qubist Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Look I'm not sure why financial sheets are brought in but I can respond. - I'm absolutely not interested in recovering any gifts. Whatever she spent was insignificant (I didn't even notice those expenses) and I'm not even remotely interested in knowing the total. And I'm not sure if you are suggesting to recover it from him or her? Recovering from her would be senseless and shallow. From him - week if I locate him, we will have more exciting things to discuss. - I expect divorce to remain uncontested (mutual separation). Lawyer had informed me that soon it'll pass all mandatory checks (her legal representation or I'd say lack of it could be the only problem) and then only cooling of period remains - "Substantial" is a relative term. Let's say, she'll be set up and won't have to work two jobs or penny pinching between pay runs. Her lifestyle will suffer substantially, her next car won't be (her favorite luxury brand) and she won't afford the maintenance on the home without help from the family. My lifestyle (spending wise) won't change. So it is not substantial to me. In any case I still have my brains and my hands I agree with you Zigler, no need to go back and dig what was buried. just move on since you already decided to leave your wife so just leave her, her "history" and her future too. you should focus on yourself make sure you are not holding any grudge that will continue to haunt you. you should forget about the OM too i see that you joked that if you locate him you will have more exiting things to discuss, i hope that you are not looking to retaliate it only means that you are still hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 I agree with you Zigler, no need to go back and dig what was buried. just move on since you already decided to leave your wife so just leave her, her "history" and her future too. you should focus on yourself make sure you are not holding any grudge that will continue to haunt you. you should forget about the OM too i see that you joked that if you locate him you will have more exiting things to discuss, i hope that you are not looking to retaliate it only means that you are still hurt. You are probably right - in theory. But it's only couple of weeks since I learned about what was the last straw to me and details keep coming. So yes I'm angry as hell and having hard time containing and not exposing my anger. So yes I'm looking to retaliate - again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 You are probably right - in theory. But it's only couple of weeks since I learned about what was the last straw to me and details keep coming. So yes I'm angry as hell and having hard time containing and not exposing my anger. So yes I'm looking to retaliate - again. Again?? I'm all for payback/revenge!!! Those that know me know this....especially my wife!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 I looked for revenge, got it and will NEVER give up opportunistically looking for more. There are a few people previously in my life on that list. One is a kid who lived near me 30 years ago and jumped me with his friends, beat the hell out of me. Can you guys tell that I am nearly 100% Irish? It's probably not healthy, but whatever. Unfortunately it's tough to find a path where you are the one to beat the living hell out of him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 So yes I'm looking to retaliate - again. In what fashion, Zinger? Against the OM or your soon-to-be-ExWife? Or both? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted August 30, 2015 Author Share Posted August 30, 2015 In what fashion, Zinger? Against the OM or your soon-to-be-ExWife? Or both? Against the OM. I don't know (yet) in what fashion. What I know is they both knew what they are doing. He knew he's destroying people's life for quick pleasure , some ego boost and maybe even gifts. She is paying her price - leaving aside her feelings towards the husband she lost (may not be a big deal after a while), I'm talking about loss of lifestyle, need to search for a new partner (not that she'll have any troubles with this by still). I think he has to pay his, now when I have time to think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 You are probably right - in theory. But it's only couple of weeks since I learned about what was the last straw to me and details keep coming. So yes I'm angry as hell and having hard time containing and not exposing my anger. So yes I'm looking to retaliate - again. Be careful, bud. An arrest can follow you for longer than you think. I was arrested for pushing my wife out the front door (she fell and scraped her hand). I spent 15 hours in jail and six months completing a program to avoid an assault conviction. Even though I was not convicted, the mugshot shows up easily in a Google search for my name. Explaining the arrest to potential employers and volunteer groups is also not a walk in the park. You may find some temporary satisfaction in exacting some revenge, only to find that you're the one that pays the price over the long term. In my state, arrests for assault cannot be expunged so I'll have it show up on background checks indefinitely. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 He knew he's destroying people's life for quick pleasure , some ego boost and maybe even gifts. I think you are mistaken here. Most people who engage in this type of behavior do so because - like your wife - they believe they will not get caught and there will be no repercussions. So they do not KNOW they are "destroying people's lives." They don't KNOW that at all and it isn't something that even crosses their mind. Your wife probably believed the same thing. She never entered into this situation KNOWING it was going to destroy you or her. Now perhaps that reasoning is a good argument for enacting some form of vengeance against the OM. So that he learns how much he did destroy. I can see why that is a compelling argument and I can see why you would feel this way. I'm not trying to persuade you one way or another; just show you that your mindset that these people acted with intention to hurt and destroy is a misnomer. They did what they did out of pure selfishness and complete thoughtlessness to others. Link to post Share on other sites
