Author zinger Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Very upset, yes. She effectively had no choice - if she didn't sign, I'd simply instruct my lawyer to go with the divorce via court, so there will be no gain to anyone. But obviously she sees this as a catastrophe and without exaggeration end of live. Sharing is not an issue, rather my inability to spell it out clearly (will be "dissected" again). Sufficient to say that she's doing everything I can read about or imagine, the effort is clearly there.. Problem is that it looks to me like I'm not interested anymore. Which makes me feel like an ass. Actually, if she'd be posting in that other forum and I was a side observer, I'd think the same (he is an ass). But it is what it is. And yes, poly is within days, she didn't ask me to cancel. Well I hope that the pressure eases a bit with the document done. It sounds like she was willing to sign but very upset and still using family to try to avoid this step. I am sure that was tough as you still have feelings for her while you do what is right for you to dissolve the old marriage. Do you have any sense that she understands this; that any marriage you have now would have to be a new marriage based on moving forward with truth and deciding it was worth it to be part of one another's life in the future? Hopefully she can gain a forward-looking perspective that does not include avoiding the truth any longer, and hopefully she goes through with the polygraph. If you feel like sharing, what was her attitude before and after signing, and do you see any signs she wants to actually do things to be married to you again? You have done a great job through all the process in staying true to yourself and I wish you the best. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 I can just speak from my own experience but after separating physically from my wife my mind just...settled. I was still emotionally the same (a mess) but the only way I can describe it is I felt that I had a nest of bees flying around in there. It was a distinct and important step which was incredibly difficult to do. One of you is eventually going to have to move out. By not doing so you run the risk of falling into a pattern. Of course you may be excuse making, which isn't a bad thing. It's important to continually assess what you want. You have the experience and years ahead of me here, so not disagreeing. Need to finish some unfinished business and I'll move out, hopefully to US (the gig seem to be going ahead, the person hired back then got disliked by the board, so I'm next in line for replacement). Well be out and about before the Autumn. Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Very upset, yes. She effectively had no choice - if she didn't sign, I'd simply instruct my lawyer to go with the divorce via court, so there will be no gain to anyone. But obviously she sees this as a catastrophe and without exaggeration end of live. Sharing is not an issue, rather my inability to spell it out clearly (will be "dissected" again). Sufficient to say that she's doing everything I can read about or imagine, the effort is clearly there.. Problem is that it looks to me like I'm not interested anymore. Which makes me feel like an ass. Actually, if she'd be posting in that other forum and I was a side observer, I'd think the same (he is an ass). But it is what it is. And yes, poly is within days, she didn't ask me to cancel. Comparing you to me again that's how I was on the second go around...one of the reasons why I do mention you're ahead of the game by my measure. When she betrayed again I just f-ing shut down. Comlartmentalized or whatever it is called, but it almost didn't bother me. The pain was awful when I thought about it, but at the same time looking back I'm shocked at how quickly I mentally moved on. Maybe I'm a sociopath? I dunno. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpokenFor Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 No hyper-parsing of your posts from me, I promise! I think it's encouraging that she is on track for the poly, and that's she's trying to do things to recover a relationship with you. I would hope that would include being open and painfully honest about what happened with her artist-toy. Do you think she understands that if you were ever able to forgive and re-start a relationship, you would only do it with complete knowledge of what she did? If so, not clear why she would wait until the poly for that. In any event I will keep my fingers crossed she goes through with the poly and you get more information. Hope you can spend some time contemplating the enormous, positive range of future goals and pathways that you have earned in your life. Hey, if your opportunities in the US lead you out to the Bay Area, drop me a line! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 What you're describing is the stuff that should be discussed in therapy, so you can both be completely honest and go from there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 No hyper-parsing of your posts from me, I promise! What do you mean by hyper-parsing? Why would it be a bad thing? Link to post Share on other sites
