To bust or not to bust

[Morro72]

What I have learned is that when you design a critical element of a system for resilience So it can withstand everything and they're is only one unique combination of parameters that can break it, which you had to allow to meet other criteria , be rest assured that this exact combination well break it in testing or even worse in production.

 

That is what happened to my life, which I reinforced against everything but not against the inside impact.

I'm sure you realize a key difference between engineering and family life but it may be worth highlighting. Engineers have the benefit of being able to test or at least simulate system components, subassemblies, and entire systems to the point where their properties are well understood, and failures are generally due to operating outside the design envelope or to some identifiable design or manufacturing defect. With a marriage, there's no test - it's all live. From that perspective, the surprise isn't that so many marriages fail, it's that so many succeed.

 

You can't engineer the chance of failure out of a marriage, but what you can do is exactly what you have done - rapid detection followed by decisive action.

[singer23]

Look to be honest the mentioning of potential nude painting and modeling and considerations of other physical aspects you mention almost threw me down and back to the finding out the truth phase. I was ready to get back to my (former) home, start asking questions, etc, etc. But then - after cooling of a bit - I realised this would change nothing. How long, how many times, even how many men though I'm sure this is her only affair - doesn't even matter. I can't divorce her more than once anyway. And if there are paints or pictures - they can have them and put them up for exhibition. We will be totally dissociated soon.

 

 

I don't have a fixed opinion but your reaction after finding it was physical or that there could be nude pics of her..Is detaching and repressing the feelings the best way forward ?

Edited August 22, 2015 by singer23

[Cressida]

Although I spend more time on the board room rather than at the drawing board these days I do have an engineering background ( how did your guessed that?). What I have learned is that when you design a critical element of a system for resilience So it can withstand everything and they're is only one unique combination of parameters that can break it, which you had to allow to meet other criteria , be rest assured that this exact combination well break it in testing or even worse in production.

 

That is what happened to my life, which I reinforced against everything but not against the inside impact.

 

 

You sound like an engineer, rest assured that's a good thing! I thought you were an architect or construction design engineer, but well, not even Cressida can know it all

 

Leaving joke aside, I completely understand what you mean and the fact that you fool-proofed your marriage all this time...but Zing, this infidelity thing, that's the problem with it. It is the infidelity of the mind and heart and not necessarily of the 'paper' (the fact that you two are/were married) that breaks us down...

I see what happened in your case as an earthquake that you never thought would have come, despite taking all cautionary measures in the system. You know about earthquakes, you took all precautions but didn't feel it when it happened as it was a low-impact one. It caused fractures in your foundation and you immediately sensed something, to then discover the magnitude of the damage.

 

Marriages and civil design might be different, but metaphorically speaking, I think that's what happened to you.

 

It's always good to discover things you didn't know about the people in your life. It happened to me as well, i think it happened to all of us.

 

How are you holding on ? Have you discussed anything else with your wife? I hope the information gave you some form of closure on the whole thing....and don't blame yourself for this, there's nothing we can do to prevent the actions of the other.

Edited August 22, 2015 by Cressida

[merrmeade]

With due respect, she didn't show "sincere remorse" when she was lying through her teeth for all this time. With all of her crying and blubbering, she still managed to lie, lie, and lie some more.

 

This whole time that their friends and family have been saying to forgive her, she's been lying.

 

And Zinger, you may be prone to believe that this was a one-time aberration from her normally good character but, given time, I think you'll come to question a lot more about her character and what may have been going on throughout the entire duration of your marriage.

 

Everyone wants to give her the benefit of the doubt. The time for that is over.

yeah, I'm royally pissed at her and feel trickle-truth peed on all over again. Sorry I ever doubted you, zinger.

[merrmeade]

iow, YOU'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING! Dump her ass.

[zinger]

Sorry for throwing that one at you but your a leave no stone unturned kind of guy. years.

