To bust or not to bust

[merrmeade]

You know, this is actually great. 2 particular things I find outstanding :

 

The "high road" bit. Substract Christianity, add "family reputation and harmony" and you get it hundred precent right. Only I'm not going to go crying on their shoulders for support. If they want to know how I feel (and where should they go with their family harmony up their...) they should want to know.

 

Yes that is the best framework for regret and remorse even I can comprehend. I'm not going to cry on her shoulder either. Been raised to conceal my weakness and emotions you know. Until she doesn't know it - all her tears are regret. If she stops (by her own decisions) being duchess sold to brothel, lets her suffering to join the family harmony as per the above paragraph and starts wanting to know and looking for my side of the story - then we can talk business.

You know, zinger, on rereading my post and your enthusiasm, I want to add a qualifier:

 

I think we all want you to arm you to not be duped by the ways and wiles of a cheater. But I'm not trying to convince you that remorse can never happen.

 

It can and does happen. Read Mrs. Adams' posts. Some will bring you to your knees. But that was a ONS following an EA. She confessed and after reading "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair," says she was changed. She realized what she'd done to her husband, and they started talking and talking about everything and never stopped.

 

There are some WSs who don't lie to their spouses. The spouses know about the A but don't divorce.

 

It's irrelevant right now because your wife has just been caught.

 

All this skepticism is necessary to back up information and so you don't compromise or settle for less than you deserve.

[zinger]

Oh no, I'm not overly enthusiastic or hectic in this instance. What you have posted just makes sense in any context. Works if she is genuinely remorseful or not. The thing is that I'll never know until it gets past "poor her" phase and at the moment I'm not inclined to grant the benefit of the doubt automatically as I used to. Think it's justified under the circumstances.

 

Even if I quote your post about this other lady, it's (rightfully) "she, she, she - changed that and did this". Not "her husband", right?

 

 

 

 

You know, zinger, on rereading my post and your enthusiasm, I want to add a qualifier:

 

I think we all want you to arm you to not be duped by the ways and wiles of a cheater. But I'm not trying to convince you that remorse can never happen.

 

It can and does happen. Read Mrs. Adams' posts. Some will bring you to your knees. But that was a ONS following an EA. She confessed and after reading "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair," says she was changed. She realized what she'd done to her husband, and they started talking and talking about everything and never stopped.

 

There are some WSs who don't lie to their spouses. The spouses know about the A but don't divorce.

 

It's irrelevant right now because your wife has just been caught.

 

All this skepticism is necessary to back up information and so you don't compromise or settle for less than you deserve.

[turnera]

Thank you,

 

I'm not sure I "get" the rehabilitation comment but I'd like to explain the company involvement.

 

For sure I understand I have no legal stance / case against the company and I have not suggested or hinted any legal action. The manager seemed to be a nice older bloke so I politely explained why I'm here, that I'll be trying to meet the OM there from time to time - not on premises but in the vicinity and it's up to him to ignore this whatsoever. I think he took it seriously and professionaly but who knows.

Ah, gotcha.

 

What I meant was I always recommend trying to find a way to get the OM/OW to SEE the error of their ways - be it through a hard consequence or just seeing their spouse find out and see the fallout from that...letting them see that something BAD happens - to them or their loved ones - from their actions.

 

Maybe, just maybe, once in a while, those OM/OW could be woken up and determine to never cheat again. And I'd consider my actions toward that a bonus, in terms of helping save from FUTURE WW/WH and that WW/WH's spouse from the pain of betrayal.

[zinger]

I admit my intentions were not so noble (nb no irony forum my side) but I'll certainly use it for a purpose of self justification.

 

Reading this I have a question popped up in my head. If I instead of trying to find an opportunity to beat him to the pulp will use my family connections (it sounds really low to me BTW) to deny him this work opportunity and the next one et cetera... Will it be enough of a deterrent, consequences and drivers to change his ways ? I'm being theoretical here.

 

And now (thinking out loud) : can I find out if this his first affair?

 

Upd: apology if I'm spamming all of you with my obsession. I'll stop.

 

Ah, gotcha.

 

What I meant was I always recommend trying to find a way to get the OM/OW to SEE the error of their ways - be it through a hard consequence or just seeing their spouse find out and see the fallout from that...letting them see that something BAD happens - to them or their loved ones - from their actions.

