To bust or not to bust

[TobyBoy]

Where are you on the polygraph?

 

My wife took one willingly.....and passed!!! This after a 10 month EA.

[zinger]

Where are you on the polygraph?

 

My wife took one willingly.....and passed!!! This after a 10 month EA.

 

I think I've mentioned it before. It had been rescheduled for later on advice from the surveillance guy and poly consultant. Basically in her state there would be no results at all.

 

She was ok to take it, hasn't attempted to influence me to drop out since but this may change I guess any time because next week she'll have to cosign the divorce petition.

[zinger]

What did your wife have to say for herself about this?

 

Nothing that would make sense to me. Usual stuff.

[SpokenFor]

Does she know your plans -- that is, that next week she'll sign the divorce petition, week after she'll take the poly ? Has she offered up anything, coherent or otherwise, to address your questions ?

 

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I was one and done once I knew of the EA without proof of the PA, never actually found out, and it was the right call. I'd still like to know, and hope you get more certainty than I had about things.

[Buckeye2]

Please don't think I'm showing off here, but if you (e.g. FWW) work flexible hours, have a chance to fly with your husband you claim to love to the place you love with all bells and whistles and perks one could imagine (seriously, please understand the context ) , why would you choose to stay home alone, if you are not sick or have something urgent to do (not the case here)?

 

Did your wife admit that she gave up a "vacation" with you to be with the OM?

[zinger]

Does she know your plans -- that is, that next week she'll sign the divorce petition, week after she'll take the poly ? Has she offered up anything, coherent or otherwise, to address your questions ?

 

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I was one and done once I knew of the EA without proof of the PA, never actually found out, and it was the right call. I'd still like to know, and hope you get more certainty than I had about things.

 

Yes she knows about the petition and other paperwork and then a poly. Of course as 81West and other have been suggesting I expect her to refuse poly and any other form of cooperation now as reality of imminent divorce is sinking in.

 

It hasn't happen so far but an amount of pressure I'm getting from all sides defending her is hard to withstand. I'm simply not posting about this in my thread but its massive and increasing. Yes, the only thing I still hope for is certainty, the rest is sealed.

[Friskyone4u]

Zinger

 

You should be telling anyone defending her that unless they have walked in your shoes heir opinion is of no value to you at all.

 

She is counting on you to cave to this pressure and basically give her a free pass on what she did. I hope you don't buy it

[zinger]

Did your wife admit that she gave up a "vacation" with you to be with the OM?

 

Yes and no. Yes she admitted that she didn't want to go (probably for the first time, e.g. not that she was always able to go, but she always preferred to).

 

No, she said not to be with OM but because she was starting to see how wrong it was, that I'm starting to react (as you can probably see from initial posts) and she didn't feel it was right to go, wanted to use the time alone to end things with the artist, etc etc.

 

All the stuff one would expect. I can post the dialogue and or more details but than I expect a lot of posts telling be is a bull and that is what I think actually.

[zinger]

Zinger

 

You should be telling anyone defending her that unless they have walked in your shoes heir opinion is of no value to you at all.

 

She is counting on you to cave to this pressure and basically give her a free pass on what she did. I hope you don't buy it

 

Not buying it. The pressure is not much about a free pass but "let's get over with this drama and get our lives back to normal, your can sort it out without divorcing her".

My issue is that I'm struggling to find an option which would be less than divorcing but won't be a free pass (which for me is unacceptable).

[TobyBoy]

Maybe I missed it, how old is your WW and OM?

[lgspot]

Yes and no. Yes she admitted that she didn't want to go (probably for the first time, e.g. not that she was always able to go, but she always preferred to).

 

No, she said not to be with OM but because she was starting to see how wrong it was, that I'm starting to react (as you can probably see from initial posts) and she didn't feel it was right to go, wanted to use the time alone to end things with the artist, etc etc.

 

All the stuff one would expect. I can post the dialogue and or more details but than I expect a lot of posts telling be is a bull and that is what I think actually.

I would like to see the dialogue.

I am intrigued by your story and not judging you, or her for that matter.

I'm trying to figure out where her head was and motive beyond the cheating.

Hang in there zinger

[Friskyone4u]

Zinger

 

"Getting over it and back to normal" is a free pass given that she has sonewalled you. That statement would not be so idiotic if she was begging to take a polygraph or do anything other than clam up and stoically accept what is going to happen.

 

What is truly astonding is that if there is any way that fonally knocks a WW out of the so called affair fog it usually is divorce papers. Your wife is taking it in stride rather than fighting by begging to do anything to convince you.

 

And anyone also telling you to just get back to normal needs their heads exaimined. JUst making that statement shows that whoever makes it has no cluer that you do not "just get back to normal" after catching you wife red handed cheating.

[SpokenFor]

Glad you are getting the poly, should hopefully give you more clarity. Not sure what lies between a divorce and a free pass, but if there is anything it could only be properly judged with much more complete information.

 

Things worked out well in that she will be signing papers before the poly -- reduces the "free pass" option and makes that clear.

