To bust or not to bust

[drifter777]

wow you must live in a country or a society that sees infidelity as any other mistake not a huge red line once crossed there will be no way back.

I live in the US and noticed that here the majority of people sees infidelity as red line vs Europe, Canada or Japan

Huh? What's your point?

[zinger]

Thanks Eric,

 

I wouldn't like to end up being "sad", butt I get what you are saying. I realised after reading your post that:

- 3+ months ago the thought of my wife moving on or "getting laid" would get me laughing and then sad and angry

- 1 month ago I would feel like "ok, that explains that" , but frustrated and probably jealous alt her moving on so quickly.

- today I realised - believe me out not- not without having couple of pictures in my head, I wish her to move on, not get laid.

 

She is saying and insisting that this is not going to happen and she'll be waiting for me add long as it takes, that she is not moving out of the house yet as she hopes I'll come back one day... But the realist in me thinks that is not likely , and what I wish to her.

 

 

Thanks Zing,

 

We're here for ya when you want to flesh it out.

 

One small advice -- she likely will not be able to move on quickly or easily as you intimated above. She is going to be under intense social stigma (even if it's self-perceived) for quick some time.

 

Now she'll be able to get laid - any female can - but for the time being atleast she is not relationship material with someone that I think she would consider a suitable mate.

 

You, on the other hand, are going to be just fine. American women love a guy with a sad tale. You're going to clean up here.

[qubist]

Huh? What's your point?

 

nothing, just surprised that his entourage are not just supporting her they are blaming him which I don't think it would be the case here in the US.

[eric1]

Thanks Eric,

 

I wouldn't like to end up being "sad", butt I get what you are saying. I realised after reading your post that:

- 3+ months ago the thought of my wife moving on or "getting laid" would get me laughing and then sad and angry

- 1 month ago I would feel like "ok, that explains that" , but frustrated and probably jealous alt her moving on so quickly.

- today I realised - believe me out not- not without having couple of pictures in my head, I wish her to move on, not get laid.

 

She is saying and insisting that this is not going to happen and she'll be waiting for me add long as it takes, that she is not moving out of the house yet as she hopes I'll come back one day... But the realist in me thinks that is not likely , and what I wish to her.

 

Well, she moved on while you were actually living in the house so while she may be shedding crocodile tears now, we all know she is equipped to move on.

 

I only say that cause you're hoping she finds happiness one day.

 

My simple point was that I think you'll be very fine in the long run. You're worse off for having went through this but on the other hand it was a hell of a wake up call to live life while you have it. There is nothing worse than waking up tomorrow and finding out you're 85 and out of time.

[turnera]

Well I'm not surprised if I come out as "egotistical ass", since many have told me that for treating her harshly and not giving her the chance. And many have been rooting for my wife (even me in a way).

 

At least I'm not kicking her out with nothing - I have an written evidence of that on my desk in front of me now.

Whoa, I was NOT talking about YOU! I was just responding to someone else's post about heavy duty revenge, and giving an example of when that can be taken too far.

[prekopsian]

"I have learned from her the sequence of events and techniques he was using..."

 

From her? Zinger, you can't trust a single word that she says. Be careful.

 

It's good to read you're doing okay.

 

P.

[zinger]

Whoa, I was NOT talking about YOU! I was just responding to someone else's post about heavy duty revenge, and giving an example of when that can be taken too far.

 

But you were spot on, that is exactly the portrait of me as being painted (guess can't get that painter artist out of my mind, right?)

[aliveagain]

You know, you could buy one of his pieces of art, remove the canvas from the frame then have it laminated onto the inside of your wife's toilet. Every time she sits on it she can be reminded of why her life is so crappy. Sorry, couldn't help myself.

[singer23]

How long was the actual affair going on ?

 

And it wasn't a breakup meeting when you caught them, right ?

[zinger]

wow you must live in a country or a society that sees infidelity as any other mistake not a huge red line once crossed there will be no way back.