 

Maybe, just maybe, once in a while, those OM/OW could be woken up and determine to never cheat again. And I'd consider my actions toward that a bonus, in terms of helping save from FUTURE WW/WH and that WW/WH's spouse from the pain of betrayal.

[turnera]

Well, if nothing else, you can always post him on that website, what's it called?

[zinger]

Well, if nothing else, you can always post him on that website, what's it called?

 

Apologies, but I have no idea what website do you have in mind? The Si that Eric recommended me?

[eric1]

I think that he's talking about cheaterville.

 

So at this point you're just wasting time unless you're serving her with D papers. This isn't the type of thing that you wait out, the pity party will just get worse since that's how she's decided to manipulate you.

[No Limit]

Sounds like OM needed a diaper change after knowing you were there. You say you talked to the manager - why not work with him? Ask to meet up in his office before OM shows up for work, and wait there. Let the manager call him into his office and there you go?

[eric1]

Sounds like OM needed a diaper change after knowing you were there. You say you talked to the manager - why not work with him? Ask to meet up in his office before OM shows up for work, and wait there. Let the manager call him into his office and there you go?

 

The Manager would need to be completely clueless oraliciously negligent to let that happen. It opens him to legal culpability

[turnera]

I think that he's talking about cheaterville.

Yeah. Sorry, my brain wasn't working at 3am, lol.

 

I'd consider making that post as a bare minimum. When he gets Googled, it should come up. Karma.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

On OM. I get your point of view and appreciate the advice. If like to clarify that you are all right, and the only reason I went there is to be sure that I won't blame myself in the future for not doibg that. Kind of "no one messes with my wife, my rifle and my car" mentality.

I have a "you bang her, you bought her" mentality.

[merrmeade]

I admit my intentions were not so noble (nb no irony forum my side) but I'll certainly use it for a purpose of self justification.

 

Reading this I have a question popped up in my head. If I instead of trying to find an opportunity to beat him to the pulp will use my family connections (it sounds really low to me BTW) to deny him this work opportunity and the next one et cetera... Will it be enough of a deterrent, consequences and drivers to change his ways ? I'm being theoretical here.

 

And now (thinking out loud) : can I find out if this his first affair?

 

Upd: apology if I'm spamming all of you with my obsession. I'll stop.

And here's why you should stop: First of all, dear zinger, it is beneath you to "deny him this work opportunity and the next one et cetera..." How will that teach him a lesson? He needs consequences of his own making, not ones imposed by a vindictive husband.

 

Second of all, it will not be seen as a "deterrent, consequences and drivers to change his ways." It will be seen as evidence that you are messed up, vengeful, vitriolic and, therefore, hard to live; no wonder she went elsewhere for kindness and understanding, yada, yada. THAT will be another slash to the heart you don't need.

 

Just as they expect you to fix everything by forgiving instantly and, when that doesn't happen, blame you, they will add this to the list of reasons you're at fault. Don't give them reason now or later.

 

I've seen obsession with the OM/W a lot on LS. It feels impossible to resist but for different reasons. I couldn't either even though everyone here and even my H told me repeatedly she wasn't worth it. Once I was able to turn my back on her and walk AWAY from her (forever) publicly, the obsession dissipated. I wish your visit to the workplace and public exposure to the manager could be enough for you.

 

On the AP/WS side, the tendency may be to rug-sweep, whitewash and blame-shift onto you. It's not fair. You are the victim, not the perpetrator, and blaming you is as unconscionable as it is inaccurate.

 

I really like turnera's perspective. Treat them as they want to be: honest and honorable, seeking truth, objective and clear about who's responsible for what actions.

 

And then leave it. It is not your job to make them this way. Or to teach the OM a lesson.

[drifter777]

I admit my intentions were not so noble (nb no irony forum my side) but I'll certainly use it for a purpose of self justification.

 

Reading this I have a question popped up in my head. If I instead of trying to find an opportunity to beat him to the pulp will use my family connections (it sounds really low to me BTW) to deny him this work opportunity and the next one et cetera... Will it be enough of a deterrent, consequences and drivers to change his ways ? I'm being theoretical here.

 

And now (thinking out loud) : can I find out if this his first affair?