SpokenFor Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Trying to discern the shades of meaning of every event in every phrase of a posting from someone who is in pain and who does not have the time to review and polish and hone each and every word is excessive and what I'd call hyper-parsing. For instance, I believe Zinger has been consistent in saying that there is no chance for reconciliation/re-marriage/whatever future relationship with his current wife unless he knows the absolute truth about what happened. I am not going to try to find interpretations of his statements to either counter that or suggest that he knows more than he thinks because I trust that his statements over time are as a whole consistent. That's all! Best wishes to all and as always I am very impressed with how much everyone here wants to be of help to people in pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Soo Zinger, got OM's head on a pike yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 You have I think no kids involved here, you have financial resourcves, and I am curious why your divorce settlement did not include a timetable for her to leave the home or buy you out which she cannt do.the door. The only schedule the legal paperwork has is related to allocation of assets. I have not asked explicitly but I believe I'll have to take it legally to a whole new level of I want to kick your out legally. I don't want to re-read my own posts by I'm 95% sure I mentioned that I offered her to keep the home (u love it but sometimes I also feel walls are chocking me), she had been refusing it ever since. Eric is right I need a change of scenery. In fact she doesn't want to take nosy of the stuff that I put in the agreement, claiming she does not deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 I think/assume/hope she does. I haven't recover anything proving the physical aspect either. Bay means California? Unlikely, bit this would be on my list of places to visit. I visited US couple of times, but not California. No hyper-parsing of your posts from me, I promise! I think it's encouraging that she is on track for the poly, and that's she's trying to do things to recover a relationship with you. I would hope that would include being open and painfully honest about what happened with her artist-toy. Do you think she understands that if you were ever able to forgive and re-start a relationship, you would only do it with complete knowledge of what she did? If so, not clear why she would wait until the poly for that. In any event I will keep my fingers crossed she goes through with the poly and you get more information. Hope you can spend some time contemplating the enormous, positive range of future goals and pathways that you have earned in your life. Hey, if your opportunities in the US lead you out to the Bay Area, drop me a line! Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 What you're describing is the stuff that should be discussed in therapy, so you can both be completely honest and go from there. Thanks, but are you suggesting some sort of therapy where we attend together (like family counseling) or that I'm dishonest with her? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 Thanks, but are you suggesting some sort of therapy where we attend together (like family counseling) or that I'm dishonest with her?Yes, I'm suggesting going together for at least a couple sessions so you can make it plain what your intentions are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 What do you mean by hyper-parsing? Why would it be a bad thing? Was not saying it was a hat thing at all. Everyone is welcome from my PoV wth their opinions. It is just my inability to express this personal stuff in a cohesive way leads to all sorts of feedback - starting from dissection of my attitude and state of mind since the first post (so I did read back and got a "holy ..., this is me" moment) to suggestions I'm a troll. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Yes, I'm suggesting going together for at least a couple sessions so you can make it plain what your intentions are. Thanks, I'm consider that (perhaps second time could be a charm). Not to the first counselor, that's for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 12, 2015 Author Share Posted July 12, 2015 Soo Zinger, got OM's head on a pike yet? Not to a degree that would allow me to nail his had above my fireplace unfortunately. He is not working in that signage place anymore, he changed the lease and his cell goes straight to "out of reception out not available"' message. I keep him my eyesight, however having any sort of legal trouble applying for an overseas job is not the best thing, so for now my options are limited. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 The more I think about it the more I think you just need a change of scenery. The reason for your angst is that she is topically doing the right things but still hasn't come clean. There is a battle being fought somewhere inside of you right now and no counseling or talking to us schmucks will help you on this part. The problem is that you're fighting a battle with every outcome being ****ty. I think that moving out will push you towards that outcome. You need to take a deep breath dude 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 So what happens if she passes the poly to your satisfaction? Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 He's said this before a few times. If she passes he gets some closure-needing and an amiable divorce. If she fails then he salts the earth with their marriage and burns all of her pictures Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I don't think we have to worry about her passing the poly. This thread has gone on for what 70 pages or more and I'd bet 90% of those that have followed wold put cash money on her failing it miserably. Now there were some who initially thought Zinger was being too paranoid even suspecting, but the majority of us suspected that she was up to no good. If she passes that polygraph the most suprised person is going to be Zinger. He has evidence from the PI and his catching her this as no innocent motherly infatuation. I guess everyone willl know soon if she actually show up and goes through with it. That still remains to be seen. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 He's said this before a few times. If she passes he gets some closure-needing and an amiable divorce. If she fails then he salts the earth with their marriage and burns all of her pictures I wouldn't mind hearing a clearer answer from Zinger on this one. Personally, I think whether she "passes" or "fails" is going to have more to do with the polygrapher's gut feeling than any truth or falsehood she tells during the test. And so I hope Zinger doesn't make ANY decision based on the results. A pass doesn't mean she didn't have a PA and a fail doesn't mean that she did. The results of the test shouldn't bring any sort of closure because they don't mean jack crap. Zinger, what do you plan to do with the results? If she passes the poly, will you believe her? Will that result, combined with her remorse, be sufficient for you to trust that she's being honest? Will she get a second chance from you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 The problem is that you're fighting a battle with every outcome being ****ty. Yes. Exactly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 This thread has gone on for what 70 pages or more Is there a prise for the longest thread and where can I get it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 13, 2015 Author Share Posted July 13, 2015 Ok, let me try to answer this clearly: constraints: 1) I'm not stopping the divorce 2) I'm not taking away assets from the agreement. Despite everything she deserves it add probably more (I did offer more e.g. the house, she refused to take it) 3) I'm not stopping the search for details. e.g. of it was physical. Now when the news have leaked out of the family I've got some promising leads I'm following. Not going into details now. Decision tree. If I discover it went physical my own I'll never speak with her again. I'll terminate all contacts except required for the legal proceedings immediately, and even these will likely to go via 3rd party. If she confesses to me the full extent that is more than I have now on her own, I'll divorce friendly and remove myself out if her life, preferably by distance. If she conclusively fail the test - as above. I may be open to a social chat once a while, well help her to settle alone, etc but no more than that. If she passes the test with flying colours , will keep trying as hard as she is right now plus come up with some ideas on how to convince me I know all the truth and I can invest in this relationship, I may be open to some connection, likely after a period of time. With no promises made. She'll need to show me there is something for me in it, rather than questionable pride that I was "strong enough to work it out" (a quote). If this too hard - redirect to the point above. I wouldn't mind hearing a clearer answer from Zinger on this one. Personally, I think whether she "passes" or "fails" is going to have more to do with the polygrapher's gut feeling than any truth or falsehood she tells during the test. And so I hope Zinger doesn't make ANY decision based on the results. A pass doesn't mean she didn't have a PA and a fail doesn't mean that she did. The results of the test shouldn't bring any sort of closure because they don't mean jack crap. Zinger, what do you plan to do with the results? If she passes the poly, will you believe her? Will that result, combined with her remorse, be sufficient for you to trust that she's being honest? Will she get a second chance from you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) Ok, let me try to answer this clearly: 2) I'm not taking away assets from the agreement. Despite everything she deserves it add probably more (I did offer more e.g. the house, she refused to take it) is it not sop to sell the marital home. to prevent triggers on either spouse in the future. i certainly would not like it if my ex started bringing someone else into our former house. it would certainly burn me if ex would bring om/ow into our former marital bed/room. then start taking picture and plastering it on facebook. i say sell the marital house and burn the marital bed! Edited July 13, 2015 by m.snow Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Zinger there isn't anything else that anyone can suggest for you at this point. You're on the roller coaster going up that first big hill. The one that goes click....click....click. Then, if you're in the first car you sloooowly peer over the edge and you say to yourself "why the **** did I do this? ". Well, you're on the hill and you can't wish to get off the coaster. This is where you hold your breath and wait for that first hill to be over. We all know that the second hill is never quite as bad. This hill is the worst. It sucks second to only the day you found out. You'll get through it but there isn't anything magical to make it better. it will be over soon Link to post Share on other sites
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