Odd situation, Will this work?

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Ok so I have known this girl for 3 years. At first, we just clicked and we were the best of friends would drink every night and have a great time and started to develop feelings for her. After a while of treating her like my best friend I had to leave the country for 3 months. When I got back, she had a boyfriend. I was bitter, but not towards her. I came back with "I also have a girlfriend now." We didnt speak much during this time, but would occasionally have dinner (once a month) After 6 months have passed and me not thinking about her because I also had a girlfriend. She breaks up with hers and starts to tell me that she had absolutely no feelings for him and just broke it off with no regrets. After that we started partying again together. One day, shortly after her break up, she asked me if she could stay at my house. I let everyone stay at my place so of course I said yes. At first, I didn't even want to sleep next to her and she ended leaving without even sleeping much. The next time she came, we started sleeping next to each other. I was being extra careful because she was a neighborhood friend and I didn't want our relationship to change if things went south. My girlfriend ended up breaking up with me and I told her that we must be friends and we still are. That night my friend came over and I initiated and we slept together. I always stayed careful because I was still kind of bitter about her getting that new boyfriend months back. We continued this relationship for 9 months having a blast every weekend and her staying at my place for 2-3 days a week. During those months, she has asked me a several times, while drunk, why don't we ever talk about our relationship and I always ignored it (deeply regret) I would always tell her I don't want to get married and so on, after the 9 months It was her birthday. I asked her when she is going to come to the neighborhood. She said she is with some other friends and she will come later on that night. I didn't receive a call and I went out to get a drink. She was at our friends bar with 3 guys which one of whom was now considered her boyfriend. I was shocked!!!

 

I called her the next day and I told her to never contact me again. She was crying for 2 hours while I was ranting some hurtful things towards her. Which I shouldnt' have. I was deeply sad for 2 days and I called her and apologized for being hurtful and that we can be friends if she wants. I called her again about 3 days later and she was going off about her job like nothing was wrong. I told her I wanted to have a serious talk and that I wanted to date her and I would even definitely consider marriage as long as its her. She started to be very vague and was pausing a lot in a cold tone. She said there is nothing I could do for you. I have a boyfriend now and I really like him. I asked, "there is nothing I could do?" and she said no. She was very cold towards me and we hung up on a good note. That night I got drunk and told her I'm sorry for everything I did. You were initially my friends so lets be friends. She sent me a message the next day saying to call her when I wake up. I called and me being an idiot, I told her I was just joking yesterday and she had a Pffff like response. I told her, no I thought about it and why should I like a girl that doesn't like me back, right? and she responded with "Right"

 

I am still very sad. We are in a friend state at the moment, but want to cut off all contact. I still want her to come back to me.

 

Note: We were extremely compatible. The guy she has chosen is a average guy who does not really have any experience with girls and treats women like they are the queen. We are absolutely complete opposites. Most of our friends are mutual.

 

Couple questions:

 

Will the No Contact rule work in this situation?

Does she really like the guy?

Is she rebounding?

 

Thanks for the help in advance.

[Toodaloo]

Well she chose the guy over you.

 

If I were you I would cut back on contact, keep in touch but do your own thing. Chances are that she will be single again soon. Ask her then.

 

She is probably really annoyed that you only ever ask when she is going out with someone else...

[preraph]

I know you already regret your poor communication. But then you did it to her again saying you were just kidding. So now she can't trust anything you say. You have got to sort yourself out enough to be able to be honest with a woman you are already involved with. You can't expect them to keep dating you exclusively when you clam up and then the only definitive thing you do say is don't want to marry. She is a smart girl. She started seeing others and didn't put all her eggs in your teetery basket. You'd do well to earn her love and trust back, but it's going to take apologizing for yanking her chain and being stubborn about what your expectations and hopes were.

[Verysadsad]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I know I did a horrible thing, but it is something that I cannot take back anymore.

 

From a woman's perspective. Do you think she really likes this guy? or is she just tricking herself to think that because he is a safe bet?

 

I am planning on just cutting her off for a bit because I am still hurt about the situation and can't stop thinking about her. Even though I know she was sleeping around while seeing me at the same time. But when I want to hate her I can't because I was in the wrong to begin with.

[La.Primavera]

Will the No Contact rule work in this situation?

 

I doubt it, but it might help you move on.

 

Does she really like the guy?

 

Yes, she told you that she did.

 

I have a boyfriend now and I really like him. I asked, "there is nothing I could do?" and she said no.

 

You said he treats women like they are the Queen, maybe she likes that. She knows where she stands with him.

 

Is she rebounding?

 

I don't think so but either way she wants to move on. Even when you gave her the chance to pick you she still chose him.

 

I wouldn't put your love life on hold in hopes she will change her mind.

[minime13]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I know I did a horrible thing, but it is something that I cannot take back anymore.

 

From a woman's perspective. Do you think she really likes this guy? or is she just tricking herself to think that because he is a safe bet?

 

I am planning on just cutting her off for a bit because I am still hurt about the situation and can't stop thinking about her. Even though I know she was sleeping around while seeing me at the same time. But when I want to hate her I can't because I was in the wrong to begin with.

 

She asked you many times while you were hooking up about your relationship, and you didn't want to talk about it. That sent her a clear signal that you guys were nothing more than FWB. She looked elsewhere, instead, and probably found a more suitable guy for her needs, and started a relationship with him. She isn't rebounding because your actions made it clear there was nothing to rebound from during your time together. If she says she likes this guy, then she probably does.

 

She didn't do anything wrong by seeing other guys while having a fling with you that you refused to commit to, by the way. You should have been more open and upfront with your feelings, but you weren't.

 

NC will help you move on, but I don't know if it will do anything toward you getting her back. I'd guess that, at most, you two can be friends again in the future.

[Verysadsad]

Wow I am deeply hurt... not to blame anyone. I know I was wrong but now trying to make amends.

 

I knew that she was really into me and asked me why don't I ask to be exclusive. I ignored it. She got a bf a week later and the next day I said don't ever contact me again and she started to cry for 2 hours. I am her type and the guy she is seeing is total opposite.

 

After this whole situation. I called her told her I loved her and we are a perfect match. I also told her I was planning on introducing her to my parents and that I was glad that this happened because we would have never talked about it. I asked If you ever break up with that guy would you come back to me because I was willing to wait. She said, "I can't say it may be 1 month it may be 2 months, or even a year." then I said, "but lets just say you break up with him would you want to come back." She said,"it's a possibility."

 

After a couple of days, I am starting to feel a bit better.

 

I am curious. What should I do if she calls me? (She is going to call me this is the kind of relationship that we have.) Should I ignore within the first couple of months or should I pick up and act friendly.

 

Can a girl be one type then suddenly change and just marry a guy who is the average joe to get married from pressure from parents?

 

Thanks for everyone's help.

Edited May 21, 2015 by Verysadsad

[minime13]

My advice? Leave her alone for a while and let her have the space and time she needs to build her other relationship. If you really care about her, you'll want her to be happy, and that is part of letting her be happy.

 

Right now, you're not capable of being anything but mean and cruel to her because you screwed up. That's not fair, and you don't need to treat people you care about like that.

 

WHEN you get to a point of accepting her as a friend only, and accepting that she has moved in, should you start talking again. Anything outside of that is too soon and unhealthy.

[AGoodFriend]

It sounds like you guys kind of enjoy loving/hurting each other at times.

 

I think that your relationship has been defined as something that is not really long-term relationship/marriage material. You two might be off and on lovers at best, enemies at worst. Maybe you should just take it easy for a while and see if you can move on yourself.

 

Good luck.

[Verysadsad]

Major update on story.

 

It has been one month since she left me and it has been 3 weeks I have been on NC. We have a mutual friend and this friend tells me everything even though I don't want to here it.

 

Things have started to go sour with her rebound boyfriend and tells this mutual friend that she is constantly thinking about me. She is scared of me because I acted cold the last time I saw her. I also think she is trying to show me how depressed she is through facebook because we are still friends. Apparently, indirectly, she tells the mutual friend that she wants me back.

 

She is going to contact me 100% and was just curious as to what some of you may think.

 

I still really like her, but somethings just don't leave my mind and would like to ask some questions.

 

1. I heard that she was being extremely clingy with her new guy and I don't think he likes it. Now is she leaving the guy because she can't stop thinking of me or because of her considering him to be an ass because he doesn't want to spend every minute of his life with her?

 

2. We were never committed and understand if she was sleeping around with other guys, but I do want to ask her how many and if she lies to me, never talk to her again. good idea? (if she doesn't lie i'm fine with hearing whatever she says and would not be angry)

 

I still do really like her and just want to make sure that she wouldn't lie to me if I were to commit.

Edited June 19, 2015 by Verysadsad