italianjob Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 zinger, I personally see nothing wrong with getting revenge, if one has the chance to do it. I would anyway avoid: - physically hurting anyone (that would make you the wrongdoer). - doing something illegal. I think there are ways a smart man like you can bring trouble to someone who deserves it avoiding both points above Be patient and creative. I know, many will tell you it's just vindictive. Well, yeah, it is... So what? Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 zinger, I personally see nothing wrong with getting revenge, if one has the chance to do it. I would anyway avoid: - physically hurting anyone (that would make you the wrongdoer). - doing something illegal. I think there are ways a smart man like you can bring trouble to someone who deserves it avoiding both points above Be patient and creative. I know, many will tell you it's just vindictive. Well, yeah, it is... So what? Good post.... I might add, that there's rarely any benefit to revenge other than the satisfaction that they have "punished" someone. There's a few downsides, one being that you can get retaliation where they go after you, even if it just vindictive, just to hurt you for hurting them.... and then you get into a battle, nothing good about it. BUT, have at it, just be careful. One thing I'll strongly argue... is NEVER, EVER get physical, especially with a woman. You'll usually end up with more problems that you've solved. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Zinger, you already succeeded in getting revenge against your wife, she has lost you from her life. O/M isn't your problem, all your wife had to do is say no. Report the watch stolen, give the police his name. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
italianjob Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Good post.... I might add, that there's rarely any benefit to revenge other than the satisfaction that they have "punished" someone. There's a few downsides, one being that you can get retaliation where they go after you, even if it just vindictive, just to hurt you for hurting them.... and then you get into a battle, nothing good about it. BUT, have at it, just be careful. One thing I'll strongly argue... is NEVER, EVER get physical, especially with a woman. You'll usually end up with more problems that you've solved. Some people find that the satisfaction of standing up for yourself an not let someone have their way with your life and get away unscathed is, indeed, a valuable benefit. I think zinger is one of those people. I think he can find a way to have his satisfaction without going physical and without breaking the law, and if he can, I see nothing wrong with it... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Some people find that the satisfaction of standing up for yourself an not let someone have their way with your life and get away unscathed is, indeed, a valuable benefit. I think zinger is one of those people. I think he can find a way to have his satisfaction without going physical and without breaking the law, and if he can, I see nothing wrong with it... Oh, I agree... nothing wrong with it (as laws are not broken)... and, yes, it's fairly easy to cause him some serious damage. In fact there are some good books on revenge. But, other than just the satisfaction, there is little upside, and some potential down side. But if that's what one wants, have at it. (but keep us posted, we'd like to see how it turns out<g>) Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Mind of Shazam Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Ah, I'm as vindicate as the next guy, but you evened the score with your wife. If anyone should get revenge on the guy, it's her. He has cost her dearly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cressida Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Zinger....don't do anything 'silly', like everyone else suggested. It simply isn't worth it. You might want some retribution, and to inflict some sort of 'pain' on that man, but in most cases (that I understood, reading on this forum mostly), the 'main part' of the fault lies with the cheating spouse. You don't know how they met and how it all started, the really deep, personal thing that I am sure your ex-wife didn't really elaborate on. You cannot know, or be sure, about what she told him and what really went on between them. Perhaps she told him she was unhappy, she was neglected, the 'spark' was gone, she needed to 'find herself again' and all that yadda yadda. You just cannot know. Yes, he was a big douche for getting involved with someone else's wife. No misunderstanding about that part. But to focus your energy and precious resources such as time and mental peace on a third party who only took what was 'for grabs'....just doesn't seem to be a perfect solution. I am also sure that no man in his right mind would ever start and affair with a woman who blatantly tells him 'yo bud, I'm married and love my husband, you're here just to satisfy my carnal needs in his absence. Now zip up and off you go!'. It just doesn't happen that way. I'm not saying that what the 'artist' guy did was right, or minimizing your pain and need for payback. However, your main 'target' should be the betraying spouse, not a virtual stranger that SHE chose to share a bed with. I am sure he didn't force her into anything. You sound like a very well-spoken, educated and articulated man and in a way, I can sense a smidgen of 'White Knight'-ery in you. I am saying this with no intention to offend you, on the contrary- you're 'too good', Zinger. You are still concerned about her future, her finances, etc., when you should be focusing to erase her completely from your life. Don't punish everyone, including yourself, and only allow her to live the normal consequence of her actions- divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Some people find that the satisfaction of standing up for yourself an not let someone have their way with your life and get away unscathed is, indeed, a valuable benefit. I think zinger is one of those people. I think he can find a way to have his satisfaction without going physical and without breaking the law, and if he can, I see nothing wrong with it... I like the wording of this, it's very accurate. To briefly address some other points: no I'm not going to break the law - I'm not giving him the opportunity to have the last laugh if I end up with the record. But I'm going to use all resources available to me as soon as it does not compromise my long term plans. No I'm not going to hurt her (to address some earlier posters whose posts can be interpreted that way). Now probably the most controversial part. I understand and take onboard your suggestions about my wife being mostly responsible for all this calamity and OM being just a vessel for her indiscretion . However during last couple of days as I have learned from her the sequence of events and techniques he was using to hey what he wanted. In my opinion they were cynical, calculated and deliberate. This does not change my resolve to leave