To bust or not to bust

[zinger]

Well, she needs to show her family that she's doing her best, otherwise her "good wife show" would fail.

Aside from that, can she afford being a sugar mommy on her own?

 

Well, I tend to believe this is not a show; I just don't expect it to last. Even the most sincere and genuine woman i assume will grow tired rather sooner than later. Doesn't mean you are incorrect though.

 

In terms of things she can afford on her own: I'm not sure what kind of financial portfolio is required to be a sugar mommy (it is my understanding that she will try to find good reliable financially stable partner in think). Let me tell you this: She will be ok, not financially kicked to the curb, she will have job, the place to live, the car, etc. and she won't have to survive on junk food.

 

But she will have to work full time and won't be able to afford to refuse promotions busy because they would interfere with the lifestyle .

 

She can't not afford the house on hey own (without my family owning it ).

No more ( at least until she makes a career on her own) new sports car as frequently as new novel appears on the market. And she will have to save, nor being encouraged to spend more (year i was doing this for years, though an idea of buying gifts for another man was not exactly what I had in mind ).

 

This may sound shallow but that is how things are from these days onwards.

[Clay]

Its a fact of life. My xW said she never cared about the money or the fact she had a home of her own. Here she is 8 years later living with her mom waiting to go to jail for drugs.

 

I think you did the right thing and stuck to your morals and beliefs. She will have to learn her own lessons in life as well.

 

C

[drifter777]

She will begin to recover quickly as soon as she begins to go out with her friends. She's used to guys hitting on her but now it's going to feel especially flattering. After a couple of fun nights out with the gal's she's just not going to say "no" when some guy starts putting the moves on her and, well, you know the rest.

 

As you say, she won't wait forever. I also agree that it's likely to be sooner than later. It's just so damn easy for a woman to get laid and as soon as she starts socializing it's going to happen.

 

By the way, are you planning on dating soon? It would do you good to have a nice evening with a nice girl.

[merrmeade]

zinger, just wanted to share a couple of observations.

 

First, you've taken care of yourself well. I think it helped that you were already in a clear place about expectations and boundaries for your marriage, which you'd also conveyed to your wife. Yes, discovery of her infidelity and deceit deeply disturbed you, but your feelings were normal and you did not block them or become incapacitated by them. Therefore, though at first I thought you weren't giving counseling a chance, I now believe that your basic, concrete goals (ie, getting truth Re PA), your ways of coping (ie, new job in another country) and using LS have enabled you to move forward.

 

Second - for the same reasons that you're doing so well - I predict that these questions about what she'll do will come to bother you less and less over time. Personally, I think she'll bounce back fairly quickly and recovery will - MUST - include a relationship with a man. Think about it: As an exposed - very exposed - WS, she's lost face and lives in shame and regret. The first time she feels ready to accept a man's understanding and empathy, flattery and

his skill shower her with attention, she'll gobble it up. It's the one thing she knows makes her feel great - not crappy, sh-tty because she wrecked a lot of kj

[merrmeade]

zinger, just wanted to share a couple of observations.

 

First, you've taken care of yourself well. I think it helped that you were already in a clear place about expectations and boundaries for your marriage, which you'd also conveyed to your wife. Yes, discovery of her infidelity and deceit deeply disturbed you, but your feelings were normal and you did not block them or become incapacitated by them. Therefore, though at first I thought you weren't giving counseling a chance, I now believe that your basic, concrete goals (ie, getting truth Re PA), your ways of coping (ie, new job in another country) and using LS have enabled you to move forward.

 

Second, I think she'll bounce back fairly quickly and recovery will - MUST - include a relationship with a man. Think about it: As an exposed - very exposed - WS, she's lost face and lives in shame and regret. But when opportunity comes again or she'll be more than ready for the attention and flattery. She already knows how to get it, and she will.

 

But - for the same reasons that you're doing so well now - I predict that questions about what she'll do will occupy you less and less over time. You've already (a) done the honorable and just thing by her financially, (b) seen fully who she really was and is, and © understood your own inability to pursue reconciliation. You owe her nothing; you can't be surprised; you're removing yourself and all hope - on your part - for her redemption. That's not to say you wouldn't be happy if she does change - just that you're not watching or waiting.