 

You don't have to be sorry. I needed that and I have been (and am) asking for that. After all my worst nightmare - literally - is either me enjoying my life not knowing what is going on basically enabling the cheating and having this clown laughing at me. Or spending the next couple of years looking at the most important person in my life trying to find out what is it I don't know. For better or worse this hasn't happened.

 

I have had a lot of input here - positive, negative, flattering and not so, hurting and encouraging, from all kind of people - men, ladies, older, younger (as I guess), those who have been cheated on and cheated themselves. All of it was extremely helpful, 100% of it (well perhaps except the one that accused me of writing this for entertainment). Thanks a lot.

[zinger]

yeah, I'm royally pissed at her and feel trickle-truth peed on all over again. Sorry I ever doubted you, zinger.

 

Thanks... doubted for what?

[merrmeade]

Thanks... doubted for what?

Well, for a while there I was confused because of the lack of really concrete DETAILS from you about what she was saying. I couldn't get a handle on whether there was hope for reconciliation AND it seemed like she hadn't done that much - then. I couldn't see why you were dead set on splitting and thought it was more influence from the peanut gallery here on LS and posters kind of pushing you with a little bravado to boot. I doubted that you were acting on real information and thorough deliberation about your relationship.

 

But in light of the fact that it WAS physical, that means she DID manipulate you and the poly tester and that really, really offends me. Also, you said that the posters were actually expressing what you felt. You've confirmed this now several times, so I'm good. I feel fine that you've figured this thing out for you and are doing the right thing - for you. You've said many ways that you just can't live with it or with her. It basically turns your stomach. Done. I'm convinced. No doubts. I won't worry about zinger so much any more; he'll be fine (even if he's not so sure yet).

[clam]

But in light of the fact that it WAS physical, that means she DID manipulate you and the poly tester and that really, really offends me.

 

Yeah, she freaked out on the poly exam because she knew she was lying.

 

Very sad story. Hang in there, zinger.

Edited August 24, 2015 by clam

[qubist]

You don't have to be sorry. I needed that and I have been (and am) asking for that. After all my worst nightmare - literally - is either me enjoying my life not knowing what is going on basically enabling the cheating and having this clown laughing at me. Or spending the next couple of years looking at the most important person in my life trying to find out what is it I don't know. For better or worse this hasn't happened.

 

I have had a lot of input here - positive, negative, flattering and not so, hurting and encouraging, from all kind of people - men, ladies, older, younger (as I guess), those who have been cheated on and cheated themselves. All of it was extremely helpful, 100% of it (well perhaps except the one that accused me of writing this for entertainment). Thanks a lot.

Zinger: Only you can help yourself getting out of this mess winning. I believe you chose the only route that you could choose at this moment . just do not stop here and work on healing yourself. you have to know that there is nothing you should be ashamed of and that clown did not fool you. the sooner you get all this out of your chest will be better. good luck

[zinger]

The worst part is how she kept covering and trickle truthing after the affair. She even took a polygraph(once rescheduled) to muddy the waters, even though she knew she was getting divorced. It can only mean that she was more bothered about saving her image among friends and family more than anything.

 

Zinger treated her with the dignity she did not deserve in hindsight. What is point of Ring after D if she cannot even respect him to make his own decision ? Especially after an affair.

 

Actually she withheld information, kept covering and attempted to pass the polygraph mostly if not only to save the relationship (not necessary the marriage). That was her main motive, not necessary saving the image. I have had a long closing discussion with her, she admitted she was clinging to the end of the straw there and - for whatever it makes me - I believe her.

 

I agree with you, ideally she would have told me straight away - out of respect or any other reason - but to me this is easy too much to expect. If she was or is so "flawless"'she wouldn't have cheated anyway.

[zinger]

 

It's always good to discover things you didn't know about the people in your life. It happened to me as well, i think it happened to all of us.

 

How are you holding on ? Have you discussed anything else with your wife? I hope the information gave you some form of closure on the whole thing....and don't blame yourself for this, there's nothing we can do to prevent the actions of the other.