her behind, we are done for good, bit makes him a very personal target for my anger rather than an abstract "virtual" OM. I'll see if I can find words and strength to post details here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Thanks Zing, We're here for ya when you want to flesh it out. One small advice -- she likely will not be able to move on quickly or easily as you intimated above. She is going to be under intense social stigma (even if it's self-perceived) for quick some time. Now she'll be able to get laid - any female can - but for the time being atleast she is not relationship material with someone that I think she would consider a suitable mate. You, on the other hand, are going to be just fine. American women love a guy with a sad tale. You're going to clean up here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Zinger Most of my adult life I have been a partier, ladies man. I had a great sex life. After the break up of my marriage, I found myself in a brand new large metropolitan area, and not knowing the ropes. By that I mean had I still lived back in my home town, I had a net work of friends, and could easily have gotten back into the dating game. But not so, where I had moved, I had zero friends. So my sex life died for about 3 weeks, that is when I discovered married women. Married women had always been taboo. The scary thing was married women were easy. All you had to do was to become their friend. Later, after I moved to a new apartment complex, I met a couple of guys who were totally into married women. Total players, like actors in a play they had their routine down, they even practiced their lines that they fed the ladies. And they were very successful. I suspect that the OM was a similar player. Right from the get go, he realized she had some bucks, and was setting her up to get her to spend time and her money with him. It is almost criminal. If you have the means, such as a good PI, I would bet your STBXW was not the first victim who gave him gifts. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Report the watch stolen, give the police his name. Do not under any circumstance follow this suggestion. You will end up battling a charge of filing a false police report. Everyone involved knows the watch was not stolen. This course of action will bite you in the butt. Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Revenge isn't beating the **** out of him or trumping him up on a fake charge. It's tracking the guy, knowing what he is doing and knowing that he is a douche who WILL mess up again... and when he does you'll be the one to press the button. Like if he gets a new job simply call in a complaint that you went in to inquire about a sign and the guy at the desk was rude to you and you walked about. Never do this again, it's just these little, small things which will eventually crumble him. The smartest revenge is to hide in the shadows and opportunistically pull strings. The biggest benefit is patience. I have a guy I've been waiting to get for 25 years. And I will. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 We had a neighbor couple, got along really well with them. But didn't really know what went on behind the doors, you know? Turns out, he was a pompous, egotistical ass, especially to his wife; we only saw the charming guy. She was sweet, nice, always helpful and giving. She cheated on him when she visited another state. Husband finds out, goes there and puts the guy in the hospital. Literally. And of course kicks her out. So we're working on our yard one day and he comes by, says he's having an open house to sell his house. Happens to mention putting the guy in the hospital, as I asked where his wife had been the past few weeks. I was a little dismayed. Tells us, rather gleefully, that he kicked her out with nothing and that, in fact, her OM was getting out of the hospital this week, so he was heading back up to that city and put him right back in the hospital. That's the last time I talked to him. Good riddance. And for only the second time, I found myself rooting for the cheating wife. (but I'm glad she got away from him) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Revenge isn't beating the **** out of him or trumping him up on a fake charge. It's tracking the guy, knowing what he is doing and knowing that he is a douche who WILL mess up again... and when he does you'll be the one to press the button.cheaterville.com goes a long way toward doing that. Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 cheaterville.com goes a long way toward doing that. You must be a historian, Turnera. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Well I'm not surprised if I come out as "egotistical ass", since many have told me that for treating her harshly and not giving her the chance. And many have been rooting for my wife (even me in a way). At least I'm not kicking her out with nothing - I have an written evidence of that on my desk in front of me now. We had a neighbor couple, got along really well with them. But didn't really know what went on behind the doors, you know? Turns out, he was a pompous, egotistical ass, especially to his wife; we only saw the charming guy. She was sweet, nice, always helpful and giving. She cheated on him when she visited another state. Husband finds out, goes there and puts the guy in the hospital. Literally. And of course kicks her out. So we're working on our yard one day and he comes by, says he's having an open house to sell his house. Happens to mention putting the guy in the hospital, as I asked where his wife had been the past few weeks. I was a little dismayed. Tells us, rather gleefully, that he kicked her out with nothing and that, in fact, her OM was getting out of the hospital this week, so he was heading back up to that city and put him right back in the hospital. That's the last time I talked to him. Good riddance. And for only the second time, I found myself rooting for the cheating wife. (but I'm glad she got away from him) Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Well I'm not surprised if I come out as "egotistical ass", since many have told me that for treating her harshly and not giving her the chance. And many have been rooting for my wife (even me in a way). At least I'm not kicking her out with nothing - I have an written evidence of that on my desk in front of me now. wow you must live in a country or a society that sees infidelity as any other mistake not a huge red line once crossed there will be no way back. I live in the US and noticed that here the majority of people sees infidelity as red line vs Europe, Canada or Japan Link to post Share on other sites
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