 

Upd: apology if I'm spamming all of you with my obsession. I'll stop.

Whether you stop posting about it or not, your obsession with making the OM pay for what your wife did is not really rational. Especially since the OM is not a friend or your brother or whatever that would make it a double betrayal. It's just the guy she picked.

 

Men - especially single men - find it nearly impossible to turn down easy, no-strings sex. That's just a fact. And you have no idea what your WW told him about you and your marriage as in "my husband doesn't care" or "we're getting divorced anyway so it's doesn't matter" or any number of other lies. Or maybe he just wanted to boff her and figured that she was making a choice to cheat and he was just the guy she picked to screw. At any rate, it's a useless waste of time and precious energy to focus your anger on him. Your WW is 100% responsible for picking this guy to have sex with. As hard as it is to accept, your wife really did CHOOSE to cheat on you because she wanted sex with another man. That's it - period. Does it matter who it was with? If you choose to try to reconcile you can get into all the "why him" and that sort of thing but not now. It's a defense mechanism your mind is using to protect you from the real, hard, ugly truth. It's all on her - she knows this - but I'm sure she is happy with your focus on OM because it takes some pressure off of her.

[merrmeade]

Your WW is 100% responsible.

Where the buck stops. 100%.

[eric1]

I kind of agree. You went to his work, he weaseled out the back and you "won". He knows he's a piece of ****, people at work know he's a piece of **** and what else are you going to do?

 

Personally I would download one of those downloadable forms that teachers use (something like this) and what you present him with is your wife's name. Put it in a manila envelope and leave it for him at work.

 

I'm a complete douche though, and probably very wrong in this case. I strongly advise you not to listen to me.

[oldshirt]

Whether you stop posting about it or not, your obsession with making the OM pay for what your wife did is not really rational. Especially since the OM is not a friend or your brother or whatever that would make it a double betrayal. It's just the guy she picked.

 

Men - especially single men - find it nearly impossible to turn down easy, no-strings sex. That's just a fact. And you have no idea what your WW told him about you and your marriage as in "my husband doesn't care" or "we're getting divorced anyway so it's doesn't matter" or any number of other lies. Or maybe he just wanted to boff her and figured that she was making a choice to cheat and he was just the guy she picked to screw. At any rate, it's a useless waste of time and precious energy to focus your anger on him. Your WW is 100% responsible for picking this guy to have sex with. As hard as it is to accept, your wife really did CHOOSE to cheat on you because she wanted sex with another man. That's it - period. Does it matter who it was with? If you choose to try to reconcile you can get into all the "why him" and that sort of thing but not now. It's a defense mechanism your mind is using to protect you from the real, hard, ugly truth. It's all on her - she knows this - but I'm sure she is happy with your focus on OM because it takes some pressure off of her.

 

 

 

This ^^^^^

 

99% chance he was just after some quick and easy poon and now that you have showed up looking for him, he'll head for the hills.

 

99% of all OM will react exactly the same. It is only the very rare OM that is actually in love with the WW and will stand and fight.

 

In regards to his work place, employers are required to provide a safe work environment for their staff. Do not expect any more cooperation from them. You can be charged with a litany of offenses including trespassing, stalking, harassment and even terrorism if you continue to stalk him at his workplace.

 

Even prisons are obligated to protect their prisoners including murderers and child molesters etc. I'm suprised you weren't ordered off the premises with orders to not return. You likely won't be welcomed back.

[eric1]

Since I'm pretty sure that Zinger isn't checking here during the day I kind of think that I should stand up for him.

 

He knows 100% that his wife was or was extremely interested in having sex with this man, that she was likely the aggressor and that this man dominated her thoughts (I apologize for the trigger if I just gave you one, Zing).

 

But it's still the simple fact that another man felt the need to come into his backyard and steal his basketball. At some point guys just want to stand up for themselves call people out. Of course they guy was a scumball of the highest order, and Zinger's oblivious and horny wife participated in his "game" hook line and sinker. But it was HIS wife.

 

If I'm walking through the supermarket and an adult pushes my kid the smart thing would be to alert the authorities. Me? I'm likely going to kick the everlasting **** out of the guy.

 

At some point we all have a responsibility to each other to stop this crap. Zinger scares this guy enough and maybe he's not flirting back with the next horny housewife on the prowl. Granted there will always be another guy, but it feels good to take one out of the pool, so to say.