I live in the US and noticed that here the majority of people sees infidelity as red line vs Europe, Canada or Japan

 

Quite the opposite. Culturally infidelity is taken very seriously. I think I mentioned but I grew up in an atmosphere of macho talk: "I'll kick her to the curb in her underwear only, break OMs arms and legs, kill his dog and pee in his garden". So what is happening is probably add much of a shock to me as everything else. I exexpected to be labeled as softie for divorcing on amicable terms, instead I'm a could hearted bastard for just divorcing.

[zinger]

You know, you could buy one of his pieces of art, remove the canvas from the frame then have it laminated onto the inside of your wife's toilet. Every time she sits on it she can be reminded of why her life is so crappy. Sorry, couldn't help myself.

 

Ha, the only artistic deliverable I've seen was this some sort of legal graffiti. So I'll have to but the building, have it demolished and have a fragment of brick wall installed in my (ex) toilet

[zinger]

How long was the actual affair going on ?

 

And it wasn't a breakup meeting when you caught them, right ?

 

1. Since Feb, but it wasn't physical then. Apparently the bastard "took it slowly". Now when I kibble some of not most of the details I'm going to post it for the sake of closure, just need some time. Look up 2.50 Gallon post, many of his assumptions ate

are applicable.

 

2. She claims it was, bit I probably wouldn't be believing it... If it would matter.

[eric1]

For what it's worth I always believed that it was her breakup meeting. That's because I was always certain it was physical.

 

- you don't 'buy a gift' for no reason. I believe she bought him things but it was more organic than that

- it was physical so why meet in a mall?

- it was physical and she took a risk meeting him given the story she invented and Zinger was home. Why not meet for the whole enchilada?

- her hands on his face and hands is one of tenderness, and not of a boyfriend and girlfriend. She was breaking up with him

- a watch is a gift to 'remember me every time you look at it'. A great breakup gift. It also fits into a narrative of an obsessed lover, but frankly that doesn't feel right to me so I'm going breakup gift

[zinger]

All spot on except the reason for the watch. Apparently he was feeding her with the story that because he doesn't have money for extensive closes and accessories he can't get meetings / being taken seriously by potential sponsors and investors. He was also getting her to help him to relocate to a more prestigious area of the city as according to him his potential sponsors note the address on his business cards. So she bought the watch maybe month the mall meeting and working with him on relocation. But then it went physical, she had a "what have I done" moment and decided to cut ties with him.

 

It looks incredibly stupid when I read it, but that is how it went.

 

 

For what it's worth I always believed that it was her breakup meeting. That's because I was always certain it was physical.

 

- you don't 'buy a gift' for no reason. I believe she bought him things but it was more organic than that

- it was physical so why meet in a mall?

- it was physical and she took a risk meeting him given the story she invented and Zinger was home. Why not meet for the whole enchilada?

- her hands on his face and hands is one of tenderness, and not of a boyfriend and girlfriend. She was breaking up with him

- a watch is a gift to 'remember me every time you look at it'. A great breakup gift. It also fits into a narrative of an obsessed lover, but frankly that doesn't feel right to me so I'm going breakup gift

Edited September 2, 2015 by zinger

[qubist]

Zinger .never underestimate the power of a manipulator, not to defend her infidelity by the artist was good at controlling her, I have read a lot about sexual predators and some of their techniques. Sorry that you are a victim but believe or not she is too in my opinion.

I hope you are doing what it takes to cope and move on

[eric1]

All spot on except the reason for the watch. Apparently he was feeding her with the story that because he doesn't have money for extensive closes and accessories he can't get meetings / being taken seriously by potential sponsors and investors. He was also getting her to help him to relocate to a more prestigious area of the city as according to him his potential sponsors note the address on his business cards. So she bought the watch maybe month the mall meeting and working with him on relocation. But then it went physical, she had a "what have I done" moment and decided to cut ties with him.

 

It looks incredibly stupid when I read it, but that is how it went.

 

Yup, there is only one reason to meet a lover in public basically.

 

Jesus, she actually fell for that "needs a new address" bull****?

 

I'm with ya man on completely ****ing ruining the guy. It'll be easy. He's a parasite and removing the parasite from the host is a completely legal thing to do. Just get a PI on him from time to time and track down whoever he is scamming.