 

She's legitimately her own agent, but her resources and natural inclinations simply will not be enough to develop better patterns and choices and

Edited September 24, 2015 by merrmeade

[zinger]

Its a fact of life. My xW said she never cared about the money or the fact she had a home of her own. Here she is 8 years later living with her mom waiting to go to jail for drugs.

 

C

 

Angry as I am, I don't wish her to end up like this. Has your xW

ever attempted to connect you during these 8 years?

[zinger]

She will begin to recover quickly as soon as she begins to go out with her friends. She's used to guys hitting on her but now it's going to feel especially flattering. After a couple of fun nights out with the gal's she's just not going to say "no" when some guy starts putting the moves on her and, well, you know the rest.

 

As you say, she won't wait forever. I also agree that it's likely to be sooner than later. It's just so damn easy for a woman to get laid and as soon as she starts socializing it's going to happen.

 

By the way, are you planning on dating soon? It would do you good to have a nice evening with a nice girl.

 

You probably right though at them moment she seems to want me back more each day.

 

In terms of dating myself - honestly never crossed my mind. Do you have anyone in mind?

 

Anyway I'm extremely busy and will be till I relocate. Thanks for advice as good as always.

[zinger]

Thanks a lot, that was valuable. You are correct, counseling is not for me.

 

 

zinger, just wanted to share a couple of observations.

 

First, you've taken care of yourself well. I think it helped that you were already in a clear place about expectations and boundaries for your marriage, which you'd also conveyed to your wife. Yes, discovery of her infidelity and deceit deeply disturbed you, but your feelings were normal and you did not block them or become incapacitated by them. Therefore, though at first I thought you weren't giving counseling a chance, I now believe that your basic, concrete goals (ie, getting truth Re PA), your ways of coping (ie, new job in another country) and using LS have enabled you to move forward.

 

Second, I think she'll bounce back fairly quickly and recovery will - MUST - include a relationship with a man. Think about it: As an exposed - very exposed - WS, she's lost face and lives in shame and regret. But when opportunity comes again or she'll be more than ready for the attention and flattery. She already knows how to get it, and she will.

 

But - for the same reasons that you're doing so well now - I predict that questions about what she'll do will occupy you less and less over time. You've already (a) done the honorable and just thing by her financially, (b) seen fully who she really was and is, and © understood your own inability to pursue reconciliation. You owe her nothing; you can't be surprised; you're removing yourself and all hope - on your part - for her redemption. That's not to say you wouldn't be happy if she does change - just that you're not watching or waiting.

 

She's legitimately her own agent, but her resources and natural inclinations simply will not be enough to develop better patterns and choices and

[SummerDreams]

I've followed your thread and I'm happy to see you are back on your own feet and planning the future. I just wanted to wish you good luck with everything. I hope soon you will be here talking about a new love. Best wishes.

[drifter777]

You probably right though at them moment she seems to want me back more each day.

 

In terms of dating myself - honestly never crossed my mind. Do you have anyone in mind?

 

Anyway I'm extremely busy and will be till I relocate. Thanks for advice as good as always.

 

Once you leave for the States she will start going out. Maybe even before. But I hope you don't blame her because she deserves a chance to be happy just like you. She screwed up your marriage but there's a lot of life ahead of her.

 

Hey - everyone is busy! Dating may not have crossed your mind - I get that. My advice to you is to force it to cross your mind. You have needs and desires so push yourself a little. It will do you good in so many ways.

[eric1]

Step 1: Get to the US

Step 2: Download Tinder

Step 3: Huzzah!

[Clay]

Angry as I am, I don't wish her to end up like this. Has your xW

ever attempted to connect you during these 8 years?

 

Our communication has been mainly about the kids. She has never once apologized for anything she has done. I doubt I will ever hear one too. I can tel you this I really don't care that much anymore.

 

Its hard to deal with at times and I know people say forgiveness is for them but I just don't believe that. Some people will never learn so even if I forgave her what would it really matter. She is still the same person she was when she was with me the only difference is while she is cheating on these guys I never beat her half to death. I never put her in a position where she is now in jail for possession and failure to appear in court. The best thing that could happen for her now is for her to stay in jail and do some serious thinking but I doubt that will happen.

 

I hope you never have to go through any of this.

 

C

[zinger]

Once you leave for the States she will start going out. Maybe even before. But I hope you don't blame her because she deserves a chance to be happy just like you. She screwed up your marriage but there's a lot of life ahead of her.

