Wife's sexual past

[iloveyourbrains]

Hi all and thanks for a great forum! I was hoping to get some advice on how to mentally and internally deal with this in bringing it up with my wife.

 

So, I'm sitting next to her in the sofa playing games while she is skyping with one of her close friends. Her friend is telling her in native language (which I understand 50%) about how her new boyfriend is having anal sex with her and how good it feels and the amazing orgasms she gets. My wife nodded and agreed heavily to this and probably didn't notice I understood what they were talking about. I was like "Wtf, I thought you hated anal" inside my head.

 

I've never tried anal and don't have any immediate plans of venturing into it, but my wife has asked me a couple of times in the past what my stance on it is. I've told her the truth: "Never tried it, I guess I would be open for it if you insisted on trying, what about you?" She would then tell me one of her ex's talked her into it and she hated it and don't want to try it again. Since then it hasn't been an issue really, until hearing her agree on how good it feels yesterday.

 

My issue is not whether she likes anal or not. My issue is that she wasn't honest about it to begin with, and knowing I'm open to most things why hasn't she suggested it if she thinks it feels so good? Or why not atleast tell me she tried it and liked it, but don't want to do it again if that's the case?

 

 

------------------------------

Background info

 

Maybe I'm making an issue where there is none, if so please tell me. I think the reason my head is taking a spin is because she cheated on me in the past before we got married. We worked our way through it. Her past cheating hasn't been an issue in a long time and our sex is great like always. All in all our marriage is going great. Well, until this small setback yesterday. I think I might have become abit brittle when it comes to these kind of things, like getting to know a new fact about her sexual past especially in the context described above.

 

Those feelings I remember having after the betrayal is slowly sneaking their way into my system. My worst fear would be if I found out other lies about the betrayal, like "they didn't have sex just once, but three times" or something like that, because at the time I made it pretty clear that this was her last chance of revealing everything if she wants to save this relationship. Another fear I have is starting to obsess about these things again. Its past and I'm done dealing with it.

[Got it]

Since you admit you only understand 50% of the language I would ask her about the conversation to verify whether or not you actually heard it correctly. And then have a conversation about anal sex, her feelings towards it, is she open to it, etc.

 

And then I would let her know that it triggered you about her cheating on you. She should be there to comfort and reassure you on your trigger if she was really remorseful about it. Triggers will come up even years later. That is very understandable.

[SJS]

Don't jump to conclusions. She may have just been agreeing so as not to be the "prude" or to keep the conversation flowing...

[central]

Maybe she was honest when she told you she doesn't like anal. Perhaps she was just agreeing with her friend to encourage her revelations and not seem judgmental.

[Satu]

Since you admit you only understand 50% of the language I would ask her about the conversation to verify whether or not you actually heard it correctly. And then have a conversation about anal sex, her feelings towards it, is she open to it, etc.

 

And then I would let her know that it triggered you about her cheating on you. She should be there to comfort and reassure you on your trigger if she was really remorseful about it. Triggers will come up even years later. That is very understandable.

 

I would follow this advice if I were you OP, it's very sound.

[iloveyourbrains]

We have a short conversation on phone during work hours every day, and during todays convo I had it confirmed that they did indeed talk about anal sex and that it wasn't me misinterpreting the language. I subtly expressed my discontent with the fact that I didn't know she enjoyed anal sex because she's told me differently in the past, and we left it at that and agreed to talk about it later.

 

The thing is, she wasn't just agreeing during that skype session. She was putting emphasis on how good the orgasms get with anal sex, almost elevating the fact. It wasn't a nod and "I agree" but a big "I KNOOOW". Which in turn made me get pictures and videos in my head, and wonder what else I don't know about her. Disturbing feeling.

 

I guess I will bring this up with her when I get home tonight. How do I stress the fact that I want full honesty about these things without making her feel like I'm blaming her for past mistakes? I don't want to go back there and neither does she.

[Satu]

We have a short conversation on phone during work hours every day, and during todays convo I had it confirmed that they did indeed talk about anal sex and that it wasn't me misinterpreting the language. I subtly expressed my discontent with the fact that I didn't know she enjoyed anal sex because she's told me differently in the past, and we left it at that and agreed to talk about it later.

 

The thing is, she wasn't just agreeing during that skype session. She was putting emphasis on how good the orgasms get with anal sex, almost elevating the fact. It wasn't a nod and "I agree" but a big "I KNOOOW". Which in turn made me get pictures and videos in my head, and wonder what else I don't know about her. Disturbing feeling.

 

I guess I will bring this up with her when I get home tonight. How do I stress the fact that I want full honesty about these things without making her feel like I'm blaming her for past mistakes? I don't want to go back there and neither does she.

 

*First realise that her conversation triggered you.

 

Then follow Got it's well-considered advice.

[iloveyourbrains]

Ok, thanks for the advice. I will come back to this thread with updates later.