 

I actually do feel some empathy for your ex-wife. She made some ****ing horrible decisions, life-changing ones. And the sad part is she didn't even get much selfish enjoyment out of it

[Furious]

The irony is, Zinger's wife is also manipultive, she's not a "victim".

 

From the get go, she kept her "new friend" the starving artist a secret from Zinger. It's obvious she had an attraction to this this guy, and she bought his attention.

 

Also, she continued to lie to Zinger, even after the fact. She was only interested in saving herself and Zinger's right to his reality was secondary.

 

She is a player who got played.

 

She'll be fine, she'll survive, she'll always be able to cry crocodile tears. She's been able to cast Zinger as a cruel man, who has the gall to divorce her. How's that for manipulation, she even has Zinger feeling sorry for her and being extremely generous in the divorce settlement.

 

Zinger, you've been manipulated to focus on hating the OM, while your wife has gained sympathy from friends and family while she has campaigned to make you look like a cold and bitter man.

 

The OM is a dime a dozen sleaze bag, and not worth the time or effort to wreck revenge on. Your wife has succeeded in distracting you from whom the true manipulator is.

[Buckeye2]

Quite the opposite. Culturally infidelity is taken very seriously. I think I mentioned but I grew up in an atmosphere of macho talk: "I'll kick her to the curb in her underwear only, break OMs arms and legs, kill his dog and pee in his garden". So what is happening is probably add much of a shock to me as everything else. I exexpected to be labeled as softie for divorcing on amicable terms, instead I'm a could hearted bastard for just divorcing.

 

You have said that you have helped her family and yours both finically and by solving problems. Do you think that they want you to forgive her to keep you in the country? That way you can continue to help them.

[m.snow]

i was wondering if you sticked it to her (WW). that her OM is going around town bragging about his easy lay & sugar mommy!

 

put that to her as a reason your leaving town. that should freak her out.

[SycamoreCircle]

Revenge isn't beating the **** out of him or trumping him up on a fake charge.

 

It's tracking the guy, knowing what he is doing and knowing that he is a douche who WILL mess up again... and when he does you'll be the one to press the button.

 

Like if he gets a new job simply call in a complaint that you went in to inquire about a sign and the guy at the desk was rude to you and you walked about. Never do this again, it's just these little, small things which will eventually crumble him.

 

The smartest revenge is to hide in the shadows and opportunistically pull strings. The biggest benefit is patience.

 

I have a guy I've been waiting to get for 25 years. And I will.

I can't agree with this. OP, do you want to be waiting 25 years to get revenge on someone? Do you want to wait 5 days?

 

What sort of state of mind do you think that will foment? Nothing healthy, I promise you.

 

Sometimes when you lose, you really win. And only time reveals that. But you have to be open to the idea. If you're going to live your life in anticipation of settling a score, you won't be open to this idea. You're too busy trying to win back something that is gone for good.

 

You have to also accept the fact that your wife is no innocent in this game. She played her part, quite ably. Without her full cooperation, that guy would not be in the picture.

 

Wanting revenge is perfectly normal and natural. And I encourage you to carry it out in writing. That's what I did. Write all of the horrible things you'd like to do to that guy. I wrote mine in Turkey surrounded by a Muslim population, walking through the Grand Bazaar and muezzhin cries from a mosque set it off. I had my notebook with me and I stopped and sat and wrote pages of how I wanted to mangle the guy's face and brain with a broken bottle. And that is my memory. That is the action film I dedicate to myself, the retaking of my dignity. It had everything---exotic location, strange faces and a deafening score. And the film ended. I don't care anymore. It was just some dumb action film, anyway.

 

Get to work on your crappy action film.

[sandylee1]

Hope you're well Zinger. I'm with you on any legal revenge for the OM. I won't post it here but I knew a BW who continued seeking her revenge for a couple of years , but did so anonymously and the OW couldn't understand why things kept going wrong for her. She initially suspected but with the BW being in another country she blew off the notion it was her. Her final and last revenge was using the X rated pics (originally sent to her H) to the OWs fiancé with some careful words, to which he responded by calling off the wedding.