[zinger]

Don't get me wrong, the begging and "I'll do anything" is there in numbers I've never previously seen, heard or even red about (referring to WW posts I've checked). It is far from passive acceptance (hence family called to arms I guess).

 

Quoting anther poster I'm not seeing anything but the divorce, which would allow me to say "I didn't give it an free pass" or using local terminology not a doormat.

 

Is there anything she could offer on top of begging she should do it now as it will be late soon.

Any pro reconciliation person reading this is more than welcome to come up with ideas, but unless a miracle harkens its over.

 

 

Zinger

 

"Getting over it and back to normal" is a free pass given that she has sonewalled you. That statement would not be so idiotic if she was begging to take a polygraph or do anything other than clam up and stoically accept what is going to happen.

 

What is truly astonding is that if there is any way that fonally knocks a WW out of the so called affair fog it usually is divorce papers. Your wife is taking it in stride rather than fighting by begging to do anything to convince you.

 

And anyone also telling you to just get back to normal needs their heads exaimined. JUst making that statement shows that whoever makes it has no cluer that you do not "just get back to normal" after catching you wife red handed cheating.

[66Charger]

There is another option.

 

That option is to leave. If the position is available, expedite the paperwork. Come to America. Next week, without her. Don't talk about it with her, just let her know and go. A few things will happen. First, you will be incredibly busy. Your business brain will kick into overdrive and this will have to be backburnered. All the noise from the family will cease. Any influence that she may have will be greatly diminished. You will be able to breathe. Once you have settled, then decide. If you dont want her here, fly back, get it done, then return. What she does while your gone is on her. When she wakes up everyday, You will not be there. You will be starting a new life that she is not part of. That's as close to a divorce without divorcing.

 

Does this leave a open wound? Yes, but so what. You both will see how life is without the other. You will either miss her terribly or you will not. As for her, she will have to suffer your patience, or she will go back to the OM.

 

You may think this is a stupid idea, and it may be. But it is a option that removes her from your life, temporary or permanently without the immediate drama

[SpokenFor]

66C's suggestion, or some variation where you start the proceedings and document an agreement, but then place it in abeyance. That way you don't have to decide now. I like the idea of you getting space to breathe and think.

 

Clearly your old marriage is over, legalities do not change that fact. She will soon come to realize this as you have already done. That doesn't exclude a new marriage to her if you (and she) so choose, either sooner or later.

 

I still think the timing of this works well for you: she will be brought to face the reality of the old marriage ending by signing the petition, and understand that the only way to hope for a new marriage is for honesty before and during the poly.

[merrmeade]

As usual with this thread, I again have more questions than understanding. I'm glad most responders are so clear, but that's all I see. People reading zinger's mind and zinger saying they're right (so they must be right).

 

So she's begging and lots of family and others on the side of getting back the status quo are pressuring you to be nice and forgive.

 

You're put off by most things she says to you. That's what you say here though you did say you're looking for an "option which would be less than divorcing but won't be a free pass" while going ahead with the divorce.

 

So here's what I guess I'd like to know:

• Where is she living? (at home I think you said) What is she doing? How is she generally?
  
• Where are you living? What are you doing?
  
• How often are you together? How often do you talk?
  
• Is anyone going to IC? MC?
  
• When she begs, etc., what do you say? How does the discussion proceed? End?
  
• Do you ask her questions? Do you talk about your feelings?
  Do you share the things you're saying to us with her?

[drifter777]

No kids?? My God - how did I miss that?

 

zinger: you said you didn't want to discuss the "no kids" thing a few pages back but, since this will be my last contribution to your thread, I'm going to discuss it anyway.

 

Why in God's name are you putting yourself through any of this crap when you don't have children? It's not rational - all of this pain & anger & shame and for what? Saving a marriage with a woman who is not the mother of your children? You can't be serious! Tell your lawyer to finish up the legal crap and get yourself that new job in the State's. Time to stop punishing yourself.

 

10 characters

[eric1]

Don't get me wrong, the begging and "I'll do anything" is there in numbers I've never previously seen, heard or even red about (referring to WW posts I've checked). It is far from passive acceptance (hence family called to arms I guess).

 

Quoting anther poster I'm not seeing anything but the divorce, which would allow me to say "I didn't give it an free pass" or using local terminology not a doormat.

 

Is there anything she could offer on top of begging she should do it now as it will be late soon.

Any pro reconciliation person reading this is more than welcome to come up with ideas, but unless a miracle harkens its over.

 

If she needs a list of 'anythings' that she can do then if be happy to help you with one. However given you know she's been on these sites she already knows what is on reasonable lists and has been unwilling to provide them. I know I'm preaching to the choir but most of the hard info was pulled by you through astute snooping.

[eric1]

As usual with this thread, I again have more questions than understanding. I'm glad most responders are so clear, but that's all I see. People reading zinger's mind and zinger saying they're right (so they must be right).

 

So she's begging and lots of family and others on the side of getting back the status quo are pressuring you to be nice and forgive.

 

You're put off by most things she says to you. That's what you say here though you did say you're looking for an "option which would be less than divorcing but won't be a free pass" while going ahead with the divorce.

