To bust or not to bust

[nightmare01]

Correct, he is. That's why I blame him. That is what I got out of her, because knowing her for all these years I couldn't understand how did she managed to do what she's done without being madly in love with him.

 

1. He is a total opposite of me - physical build, wealth, profession, interests, character, etc. He played this well. Especially when I was really the only man in hey life before.

 

2. As I posted she helped me to turn around when we were young. So she was feeling that after all these years she is helping someone else (motherly stuff)

 

3. Add her interest in arts to the mix. NOt that I was not supportive, she had everything she needed there, but he became her "art soul mate", became almost like a "project"'to her.

 

4. He played carefully and took it slowly. What I mean is he created an environment when everything was happening in small increments. And where each next step was kind of making sense on the context of the previous. Like "I've invested so much so far so I can make just this small step".

 

 

I obviously asked her what was she feeling when she allowed "this" to happen - was she in love, did she want him, etc. She told me (and I believe this) she was just feeling not strong enough to say no, after all previous steps.

 

At any time if he would make one wrong step - she would break the line. But he didn't and she didn't.

 

Sounds a lot like my WW's OM. Serial cheater, and actually had a pretty low level of respect for women, which is why he played games and manipulated them as he did. Seems like some people out there are just professional cheaters.

[zinger]

You have said that you have helped her family and yours both finically and by solving problems. Do you think that they want you to forgive her to keep you in the country? That way you can continue to help them.

 

To be clear I was helping financially her family only.

 

Mine is very wealthy and "we don't speak of evil" type. I am / was "roll up my sleeves and get hands dirty" guy in it, but the reason they are pushing me to reconcile is because they always "knew what's best for me".

 

Plus they love her as daughter.

[zinger]

i was wondering if you sticked it to her (WW). that her OM is going around town bragging about his easy lay & sugar mommy!

 

put that to her as a reason your leaving town. that should freak her out.

 

She knows.

[zinger]

Thanks, bit this isn't going to work for me. I value doing above writing.

 

 

I can't agree with this. OP, do you want to be waiting 25 years to get revenge on someone? Do you want to wait 5 days?

 

What sort of state of mind do you think that will foment? Nothing healthy, I promise you.

 

Sometimes when you lose, you really win. And only time reveals that. But you have to be open to the idea. If you're going to live your life in anticipation of settling a score, you won't be open to this idea. You're too busy trying to win back something that is gone for good.

 

You have to also accept the fact that your wife is no innocent in this game. She played her part, quite ably. Without her full cooperation, that guy would not be in the picture.

 

Wanting revenge is perfectly normal and natural. And I encourage you to carry it out in writing. That's what I did. Write all of the horrible things you'd like to do to that guy. I wrote mine in Turkey surrounded by a Muslim population, walking through the Grand Bazaar and muezzhin cries from a mosque set it off. I had my notebook with me and I stopped and sat and wrote pages of how I wanted to mangle the guy's face and brain with a broken bottle. And that is my memory. That is the action film I dedicate to myself, the retaking of my dignity. It had everything---exotic location, strange faces and a deafening score. And the film ended. I don't care anymore. It was just some dumb action film, anyway.

 

Get to work on your crappy action film.

[Furious]

To be clear I was helping financially her family only.

 

Mine is very wealthy and "we don't speak of evil" type. I am / was "roll up my sleeves and get hands dirty" guy in it, but the reason they are pushing me to reconcile is because they always "knew what's best for me".

 

Plus they love her as daughter.

 

My guess is your family are either rug sweepers or they have more in common with a cheater than they'd like to admit.

 

There's a saying..."you can choose your friends but cannot choose your family"

[qubist]

Ziegler: if I may ask, what are the chances you would forgive your wife and go back to her? Is it really 0%?

[drifter777]

Zinger .never underestimate the power of a manipulator, not to defend her infidelity by the artist was good at controlling her, I have read a lot about sexual predators and some of their techniques.Sorry that you are a victim but believe or not she is too in my opinion.

I hope you are doing what it takes to cope and move on

I cannot accept this for a single second.

 

zinger: I understand your mindset right now toward OM because, after all, he was completely material in your WW's cheating. However, I have never had any focused anger with the guys my wife screwed because I always saw them as random guys who jumped at the chance for easy, no-strings sex. Most guys won't pass that up.

