To bust or not to bust

[drifter777]

I didn't think there was any proof that she slept with the artist. I thought that was conjecture. Am I wrong?

 

Honestly I'm with Zinger. I've never cheated. I've been cheated on & it's still very raw. I'm still at the insane stage of discovery & questions. I'm in shock. I know how much it hurts, I truly do. I'm in pieces. I know I'm in no fit state to make huge life changing choices yet.

zinger posted a couple days ago that he found proof that they were physical.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm sorry. I read it all over a couple of days & I must of misunderstood that. That does change things. I thought we were assuming trickle truth because...well, that's what's usually happening! I was giving her the benefit of doubt. Hoping that she had told the truth & no-one was willing to believe it. I guess in my situation I wanted to believe in someone & not think the worst. How sad. People can be so disappointing.

This is a side of the world I never thought I'd be exposed to. I never knew anything could hurt so much. It's devastation to every single aspect of life & self. I like to believe that if anyone knew these feelings they would NEVER commit adultery. It's the cruelest torture. Only a true sociopath could knowingly do this to another human being. This forum talks about 'pain'. WS saying "I know my partner would be 'HURT' if they found out". Hurt is such a little word. I'm physically sick!

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I didn't think there was any proof that she slept with the artist. I thought that was conjecture. Am I wrong?

Zinger posted that he had established that she had been obfuscating and lying and that it was a physical relationship.

[drifter777]

I'm sorry. I read it all over a couple of days & I must of misunderstood that. That does change things. I thought we were assuming trickle truth because...well, that's what's usually happening! I was giving her the benefit of doubt. Hoping that she had told the truth & no-one was willing to believe it. I guess in my situation I wanted to believe in someone & not think the worst. How sad. People can be so disappointing.

This is a side of the world I never thought I'd be exposed to. I never knew anything could hurt so much. It's devastation to every single aspect of life & self. I like to believe that if anyone knew these feelings they would NEVER commit adultery. It's the cruelest torture. Only a true sociopath could knowingly do this to another human being. This forum talks about 'pain'. WS saying "I know my partner would be 'HURT' if they found out". Hurt is such a little word. I'm physically sick!

 

Nearly every BH on this thread knew she had sex - assuming that the facts zinger provided were indeed facts. We knew. We see it all the time. And in this case as in nearly every case like this, no one is happy and saying "I told you so". We all know what it's like to be in such pain and to be so dazed and confused that we refuse to see what is plain as day. I've said it before - I don't think a BH still in the wake of d-day is capable of seeing the truth. It's too horrible and his mind will filter out the most painful things. I know it worked like this for me and a few of my friends and I've seen it over and over again on this forum. Hoping against hope is common because none of us wants to be right.

 

Completely with you on the depth, breadth, and intensity of the pain & sadness that our cheater has caused. Other than losing a child, I cannot imagine anything else that could have happened to me that would equal the pain this has caused. I'm much, much better now but it's going to hurt forever.

[zinger]

I'm just assuming here, but I think "some people" gave Zinger the proof.

 

Almost spot on. It looks like if I don't post long enough, this community is capable of getting to the right conclusions based on a very few facts.

 

It'll require me a certain mental effort to desribe this in details and the recollection is still blurry, but the mile high digest is. I have met someone who reported to me that the bastard was overheard bragging that be has found a no strings attached woman who not only sleeps wth him but buys him stuff. I went home, confronted and got the confession.

 

I know I'm supposed to stuck to the facts and not to bother you with emotional component, but I feel utterly humiliated even writing this several days later.

[zinger]

I didn't think there was any proof that she slept with the artist. I thought that was conjecture. Am I wrong?

 

Honestly I'm with Zinger. I've never cheated. I've been cheated on & it's still very raw. I'm still at the insane stage of discovery & questions. I'm in shock. I know how much it hurts, I truly do. I'm in pieces. I know I'm in no fit state to make huge life changing choices yet.

 

Then you have my thoughts and best wishes.

[zinger]

One of the big 1+1 <> 2 with me with her (as told via Zinger) was how this always was the case. She was acting contrite yet allowed them to act like...that...which was clearly manipulation.

 

All it took was her to put her foot down and say "I'm the one who everyone needs to be angry with. Zinger didn't do anything to deserve this and didn't ask to be put into this position"

 

You are right and wrong at the same time Eric. She did say this or something very similar to this many times. Which had not prevented all involved to rally behind her and offer unconditional support.

