect any complications.

 

2) I have finalised my framework for going forward and the list of my expectations from every one involved. It is not exactly " you do the polygraph, write the timeline etc and we reconcile" - divorce is preceeding anyway. Nor is it "we will never talk again, give me your jewellery back ". I need to have certain answers and the burden is on her. I'll sit her down and outline all of it when I get home (see below)

 

And lot of it is based on your input so thanks a lot.

 

3) Her parents got through my "firewall" (called me from the phone I was not blocking). Usual stuff you'd expect. According to the my fww is in a very bad shape and her health is under threat. Begged me to come home. I hate hotels and need some of my belongings anyway plus I do not feel its fair for me to be exiled while doing nothing wrong, so I'll visit home this week, check on fww and have a talk.

 

4) Had to inform my family (wanted them to hear from me first). They reacted as I have expected but promised to stay away from this as per my request. I'm sceptical they will keep the promise bit that's the best I can do under the circumstances.

 

Surprisingly that spent most of our phone time minimising what she has done and practically assuming this is a small bump on the road and "we will be fine". Whatever.

 

5) The artist guy. Deserves separate post as this one is getting too long.

 

Good work on the lawyer.

 

To your wife; the fact that she's letting her parents do the begging while she is doing the "woe is me" act is downright sickening to read, and her minimising it shows how little of a priority your marriage was for her. So far nothing you have written makes her sound like someone who could pull off a true reconciliation, more like "Ah well, he'll be back" - and even while you don't think you'll need to cut her off entirely it must happen sooner or later so you won't be affected by rumours of her shenanigans and other manipulation she will attempt.

 

And speaking of manipulation - once you go home, be on your guard. Sex is an absolute no-go, unless you want to risk her pulling the "oops baby" trick off just as you're about to leave. Crocodile tears and minimising are also sure to come, but stick to your guns. You've given her what you expect, don't take anything less.

 

And I agree with eric, you're doing quite fine so far. I think you are able to gauge when you need professional help and when you don't.

[zinger]

Thanks,

Great input, I'd probably want to confirm:

1. I do need a professional help - from a lawyer, perhaps even more so when I get to the OM.

2. I want to be fair and give credit to my FWW where credit is due. She is far from letting the parents to act as a proxy and the "he'll be back" attitude. She was devastated, shattered and desperate since I confronted and full of re (morse)/(gret). My phone is full of calls, messages and texts and she sounds (in texts and messages) as regretful as one could imagine. The calls and texts are not stopping (yet).

 

I know what you all are going to say and I keep a pragmatic outlook on it, but given the circumstances I'm not sure I presented her current behavior objectively.

 

Agree with the other 2 paragraphs in your response BTW.

 

 

Good work on the lawyer.

 

To your wife; the fact that she's letting her parents do the begging while she is doing the "woe is me" act is downright sickening to read, and her minimising it shows how little of a priority your marriage was for her. So far nothing you have written makes her sound like someone who could pull off a true reconciliation, more like "Ah well, he'll be back" - and even while you don't think you'll need to cut her off entirely it must happen sooner or later so you won't be affected by rumours of her shenanigans and other manipulation she will attempt.

 

And speaking of manipulation - once you go home, be on your guard. Sex is an absolute no-go, unless you want to risk her pulling the "oops baby" trick off just as you're about to leave. Crocodile tears and minimising are also sure to come, but stick to your guns. You've given her what you expect, don't take anything less.

 

And I agree with eric, you're doing quite fine so far. I think you are able to gauge when you need professional help and when you don't.

[turnera]

meh, I have learned a LOT from my ICs. And I was already studying psychology to begin with. IME, they have a way to show you things about yourself or your problem that never would have occurred to you.

[zinger]

Not going to argue with a graduated psychologist

 

I'm simply keeping these 2 issues apart. If I feel or suspect or tend to believe I have a problem that I cannot identify and resolve myself (haven't experienced this before but I guess I learned never to say "never") I may need to go IC. I however while accepting I'm far from being ideal and that I do have said problems, do not see any of these that would force my FWW to get involved with other man while staying and wanting to stay married to me.

 

Anyway its nice and useful (not being sarcastic) but for some reason I still want to know if my FWW #%$##%&$$ that guy. Perhaps the counselor will help?