 

There's a saying in this country - maybe yours too - that goes "You can't cheat an honest man". Applying it to infidelity, this means that a guy can't get into your wife's pants without her being complicit. At a minimum, she participated in the initial flirting, didn't slow down when the conversations got sexual, and was ready & willing when it was time to get naked.

 

No matter how handsome and smooth a man is he cannot nail a woman who doesn't want to be nailed.

[zinger]

Agree with everything except #3.

 

No strings attached was the "Americanism"'I have probably misused.

 

Let me give you the context.

 

Apparently the OM is known for trying to get with ladies form my circles so to speak.

 

This women contacted me and the story was that a while ago she learned that there is a relationship in progress between the OM and beg best friend, which she managed to break up because he's no good for her. Note. I personally believe she was talking about herself.

 

Later on she and OM bumped into each other and he bragged that "he can get even a married women, better looking than her, who not only sleeps with him but also opens her wallet".

At the moment she dismissed this, but when the rumour my divorce got out, she added two and two and contacted me.

 

So yeah, he anticipated the "what have I done" moment of your ask me, he just not expected fit her to stay with him.

 

As a lot of people seem to be very worried about your revenge on the OM, I will state again that I think you are entitled to it and that I see no moral obligation on your part not to exact that revenge if that's what you want.

 

I just hope you won't end up taking that revenge on yourself, so my advice is:

- to avoid doing him physical harm (you would lower yourself too much)

- to avoid doing anything illegal (you could ruin your own life)

- to avoid making an obsession out of it (you would ruin your health)

....

 

That said, I must say I have to agree with what many posters are pointing out about your wife being as much of a manipulator as the OM, and about her naivete being "suspicious" given the facts.

 

1 - She kept it all hidden from the start. She knew where this was going, or she would not have gone to such lenghts to keep you in the dark. I think she wanted this to turn physical from the very start, consciously or not.

 

2 - Since you busted her she continued to lie to you while manipulating friends and families into taking her side and pressuring you. This is in no way naive, this is a lucid plan.

 

3 - The OM bragged about a married lady sleeping with him "no strings attached", not about how he could seduce a reluctant wife into bed. That means he didn't perceive any "What have I done" moment from her. It sounds like she took exactly what she wanted, just like him.

 

Just my two cents.

[TX-SC]

Damn, that has to be the most frustrating thing ever. Having a "player" play your wife... I hate people like that, so if my wife was stupid enough to fall for it, I don't think I would reconcile either.

 

So, how are things with you? Are you still moving away and starting a new life and new job?

 

Any recent contact with the STBXW?

[tomcook]

I cannot accept this for a single second.

 

zinger: I understand your mindset right now toward OM because, after all, he was completely material in your WW's cheating. However, I have never had any focused anger with the guys my wife screwed because I always saw them as random guys who jumped at the chance for easy, no-strings sex. Most guys won't pass that up.

 

There's a saying in this country - maybe yours too - that goes "You can't cheat an honest man". Applying it to infidelity, this means that a guy can't get into your wife's pants without her being complicit. At a minimum, she participated in the initial flirting, didn't slow down when the conversations got sexual, and was ready & willing when it was time to get naked.

 

No matter how handsome and smooth a man is he cannot nail a woman who doesn't want to be nailed.

 

Can't agree with you more there. I had to listen to a similar load of bull when it all first happened to me 7 months ago. WW said that she didn't expect it, and that the guys made the first move, and it just sorta happened. Things don't just sorta happen if you're not complicit, and if they do, that's a whole different thing.

[zinger]

If I understand this correctly, he was asking her to fund his move to the new place ? Was it in official capacity or a personal one ?Can't help but think that he was blackmailing her.

 

God, I wish he was blackmailing get or spiked her drink. At the very least I could argue with Drifter (his last post). But I can't.

 

She never tried to suggest that. Probably knowing that I'd instantly file charges against him, then find him, put him to the hospital and hand myself to police being a happy man. So the truth would come out.

 

She was helping him personally. This is an expensive city and rent in good areas is hard to come by. Landlords are picky and don't rent to strangers unless they pay a substantial security bond, have a character referee or the renting record in similar places.