[italianjob]

As a lot of people seem to be very worried about your revenge on the OM, I will state again that I think you are entitled to it and that I see no moral obligation on your part not to exact that revenge if that's what you want.

 

I just hope you won't end up taking that revenge on yourself, so my advice is:

- to avoid doing him physical harm (you would lower yourself too much)

- to avoid doing anything illegal (you could ruin your own life)

- to avoid making an obsession out of it (you would ruin your health)

....

 

That said, I must say I have to agree with what many posters are pointing out about your wife being as much of a manipulator as the OM, and about her naivete being "suspicious" given the facts.

 

1 - She kept it all hidden from the start. She knew where this was going, or she would not have gone to such lenghts to keep you in the dark. I think she wanted this to turn physical from the very start, consciously or not.

 

2 - Since you busted her she continued to lie to you while manipulating friends and families into taking her side and pressuring you. This is in no way naive, this is a lucid plan.

 

3 - The OM bragged about a married lady sleeping with him "no strings attached", not about how he could seduce a reluctant wife into bed. That means he didn't perceive any "What have I done" moment from her. It sounds like she took exactly what she wanted, just like him.

 

Just my two cents.

Edited September 2, 2015 by italianjob

[singer23]

He was also getting her to help him to relocate to a more prestigious area of the city as according to him his potential sponsors note the address on his business cards.

 

If I understand this correctly, he was asking her to fund his move to the new place ? Was it in official capacity or a personal one ?Can't help but think that he was blackmailing her.

[zinger]

A lot of great posts, and gives me a lead to post what I was going to post anyway whilst avoiding a long "I said, she said" your of posting. Sorry for spamming the thread, it feels at times like out is my diary. So I'll respond one by one, in no particular order.

 

Yes, that is exactly what I am going to do (wrt OM). Have plenty of time now being technically single.

 

And yes, I feel some empathy ( pathetic I know) as well. She got nothing out of it in the end. Add I mentioned my only unresolved question was and is "why, what were you trying to get

out of this" and she can't answer that.

 

One of the last questions that I let to slip out of me was "was it worth it?". This sent her to the floor in so much tears, that I decided not to ask anything like that anymore.

 

 

 

Yup, there is only one reason to meet a lover in public basically.

 

Jesus, she actually fell for that "needs a new address" bull****?

 

I'm with ya man on completely ****ing ruining the guy. It'll be easy. He's a parasite and removing the parasite from the host is a completely legal thing to do. Just get a PI on him from time to time and track down whoever he is scamming.

 

I actually do feel some empathy for your ex-wife. She made some ****ing horrible decisions, life-changing ones. And the sad part is she didn't even get much selfish enjoyment out of it

[zinger]

Correct, he is. That's why I blame him. That is what I got out of her, because knowing her for all these years I couldn't understand how did she managed to do what she's done without being madly in love with him.

 

1. He is a total opposite of me - physical build, wealth, profession, interests, character, etc. He played this well. Especially when I was really the only man in hey life before.

 

2. As I posted she helped me to turn around when we were young. So she was feeling that after all these years she is helping someone else (motherly stuff)

 

3. Add her interest in arts to the mix. NOt that I was not supportive, she had everything she needed there, but he became her "art soul mate", became almost like a "project"'to her.

 

4. He played carefully and took it slowly. What I mean is he created an environment when everything was happening in small increments. And where each next step was kind of making sense on the context of the previous. Like "I've invested so much so far so I can make just this small step".

 

 

I obviously asked her what was she feeling when she allowed "this" to happen - was she in love, did she want him, etc. She told me (and I believe this) she was just feeling not strong enough to say no, after all previous steps.

 

At any time if he would make one wrong step - she would break the line. But he didn't and she didn't.

 

 

Zinger .never underestimate the power of a manipulator, not to defend her infidelity by the artist was good at controlling her, I have read a lot about sexual predators and some of their techniques. Sorry that you are a victim but believe or not she is too in my opinion.

I hope you are doing what it takes to cope and move on