 

 

meh, I have learned a LOT from my ICs. And I was already studying psychology to begin with. IME, they have a way to show you things about yourself or your problem that never would have occurred to you.

[turnera]

IDK. The counselor could probably help you figure out how to trick her into confessing.

[66Charger]

No, your IT guy can help with that question.

[drifter777]

I hope you have a friend or a brother that you can count on for emotional support. What you get here is not enough and isn't always support. Anyway, you do what you think is best for you.

 

What is your plan to find out about the sex?

[zinger]

Don't get me wrong , I'm not ignoring an advice. I may actually make an attempt to see an IC. So far the reaction from all the people who know (excluding her parents but including her e.g. my FWW ) was totally opposite from what I have expected so if I need extra emotional support I may just as well try an IC.

 

My plan - if you can call it a plan - is very vague:

 

1. Keep digging for an undeniable evidence - e.g. time spent in a hotel or his appartment.

2. Talk with FWW to include clear indication that coming clean is her last chance

3. Make it very clear that until proven otherwise I assume it went physical and is bad as I can imagine, and this is her duty to prove otherwise. In other words it us FWW who needs to come up with the polygraph idea (as it has been previously suggested) not me.

 

This is all under the assumption that she wants to stay married. I've accepted the probability that when I come home this week her state of shock maybe over and she'll be leaving for true other guy.

 

 

I hope you have a friend or a brother that you can count on for emotional support. What you get here is not enough and isn't always support. Anyway, you do what you think is best for you.

 

What is your plan to find out about the sex?

[zinger]

May I please ask to post a link to a thread where husband was legally destroying the OM? It has been mentioned couple of pages back.

 

Thank you.

[eric1]

Zinger -

 

It was one of the Sofie threads. It didn't go into detail with how he did it but he was a lawyer and operated like an assassin. One day the dude was just fired from his job. His wife was boning her boss so it was probably easier than the time that you'll have.

 

At this point if you want to be destroying your wife's boyfriend you need to be in information gathering stage. She assuredly has warned him. Time is your friend. He's expecting something now and has probably prepared for it. Gather more facts.

 

That is unless you want to stop their affair through intimidation but you're getting divorced anyhow so who cares right?

[eric1]

Don't get me wrong , I'm not ignoring an advice. I may actually make an attempt to see an IC. So far the reaction from all the people who know (excluding her parents but including her e.g. my FWW ) was totally opposite from what I have expected so if I need extra emotional support I may just as well try an IC.

 

My plan - if you can call it a plan - is very vague:

 

1. Keep digging for an undeniable evidence - e.g. time spent in a hotel or his appartment.

2. Talk with FWW to include clear indication that coming clean is her last chance

3. Make it very clear that until proven otherwise I assume it went physical and is bad as I can imagine, and this is her duty to prove otherwise. In other words it us FWW who needs to come up with the polygraph idea (as it has been previously suggested) not me.

 

This is all under the assumption that she wants to stay married. I've accepted the probability that when I come home this week her state of shock maybe over and she'll be leaving for true other guy.

 

From experience I'd suggest demanding details of their affair for your mental health but not getting hung up on the sex. The problem is that it will then become about an act versus the overall betrayal. You of course have the right to know, but finding out didn't ultimately matter to me at least.

 

The emotional aspects is what kept me awake staring at the ceiling. How she was laughing and caressing his cheek while you're huddled in fear and hate talking with a damn private investigator. How he was always in her mind - simple things like getting gas she was thinking about him you now know. Down to the look of horror on her face when you got home from your trip. Not a 'hey! My guy is home!!' but something polar opposite.

 

Sex is ultimately biological. It represents the biggest possible betrayal but it's not the biggest betrayal. The biggest betrayal is giving her heart to another man.

 

You're going back home and you're about to get trickle truthed, lied to and who knows what else. It will not be worth saying a single word until she's given you her phone and computer for forensic recoveries.

[zinger]

 

The emotional aspects is what kept me awake staring at the ceiling. How she was laughing and caressing his cheek while you're huddled in fear and hate talking with a damn private investigator. How he was always in her mind - simple things like getting gas she was thinking about him you now know. Down to the look of horror on her face when you got home from your trip. Not a 'hey! My guy is home!!' but something polar opposite.

 

 

This... FML....