 

So she was helping with finding the place, with references and the plan was to help with the bond.

 

Don't ask me how he was going to afford the rent...

[drifter777]

Can't agree with you more there. I had to listen to a similar load of bull when it all first happened to me 7 months ago. WW said that she didn't expect it, and that the guys made the first move, and it just sorta happened. Things don't just sorta happen if you're not complicit, and if they do, that's a whole different thing.

 

Yeah, it's called sexual assault. No man or woman has affair sex against their will.

[drifter777]

God, I wish he was blackmailing get or spiked her drink. At the very least I could argue with Drifter (his last post). But I can't.

 

She never tried to suggest that. Probably knowing that I'd instantly file charges against him, then find him, put him to the hospital and hand myself to police being a happy man. So the truth would come out.

 

She was helping him personally. This is an expensive city and rent in good areas is hard to come by. Landlords are picky and don't rent to strangers unless they pay a substantial security bond, have a character referee or the renting record in similar places.

 

So she was helping with finding the place, with references and the plan was to help with the bond.

 

Don't ask me how he was going to afford the rent...

 

You know your WW was going to pay his rent, right?

 

If my wife had been paying a guy to screw her - which is what your wife was doing - I could never look at her again. I mean, come on - it's like saying I picked up a chick walking the street, took her to a hotel and had sex, and then I financially "helped" her. Or at least the Sugar Daddy / Sugar Baby relationship where she gives him the "girlfriend experience" in return for rent and an allowance and expensive watches.

 

I'm really not trying to smear your WW - I just want you to keep it real. I truly hope she's learned a tough, life-lesson and will be a better person and partner in her next relationship.

[CarrieT]

Zinger, how have you been doing? Any word on the U.S. gig?

[zinger]

Zinger, how have you been doing? Any word on the U.S. gig?

 

Carrie, thanks for asking. I'm fine considering the circumstances. US gig did come through, I've got the job and will be starting my 5y. contract after Christmas. Actually i did return fromthe States a few days ago. It was note as per originally agreed schedule but everything worked out well. So I have 3 months to transfer my current business to save hands .

 

My divorce application has passed all checkpoints and gates, so I'm just waiting for the end of cooling off period.

 

On the personal front, it is hard to detach, won't lie about it, but I'm getting through. Using an opportunity to fresh start my life again as an excuse sort of.

 

The pressure on me to return "to the family" doesn't fade and it looks like my X is committing hey life to get me back and showing remorse . And it's nice and touching and does deserve a recognition and admittedly i miss good days. However I just can't force myself to be with her. Guess I'm not that strong as people thought. Now she wants to fly to the States to be beat me.

[merrmeade]

Can't agree with you more there. I had to listen to a similar load of bull when it all first happened to me 7 months ago. WW said that she didn't expect it, and that the guys made the first move, and it just sorta happened. Things don't just sorta happen if you're not complicit, and if they do, that's a whole different thing.

I cannot accept this for a single second.

 

zinger: I understand your mindset right now toward OM because, after all, he was completely material in your WW's cheating. However, I have never had any focused anger with the guys my wife screwed because I always saw them as random guys who jumped at the chance for easy, no-strings sex. Most guys won't pass that up.

 

There's a saying in this country - maybe yours too - that goes "You can't cheat an honest man". Applying it to infidelity, this means that a guy can't get into your wife's pants without her being complicit. At a minimum, she participated in the initial flirting, didn't slow down when the conversations got sexual, and was ready & willing when it was time to get naked.

 

No matter how handsome and smooth a man is he cannot nail a woman who doesn't want to be nailed.

Hey, believe it or not, this is not just limited to women - saying or implying that they are victims of the AP's aggression, manipulation or other wiles. If a WS - H or W - can convince the BS that it was all the AP's fault and the WS wasn't prepared or experienced or sophisticated enough to realize, resist or cope with such blatant sexual aggression or manipulation, well, why wouldn't they try it.

 

My husband was a big man, extremely virile-looking and movie-star gorgeous but presents himself as a victim - set upon, powerless. Do I believe him? Yes and no. I believe that he always blames others for everything bad or wrong in his life. Do I care or feel sorry for him because he's like that? No, I do not and he knows it - now.

