Mr Mind of Shazam Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I don't see the fixation with whether it was a PA or not. Operate under the premise that it was. If you play the odds, that's the smart money. More likely than not they had sex. She won't own up to it. A polygraph is evidence, but not proof. There's really nothing more. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. But divorce and move on. There's nothing she can really do to prove her innocence, most likely because she isn't innocent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
singer23 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Not to a degree that would allow me to nail his had above my fireplace unfortunately. He is not working in that signage place anymore, he changed the lease and his cell goes straight to "out of reception out not available"' message. I keep him my eyesight, however having any sort of legal trouble applying for an overseas job is not the best thing, so for now my options are limited. I find it strange to be honest.. Quitting job, breaking lease.. I wouldn't be surprised if he was paid to make himslef invisible for the time being Link to post Share on other sites
singer23 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Ok, let me try to answer this clearly: constraints: 1) I'm not stopping the divorce 2) I'm not taking away assets from the agreement. Despite everything she deserves it add probably more (I did offer more e.g. the house, she refused to take it) 3) I'm not stopping the search for details. e.g. of it was physical. Now when the news have leaked out of the family I've got some promising leads I'm following. Not going into details now. Decision tree. If I discover it went physical my own I'll never speak with her again. I'll terminate all contacts except required for the legal proceedings immediately, and even these will likely to go via 3rd party. If she confesses to me the full extent that is more than I have now on her own, I'll divorce friendly and remove myself out if her life, preferably by distance. If she conclusively fail the test - as above. I may be open to a social chat once a while, well help her to settle alone, etc but no more than that. If she passes the test with flying colours , will keep trying as hard as she is right now plus come up with some ideas on how to convince me I know all the truth and I can invest in this relationship, I may be open to some connection, likely after a period of time. With no promises made. She'll need to show me there is something for me in it, rather than questionable pride that I was "strong enough to work it out" (a quote). If this too hard - redirect to the point above. Does she know that she has these options ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Ok, let me try to answer this clearly: constraints: 1) I'm not stopping the divorce 2) I'm not taking away assets from the agreement. Despite everything she deserves it add probably more (I did offer more e.g. the house, she refused to take it) 3) I'm not stopping the search for details. e.g. of it was physical. Now when the news have leaked out of the family I've got some promising leads I'm following. Not going into details now. Decision tree. If I discover it went physical my own I'll never speak with her again. I'll terminate all contacts except required for the legal proceedings immediately, and even these will likely to go via 3rd party. If she confesses to me the full extent that is more than I have now on her own, I'll divorce friendly and remove myself out if her life, preferably by distance. If she conclusively fail the test - as above. I may be open to a social chat once a while, well help her to settle alone, etc but no more than that. If she passes the test with flying colours , will keep trying as hard as she is right now plus come up with some ideas on how to convince me I know all the truth and I can invest in this relationship, I may be open to some connection, likely after a period of time. With no promises made. She'll need to show me there is something for me in it, rather than questionable pride that I was "strong enough to work it out" (a quote). If this too hard - redirect to the point above. zinger, what constantly blows me away is why they think they are so special that regardless of how many times you told her that infidelity is a deal breaker they still do it anyway than act all shocked because you meant it. No one is that special. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I find it strange to be honest.. Quitting job, breaking lease.. I wouldn't be surprised if he was paid to make himslef invisible for the time being I find this behavior atypical as well. The easy answer is he's a complete wuss, but Other Men are in it for the easy ass usually. The path of least-resistance with dealing with the affair is to play dumb, particularly since it is likely they've been in *some* sort of contact since. Changing his life to avoid getting yelled at in a sign store does not compute, a variable is missing. Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 I find it strange to be honest.. Quitting job, breaking lease.. I wouldn't be surprised if he was paid to make himslef invisible for the time being Or.....now that he's lost his "sugar momma", he's back to being the "starving" artist!!! Makes one wonder if he was only using Zingers stbx for financial means, and was never in love. That's why he tuck tail and ran!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Who cares about the boy toy and where he is . He is just some poor slob who wanted to get laid . But I would be willing to bet that Mrs . Zinger knows how to reach him and if one of the question s on the poly is "have you talked or communicated in any way with boy toy since the day at the mall" , she would probably fail that one too At a minimum she probably contacted him to get the story straight knowing that Zinger was going to confront this guy, which I believe she knew Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 zinger, what constantly blows me away is why they think they are so special that regardless of how many times you told her that infidelity is a deal breaker they still do it anyway than act all shocked because you meant it. No one is that special. Well, they can still try, can't they? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Well, this is one of my burning questions, isn't it? I mean what was so special about it that she decided to risk to "lose everything" (quote) for. "It was a mistake" (another quote) won't cut it for me. Like if I post my credit cacar number to a public forum and get money sullen, that's a (stupid) mistake. Bit if I discuss it here day with you, Sandylee and Eric add you both say "don't do it" and I still post it, it's may things but not a mistake. Trust me, I if I'm asked to pick up one thing she should've known for sure about me is that any affair is a deal breaker. zinger, what constantly blows me away is why they think they are so special that regardless of how many times you told her that infidelity is a deal breaker they still do it anyway than act all shocked because you meant it. No one is that special. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Well, they can still try, can't they? Only once. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 I find this behavior atypical as well. The easy answer is he's a complete wuss, but Other Men are in it for the easy ass usually. The path of least-resistance with dealing with the affair is to play dumb, particularly since it is likely they've been in *some* sort of contact since. Changing his life to avoid getting yelled at in a sign store does not compute, a variable is missing. I have to confess I've left him a message or two outlining the reason I'm seeking a face time with him. But I have no better explanation or theory here. If I mange to met him I'll ask for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Or.....now that he's lost his "sugar momma", he's back to being the "starving" artist!!! Makes one wonder if he was only using Zingers stbx for financial means, and was never in love. That's why he tuck tail and ran!!! If this is the case, I'll feel even more humiliated if this even possible (to be more humiliated) Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 If this is the case, I'll feel even more humiliated if this even possible (to be more humiliated) He wasn't, although I'm sure he leveraged the starving artist thing to its full potential. He was in it to get laid, but why not milk her for more? Changing his phone number etc is a better admission of guilt than a signed letter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 If there was no physical, the artist would not have run/quit his job/moved/changed his cell number. He is very afraid of something. If he could look zinger in the eye or answer a call and honestly say "I never f@#$ d your wife, he would have done it. He couldnt even lie about it. There is fear of the truth in both of there actions. Zinger might as well get ready for a USA visit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Is there a prise for the longest thread and where can I get it? Oh, my darling, you aren't even close yet... I recall several years ago a thread or two that went well into the 140+ pages! But I will remark on your resolve and fortitude. You have been handling everything with aplomb! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lgspot Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 If this is the case, I'll feel even more humiliated if this even possible (to be more humiliated) Zinger, No reason for you to be humiliated. You've handled things well. If your WW would cowboy up and meet you halfway, things might be more clear. From his and her actions, I don't fee like it ever got too involved. He was using her. Thats why he ran. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 If this is the case, I'll feel even more humiliated if this even possible (to be more humiliated) That humiliation is on your STBX, not on you. If some poor chap can talk her pants off and get cash out of her as well, damn, guess who won the title of Miss Gullible...! I think once you're out of the picture there will be many poor lads waiting at her doorstep; she better take the house to sell it herself if she wants to entertain them for long. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Oh, my darling, you aren't even close yet... I recall several years ago a thread or two that went well into the 140+ pages! But I will remark on your resolve and fortitude. You have been handling everything with aplomb! Zinger is up to third on this particular forum, after Sofie and NinjasHuband. My old thread has dropped to 16th. But who's counting? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 zinger, what constantly blows me away is why they think they are so special that regardless of how many times you told her that infidelity is a deal breaker they still do it anyway than act all shocked because you meant it. No one is that special. Maybe she read about a BH who has taken his wife back after 5 ddays, because some do. Even after sleeping with 20 men some men do. I don't call that love, it's being a doormat (that's putting it nicely ). Too many people allow themselves to be disrespected time and time again. You need to know who you married and what they won't put you up with . 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Maybe she read about a BH who has taken his wife back after 5 ddays, because some do. Even after sleeping with 20 men some men do. I don't call that love, it's being a doormat (that's putting it nicely ). Too many people allow themselves to be disrespected time and time again. You need to know who you married and what they won't put you up with . Correct. If she was/is reading the same websites I do now, it's plenty of stories like "she had cheated, as soon I learned I told her I want to work it out".So perhaps - despite knowing me better than anyone else in the world - she subconsciously got convinced. Now. To her credit she never used the (what I read to be the common) line of "you never truly loved me if you are not giving me a chance". I don't know why I feel like posting this info is justified but I do. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 I understand where you are coming from. You don't turn love off overnight - it takes time. When you know that her cheating is something you will never accept the responsibility is yours to end the marriage rather than put you both through the hell of a reconciliation that is doomed to fail. Your healing will depend on how strong your will is to maintain no-contact. You are still living together now and that is a horrible arrangement for your well-being. You've made it clear that you are going to do things your way and have not taken much advice from any of us. That's fine - I think we've helped confirm that your feelings and actions are reasonable. But please consider this: living in the same house is something that you have to stop as soon as possible. It is only leading to more confusion, more pain and making everything more difficult. Move out now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Why is she still there if she offered to move? Torture? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Oh, my darling, you aren't even close yet... I recall several years ago a thread or two that went well into the 140+ pages! But I will remark on your resolve and fortitude. You have been handling everything with aplomb! Well, at least I'm getting there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted July 15, 2015 Author Share Posted July 15, 2015 Well, at least I'm getting there. I wouldn' say I've ignored all or much of an advice. Perhaps I'm just applying it on my own timeline. I think I have responded why are we under the same roof before. This setting will change in time - rather sooner than later. Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 There are no absolutes in life and moving apart on your own schedule is fine. You aren't a dummy and know that continued contact will make things more difficult. But they're already nuclear-level difficult so doing things not by the book....not your biggest concern Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts