To bust or not to bust

[zinger]

To summarize where I'm currently at:

1) I moved out. I have/had to spend certain amount of time at [my former] home as my FWW - obviously- is not taking this well and required medical attention, however her parents and family are taking this over now.

2) I'll be relocating as per the plan. Basically feels like I want nothing to do with this place and these people anymore. Will be travelling to meet my new employer further final discussions and contract signing end of September, then go back to settle legal and financial matters here, then relocate following by hopefully the final trip here in approximately 6-8 month time.

3) So it doesn't make sense for me to get a permanent place here and I'm extremely busy selling my assets, the house (I offered it to her, she doesn't want it plus out is very expensive to maintain. My family wants to buy it and I'm not bargaining for any price, so she went have to vacate it) and the business.

4) Every one around me thinks I'm cruel unforgiving cold hearted perfectionist cave-age misogynist, making drama out of 'almost nothing' and she has their full support. We'll, I had plenty of time to get myself ready for this.

5) Divorce proceedings are going well, however she is being advised to get legal support (even my lawyer suggests that). I'm supportive as I want this to be over asap, but she refuses.

 

Thanks to all.

[SycamoreCircle]

Good for you, man! Well, in five years, when the emotional fallout of this has lessened and you're dating again or in a new, healthy relationship and finding your way in a new chapter of your life, you can give a Cro-Magnon grunt here and there to satisfy the troglodytes.

[Clay]

It really is amazing to me just how many people blame the victim. I am sorry you are experiencing this. I personally think you should just ignore them and move on like you have planned. We all have to make our own choices in life and she already made hers. Its to bad they were decent people to put the blame where it should be at.

 

Hopefully she will not fight to much on the divorce but she probably will if for nothing else but to keep you around as long as she can.

 

Sorry man.

 

C

[oldshirt]

4) Every one around me thinks I'm cruel unforgiving cold hearted perfectionist cave-age misogynist, making drama out of 'almost nothing' and she has their full support. We'll, I had plenty of time to get myself ready for this.

.

 

Just keep reminding yourself that these are the same people that would want your head on a platter and would be advising her to kick you to the curb if you had been sneaking around with the secretary.

 

They may not necessarily condone what she did, but they don't want her to pay any price for it and would rather you just sucked it up and carried on business as usual.

 

They may love their little girl and not want to see her in pain, but that doesn't mean that you should have to accept her bad behavior and maltreatment of you and your marriage.

[drifter777]

zinger: most men never get over their wife having sex with other man/men. The difference with your case is the strength of your character and being honest with yourself - and her - that her cheating is a deal-breaker. You've saved many months or years of painful reconciliation because you knew it wouldn't work for you. When a man knows he will never accept the fact his wife cheated on him, divorce is best for both of you. Stay with your plan and your personal recovery is in sight.

 

Your family should be ashamed for choosing your cheating wife over you.

[m.snow]

zinger did point out sometime ago that his WW is closer to his family than he is. pretty sure she is also closer to his friends if that's the case. WW must have one likable personality outside.

 

zinger did point out that he is not close to his family. and it was WW that made him and his family closer.

so yeah zinger own family loves WW. you can see where chips fall in a divide. everybody would stand on her side of the beach. if a line was drawn on the sand.

 

It really is amazing to me just how many people blame the victim. I am sorry you are experiencing this. I personally think you should just ignore them and move on like you have planned.

Just keep reminding yourself that these are the same people that would want your head on a platter and would be advising her to kick you to the curb if you had been sneaking around with the secretary.

Yup zinger was gonna get shafted by people around him either way, damned if did, damned if he didn't. sad though! people around zinger are so against him, that they see better zinger as a cuckold.

 

cold hearted misogynist vs being a cuckold. hmm

 

but yeah zinger is moving on and that is great news!

 

zinger never mentioned which country he is from.

always thought he was mexican or some south american country.

 

rich business man vs young artist... sounds like that movie "unfaithful"

glad he did not go richard gere on the om and made him disappear. but damn he was so close to that.

except there is no children so good bye. ex mrs.zinger

Edited August 18, 2015 by m.snow

[eric1]

Zing man, sorry that truly sucks but atleast you're one of the few people who have been able to digest the **** sandwich that you were served.

 

And for closure on our end, how did you finally get confirmation about it going PA and how did she defend herself / explain it away or did she just go catatonic again?

 

(again, not pressuring for details, respond when you are ready dude)

[Friskyone4u]

Zinger,

 

It is not uncommon for those not directly affected by the lying and cheating to take the idiotic position that "why don't you get over this little thing". What a moronic statement by whoever is making it.

 

Whatever you found out to confirm the PA certainly was no little thing to you.

 

You need to be rid of those blaming the victim here.

 

Stupid people never cease to amaze me.

[OldRover]

Zinger,

 

It is not uncommon for those not directly affected by the lying and cheating to take the idiotic position that "why don't you get over this little thing". What a moronic statement by whoever is making it.

 

Whatever you found out to confirm the PA certainly was no little thing to you.

 

You need to be rid of those blaming the victim here.

 

Stupid people never cease to amaze me.

 

Ageed,

 

We need to give support to where support is deserved....

 

Zinger, We're here for you......

[singer23]

To summarize where I'm currently at:

1) I moved out. I have/had to spend certain amount of time at [my former] home as my FWW - obviously- is not taking this well and required medical attention, however her parents and family are taking this over now.

2) I'll be relocating as per the plan. Basically feels like I want nothing to do with this place and these people anymore. Will be travelling to meet my new employer further final discussions and contract signing end of September, then go back to settle legal and financial matters here, then relocate following by hopefully the final trip here in approximately 6-8 month time.

3) So it doesn't make sense for me to get a permanent place here and I'm extremely busy selling my assets, the house (I offered it to her, she doesn't want it plus out is very expensive to maintain. My family wants to buy it and I'm not bargaining for any price, so she went have to vacate it) and the business.

4) Every one around me thinks I'm cruel unforgiving cold hearted perfectionist cave-age misogynist, making drama out of 'almost nothing' and she has their full support. We'll, I had plenty of time to get myself ready for this.

5) Divorce proceedings are going well, however she is being advised to get legal support (even my lawyer suggests that). I'm supportive as I want this to be over asap, but she refuses.

 

Thanks to all.

 

Did she confess to it ? How did you find out ?

 

Despite the decency you offered her through the whole situation, she kept lying and playing the PR war. She sabotaged her polygraphs. She still tries to play the victim angle.

 

Somewhere during the process, I think the huge respect you had for her as a person died off.

 

obviously- is not taking this well and required medical attention, however her parents and family are taking this over now

 

It is still about her.

Edited August 19, 2015 by singer23

[sandylee1]

You're doing fine Zinger. I admire your strength through all this, I really do. I used to think it was harder to find a good husband, than it was to find a good wife. With your situation and so many others like you, I'm really beginning to wonder if it's the same difference.

 

I see good successful, considerate, loving and hardworking husbands being cheated so often on here and elsewhere, I just don't get it. The increase of WWs is astounding.

 

Zinger - you'll find a woman with the same morals and integrity as you when the time is right.

 

What part of "I'll divorce you if you cheat on me" did she not understand......(sigh)

[italianjob]

Zinger,

 

It is not uncommon for those not directly affected by the lying and cheating to take the idiotic position that "why don't you get over this little thing". What a moronic statement by whoever is making it.

 

Whatever you found out to confirm the PA certainly was no little thing to you.

 

You need to be rid of those blaming the victim here.

 

Stupid people never cease to amaze me.

 

 

Yeah, this is really unnerving. I'm wondering if zinger's family knows he had confirmation of PA or is still thinking this was just some innocuos "inappropriate behavior".

[Mrin]

I've watched a lot of these unfold here at LS and they're usually like watching slow-mo train wrecks. You get kinda numb to them I guess even with all the projection that goes on internally.

 

But I gotta say, this one - Zinger's story - really hits home. It hits home because it started out with a "I got a feeling"... and went from there. It hits home because there were countless times zinger could have just stopped and accepted the lies and moved on. But he didn't. He kept digging, kept pulling at the threads until the truth came out. It hits home because in a relative short amount of time we saw not only the implosion of his marriage but the rebirth of a man and a life.

 

I gotta tell you zinger, if the roles were reversed and I were you, I'm not sure I would have been able to handle it so well. Kudos to you man. Stay strong and welcome to the rest of your life.

[No Limit]

4) Every one around me thinks I'm cruel unforgiving cold hearted perfectionist cave-age misogynist, making drama out of 'almost nothing' and she has their full support. We'll, I had plenty of time to get myself ready for this.