 

And to clarify. When I posted "she refuses" I meant " refuses to get legal representation"' not the divorce. And unfortunately her breakdown was genuine and severe

[zinger]

. I just don't see her as the evil calculated, money grabbing harpy that many of you are painting her to be. Many here have been deeply hurt, myself included. She just doesn't seem like a cruel serial cheater. More like a sensitive, loving woman who really screwed-up. I just know I wouldn't be so fast to throw Nothing here points to a heartless cruel woman. It sounds more like a woman who deeply loves her husband but fell into a terrible situation (completely her fault), step by step, without evil intentions. They have a whole lifetime of intimacy & experiences, dreams & plans. This is all happening so fast!

 

That is very accurate and describes her character and what happened to the t. So I can see a method in everyone's madness - I refer to pushing me to give her "a chance". What's not so obvious to them is the fact that I cannot just be around her anymore.

[drifter777]

Almost spot on. It looks like if I don't post long enough, this community is capable of getting to the right conclusions based on a very few facts.

 

It'll require me a certain mental effort to desribe this in details and the recollection is still blurry, but the mile high digest is. I have met someone who reported to me that the bastard was overheard bragging that be has found a no strings attached woman who not only sleeps wth him but buys him stuff. I went home, confronted and got the confession.

 

I know I'm supposed to stuck to the facts and not to bother you with emotional component, but I feel utterly humiliated even writing this several days later.

 

Hey - wait a minute. This forum and us members are all about the emotional component. The facts are what happened and that is what causes the emotional reaction. To me, expressing your emotions and helping you to understand why you feel the way you feel is what we do best here. Yes, we all color things with our personal experiences but it will give you a good idea of what kind of feelings and reactions are typical of a BH. Really, that's the main reason we're here. Helping a BS read the tea leaves and find & face the truth is the easiest part of healing infidelity. Like I said, nearly all of us knew it was physical and most of us tried to use your own evidence to help you see the light. We knew that unless you knew the worst you could not begin to heal. You would always have a nagging doubt and, believe it or not, some BH's would rather have that nagging doubt then know a painful truth. We didn't want you to be that guy because we want to see you heal. We want to see all BS's heal. We on this forum argue about the path to take to healing but never about that the ultimate goal is the healing.

 

Most people, especially men, are afraid of their own strong emotions. We've been told to hold our temper so expressing anger is not something we do very well. We either swallow it or explode. Neither of these are healthy but some of us don't know any other way. Shame, sadness, the pain of a broken heart - all of these emotions can be difficult to express. I have urged you to find a counselor to work on these things and I'll urge you again. You've done the things that have to be done in order to stay true to your values and honor. I think that what you have done so far is a great start to healing but you still have work to do.

[qubist]

Zinger: here is my opinion, the majority of people here in LS will disagree. I really thing that you should consider all option including giving your wife a second chance.

first of all let clarify 2 things

1- unless you invent a time machine and both of you go back in time and correct things there will be no easy way out of this, unfortunately her mistake has put you through this

2- if you decide that you should just leave her and D her no one should blame you, however this does not guarantee immediate satisfaction.

the fact that your family is pushing you to work this out and sympathizing with her is telling me that she was a victim of his manipulation. you admitted she isn't a serial cheater and showed sincere remorse.

your family are not necessary blaming you they just want you to get over the pain and start healing,they think your best way to do it is with R. I do thing you should keep that option open. I'm not saying forget everything has happened and open a new page it doesn't work like that, bu if you consider it there is a define path you and her must go through and it start with her being remorseful

[drifter777]

qubist: The reason people will disagree with you is not necessarily because of your "always try to R" advice its that you always assume facts not in evidence. To suggest she is a victim of a predator is ludicrous. Even if it's true there is nothing to suggest that is the case. Serial cheater? zinger has no idea she hasn't cheated before. He is a good, trusting man who could easily be fooled by his wife.

 

If you read the thread you would know that zinger is a man of high moral character who has a reasonable expectation that his wife is not going to fu*k other men. The fact she lied, met him for lunch, caressed his face, gave him an expensive watch was enough to shatter him. Her reaction to being busted was a dead-giveaway that she was screwing him. Still, he wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt until the very end. He finally got enough information to bust her and she confirmed the truth. Who knows how this would have turned out if she had given up the truth as easily as giving up her pu**y.

 

zinger is crushed, shattered. He has chosen divorce as his path to recovery. After reading this whole thread to suggest a second chance for her is irrational. That's not him and he would be in agony if he tried to R for the sake of his family. They are both much, much better off divorcing and starting over.

