To bust or not to bust

[oldshirt]

In no specific order I'd say:

 

browser history of dating, relationship, breaking up and infidelity sites (perhaps she wanted some changes in romantic aspect of our marriage and infidelity just popped up in the search?)

 

Lack of enthusiasm (unusual) to accompany me on the trip - she loves the place (perhaps she was tired or had our own plans this trip ruined?). Also includes other activities we enjoy together.

 

Change in her office dress habits - more revealing and eye catching (perhaps the same as #1 but why only office attire?)

 

Change in communication dynamics (phone calls, texts, rushing home after work) and reduced attention . Hard to describe but sometimes I felt (only recently) like the one level of priority lower than usual. For example, usually if a family member (I don't want to be more specific here) does something or gets into trouble that would require my help, she'd normally have a words with them about an impact on me (he was tired, busy, how many times does he need to open his wallet) - but not recently, when she looks like she is only worryied about them getting help. I know it's shallow but I do have this feeling. (perhaps the same reason as #2?)

 

Reduced intimacy (no comments here - ladies problems?)

 

Overall loss of mental comfort at home - no justification just intuition.

 

Nothing critical as you may see and each point has its own explanation.

 

On Law and Order they would call this probable cause and it would be enough to get a search warrant.

 

 

I think it is enough to warrant bumping up the search for hard evidence (hard evidence being a previously unknown email account with hundreds of racy emails, a burner phone, discovery of deleted txts, car parked in front of a motel/AP's house/hidden in the park etc, conversations of a romantic/sexual nature picked up on VAR.

 

 

I think you have enough to warrant placing some VARs in strategic locations, key logger programs on computers, searching phone records, looking for burner phone etc.

 

 

If nothing turns up then it's time to bring up why the changes in behavior, there may be something else going on that needs to be addressed.

[merrmeade]

To be clearer -

 

Going to your account online for her cell phone is better to manipulate the data interface and view patterns.

 

Go to the phone carrier site (AT&T, etc), open account with password go to usage for her phone - recent, then month by month. Check to see Calls, then Data/Talk.

 

Click on the top of the categories for the phone numbers. This will sort them chronologically by area code. YOU WILL SEE IF SHE'S CALLING A PARTICULAR NUMBER OFTEN or, more important and more likely, TEXTING a particular number.

 

Then, notice the times of day, days of the week, periods in past months.

 

I discovered a hell of a pattern - almost 1000 calls in 1 year, 500 texts in a 6-mo. period to/from OW. I threw up.

[zinger]

Frisky,

 

I am acting. Depending on the time of the day and whom I'm listening to I may feel good or bad about it, but I'm not stopping the surveillance. I'd better be sorry for not trusting my most trustworthy person for a month than for not finding out in time that this person is not trustworthy.

 

But if it is up to me I'd better spent my time and energy elsewhere.

 

Zinger

 

Im sorry my friend but you can analyze this all you want to but searching infidelity websites is not done for no reason. And that reason is not good for you.

 

If you read this site and others yopu will find a ton of BS, men and women, who got these signs AND the GUT feeeling, ignored it or surpressed it, and then find out it has been going on for months or longer and are devastated not only by the discovery but knowing they had a chance to find out a lot sooner or stop it but this ill placed guilt for snooping prevented it.

 

This thought that your wife will divorce you for not trusting her is nonsense. Why didnt she explain to you why she is searching infidelity and cheating websites. For your information, there is a 50-50 chance she has joined one since you cannot find any phone numbers with a lot of texts. There is an old saying " Better safe than sorry" and you should listen to that and your gut.

 

Now there are people here who DO NOT regard infidelity as that big a deal and if you feel that you will forgive it anyway, then maybe that justifies "sit and wait" and hope. You might want to get a book called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. This book is considered a pretty good source of information on infidelity, and in it she states that when a women cheats it more ofter destroys the marriage because women more often are EMOTIONALLY involved to the OM and are checked out of the marriage before the sex even begins. You do not want to be in that category.

