Friskyone4u Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Zinger, You are getting two distinctly differing opinions here. One says confront her now, the other says wait. Wait for what is what I can't figure out. You already have the following (1) behavior suspicious enough to bring you to this forum (2) web site searches that a married person with no bad intent would ordinarily not be making (3) your confirmation that she is calling a man you do not know regularly (4) PI confirmation she met a man and has not told you of who he is or the meeting (5) lying to you about her wherabouts Now, I do not understand hoew that does not qualify as some sort of infidelity. I hope all of those telling you to sit back and HOPE you catch her in the act have been able to emotionally do that. Now the PI you hired, if you can afford it, will probably eventually get more information. But how long can you afford that.??? And unless you get photos of the holding hands or making out in the car, she is most likely still going to deny and minimize anything she is doing. When you get home, why don't you just sit her down, and without telling her anything, tell her to dial the phone number of OM with you sitting there. UYou do not have to say another word. The horror on her face or her refusal to do it will tell you a lot. Everyone is trying to help you. I guess we are all different on how. There are people on this forum who have sat there for months watching their spouse cheating on them and waiting for the irrefutable proof that it works out for. In my opinion difficut to do. There are others who have confronted on a lot less than you have and come out better. You have to make that call. The question I would be asking is, if you think an EA is as bad as a PA, what innocent reason can a wife have to be calling and meeting a man who her husband does not know about, as well as lying on her whereabouts to him????? Again, you do not have to prove this in a court of law. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Binster Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 If you confront her with what you already have, be vague about it. Ask her if she wants to stay married if she says yes, tell her you know most of what's been going on and want her to come clean. You don't say what you know just tell if she lies or misses anything out your through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 It will kill you to find out it only became physical because you waited to get more evidence. Men have a much harder time forgiving a wife who allowed another man to have unprotected sex with her. Everything we need to know is going on right in front of our eyes, the end is always right there at the beginning and it is our own illusions and hopes that blind us. You know enough to know she's blowing smoke up your a$$, do you want just enough proof to know your not crazy or do you want enough proof to end your marriage? When you confront tell her you know what's going on and you will give her one chance to give you all the truth before you decide on your path. Tell her if anything she tells you is a lie or if she conveniently leaves out information to spare you pain that the consequences will be swift and harsh. Tell her she can start now than just listen, speak no more until she is done. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Yup. Give her enough information that she knows it could be the tip of the iceberg, but not everything so you cannot trust the veracity of her claims. Then go Sofies husband on her if you catch her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Wait for more evidence. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Zinger, I may get some flack, but do give some thought to the question of reconciliation, or divorce. Try and confront your wife so if you are thinking, I may forgive her, depending on the the facts of what happened, you and she can. Just a thought, if she confesses all, and shows remorse, or if she lies further, it will give you an good idea if there is something to save or if you will have to cut your loses. Myself, I would go in with a "open" mind on the divorce and reconciliation question and let the facts speak for themselves. Push to get all the information, let her know you must know for sure what you are forgiving, and she must be a open book. Test her information, if by no other means then asking yourself if it make sense. Keep your options opens. Let your needs and your wants lead you to your decision. Both paths are hard, and it is up to you to decide what is best for you. It is also yours, and only yours, decision whether to give a second chance or make a clean break. She did not consult you when she went out of the marriage, so she does not have say in how you decide. After you make your decision:If it is for a second chance, ask her if she is willing to do what is needed to win back your love, trust. If she is not willing then divorce, there is nothing to save. If it is for divorce, move quickly and decisively. The faster the better for both of you. I still hope she has some explanation, or this is a EA instead of a full blown PA. Wish you luck. 919963 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Mind of Shazam Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Zinger, I may get some flack, but do give some thought to the question of reconciliation, or divorce. Try and confront your wife so if you are thinking, I may forgive her, depending on the the facts of what happened, you and she can. Just a thought, if she confesses all, and shows remorse, or if she lies further, it will give you an good idea if there is something to save or if you will have to cut your loses. Myself, I would go in with a "open" mind on the divorce and reconciliation question and let the facts speak for themselves. Push to get all the information, let her know you must know for sure what you are forgiving, and she must be a open book. Test her information, if by no other means then asking yourself if it make sense. Keep your options opens. The problem with all that is that she may not even be seeking forgiveness and reconciliation. She may want out and it's presumptuous to impute any motivations on her. I say gather enough evidence and then proceed with what you want to do. Don't impute anything on her. Going into the conversation with divorce papers ready and calmly saying you know what's going on, no need to be deceptive, and that marriageiisn't a prison and you dont want to be an obstacle toher hhappiness. She may deny and obfuscate, but make clear that you already made your decision and hand her the papers and tell her to leave. The negotiations will be done by the lawyers ffrom now on. If there's anything left to salvage from your marriage, and if you still want to salvage it, this is likely the best route to take. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 This situation should only be commented on by people who have been through it firsthand and had a lot at stake in the outcome IMHO. The question is not To Wait or Not To Wait. The question is the risk/benefit of confronting without evidence. A WS, who has been cheating, lying AND working hard at cover-up, will admit to no more than what the BS can prove. There is more to lose from confronting without evidence. An alternative is to insinuate that you know everything (or 'enough'). I did this and got a confession but since I didn't have solid proof of 'how far' I was subjected to 'trickle truth.' Those are the risks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 May be too late, but here's your devil's advocate view: maybe she's just not that happy with your marriage. The more my husband Love Busts me, the less I want to care about him. The less I check in on him. The more I talk to other people - but with absolutely NO intention of having an affair. I don't know what evidence you have other than having lunch with a man for an hour in public, but I've had several clients take me to lunch, and it meant nothing. Now, if your PI saw them holding hands, that would be different. Hope it went well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 This situation should only be commented on by people who have been through it firsthand and had a lot at stake in the outcome IMHO. The question is not To Wait or Not To Wait. The question is the risk/benefit of confronting without evidence. A WS, who has been cheating, lying AND working hard at cover-up, will admit to no more than what the BS can prove. There is more to lose from confronting without evidence. An alternative is to insinuate that you know everything (or 'enough'). I did this and got a confession but since I didn't have solid proof of 'how far' I was subjected to 'trickle truth.' Those are the risks. Agreed. The deciding factor imo is how much detail you need to decide what to do. For me, all I needed to know was that there was an A. Others want to know every last detail. Confronting combined with bluffing when you have a minimum amount of evidence will generally tell you if there is an A IF you are able to remain collected and recognize bull for what it is. It will not necessarily get you a confession full or otherwise or all the details if that's what you need to move forward or take action. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 For most men it is vital to know if she had sex with him. He needs as much truth and as many details as possible before considering whether to even think about reconciliation. The facts and details are everything to a man. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 How are doing Zinger? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted May 25, 2015 Author Share Posted May 25, 2015 Thank you. Not good and this is an understatement. Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Thank you. Not good and this is an understatement. Understandable. Update us when you can. We're here to help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Thank you. Not good and this is an understatement. That sucks, even though the gut doesn't lie, I was hoping that it was a mistake. You're a good guy who had his life turned upside down thanks to a selfish woman who isn't acting like your wife. Do talk to your immediate family and close friends, you need the support. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Wow sucks. Dude so sorry to hear that Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 For most men it is vital to know if she had sex with him. Sorry but, how can anyone doubt that? Do you think a OM would stick around for restaurant visits and what not if not for his treat? OP, take some time to collect yourself. Feel cyber-hugged. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 Sorry but, how can anyone doubt that? Do you think a OM would stick around for restaurant visits and what not if not for his treat? OP, take some time to collect yourself. Feel cyber-hugged. Yeah. Well, I was making a general statement for OP's sake. What we think is irrelevant; he needs to know for sure. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 As a matter of update. I have not confronted yet - I really need to have a proof. Not because I'm weak and afraid to face the inevitable bit because I don't want to be tricle fed the truth and spend weeks of not months in limbo. If I have nothing on the next 1-2 of days - I'll have the talk and she'll have a lot to explain. In may case the fact that there is a big cancerous inflamed lie in my family live is irrefutable. I have passed all the info (the cell number) to the "surveillance guy" and I know the identity of the other man. The surveillance guy suggested to me to wait for more proof for a few more days. This is based on his 20 years of experience - according to him infidelity is like addiction so he's confident he'll get me the proof. The facts are : - the guy is 8 year younger than her, he is some sort of artist doing small paint jobs (graffiti, schools, ads) - he has no legit connections with her whatsoever (no common friends, social circles or work relationship) - couple of times when she was home late ("that new girl is so slow I have to pick up her bits") she was actually leaving earlier (toll charges statement) - she called him and met him in public at least once. Now the biggest issue - at least for me : When I came home she was shocked and worried. She asked me why I'm back early but she didn't look too thrilled about it. I couldn't resist and told her "because I have a grave feeling and concerns about my family live". Correct me if I'm wrong but I'd assume that the reaction of any loving spouse would be to get to the bottom of this immediately. Instead she seemed relieved that I didn't press the matter. So whatever the nature of this relationship is she is hiding it and she knows I'd never tolerate anything of that nature. I have to conclude my family life as I knew it is over. Link to post Share on other sites
lgspot Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 zinger, you've handled everything remarkably well up to now. Keep your wits about you. Your investigator seems to know what he's doing. Keep vigalent, but allow him to do his job. There are a lot of wise people here on LS that have been where you are. Ask questions and follow the advice that works for you. I'm sorry the direction this appears to have taken. I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 The facts are : - the guy is 8 year younger than her, he is some sort of artist doing small paint jobs (graffiti, schools, ads) - he has no legit connections with her whatsoever (no common friends, social circles or work relationship) - couple of times when she was home late ("that new girl is so slow I have to pick up her bits") she was actually leaving earlier (toll charges statement) - she called him and met him in public at least once. With no ties to your wife........this OM appears to be someone she met on a dating/hook-up site. They talk first(message/phone/text) then meet to see if they are "compatible". If the PI is any good, he would have heard their conversation or witnessed any affection between them. The PI should have no trouble finding the OM online......if he's any good!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zinger Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 (edited) I was thinking it was the first meeting... But the timing of calls and everything else is not exactly aligned with this assumption. The guy is very good, he has traced him based on the number and got all this info on no time. He also told me - based on his experience - how easy would be for her to deny everything at the moment. I'll be notified immediately about any malicious activity so - small consolation - I'm not enabling. I also think however I've been enabling for all these years, have I? And thanks to all of you for support and wishes Edited May 26, 2015 by zinger Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted May 26, 2015 Share Posted May 26, 2015 What was their demeanor like at the cafe? Is OM married? Link to post Share on other sites
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