To bust or not to bust

[turnera]

Just divorce. Separate finances.

 

IF she still wants to date you, go ahead and date and if it ever progresses farther than that, simply refuse unless she signs a prenup agreement stating she walks away with NOTHING if she cheats again.

 

But I doubt she'll want him once he divorces her. She just doesn't want the shame of being divorced for infidelity.

[Friskyone4u]

But I doubt she'll want him once he divorces her. She just doesn't want the shame of being divorced for infidelity.

 

Exactly right. if she keeps stonewalling she can keep telling all her friends and relatives how unreasonable Zinger was for divorcing her over a watch and a little EA. But if the real truth comes out now, all her stonewalling makes her look even worse.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Zinger

 

You should be telling anyone defending her that unless they have walked in your shoes heir opinion is of no value to you at all.

 

She is counting on you to cave to this pressure and basically give her a free pass on what she did. I hope you don't buy it

I wouldn't even say that. Say, look, her actions tell me she'd rather be with this guy, so I say go for it. I don't want to stand in her way.

[m.snow]

This

 

I have recovered some of the marriage infidelity sites she was browsing (interestingly enough one had been referred to in this thread earlier). I think I may have developed some plausible answers to my burning questions.

 

If she visited infidelity site's, Is she still visiting and is she posting? If there was someway to convince her to post about her affair.

are you still monitoring her computers?

this maybe the fastest way to know about the depth of her affair.

[merrmeade]

So I was trying to separate facts from feelings here but finally put my head on straight and decided that it's just fine if it IS only about feelings. To explain...

 

I went through all of zinger’s posts and, as far as ‘what’s actually happened’ is concerned, nothing much has changed: still the same limited objective evidence (cheek touching, hand touching, gifts, phone calls) and 71 pages of conjecture.

 

In spite of this, zinger is still needing the “truth” of a PA but going ahead with the D. For a while, I couldn’t tell if it was because of influence from here or whether it’s really and truly what he wants, but decided it’s one and the same thing. It’s right for him. And as far as what’s conjecture, hey, it’s probably got enough truth to it that he can never see her the same again.

 

I also finally realized—actually remembered personal experience and reading—that living through trickle-truth is HELL ON EARTH and have no reason whatsoever to wish that on anyone.

 

So standing back and thinking about zinger’s particular frame of mind and long-term future, I want to go on record as saying that, being confident and clear about what he wants is good and probably bodes well for zinger. Also, he was hit very hard, and this is the time post-affair that he needs to focus on himself.

 

The fact that we don’t know what she’s actually saying besides “the usual stuff” and they’re not talking is fine. He doesn’t have to defend himself. If he doesn’t need more proof, neither do I (because lordknows he probably won’t get it).

 

Early posts, poignant for various reasons. I'm not saying, zinger, you need to put great stock in what you said on the first 10 pages because you've changed a lot. It's just kind of interesting in hindsight.

Foreshadowing:

#36 - So I'll just remind her of that conversation and reiterate that if she is hypothetically she is caught being unfaithful - we will be done

Wistful:

#44 - I'll write it here so I can come back and revisit:

I don't want to catch her (and end the good marriage we have/had)

I don't want to save my marriage by playing Kerberos

I want her to save or marriage by either proving to me I was jealous and insecure fool or by stopping once and forever until it is too late

.

Several final finals:

#226 - I have no more evidence than what I've disclosed here.

So

the 1st question is to find out what is the relationship and does it constitute infidelity.

If it does then I need to know how far did it go …

I'll be ready to confront the moment she lies and I have proof of it

.

#233 – (27 may) I set a deadline for myself till the end of the week.

#490 – (5th June) Going home to sit down with FWW and have (hopefully the final) talk.