 

By the way, if she has been researching infidelity, she probably came across the tips for cheaters out there, one of which is the "burner" phone. I think you said you had not thought about it. Search everywhere. Her car, her lingerie drawer, anywhere you would not ordinarily look. You simplest way to catch her is the VAR/

 

If you read any books, they will all tell you do not ignore red flags. There was recently a thread here of a guy whose wife was constantly talking about a co worker, texting him, and he got all the standard denials and also felt guilty about snooping and went through about five pages of responses before he finally acted. Guess what he found out??? A full blown affair and he sat there for weeks pondering about snooping. He was so distraught he left the forum.

 

DON"T LET THAT BE YOU!!! You will be sorry you did not act.

[Friskyone4u]

If she is dressing more provacatively and taking longer lunches or coming home late, there is a reason!!!!

 

It sounds like there is a workplace affair brewing or ongoing, and since she has "freedom' at work, it will be harder to detect and stop. The more you post and explain, the more ominous it sounds. And all of those websites are disconcerting.

 

None of them are about "Making my marriage greater". All involve reacting to another man.

[zinger]

I will do that. If I may ask - was this information alone enough for you to confront your wife? Was this the only sign and who is OW?

 

 

To be clearer -

 

Going to your account online for her cell phone is better to manipulate the data interface and view patterns.

 

Go to the phone carrier site (AT&T, etc), open account with password go to usage for her phone - recent, then month by month. Check to see Calls, then Data/Talk.

 

Click on the top of the categories for the phone numbers. This will sort them chronologically by area code. YOU WILL SEE IF SHE'S CALLING A PARTICULAR NUMBER OFTEN or, more important and more likely, TEXTING a particular number.

 

Then, notice the times of day, days of the week, periods in past months.

 

I discovered a hell of a pattern - almost 1000 calls in 1 year, 500 texts in a 6-mo. period to/from OW. I threw up.

[aliveagain]

Many red flags. Any laundry items she has worn but doesn't want you to know about will be hidden at the bottom of the laundry bin. She may also keep a small carry on bag in the trunk of her car with things she doesn't want you to see. If she has a second phone it will be hidden in junk boxes in the garage, in a place you would never consider looking. My ex used to hide it in old coat pockets of coats she never wore anymore hanging way at the back of the closet.

[TobyBoy]

Let me tell you a short version of how I discovered my wife EA.

First the signs.

Detaching from our family.

Staying late for work.

Always drama about her coworkers

Dressing nicer.

Either hot or cold in bedroom.

My gut was screaming!!! What I did was put a var on our landline( no cell phone at the time). I recorded every day. Incoming and outgoing calls. Nothing remotely suspicious for 6 months!!!

Just when I was about to stop the surveillance, she decided to take a few days off from work and catch up with some house cleaning that she had been neglecting for months. First day off...... She calls her EA partner!!! Busted!!!

It had been going on for a year!!! Only talk from work phone or in person.

[BetrayedH]

Phone - yes (not deliberately, but when transferring her contacts and messages to a new phone. Nothing obviously suspicious (excessive calls or texts). Didn't look for apps but there were non of the kind you listed

 

Computer - yes and discovered the search history I mentioned before

 

Facebook - no, she doesn't have it

 

Phone bill - no, didn't think about it. Data usage is probably OK no spikes

 

Financial statements - no outstanding purchases that would catch my eye. But I didn't check for potentially small withdrawals that would.be out of character

 

Search car for the second phone? No, never considered that, are you suggesting she may have a secret phone hidden on her car?

 

Thanks.

 

Look, I don't think you're confident that she's having an affair so I wouldn't say that any of these merit a confrontation with her. When YOU feel like you have irrefutable proof and there's no other reasonable explanation, that's when you do it. All you really have right now is a search history. If that's all it takes, she could just as easily accuse you of cheating right now since you're on an infidelity site. Just keep investigating.