 

Incredible... I think relocating is really the best thing to do regarding the mindset of the people living around you, no wonder she cheated - who knows, maybe they even talked about it and downplayed it themselves. Best of luck at your new job.

[Grapesofwrath]

4) Every one around me thinks I'm cruel unforgiving cold hearted perfectionist cave-age misogynist, making drama out of 'almost nothing' and she has their full support. We'll, I had plenty of time to get myself ready for this.

 

This is utter selfishness. Those around you prefer that you stay with her because it is what is best FOR THEM. They are not thinking of you or your welfare in the slightest. Rather, they are thinking of avoiding conflict, shame, embarassment, and consequences for your FWW's actions. I hope you are not giving them an iota of your mental or emotional energy. Keep moving forward.

[SawtoothMars]

To summarize where I'm currently at:

1) I moved out. I have/had to spend certain amount of time at [my former] home as my FWW - obviously- is not taking this well and required medical attention, however her parents and family are taking this over now.

2) I'll be relocating as per the plan. Basically feels like I want nothing to do with this place and these people anymore. Will be travelling to meet my new employer further final discussions and contract signing end of September, then go back to settle legal and financial matters here, then relocate following by hopefully the final trip here in approximately 6-8 month time.

3) So it doesn't make sense for me to get a permanent place here and I'm extremely busy selling my assets, the house (I offered it to her, she doesn't want it plus out is very expensive to maintain. My family wants to buy it and I'm not bargaining for any price, so she went have to vacate it) and the business.

4) Every one around me thinks I'm cruel unforgiving cold hearted perfectionist cave-age misogynist, making drama out of 'almost nothing' and she has their full support. We'll, I had plenty of time to get myself ready for this.

5) Divorce proceedings are going well, however she is being advised to get legal support (even my lawyer suggests that). I'm supportive as I want this to be over asap, but she refuses.

Thanks to all.

 

I don't see as how they should get to hold any such opinion on your choices. The only opinion I would respect on the matter is a Priest. You could just say you don't love her anymore and file divorce... that is what millions of women do, and they should shut their traps about it.

 

After reading a good chunk of your posts here... I do not believe that your xw actually slept with the guy. I am a very cynical guy. I've been through this before myself... and I just feel when sex is involved ladies tend to trickle truth more, and the affair fog is MUCH deeper. However, this is just an opinion, so take it for what it's worth.

 

I honestly would begin dating her again after a short period of divorce. That's just me though.

[italianjob]

 

I honestly would begin dating her again after a short period of divorce. That's just me though.

 

Huh? Why? She's been tight lipped on the truth for months. Zinger didn't say how he found out it was a PA, but it doesn't sound like she volunteered the information. Why would she deserve any special treatment?

 

Frankly, after this ordeal I wouldn't want to touch her with a stick. If I was zinger, I would just walk and never ever look back...

[ShatteredLady]

I've read this whole thread. In many ways zinger has remained a gentleman & not actually disclosed a lot about his wife. I'm new to this site & honestly shocked by the cruel conjecture & speculation that's been going on. His wife is very, very wrong. I'm not defending her actions at all. I just don't see her as the evil calculated, money grabbing harpy that many of you are painting her to be. Many here have been deeply hurt, myself included. She just doesn't seem like a cruel serial cheater. More like a sensitive, loving woman who really screwed-up. I just know I wouldn't be so fast to throw away a whole life over this stupid, childish fantasy.

 

Why is everyone so sure that her medically diagnosed breakdown is so fake? Why so convinced she faked the polygraph? What evidence are people going on, other than there own very bitter experiences? When we bring pain & anguish on ourselves it can be even more mentally devastating than the things others inflict on us! Nothing here points to a heartless cruel woman. It sounds more like a woman who deeply loves her husband but fell into a terrible situation (completely her fault), step by step, without evil intentions. They have a whole lifetime of intimacy & experiences, dreams & plans. This is all happening so fast!

[eric1]

This is utter selfishness. Those around you prefer that you stay with her because it is what is best FOR THEM. They are not thinking of you or your welfare in the slightest. Rather, they are thinking of avoiding conflict, shame, embarassment, and consequences for your FWW's actions. I hope you are not giving them an iota of your mental or emotional energy. Keep moving forward.

 

One of the big 1+1 <> 2 with me with her (as told via Zinger) was how this always was the case. She was acting contrite yet allowed them to act like...that...which was clearly manipulation.