 

Hey - everyone is busy! Dating may not have crossed your mind - I get that. My advice to you is to force it to cross your mind. You have needs and desires so push yourself a little. It will do you good in so many ways.

 

 

Hmmm. OK. .

[zinger]

Step 1: Get to the US

Step 2: Download Tinder

Step 3: Huzzah!

 

 

This made me laughing. I have imagined doing this while on the plane.

[zinger]

Our communication has been mainly about the kids. She has never once apologized for anything she has done. I doubt I will ever hear one too. I can tel you this I really don't care that much anymore.

 

Its hard to deal with at times and I know people say forgiveness is for them but I just don't believe that. Some people will never learn so even if I forgave her what would it really matter. She is still the same person she was when she was with me the only difference is while she is cheating on these guys I never beat her half to death. I never put her in a position where she is now in jail for possession and failure to appear in court. The best thing that could happen for her now is for her to stay in jail and do some serious thinking but I doubt that will happen.

 

I hope you never have to go through any of this.

 

C

 

Yes. Comparing to this i got out scott free. This is horrible.

[turnera]

Our communication has been mainly about the kids. She has never once apologized for anything she has done. I doubt I will ever hear one too. I can tel you this I really don't care that much anymore.

 

Its hard to deal with at times and I know people say forgiveness is for them but I just don't believe that. Some people will never learn so even if I forgave her what would it really matter. She is still the same person she was when she was with me the only difference is while she is cheating on these guys I never beat her half to death. I never put her in a position where she is now in jail for possession and failure to appear in court. The best thing that could happen for her now is for her to stay in jail and do some serious thinking but I doubt that will happen.

 

I hope you never have to go through any of this.

 

C

Clay, forgiveness IS for YOU. So that you don't wake up angry or bitter or resentful or go to sleep the same way. I had a sh*t of a dad; he ruined a lot of things in my life. I forgave him for being raised to be a sh*t, just so I could let go and stop wringing my hands over the life I didn't get because of him. Maybe look at it as an acceptance that that person is flawed and a one-woman path of destruction and you were just unlucky enough to get caught in their path.

[zinger]

Not sure why and for what exact purpose I'm writing this and for what purpose, guess I'm just venting. Not even sure LS folk can decipher these thoughts. Anyway:

 

During last couple of weeks I have been overwhelmed by constant attempts of my stbX to restore (or should I say het a chance to restore) our relationship. These attempts seem genuine enough for me to find myself "disturbed". In other words if I just met a woman of her qualities showing that kind of interest and desire to be with me I'd be instantly... interested to say the least. What is happening however that each time I'm trying just to entertain the thought of possible communication (just) with her beyond the bare minimum required to sort out the divorce (nothing more than that) I got hit by the hammer of thoughts and images like 'what was she thinking when she was engaging with other man while being in our family routine with me'. I just cannot imagine any women doing that (while loving her husband) and this makes me see her like some sort of alien. Once again, logically and from a 3rd party point of view I'm an idiot throwing away my "happiness" but despite that this is the point when I stop.

 

I'll try to explain it from different angle. About a month/month and a half ago a man who I know very well confined to me that his wife spent a passionate week with some sort of local celebrity while he (the man I know) was away. Once he came home she was unable to hide it and confessed down to the lowest level of details. They have instantly reconciled. At that time I was not paying attention to anything outside my world so I kind of let him out of my mind. I saw them together this morning, they were walking down the esplanade and stopped for a cup of coffee at the cafe I was sitting in (they did not see me). They looked... ordinary. Not shining with happiness like newlywed but not distant, sad, angry, not-looking-at-each-other either. Normal couple. I looked at her and just could not comprehend: was she thinking about her husband when for a week she was waking up in bed with other man? Did she manage to forget she is married or she was like 'ok, I'm married but will do it anyway'? Have they discussed her husband with that celebrity? Is she constantly thinking about what she has done - including this morning when she was telling her husband which coffee does she want to order? What does he really think when he looks at her? Is it as easy as just back to normal? Would she be able to continue being with him if he was as angry as I am even at times)? Does he looks at her high heels shoes and imagine them on the floor in that hotel room?

 

I have the same thoughts when I think about my stbX. I don't think I can break that wall, just turn around and walk another way. Stupid.

 

And BTW, I got the bastard. Tick.

[MrBojangles]

And BTW, I got the bastard. Tick.