 

I'm not defending the process, but what I'm getting at is it's not a black and white thing. It's therapeutic in it's way and it gets Zingers mind off of his reality a bit. Trust me, he knows the real deal and the real villian here. He's basically pushing through a divorce ASAP SpaceGhost007 style. His actions against his wife's boyfriend within the context of that is perfectly fine IMHO.

[No Limit]

He needs consequences of his own making, not ones imposed by a vindictive husband.

 

A vindictive husband is the consequence of OM's making.

[66Charger]

Since I'm pretty sure that Zinger isn't checking here during the day I kind of think that I should stand up for him.

 

He knows 100% that his wife was or was extremely interested in having sex with this man, that she was likely the aggressor and that this man dominated her thoughts (I apologize for the trigger if I just gave you one, Zing).

 

Is this 100% fact? Did I miss this post? I am not saying she is being truthful, but that is a far reaching statement. And I dont usually defend cheaters.

[oldshirt]

Since I'm pretty sure that Zinger isn't checking here during the day I kind of think that I should stand up for him.

 

He knows 100% that his wife was or was extremely interested in having sex with this man, that she was likely the aggressor and that this man dominated her thoughts (I apologize for the trigger if I just gave you one, Zing).

 

Is this 100% fact? Did I miss this post? I am not saying she is being truthful, but that is a far reaching statement. And I dont usually defend cheaters.

 

Sometimes you just have to say it like it is even if there is no sworn confession.

 

Given all that has occurred and all that has been witnessed, it's a safe assumption her intentions with the OM wasn't to work on her golf swing.

[eric1]

Paraphrasing my therapist "she wasn't going through all this trouble because she didn't want to have sex with him"

[oldshirt]

Paraphrasing my therapist "she wasn't going through all this trouble because she didn't want to have sex with him"

 

Yup.

 

 

And also keep in mind no man is going to through ANY trouble without sex on his mind.

[drifter777]

Since I'm pretty sure that Zinger isn't checking here during the day I kind of think that I should stand up for him.

 

He knows 100% that his wife was or was extremely interested in having sex with this man, that she was likely the aggressor and that this man dominated her thoughts (I apologize for the trigger if I just gave you one, Zing).

 

But it's still the simple fact that another man felt the need to come into his backyard and steal his basketball. At some point guys just want to stand up for themselves call people out. Of course they guy was a scumball of the highest order, and Zinger's oblivious and horny wife participated in his "game" hook line and sinker. But it was HIS wife.

 

If I'm walking through the supermarket and an adult pushes my kid the smart thing would be to alert the authorities. Me? I'm likely going to kick the everlasting **** out of the guy.

 

At some point we all have a responsibility to each other to stop this crap. Zinger scares this guy enough and maybe he's not flirting back with the next horny housewife on the prowl. Granted there will always be another guy, but it feels good to take one out of the pool, so to say.

 

I'm not defending the process, but what I'm getting at is it's not a black and white thing. It's therapeutic in it's way and it gets Zingers mind off of his reality a bit. Trust me, he knows the real deal and the real villian here. He's basically pushing through a divorce ASAP SpaceGhost007 style. His actions against his wife's boyfriend within the context of that is perfectly fine IMHO.

But I don't think the distraction is theraputic at all. Its denial and its avoidance. The issue is NOT the OM and any focus on that is not helpful.

 

Zinger - are you conflict avoidant with your wife? I am very alpha but I hate conflict at home and avoid it if I can. Its a bad strategy because avoiding issues usually makes them worse and they never go away on their own. Yet because of my childhood I will go a long way to keep peace in the family. Amy of this sound like you?

[sandylee1]

Zinger

 

While I agree your wife was fully responsible messing with another man's wife is not a good move . I think even though he slipped out of the backdoor, you've put the fear of God in him and if he's got any sense , he won't do it again .

 

So I guess my point is - you really don't need to go back to OMs place of work, he gets it . He was scared of you.

[merrmeade]

zinger? How are you doing?

 

Hope you're taking care of yourself. Also hope you know that there are no expectations here. Well, for me at least. And last, hope you decided to try IC. This is a new phase. Maybe you and wife are talking, maybe not. Either way, you will need a sounding board and guidance more than once.