 

Could she have a second phone? Absolutely. That's not uncommon at all. Wayward spouses quickly realize how much more they are on their phone, how the affair partner could call or text at any time (and you pick it up), they know it's a red flag if they suddenly have a password lock, etc.. It's easy to pick up a pre-paid cell phone from a convenience store. That solves almost all of their problems. They hide it in the car and only turn it on when they're available. You could search her normal phone all day and find nothing.

 

Look, I know you have a hard time believing that your wife could go to these lengths. I get it. I was the same way and I was, thus, easily fooled. I never thought my wife capable. We'd been together for 18 years. Married for 12. Two good jobs. Two great kids. Two new cars. Two cats. A house that we'd had built. Everyone we knew saw us as the example of a happy and successful married couple. We counseled a lot of others about how to do it and do it well. Out of the blue, my wife said we might need to separate. I was blindsided. She blamed it on a lot of things. They didn't add up. I started thinking there must be something else. I got the balls to get a GPS. On the first download, I found she'd been to a hotel instead of work. I got lucky guessing her password for the hotel website and found another 12 reservations going back 6 months. I confronted her and she said it was more like 30 going back 13 months. Doing my own digging, I then found it was more like 60-70 hotel stays over that year. They were almost all mid-day trysts with her boss so I didn't notice much at home (except a little longer shifts at work, shorter skirts, higher heels).

 

You'd be amazed what people are capable of. They get all wrapped up in the excitement of this stuff and just go further into the rabbit hole. It's insane and it happens far more than you might think. Your blind trust in your spouse is what makes it possible.

 

Is your wife doing the same thing? I have no idea. But I'd find out.

Edited May 22, 2015 by BetrayedH

[autumnnight]

Did she visit any of those sites or just search them?

Did she search specific websites or just in general terms?

When did she search these sites? Were you at work? Out of town?

 

You called them dating, relationship, etc websites.

 

Are these sites where these topics are discussed (like forums similar to this one or article/help sites). or are these "sign up and find a partner" sites? I sense the answer to this question is crucial. Some are assuming that you mean sites like match or Dolly Madison.

 

I read the list and wondered if they were help sites.

[Morro72]

...Some are assuming that you mean sites like match or Dolly Madison.

Ashley Madison? (Unless the OP suspects his wife is stuffing herself with Donut Gems - is there powdered sugar all over her clothes perhaps? a few extra pounds that can't be accounted for by all that good home cooking? )

 

On other fronts, turning off a laptop in a way that would cause the browser to think it had crashed, as opposed to gracefully shutting it down or closing the lid to put it to sleep, makes it sound like she was in a hurry to get whatever was on the screen out of sight. Another one of these things that may or may not mean anything.

[autumnnight]

Ashley Madison? (Unless the OP suspects his wife is stuffing herself with Donut Gems - is there powdered sugar all over her clothes perhaps? a few extra pounds that can't be accounted for by all that good home cooking? )

 

Ha!

 

True. People don't usually shut down their laptops with things open...unless it hangs up because it is a 500 year old Dell.....

[Seachan]

You've gotten solid advice from those who have walked this painful path, Zinger.

 

Now, to address your marriage, and the malaise or disinterest you are sensing from her. My H and I have not faced an A in our marriage (28 years), but sometimes we need to break patterns to keep things interesting.

 

Can you surprise her at work and take her out for lunch? Bring flowers? Go out for a hand-in-hand stroll after dinner? Does she like seeing theater or musical performances? You can treat her with tickets and accompany her to the event. Do something a little out of the ordinary that you know she enjoys - that normally you would just as soon have her do with girlfriends. Or take her to a nice weekend at a charming B&B. Woo her a little to fan the flames. Maybe your embers are starting to cool.

 

Good luck, zinger.

[gettingstronger]

Checking in on you. Hope you have found some peace and a path.

[No Limit]

You've gotten solid advice from those who have walked this painful path, Zinger.