 

 

What did you do to him?

[m.snow]

just depends on people some cant R some can.

 

good honest to goodness people have it hardest R after a betrayal.

 

but for some who are a bit neutral and are in a grey area they perceive things a bit differently.

 

was the husband also a cheater? that is also another point. had he an EA or PA.

[TobyBoy]

Not sure why and for what exact purpose I'm writing this and for what purpose, guess I'm just venting. Not even sure LS folk can decipher these thoughts. Anyway:

 

During last couple of weeks I have been overwhelmed by constant attempts of my stbX to restore (or should I say het a chance to restore) our relationship. These attempts seem genuine enough for me to find myself "disturbed". In other words if I just met a woman of her qualities showing that kind of interest and desire to be with me I'd be instantly... interested to say the least. What is happening however that each time I'm trying just to entertain the thought of possible communication (just) with her beyond the bare minimum required to sort out the divorce (nothing more than that) I got hit by the hammer of thoughts and images like 'what was she thinking when she was engaging with other man while being in our family routine with me'. I just cannot imagine any women doing that (while loving her husband) and this makes me see her like some sort of alien. Once again, logically and from a 3rd party point of view I'm an idiot throwing away my "happiness" but despite that this is the point when I stop.

 

I'll try to explain it from different angle. About a month/month and a half ago a man who I know very well confined to me that his wife spent a passionate week with some sort of local celebrity while he (the man I know) was away. Once he came home she was unable to hide it and confessed down to the lowest level of details. They have instantly reconciled. At that time I was not paying attention to anything outside my world so I kind of let him out of my mind. I saw them together this morning, they were walking down the esplanade and stopped for a cup of coffee at the cafe I was sitting in (they did not see me). They looked... ordinary. Not shining with happiness like newlywed but not distant, sad, angry, not-looking-at-each-other either. Normal couple. I looked at her and just could not comprehend: was she thinking about her husband when for a week she was waking up in bed with other man? Did she manage to forget she is married or she was like 'ok, I'm married but will do it anyway'? Have they discussed her husband with that celebrity? Is she constantly thinking about what she has done - including this morning when she was telling her husband which coffee does she want to order? What does he really think when he looks at her? Is it as easy as just back to normal? Would she be able to continue being with him if he was as angry as I am even at times)? Does he looks at her high heels shoes and imagine them on the floor in that hotel room?

 

I have the same thoughts when I think about my stbX. I don't think I can break that wall, just turn around and walk another way. Stupid.

 

And BTW, I got the bastard. Tick.

Sweet!!! Can you elaborate?

[TX-SC]

The only way for some people to R is to basically start over. Divorce and do away with what was destroyed, then start dating again. Not everyone can or should R. If a spouse is truly remorseful, it can be done. You would need to talk about these questions with your wife. She may not fully understand the reasons herself at this point. Some people simply have a higher tolerance for these things and see sex as only a minor part of a relationship. That may be where your friend is. Or, they just rugswept it.

 

As for you, you'll have to follow your heart. R is a very hard road to follow. Leaving is much easier. If your wife is truly remorseful, you can try to get through this. But, the questions and mind movies won't go away for years, or maybe never at all.

 

There is no rulebook for cheaters. Some simply don't think of their spouse while cheating. Some do it because of spite or self esteem issues. Some are generally great spouses that slowly allow themselves to get caught up in a fairytale. They mean no harm and they honestly are surprised and shocked at what they have done. It's not any easier for the BS in the latter circumstance, but in these instances the WS is truly ashamed and has real remorse for what they have done.

[eric1]

Zing,

 

It'll drive you nuts thinking that way. Every situation is different, all people are different and all relationships are different.

 

I am successful but work hard and I have a buddy who thinks I'm crazy for blowing so many hours working. On the same hand I think that he is nuts living paycheck to paycheck when he theoretically didn't have to be. Ultimately both of us really aren't right nor are we wrong.

 

Good job on getting the scum bag. Don't let up, get him again.

[drifter777]

Never look at another couple and think for 1 second you understand their relationship.

 

You are asking if it is possible to forget that your wife had nasty sex with some random guy behind your back. The answer is no, you never forget. If you can accept what she did as "just sex" then you might be able to forgive but you will never forget. To me, sex is sacred - something that she saves just for me. When she gives it up to another man she taints our marriage and herself forever. Maybe I can still live with her to make a family for our kids & grandkids but I will never forgive.