 

All it took was her to put her foot down and say "I'm the one who everyone needs to be angry with. Zinger didn't do anything to deserve this and didn't ask to be put into this position"

[drifter777]

I've read this whole thread. In many ways zinger has remained a gentleman & not actually disclosed a lot about his wife. I'm new to this site & honestly shocked by the cruel conjecture & speculation that's been going on. His wife is very, very wrong. I'm not defending her actions at all. I just don't see her as the evil calculated, money grabbing harpy that many of you are painting her to be. Many here have been deeply hurt, myself included. She just doesn't seem like a cruel serial cheater. More like a sensitive, loving woman who really screwed-up. I just know I wouldn't be so fast to throw away a whole life over this stupid, childish fantasy.

 

Why is everyone so sure that her medically diagnosed breakdown is so fake? Why so convinced she faked the polygraph? What evidence are people going on, other than there own very bitter experiences? When we bring pain & anguish on ourselves it can be even more mentally devastating than the things others inflict on us! Nothing here points to a heartless cruel woman. It sounds more like a woman who deeply loves her husband but fell into a terrible situation (completely her fault), step by step, without evil intentions. They have a whole lifetime of intimacy & experiences, dreams & plans. This is all happening so fast!

 

You make a lot of good points. You are also projecting as we have no idea whether she is a sensitive, loving woman but, like you, I'm more than willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. zinger seems like a good man and I'm sure he chose and married a good woman. I also wouldn't classify her cheating as a screw-up or stupid childish fantasy - but that's me.

 

The thing you may or may not understand is that none of this matters to many men. Their wife committed the ultimate betrayal and it doesn't matter how much they love them or respected them before it happened. She can't un-screw them and he's never going to forgive or forget what she did. Maybe he stays and learns to compartmentalize and struggles to put it in the past. Or maybe he refuses to settle for a woman who could betray him in this manner and ends the marriage. Many men can get past the sex - some of us can't.

[Celestial-dreamer]

4) Every one around me thinks I'm cruel unforgiving cold hearted perfectionist cave-age misogynist, making drama out of 'almost nothing' and she has their full support. We'll, I had plenty of time to get myself ready for this.

 

Zinger, after reading through this thread....you are anything BUT what is stated above. You don't need us to tell you that. After all you have been through with your wife, she still lied to you. Did your wife tell you it was a PA? If she didn't volunteer this info, no one can blame you for divorcing her. She's an out and out liar. Good for you sorting your life out, without her in it. Her breakdown shouldn't matter to you really, she knew the score and she did it anyway. She's knew what would happen. Now it is.

[TobyBoy]

Thanks for asking. Considering the circumstances I'm ok. Realised that in all likelihood I'm not getting any more of a key info I need. So I just waited till my FWW recovered from the test and everything else that eventuated, jumped in car and just cruising down the coast. Alone. First time in all these years.

 

Will be doing so until Monday at least. Some people (some of them I barely know) reached out to me offering support and "some info" (as rumours spread) but I assume they are just gossip hungry so not inn the hurry to meet them).

 

I'm just assuming here, but I think "some people" gave Zinger the proof.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

The thing you may or may not understand is that none of this matters to many men. Their wife committed the ultimate betrayal and it doesn't matter how much they love them or respected them before it happened. She can't un-screw them and he's never going to forgive or forget what she did. Maybe he stays and learns to compartmentalize and struggles to put it in the past. Or maybe he refuses to settle for a woman who could betray him in this manner and ends the marriage. Many men can get past the sex - some of us can't.

I agree. I tend to think that no woman is worth the effort and protracted pain of reconciliation. It's just easier on many men to just cut their losses and find a good new companion and start fresh.

[drifter777]

I agree. I tend to think that no woman is worth the effort and protracted pain of reconciliation. It's just easier on many men to just cut their losses and find a good new companion and start fresh.

 

Not sure "easier" is the right word. To me it's more like divorce is the only thing that makes recovery possible so it's the best path to take. New companion? Her cheating is always a risk and he'll never trust like he did before he was shattered.

[ShatteredLady]

I didn't think there was any proof that she slept with the artist. I thought that was conjecture. Am I wrong?

 

Honestly I'm with Zinger. I've never cheated. I've been cheated on & it's still very raw. I'm still at the insane stage of discovery & questions. I'm in shock. I know how much it hurts, I truly do. I'm in pieces. I know I'm in no fit state to make huge life changing choices yet.