 

So here's what I guess I'd like to know:

• Where is she living? (at home I think you said) What is she doing? How is she generally?
  
• Where are you living? What are you doing?
  
• How often are you together? How often do you talk?
  
• Is anyone going to IC? MC?
  
• When she begs, etc., what do you say? How does the discussion proceed? End?
  
• Do you ask her questions? Do you talk about your feelings?
  Do you share the things you're saying to us with her?

 

He answered (most of) this a few pages ago. They're living together but in separate rooms. He doesn't initiate conversation any longer.

[zinger]

What does "ten characters" mean?

 

Thanks

[eric1]

Yes and no. Yes she admitted that she didn't want to go (probably for the first time, e.g. not that she was always able to go, but she always preferred to).

 

No, she said not to be with OM but because she was starting to see how wrong it was, that I'm starting to react (as you can probably see from initial posts) and she didn't feel it was right to go, wanted to use the time alone to end things with the artist, etc etc.

 

All the stuff one would expect. I can post the dialogue and or more details but than I expect a lot of posts telling be is a bull and that is what I think actually.

 

 

She keeps begging that she'll do anything yet stuff is still coming out, and the stuff coming out is just rug sweeping bull.

 

She's been to these infidelity sites. After unconditional transparency and No Contact, an accurate & detailed timeline along with forensic information (texts, emails, etc) is the bare minimum to even start reconciliation.

 

Next time she says "let's just go back to normal" you should say something along the lines of "go back to normal? So you want to go back to cheating on me and for me to be ignorant about all of it?".

 

The old normal doesn't exist anymore. She destroyed it.

[Friskyone4u]

Eric has it right Zinger. Instead of providing you with all the communication she hid it or deleted it. She has lied repeatedly and has told you virtually nothing that you could not prove. And she wants to reconcile?? JUst more selfishness and entitlement mentality. If you had not hired the PI you might still be clueless and she would certainly still be at it.

 

If she has been reading these websites, then she knows exactly what she is doing is total rugsweeping and gaslighting. And she is still counting on her friends and relatives and yours to urge you to be stupid, which you are not, and let her have her previous life back like nothing ever happened.

 

She is obviously not reading what WW who truly are remorseful do to try to save their marriage so she is a slow learner for sure. It's called TOTAL truth with no holding back TT. Her course is obviously to wear you donw and hope sentamentality makes you foggy.

 

Don't buy it. She is sorry she got caught. That is it and the tears mean nothing.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Yeah, no way in hell a designer watch was a parting gift.

 

 

It was a symbol of love and commitment.

 

 

OM was the one that fled the scene and broke it off.

I agree. And there's no accounting for taste. A Tag Heur is so vulgar.

[sandylee1]

You know, these are exactly the questions that pop up in my head each day and night. In addition to "was it worth it", "what were you thinking" and "did you realise how much are you putting at risk", the list goes on. "You" means my FWW, not you personally of course. Having accepted everything else, the irrationality of all of this is haunting me. In a way of feel better if she would just say one day "sorry, I love the other guy". The outcome would be the same, but it'd at least make sense to me.

 

Not knowing your circumstances I don't know if/why these questions are relevant to you, but you are spot on as usual.

 

Luckily, I've not been a BW, but sometimes in my full time job and more so where I volunteer with families affected by infidelity, this question comes up time and time again.

 

Why risk it all?

 

Unfortunately , that is not at the forefront of people's mind when they cheat, as they think they'll never get caught. It's only when it's too late, they wonder, 'what the hell was I thinking'.

 

It's a total failure to envisage the consequences of their actions and I know that in life we'd all do certain things that aren't right, if there was no repercussions.

 

I often say to some of the unfaithful spouses, if you knew your affair would cause :

 

You to loose the respect of your children

Your in laws dislike you (even despise and hate you)

You to loose the respect of colleagues /friends

Your husband/wife to loose so much weight

Your husband/wife to be prescribed anti depressants

Your husband/wife to become a paranoid wreck, putting a GPS tracker on you

Your husband /wife to ask for selfies with real time to prove where you are

Your husband to loose his high flying job because he couldn't function

Your husband /wife to not allow you to see them naked because they feel undesirable

Your kids to have to see the school counsellor

Your kids to self harm

Your wife to have a miscarriage

You to be put on a weekly spending allowance and have to provide receipts of money spent (to ensure no burner phone was bought, no spending on the AP)

 

............would you have signed up for this affair.

 

The answer is ALWAYS a resounding NO - With a look of horror, as I say all of those things and more have happened to various different couples and families on discovery of an affair.

 

The thought that they caused this.

 

I remember one FWH who was very remorseful said his FIL told him " If I knew when I was walking my daughter down the aisle , that you would break her heart like this and turn her into a shadow of her self, I would have dragged her out of that church as far away from you as I could to protect her from what you've put her through "

 

He said this got to him more than anything else and he will never forget the hurt/ /disappointed look on his FILs face.

 

He said he would never ever be unfaithful to another woman as long as he lived.