 

 

Sorry this happened to you, you have my wishes and support (assuming this was also recent and fresh). Thanks for asking, I'm holding on fine. My US plans are confirmed, so I'm making a long list of places to visit and activities to do (I have been visiting but only for business).

 

Yes whilst I'm trying to maintain the contact to the minimum (mostly to ensure her health is ok and she I'd set up for when I'm finally out) I've had this "soul barring"'discussion.

 

She told me why and how this has started and progressed and I do actually believe out, because her thoughts, motives and reactions match my knowledge of her character.

 

To summarize and to comment on couple of great posts made by Italian job and others: I do believe that she was a naive person on a slippery slope making wrong choices and not realising when to stop until it's too late rather than a child hearted manipulator.

 

Not that out changes the outcome to the better similar to the fact that if she did nice pics or whatever does not change it to worse.

 

E.g. my divorce formula is 0 < # Of Divorces < 2.

Edited August 26, 2015 by zinger

[TX-SC]

my divorce formula is 0 < # Of Divorces < 2.

 

Pretty damn good math if you ask me...

[latinmex]

I do believe that she was a naive person on a slippery slope making wrong choices and not realising when to stop until it's too late rather than a child hearted manipulator.

 

Sorry for what is happening to you.

I don´t think She was NAIVE She knows what She was doing, even when you told Her that you can never forgive an infidelity, She continued with Her affair, she didn´t care.

[eric1]

Look me up when you get to the States man. I travel a lot here and you deserve a beer or nine.

[Cressida]

 

She told me why and how this has started and progressed and I do actually believe out, because her thoughts, motives and reactions match my knowledge of her character.

 

 

 

Zinger, I am truly glad that you're coming out of the fog and that you've arranged plans for the US, best of luck with everything in your personal as well as your professional life.

 

Please never think like this- * the bolded part. Until recently, you 'knew' her and look where it got you.

 

Also, I think you're being too much of a gentleman to inquire about her health when she's done what she's done....my personal take on the whole feeling 'unwell' episode is that she was just pretending. There's no need for you to feel the extra concern about HER well being when she didn't care one bit about yours. Don't make her the victim of the story, she definitely is not.

[SpokenFor]

Hi Zinger,

 

Glad you are headed over this way. You did everything right and stayed true to your sense that a physical affair would be the end of the marriage. I had really thought you caught it just in time; seems like you never were given that chance. Now you suffer, but I am pretty sure she suffers more. And the POS cockroach scuttles away.

 

Enjoy your time in the US! Once you clear your head, I'd just urge you to consider whether your ex could ever be a part of a good life for you. This would be difficult to even think about now, but I'd ask you to leave the possibility open, at least in your own thoughts without telling her, for a time with less pain and a longer perspective.

 

Best wishes, and shoot me a message if you want to talk!

[sandylee1]

Zinger - despite everything you still care about your wife's health and wellbeing. You really are a man of such good character. You and so many other BHs here are really men among men. It's such a shame that your wives didn't appreciate and value you guys.

[66Charger]

It has become crystal clear that the Men and Women who are "one and done" have the highest amount of self respect. The refusal to live a life fo drama, lies and deceit. It is also very easy for these types to attract a(several)decent potentials.

 

The penalty for this infidelity is a one way ticket to a new life and you are not invited.

 

The day that you get on that plane, will be the day that she clearly understands what she has wrought. Some cheaters are so low they dont really care. And some pay a heavy heavy price.

 

So it should be.

[singer23]

Actually she withheld information, kept covering and attempted to pass the polygraph mostly if not only to save the relationship (not necessary the marriage). That was her main motive, not necessary saving the image. I have had a long closing discussion with her, she admitted she was clinging to the end of the straw there and - for whatever it makes me - I believe her.

 

I agree with you, ideally she would have told me straight away - out of respect or any other reason - but to me this is easy too much to expect. If she was or is so "flawless"'she wouldn't have cheated anyway.