 

Now, to address your marriage, and the malaise or disinterest you are sensing from her. My H and I have not faced an A in our marriage (28 years), but sometimes we need to break patterns to keep things interesting.

 

Can you surprise her at work and take her out for lunch? Bring flowers? Go out for a hand-in-hand stroll after dinner? Does she like seeing theater or musical performances? You can treat her with tickets and accompany her to the event. Do something a little out of the ordinary that you know she enjoys - that normally you would just as soon have her do with girlfriends. Or take her to a nice weekend at a charming B&B. Woo her a little to fan the flames. Maybe your embers are starting to cool.

 

Good luck, zinger.

 

Let OP check if his gut was wrong first before bringing up ideas how to woo her again.

[zinger]

OK,

 

I have done some phone bill analysis (thanks a lot merrmade, I owe you) and reread my own first post. I'm now certain that she is involved with someone and is not transparent about it.

 

The reasons are:

1) Seachan, your advice is great. It helped me to realise that whilst we enjoying activities you have mentioned, "changed dynamics and lessen attention " I was posting about before actually means she was not nearly as active and appreciative of it as she used to be.

 

2) There is a phone number in the call history that is she was calling or being called from from time to time. Not excessive and no long calls, but it is concerning that it is not in her contacts (I still have the export and she always keeps the phone in the contacts once she calls the number more than once). More concerning - it abruptly stops exactly when I started getting this uneasy feeling which led me here.

 

3) Now when I'm away the frequency of her checking on me is nowhere near the usual number of calls and texts. I'm also certain that once when she replied to my call and told me she was home, she in fact was elsewhere.

 

At this point in time while there can be an innocent explanation to all of this, I'm certain my initial suspicions expressed in my 1st post are correct and preparing myself for the worst outcome. Considering cancelling the trip and flying home. If anyone here can offer me any altrernative and plausible explanation - I'll appreciate it very much.

 

Finally I'd like to thank each and everyone of you for your help and compassion.

 

Zinger

[TobyBoy]

Who is she calling? Run a reverse phone number search. Try namefromphone.com it's free, but you might have to register.

[velvette]

Who is she calling? Run a reverse phone number search. Try namefromphone.com it's free, but you might have to register.

 

Sorry, that doesn't sound good.

 

 

If you don't get a name on the free search pay for one. One time search is only a few dollars.

 

 

Do you have any friend or family you would be ok with asking to go by your house to see whats going on there?

 

 

If you can afford a PI consider calling one now.

 

 

Can you call the number blocking your number and see who if anyone answers or if there is a message as to whose phone it is. Or buy a burner phone yourself and call the number.

 

 

Going home early is a good option and also a good way to catch them if they are at your house or if you can stake your house out and tail your wifes movements, but that could take a lot of time as no way to know if they meet before work, after, at lunch etc. You also need to prepare yourself mentally for if you show up and someone is at your house.

 

 

Is your phone bill higher than normal? If so, you could call her, tell her you were reviewing it and ask who the number belongs to. I would only do this if you are exceptionally good at keeping your cool and scamming a scammer.

[oldshirt]

Considering cancelling the trip and flying home.

 

 

 

Zinger

 

If you are able to return home unexpectedly, it would be very revealing.

 

Assuming you are not able to catch her in the act, her reactions and demeanor so towards you coming home without warning would still say volumes.

 

If she acts agitated and anxious or even angry, it means something is up.

 

If she starts acting like someone put hot peppers in her undies and she quickly excuses herself into the bathroom (door locked) and takes her phone with her, it means she's making an emergency cancelation of plans.

 

The risk you run is that she will start to wise up that you are on to her and she could go way underground or even put things on hold untill she thinks you are backing off enough she let's her guard down.

 

Another option besides coming home is if you have a trusted friend or relative that can play private eye while you are gone. Hiring a real PI for the weekend may be an option.

[TobyBoy]

How far back do the calls to that number go?