[m.snow]

Zinger: here is my opinion, the majority of people here in LS will disagree. I really thing that you should consider all option including giving your wife a second chance.

first of all let clarify 2 things

1- unless you invent a time machine and both of you go back in time and correct things there will be no easy way out of this, unfortunately her mistake has put you through this

2- if you decide that you should just leave her and D her no one should blame you, however this does not guarantee immediate satisfaction.

the fact that your family is pushing you to work this out and sympathizing with her is telling me that she was a victim of his manipulation. you admitted she isn't a serial cheater and showed sincere remorse.

your family are not necessary blaming you they just want you to get over the pain and start healing,they think your best way to do it is with R. I do thing you should keep that option open. I'm not saying forget everything has happened and open a new page it doesn't work like that, bu if you consider it there is a define path you and her must go through and it start with her being remorseful

 

zinger is a man of principle. the kind of one time deal only. if he is your boss and you f up your fired.

no chance R was discussed since the beginning of this thread.

did you know zinger chased the OM?

imagine if zinger caught the OM. OM be swimming with the fishes by now.

if the wife f's up again. zinger might cross the line.

and wife might end up 6 feet below the ground.

so yeah divorce.

 

check zingers personality if it fits R, no kids after decade marriage & very distant with his own family.

his wife is closer to his family than he is. his wife brought him closer to his family. you gotta take something from that.

Edited August 21, 2015 by m.snow

[Friskyone4u]

""It'll require me a certain mental effort to desribe this in details and the recollection is still blurry, but the mile high digest is. I have met someone who reported to me that the bastard was overheard bragging that be has found a no strings attached woman who not only sleeps wth him but buys him stuff. I went home, confronted and got the confession. ""

 

Isn't the above enough to stop the talk of reconciliation. Ninety pages ago it many were saying he was imagining things and over reacting.

 

Why can't some accept that thie affair, and her reaction of stonewalling, is enough for it to be a deal breaker.

 

Zinger, move on, heal yourself, and she just confessed to the whole thing. You do not need to explan it to anyone any more.

 

In case anyone doesn't get it.

 

She banged the OM, it was not an EA, and he is done with her.

 

Hang in there Zinger

[zinger]

I will log in later to respond to the latest couple of great posts (and I do appreciate all points of view), but to illustrate the pressure in under (not from her, let me please be clear on that). Some one involved (from my side) dropped a couple of internet print outs on my desk: stories of a men who decided to "work out out" straight after learning their wifes having sex with multiple people over the years, being pregnant with affair babies, etc. The context is "why can't you do it out try it?"

 

Guess I don't have it in me.

[Friskyone4u]

Zinger,

 

Ignore the **** they are dropping on you.

 

Very easy for someone whose wife or husband has not been banging another person to hadn someone an article.

 

Don't know who these peolple are but they are not helping you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Zinger, I am really very sorry to learn of the full extent of your wife's betrayal and her consistent resistance to full disclosure. That makes her betrayal so much the worse and completely unforgivable. It seems she had no desire to come clean thereby denying you closure about this whole affair. I can only think that she was more selfish than what had emerged over the whole progression of your thread. As others have said you are not the kind of person to be able to forgive such a transgression and reconcile with a wan who only thought about herself till the last. I will also say that if your wife was not able to get to know you deeply enough to know that infidelity of any kind was a deal breaker for you and that you would never reconcile after an incident such as this does not deserve to be your wife. You are well rid of her and to h**l with the rest of the reconciliation brigade.

 

Wish you very best for the future where ever thatay take you. Cheers"

[Celestial-dreamer]

I will log in later to respond to the latest couple of great posts (and I do appreciate all points of view), but to illustrate the pressure in under (not from her, let me please be clear on that). Some one involved (from my side) dropped a couple of internet print outs on my desk: stories of a men who decided to "work out out" straight after learning their wifes having sex with multiple people over the years, being pregnant with affair babies, etc. The context is "why can't you do it out try it?"

 

Guess I don't have it in me.

 

 

Know what I would want to do with the wonderful pieces paper? Use them to wipe my backside then hand them back to who-ever dropped them on your desk. People have their own ideas of what a marriage is, whats a deal breaker and what's not. This is YOURS to decide. Not theirs. One question, if your wife had admitted everything on Dday, could/would it have turned out differently? Could there have perhaps been an R on the cards? Stay strong (not that you need to be told that) don't give up under the pressure of others.

[sandylee1]

Almost spot on. It looks like if I don't post long enough, this community is capable of getting to the right conclusions based on a very few facts.

 

It'll require me a certain mental effort to desribe this in details and the recollection is still blurry, but the mile high digest is. I have met someone who reported to me that the bastard was overheard bragging that be has found a no strings attached woman who not only sleeps wth him but buys him stuff. I went home, confronted and got the confession.

 

I know I'm supposed to stuck to the facts and not to bother you with emotional component, but I feel utterly humiliated even writing this several days later.

 

 

We're here to support you emotionally as well Zinger. I'm so sorry about this.