[merrmeade]

Also, this contrast between ww's behavior in the beginning and the end (as zinger saw it) which was actually just a few days apart was chilling - and convincing (that she deserves whatever she gets):

 

(#52) She didn't flinch. I do not believe she is capable of being such a good actress; she took it with humour ala "oh, classic situation, husband goes on a business trip... Do you expect to find the gardener under our bed when you return"? She couldn't be that calm of she was hiding something sinister I assume. Yet …

 

(#1039) begging and "I'll do anything" is there in numbers I've never previously seen, heard or even red about (referring to WW posts I've checked). It is far from passive acceptance …

[merrmeade]

also zinger, I wasn't implying anything one way or the other about the "final finals" and should have commented. Many have done the same including myself. Ultimatums generally get more trickle truth; then, later, there will be another ultimatum. Or else they really and freely convey everythibng. Don't hold your breath.

[SpokenFor]

Hello Zinger,

 

I hope things are going well for you. If you are trying to get your wife to sign the divorce agreement then this could be your most stressful week yet. If it helps to post here please do, but you certainly don't need to worry about updating your friends on this site until you want to do so.

 

Please take care of yourself and let the stress go as soon as you can -- if a fresh start in the US or elsewhere beckons, hope that can be a help.

[sandylee1]

Zinger

 

You should be telling anyone defending her that unless they have walked in your shoes heir opinion is of no value to you at all.

 

She is counting on you to cave to this pressure and basically give her a free pass on what she did. I hope you don't buy it

 

The thing is , even if they've walked in his shoes , they not him. They may choose to reconcile , but Zinger is his own man and doesn't have to.

[eric1]

Is everything OK Zinger?

[zinger]

Is everything OK Zinger?

 

Define OK

 

Divorce application signed and submitted. That's a milestone but I wish no-one to be in my shoes these days.

[lgspot]

Define OK

 

Divorce application signed and submitted. That's a milestone but I wish no-one to be in my shoes these days.

 

Sorry things aren't better for you?

What else is going on?

Is she treating you ok?

Hang in there.

[sandylee1]

Define OK

 

Divorce application signed and submitted. That's a milestone but I wish no-one to be in my shoes these days.

 

It takes time , but you'll get there in the end. Try and do things to distract yourself from thinking about it. I know it's your reality right now and will always be, but there is life after divorce. I know infidelity makes it so much harder, but when you know that your conscience is clear, you can walk with your head held high.

 

Remember to keep well nourished and get yourself out of the house in the evenings .

[eric1]

Define OK

 

Divorce application signed and submitted. That's a milestone but I wish no-one to be in my shoes these days.

 

Is the biggest demon you are fighting inside of you or is it the situation that you find yourself?

[zinger]

Thanks Sandylee, really appreciated. Honestly I never thought my marriage would end like this, but equally the thought that they're will be no live for me after the divorce had never cruised my mind. Again, I'm definitely not saying I don't appreciate you post.

 

You are right, I have seen better evenings and weekends.

 

 

It takes time , but you'll get there in the end. Try and do things to distract yourself from thinking about it. I know it's your reality right now and will always be, but there is life after divorce. I know infidelity makes it so much harder, but when you know that your conscience is clear, you can walk with your head held high.

 

Remember to keep well nourished and get yourself out of the house in the evenings .

[zinger]

Is the biggest demon you are fighting inside of you or is it the situation that you find yourself?

 

I'm not sure how to answer your question. There is no 'demon' as far as I can tell, but I miss a person who was my "better half"' for 15+ years a lot, relatives behave like I stuck some hot chili peppers up their rear ends , I still don't know all the truth and on top of this my home stopped begging the obe and only place where I can relax.

[zinger]

Is she treating you ok?

 

Thanks. I guess with some help from good prior here I realised that my concept of being treated ok by her does not involve romantic relationship with other man

[Friskyone4u]

Zinger

You are right. She did not treat you well to say the least. Not only did She get involved with another man , but has refused to do anything but lie to you and refuse to tell you the truth .

Stick to your guns . You can do better !!!

 

And try to stop worrying about her relatives and what they think of any one else. They are not the ones who caught her with another man, and they are not the ones who were deceived for who knows how long

[aliveagain]

If she really wanted to save the marriage she would. Putting pressure on you via third parties is the worst way to do it as all that does is take pressure off her to give you the truth, a truth she already knows is a deal breaker. So ending it because she isn't giving you the truth will give you the same result as ending it because of the truth in her fu*ked up mind. Remember, she's the one with a boyfriend, she's the one that is lying to her spouse, you wouldn't be in this situation if she hadn't become a lying dishonest cheater. Those are very bad qualities for a wife.

[eric1]

I'm not sure how to answer your question. There is no 'demon' as far as I can tell, but I miss a person who was my "better half"' for 15+ years a lot, relatives behave like I stuck some hot chili peppers up their rear ends , I still don't know all the truth and on top of this my home stopped begging the obe and only place where I can relax.

 

All I can tell you is that this is normal. Very normal. It doesn't make it less crappie, but lesser men than you have travelled identical paths and done MUCH worse than you are doing. I include myself in that group

 

It gets much better. If you're not fighting for stuff in a divorce then I'd suggesting moving out (after clearing it with your lawyer).

[SpokenFor]

Well I hope that the pressure eases a bit with the document done. It sounds like she was willing to sign but very upset and still using family to try to avoid this step. I am sure that was tough as you still have feelings for her while you do what is right for you to dissolve the old marriage.

 

Do you have any sense that she understands this; that any marriage you have now would have to be a new marriage based on moving forward with truth and deciding it was worth it to be part of one another's life in the future? Hopefully she can gain a forward-looking perspective that does not include avoiding the truth any longer, and hopefully she goes through with the polygraph.

 

If you feel like sharing, what was her attitude before and after signing, and do you see any signs she wants to actually do things to be married to you again?

 

You have done a great job through all the process in staying true to yourself and I wish you the best.

[Friskyone4u]

Spoken For asks good questions but it seems your wife has answered them.

 

She has had numerous opportunities to make some attempt other than to deceive and clam up and has not taken any of them. Either she or whoever is advising her has convinced her that if she revealed all the truth that she would have no chance and that the best course of action would be to be passive and hope that the pressure on Zineger would cause him not to follow through.

 

Her reaction at the document signing really means nothing. it was her reactions since that day she was caught at the Mall that made the document signing inevitable and not reversable. She had her chances.

[zinger]

 

It gets much better. If you're not fighting for stuff in a divorce then I'd suggesting moving out (after clearing it with your lawyer).

 

Not fighting for anything material (for now at least). Logically I agree, it's best to move out, in reality - I built this house from scratch, everything is custom designed, from the architecture to the climate control. Plus of course all the memories.

 

When I mentioned I'm moving out, she offered to move out herself to live with parents. Apparently it didn't work out, she's still here. I'm not kicking get out either.

[eric1]

Not fighting for anything material (for now at least). Logically I agree, it's best to move out, in reality - I built this house from scratch, everything is custom designed, from the architecture to the climate control. Plus of course all the memories.

 

When I mentioned I'm moving out, she offered to move out herself to live with parents. Apparently it didn't work out, she's still here. I'm not kicking get out either.

 

I can just speak from my own experience but after separating physically from my wife my mind just...settled. I was still emotionally the same (a mess) but the only way I can describe it is I felt that I had a nest of bees flying around in there. It was a distinct and important step which was incredibly difficult to do.

 

One of you is eventually going to have to move out. By not doing so you run the risk of falling into a pattern. Of course you may be excuse making, which isn't a bad thing. It's important to continually assess what you want.

[Friskyone4u]

Zinger,

 

This house is a home YOU built with money YOU earned that you wife lived in when she was a faithful and safe partner. She chose to throw that all away for some cheap thrills, and has stoically sat there and let you squirm trying to get some answers. Why on earth would you ever consider leaving your home????

 

You have I think no kids involved here, you have financial resourcves, and I am curious why your divorce settlement did not include a timetable for her to leave the home or buy you out which she cannt do. No, you cannot throw her out but it should be perfectly clear to her that she is NOT going to cheat on you, stonewall you, let you divorce her , and then take over your home.

 

I hope that is not the scenerio that you are going to let play out here. And Eric is right. This whole episode is going to be a lot better for you if you are not living under the same roof. Once you are divorced quite frankly, she can call up her boyfirend and go on dates with him and wave good bye to you on her way out the door. Is that what you want to happen??? Well, do not run away. It is YOUR home, not hers.