When were the calls made?

[velvette]

If you are able to return home unexpectedly, it would be very revealing.

 

Assuming you are not able to catch her in the act, her reactions and demeanor so towards you coming home without warning would still say volumes.

 

If she acts agitated and anxious or even angry, it means something is up.

 

If she starts acting like someone put hot peppers in her undies and she quickly excuses herself into the bathroom (door locked) and takes her phone with her, it means she's making an emergency cancelation of plans.

 

The risk you run is that she will start to wise up that you are on to her and she could go way underground or even put things on hold untill she thinks you are backing off enough she let's her guard down.

 

Another option besides coming home is if you have a trusted friend or relative that can play private eye while you are gone. Hiring a real PI for the weekend may be an option.

 

 

As to the bolded, maybe, maybe not. Depends how calm you can remain and how convincing you can be that your trip legitimately ended early.

 

 

I actually inadvertently caught my husband by innocently coming home early from a business trip. I just missed them together in our home by a couple of hours.

 

 

But, when I showed up home to an empty house a couple of hours after lunchtime, the sheets were in the running dryer.

 

 

Quite an odd thing. My H explanation was he came home for lunch(which he rarely did) and decided to wash the sheets to surprise me with a fresh bed. Totally unbelievable from someone who rarely did housework especially in the middle of a work day.

 

 

It was obvious he was lying. He had had a previous affair and my first assumption was he was reinvolved with her. So, I bluffed him telling him then why are my personal things rearranged in the bathroom and why did I find this hair that's not mine or yours?

 

 

He fell for it and not wanting to involve the previous other woman then changed his story to he went to an innocent lunch with X and she had to use the bath room so he stopped by our house which was on the way back to work to check the dog, put the sheets in the laundry and let her go to the bathroom.

 

 

Total bull lol.

 

 

The moral of the story. Check your sheets when you get home and if they are nice and fresh be concerned unless its regular laundry day,

 

 

Also, stay calm if you don't catch her but as OldShirt says pay attention to what she says and does.

 

 

My H didn't confess that day and I didn't get hard proof until the OW H hired a PI and got pics of them hugging outside his apt which he rented when I kicked him out(at which time his excuse unbelievably again was that she stopped there to use the restroom lol). But, I learned all my husbands "tells" that day when he is lying and that was later very useful info.

 

 

Her body language will give her away if you pay careful attention. She will look down, or look down and to the left, or touch her mouth, rub her eyes, etc.

Edited May 23, 2015 by velvette

[SJS]

Try using spydialer.com on that number, it calls the number and gets their voicemail, then plays the message greeting on your phone or computer (which would be great if they had a personal greeting rather then the generic).

[aliveagain]

I would suggest you return home a day or two sooner than she expects. Her reaction should tell you all you need to know.

[RoseVille]

To be clearer -

 

Going to your account online for her cell phone is better to manipulate the data interface and view patterns.

 

Go to the phone carrier site (AT&T, etc), open account with password go to usage for her phone - recent, then month by month. Check to see Calls, then Data/Talk.

 

Click on the top of the categories for the phone numbers. This will sort them chronologically by area code. YOU WILL SEE IF SHE'S CALLING A PARTICULAR NUMBER OFTEN or, more important and more likely, TEXTING a particular number.

 

Then, notice the times of day, days of the week, periods in past months.

 

I discovered a hell of a pattern - almost 1000 calls in 1 year, 500 texts in a 6-mo. period to/from OW. I threw up.

 

If you're using an iPhone, the "texts" will not show up on a phone bill, because they're not "texts," they're data sent over the iMessage "app."

[RoseVille]

Read the thread. It seems like you think there are really only two options: you're paranoid and jealous, or she's cheating.

 

You're missing the third option: She's preparing.

 

If she hasn't already cheated, she's been contemplating it and preparing for it.

[Binster]

Just wondering how long before you go, and how long is the trip for.

 

How important is the trip (is it possible to cancel).