[MeetMeOnLevel4]

I think everyone in a relationship is in control of their actions. It's important to understand who you are what you want in your life and be true to that even if you end up in an A. Fess up to it and don't blame the AP.

[qubist]

Carrie, thanks for asking. I'm fine considering the circumstances. US gig did come through, I've got the job and will be starting my 5y. contract after Christmas. Actually i did return fromthe States a few days ago. It was note as per originally agreed schedule but everything worked out well. So I have 3 months to transfer my current business to save hands .

 

My divorce application has passed all checkpoints and gates, so I'm just waiting for the end of cooling off period.

 

On the personal front, it is hard to detach, won't lie about it, but I'm getting through. Using an opportunity to fresh start my life again as an excuse sort of.

 

The pressure on me to return "to the family" doesn't fade and it looks like my X is committing hey life to get me back and showing remorse . And it's nice and touching and does deserve a recognition and admittedly i miss good days. However I just can't force myself to be with her. Guess I'm not that strong as people thought. Now she wants to fly to the States to be beat me.

Zinger: good luck in your new adventure in life. I don't think you lacked strength when you disregarded any possibility of saving your marriage, the route you have chosen is not easy at all and will require you to be strong in order to move on. I think divorce was in your mind inevitable so you will have to make it work for you. who knows what happen in the future, if you decide to avail yourself to date again you may be in a position to forgive her.

[drifter777]

The pressure on me to return "to the family" doesn't fade and it looks like my X is committing hey life to get me back and showing remorse . And it's nice and touching and does deserve a recognition and admittedly i miss good days. However I just can't force myself to be with her. Guess I'm not that strong as people thought. Now she wants to fly to the States to be beat me.

 

Yeah, once you separate it's very typical to dwell on the good times. You spent years together and had many good times and that's what you tend to dwell on at this point. You need to be realistic and balance out the sugar with the salt. There were plenty of tough times and many things you didn't like about being married to her. Before her disengaging and cheating your life was better with her than without her or you wouldn't feel such angst about it all now. But don't torture yourself now with feelings of love you never had when you were together. Most people do this so be aware you are likely doing it too.

[No Limit]

Now she wants to fly to the States to be beat me.

 

I hope you didn't tell her where you're going to live.

[zinger]

if you decide to avail yourself to date again you may be in a position to forgive her.

 

i won't pretend this has never crossed my mind but this is extremely unlikely. I know one should never say never but I'd much prefer someone who realises the impact of this stuff before not after the fact.

 

Not sure if cross posting is a right thing to do by forum etiquette, but what No Limit has posted on other thread does have certain rationale.

[zinger]

I hope you didn't tell her where you're going to live.

 

For the record the last sentence of my post should read "to be near me" NOT "to be beat me". I thought my typing will be better on Note 5, wrong.

 

Answering your post No Limit , no i didn't. However i didn't keep it a military grade secret either so she probably knows or could know at least the state/city.

 

I tend to belive that this humiliation, willingness to do anything "you just name it"barrage of casks and messages and desire to be with me in any capacity will last til after Christmas. Wouldn't be surprised if the starts dating at that time.

[qubist]

I know one should never say never but I'd much prefer someone who realises the impact of this stuff before not after the fact

 

Everyone looks at this differently, it's all about the " gambling" personality. Personally I see the one that's for sure realizes the impact, even after the fact, is safer than the unknown.

[italianjob]

Everyone looks at this differently, it's all about the " gambling" personality. Personally I see the one that's for sure realizes the impact, even after the fact, is safer than the unknown.

 

"The devil you know" theory is absolutely the worst reason to reconcile, and has no footing in reality.

 

The only thing zinger knows for sure now, is that his xW was perfectly capable of cheating on him and lying about it for months after being caught, looking at him in the eye.

 

A new white page may be better, worse or the same, but you know for sure what happened in the old one.

[No Limit]

I tend to belive that this humiliation, willingness to do anything "you just name it"barrage of casks and messages and desire to be with me in any capacity will last til after Christmas. Wouldn't be surprised if the starts dating at that time.

 

Well, she needs to show her family that she's doing her best, otherwise her "good wife show" would fail.

Aside from that, can she afford being a sugar mommy on her own?