 

She ruined a good thing to have sex with a man she had to buy things for. She's the fool and your conscience is clear. Your wife ignored your views about divorce if she cheated and would have carried on if you weren't on to her tricks.

 

The self entiltled feeling of he loves me too much to end the marriage is ridiculous.

 

Being betrayed absolutely affects your emotional well being, so please don't hold back. You may find the advice of great help in getting through this. Just because you decide to divorce, the pain of betrayal doesn't disappear. It does help to not see the person who did a number on you everyday though.

[eric1]

Zing,

 

It's sad in a way that this is over. You're a great guy and albeit under awful circumstances it's been great getting to know you.

 

But it's over man. You're a successful guy and you know when to seek outside council for decisions. I think deep down you probably knew there would be a rush of family and social distractions post a decision to divorce given your interest in temporary international relocation post-decision. Just like it was a few months ago, your gut feel is again probably correct.

[MarkusM]

Hoping You The Best

[BetrayedH]

Zinger: here is my opinion, the majority of people here in LS will disagree. I really thing that you should consider all option including giving your wife a second chance.

first of all let clarify 2 things

1- unless you invent a time machine and both of you go back in time and correct things there will be no easy way out of this, unfortunately her mistake has put you through this

2- if you decide that you should just leave her and D her no one should blame you, however this does not guarantee immediate satisfaction.

the fact that your family is pushing you to work this out and sympathizing with her is telling me that she was a victim of his manipulation. you admitted she isn't a serial cheater and showed sincere remorse.

your family are not necessary blaming you they just want you to get over the pain and start healing,they think your best way to do it is with R. I do thing you should keep that option open. I'm not saying forget everything has happened and open a new page it doesn't work like that, bu if you consider it there is a define path you and her must go through and it start with her being remorseful

 

With due respect, she didn't show "sincere remorse" when she was lying through her teeth for all this time. With all of her crying and blubbering, she still managed to lie, lie, and lie some more.

 

This whole time that their friends and family have been saying to forgive her, she's been lying.

 

And Zinger, you may be prone to believe that this was a one-time aberration from her normally good character but, given time, I think you'll come to question a lot more about her character and what may have been going on throughout the entire duration of your marriage.

 

Everyone wants to give her the benefit of the doubt. The time for that is over.

[zinger]

The only - if any - is that the timeline of events indicates that nothing I could've done to prevent it. E.g. my biggest fear of basically enabling the affair by indecision didn't materialise. By the time I got to it and started to monitor it was too late.

[road]

Deciding to divorce is not a black and white answer. Unless the marriage is a year or to old, no kids, no financial impact.

 

 

Zinger is not in the unless category.

 

 

Zinger has not related well with his family.

 

 

His WW has repaired that.

 

 

Outside of the affair he family sees that she has improved his life before the affair. They see her behavior post affair. They see her and him having a better marriage after recovery.

 

 

Zinger if he divorces throws away 15 years of his life.

 

 

 

 

Sadly some people here are so pro divorce they scream dump her without looking at the whole picture.

[zinger]

Technical error, I intended to quote

Will repost

Edited August 21, 2015 by zinger

[zinger]

Thank you, I appreciate your suggestion. This is a very valid point of view which is well aligned with opinions of people around me. E.g. if you have a loving beautiful smart women who makes (used to make) you so happy, for your own good you got to give her a chance, especially since she's so remorseful and promises quote "to spend the rest of her life making up for what she's done".

 

However even if I - for the sake of the argument- decide to ignore very reasonable assessment of lying and stonewalling rightfully expressed here, one issue remains. And that is that I do feel betrayed to the core, and I cannot imagine her living with amount of anger and disappointment built inside me. Basically I believe that subconsciously she still believes I'm the same person ib used to be 3 or 4 month ago, which is not the case.

 

She doesn't know what she is trying to sign up to. I genuinely think the divorce is best fur her as well.

 

Hope this addresses the point.

 

Zinger: here is my opinion, the majority of people here in LS will disagree. I really thing that you should consider all option including giving your wife a second chance.

first of all let clarify 2 things

1- unless you invent a time machine and both of you go back in time and correct things there will be no easy way out of this, unfortunately her mistake has put you through this

2- if you decide that you should just leave her and D her no one should blame you, however this does not guarantee immediate satisfaction.

the fact that your family is pushing you to work this out and sympathizing with her is telling me that she was a victim of his manipulation. you admitted she isn't a serial cheater and showed sincere remorse.

your family are not necessary blaming you they just want you to get over the pain and start healing,they think your best way to do it is with R. I do thing you should keep that option open. I'm not saying forget everything has happened and open a new page it doesn't work like that, bu if you consider it there is a define path you and her must go through and it start with her being remorseful