 

 

I am having a real hard time buying this argument. How do you know that this discussion was not an extension of that behavior ?

 

I mean, how do you even know what she told you since the confrontation is the real truth ? She had nothing to lose when you were divorcing her previously too.

 

And is there anyway you can recover the gifts from the OM. She must have spent quite a bit of the family money on him.

 

Also, how do you expect the divorce to go ? Would it be a substantial loss of your property ?

[zinger]

Look me up when you get to the States man. I travel a lot here and you deserve a beer or nine.

 

Sure. Will be pleasure. I'm going to max out on my travel allowance anyway so chances of being in the same city at the same time are high. I'll leave my contact details in pm's for anyone interested (with hope to thank in person) before closing the thread. So yeah, let's do it.

 

I'd like to keep writing in mean time if that's ok. Kind of helps, you know.

Edited August 27, 2015 by zinger

[zinger]

Zinger, I am truly glad that you're coming out of the fog and that you've arranged plans for the US, best of luck with everything in your personal as well as your professional life.

 

Please never think like this- * the bolded part. Until recently, you 'knew' her and look where it got you.

 

Also, I think you're being too much of a gentleman to inquire about her health when she's done what she's done....my personal take on the whole feeling 'unwell' episode is that she was just pretending. There's no need for you to feel the extra concern about HER well being when she didn't care one bit about yours. Don't make her the victim of the story, she definitely is not.

 

Thank you for your kind words. You know what, you (and many others that share this point of view) are probably right. But while logically agreeing with you, irrationally I tend to believe in what I posted before. Let's call it an only small internall weakness I'm allowing myself to have in the process; small adds internal because it does not change the end result at all

 

Last call it a secret between you, me and only 100 out so viewers of this thread

[zinger]

so many other BHs here are really men among men. It's such a shame that your wives didn't appreciate and value you guys.

 

I agree - only with the quoted part for the record

 

I read stories of ladies (sorry this is the way I'm raised) who have been through worse than me here and I can't help but think "you (they) so much dummy deserve this". Looks like this stuff reveals the best and the worst in people.

[eric1]

Sure. Will be pleasure. I'm going to max out on my travel allowance anyway so chances of being in the same city at the same time are high. I'll leave my contact details in pm's for anyone interested (with hope to thank in person) before closing the thread. So yeah, let's do it.

 

I'd like to keep writing in mean time if that's ok. Kind of helps, you know.

 

Zing, in addition to helping yourself, you're helping the 100s of people who don't have the courage to put their stories out here.

 

You're a good man dude

[zinger]

Look I'm not sure why financial sheets are brought in but I can respond.

 

- I'm absolutely not interested in recovering any gifts. Whatever she spent was insignificant (I didn't even notice those expenses) and I'm not even remotely interested in knowing the total.

And I'm not sure if you are suggesting to recover it from him or her? Recovering from her would be senseless and shallow. From him - week if I locate him, we will have more exciting things to discuss.

 

- I expect divorce to remain uncontested (mutual separation). Lawyer had informed me that soon it'll pass all mandatory checks (her legal representation or I'd say lack of it could be the only problem) and then only cooling of period remains

 

- "Substantial" is a relative term. Let's say, she'll be set up and won't have to work two jobs or penny pinching between pay runs. Her lifestyle will suffer substantially, her next car won't be (her favorite luxury brand) and she won't afford the maintenance on the home without help from the family. My lifestyle (spending wise) won't change. So it is not substantial to me. In any case I still have my brains and my hands

 

 

I am having a real hard time buying this argument. How do you know that this discussion was not an extension of that behavior ?

 

I mean, how do you even know what she told you since the confrontation is the real truth ? She had nothing to lose when you were divorcing her previously too.

 

And is there anyway you can recover the gifts from the OM. She must have spent quite a bit of the family money on him.

 

Also, how do you expect the divorce to go ? Would it be a substantial loss of your property ?

Edited August 27, 2015 by zinger