 

You don't have kids so I cannot understand why you fret at all over this. She betrayed you and you divorce her and move on. You both deserve the chance to find a partner that you can love and trust.

[Mr Blunt]

By Zinger

They looked... ordinary. Not shining with happiness like newlywed but not distant, sad, angry, not-looking-at-each-other either. Normal couple.

That description seems to be very possible for couples that R. It is also somewhat like my situation with my WW. I am not distant, sad, or angry but I have settled for less than my ideal marriage. Frankly, I did not have my ideal before the Affair so maybe I just got hurt for a few years with the A and now I have a relationship that maybe somewhat like our relationship would be if there was no affair. However, you are in the first year of your betrayal and the situation of not being distant, sad, or angry maybe way too early for you. Your man friend maybe able to help you a lot but I would be very surprised if he got to his point in the first or second year. It took me four years to get to that point however each year I got better.

 

By Zinger

I looked at her and just could not comprehend: was she thinking about her husband when for a week she was waking up in bed with other man? Did she manage to forget she is married or she was like 'ok, I'm married but will do it anyway'?................

Their thinking abandons reality and logic because they are getting fed something that tickles their emotions, ego, and then their clitoris. They are a complete failure in loyalty and you will not be able to figure it out with your logic so do not torture yourself with those questions; you will never get a satisfactory answer. The best that I have been able to come up with is that their selfishness becomes their top priority and then you see the lower nature of mankind.

 

What does he really think when he looks at her? Is it as easy as just back to normal?

NO

 

Would she be able to continue being with him if he was as angry as I am even at times)?

Maybe but they would both be miserable. Chances are the answer to your question would be NO

 

Does he look at her high heels shoes and imagine them on the floor in that hotel room?

Not if he has done the right things for himself for a few years.

 

My wife said that she was remorseful and would do anything that I wanted. I made her prove her words (never believe words only believe actions over a period of years). After four years she proved herself and I remarried her. Now I am “not distant, sad, or angry”, just normal!

 

For my “just normal” state I had to truly forgive. Forgiveness is mostly for you so make sure you get a good understanding of what forgiveness is. There are all kinds of definitions but in the end you must not have ill feelings toward the cheater such as hatred, bitterness, and revenge to name a few. Also, forgiveness for me does NOT mean that you try to interfere with natural consequences. For example, I permanently lost some admiration for my wife and will never trust her 100% in all areas of life. I am not trying to punish her it is just the natural consequences of such a terrible action.

Edited October 2, 2015 by Mr Blunt

[Buckeye2]

From SI:

 

"So I am going through the divorce right now and it is not official yet. The speed of it no longer matters to me since I have no intention of every marrying again. My kids seem to be doing Ok and they are doing well in college. It had been very hard on my daughter since she and I were very close. She is still upset with her mom but she is trying to get over it. It will take some time but she is doing a little better all the time.

 

I am not going to lie I was very happy before her affair. I liked my life and I thought she was happy and loved me. Her affair left me stunned and well shocked. I did not see it coming at all as she seemed happy and in love with me. Now that life is all gone. We no longer live together in our home and I am gone from my friends. I miss them and what we had and it makes me sad when I think about it.

 

And to realize she did this with a piece of crap OM for some fun on the side.

 

Since she cheated it changed the way I looked at her. I was very much in love with her but now I looked at her like she was a used up tramp. I did not want to look at her like that but the thought of her repulsed me. It would not be fair to her to stay with her when another person would probably cherish her and look at her like I use to. She destroyed something inside of me and I did the best for both of us. Really sad it had to come to this. Especially since she would do anything now to go back in time and not lose her family.

 

It has not been easy for my soon to be Ex-Wife either. She has been to counseling and she is showing me that she has remorse and sadness for what she did. It has been hard on her since she lost friends and her guilt has been overwhelming for her. Her family checked her in the hospital for a few days due to being worried about her hurting herself a while back. I of course feel great sadness when I remember what we had and her cheating just destroyed everyone including her.

 

She has been down to where I live checking out the area a couple of times and she has told me she wants to move to Florida to be near me and she wants to try and earn a chance for another try. I have been honest and told her I don’t ever see a time where we will be together. We both have lost a lot over this so when I see her it makes me feel down when I think about what happened to our lives and our family."

 

SpaceGhost