[Got it]

I just say that to her, you want a 100% completely transparent and truthful relationship. It is a two way street but you want you both to commit to that. People can have confusing/complex thoughts tied to sex so it may be something tied to that with her. But you want to know it. You want to know how she thinks, why she thinks and understand all about her. Nothing hidden, nothing to be ashamed about, the intimacy you want requires this.

 

And then see how it goes.

[whichwayisup]

Problem is, you over heard "girl talk".

 

Everybody has a past, but not too many really wants to hear sexual details of their spouses past!

 

Your wife loves you so please don't read into anything she said.

[jen1447]

I'd take a step back and relax. Anal still carries a stigma with it for some people. Admitting you like it to someone who doesn't or who's noncommittal can make some women feel whoreish. She probably doesn't want to feel that way with you. Imagine the "honest" conversation -

 

her: Baby do you like anal?

you: I never did it. Might be ok. Meh. You?

her: Oh my god yes! It's so awesome! I had this one guy jam his 9" dick so far up my ass I couldn't poop right for a week!

you ....

[understand50]

Because she has cheated in the past, honesty is the main thing here. You pointed out, it was not that she had a past, but you forgave hare after she gave you the what was supposed to be the whole story.

 

I get that.

 

You want to know, if you really knew what you were forgiving. In my opinion, you need to let her know that it is now safe to tell you the rest of the story if she held it back when you were reconciling. In many ways, we make it hard, as we say. "Tell me the truth, or we are done, and by the way if you did ...., we are done". So of course, they give the best spin of what happened. If you are in a good place, and you need the rest of the story, give her a good space to tell you. Thank her if she does. I assume she had been a good wife and faithful from the point of the cheating? This is a MAIN fact, and you should not forget this in any rush of finding out the truth. You also need to decide if this is a large issue or if you will let it go. She may need more time. I would hope you do not let this mess up your marriage, but use it to open up the commutation, and let her know that it is her actions going forward from the cheating that is the important thing here. Let her know that you are not looking to "find" something to use against her now.

 

As to the Sexual past of partners, sometimes they have to be opened if truth and honesty become a large issue in the marriage and relationship. Cheating, financial issues, lying will do this. Your other half having a Secret, having the idea "what they do not know will not hurt them" becomes unacceptable. Their past is their own, until it impacts the relationship in the present. It looks like you are not sure you know the whole story. If you ask hard questions, you will get hard answer. You need to make it safe for her if that is what you want. No one will be open if they get hurt when they do.

 

This can be hard, and I wish you luck. Remember you love her, and make it easy for her, and you, to be truthful with each other. Also, you need to decide if this is something you need to follow up on, or if it is just a blip in the marriage. I hope for the "blip" thing.

 

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Edited May 20, 2015 by understand50

[davidromero43]

Girls talk sucks!

 

 

Just ask her if she wants to try it

[elaine567]

Girls talk sucks!

 

 

Just ask her if she wants to try it

 

Yes, but that is a difficult one, what if she says no.

 

Then we get into "Oh she did it before for those other guys but she is not going to do it with me", and that leads to insecurity and "she can't love me". and mental images galore.

 

The OP isn't even really into anal, so opening that can of worms is

just not going to be productive here.

 

Women talk, sometimes women talk rubbish, sometimes women agree with other women when they don't even want to agree with other women, it just seems the right thing to do sometimes.

By all means talk about it, but the subject of anal may be better off had in the heat of passion, rather than the heat of triggering about something most likely said, in an off hand fashion to a female friend.

 

I may say I love high stilettos to a friend who is raving about her new shoes, but in reality I hate them as I find them so painful to wear for any length of time... The thought of them is great, the reality is hell.

 

A fight about something, neither may really want to do, should not lead to a marriage break up.

Be careful.

[Cephalopod]

Every woman I have dated or been involved with has lied about or minimized her sexual past. To a woman.

[SJS]

Girls talk sucks!

 

 

Just ask her if she wants to try it

No worse than you guys and your locker room talk!

[Satu]

Every woman I have dated or been involved with has lied about or minimized her sexual past. To a woman.

 

And almost all men exaggerate theirs.

[Mr Carson]

Maybe the 50% you missed, was her saying she wanted to give you anal sex...in your anus.

[Satu]

We should share and mingle our sweetness.

 

I have a personal philosophy that arises out of who I am, and I have made a commitment to this:

 

"I only give the best of myself to others, the less than best, I work on in my own time."

 

If I need to go to the mountains for a couple of days to get my head straight, I do.

 

My life isn't about how much somebody loves me. Its about how much I love them.

 

I wrote this in my journal:

 

"Love those who are given to you to love."

 

It sounds like a command, doesn't it?

 

It is.

 

Thats my path.

 

Total extension of the self, nothing witheld, nothing conditional.

 

Thats all I want, all I need, all I am, all I ever want to be.

 

Your truth is as true for you, as mine is for me.

 

 

Thanks for reading.

[Got it]

Yes, but that is a difficult one, what if she says no.

 

Then we get into "Oh she did it before for those other guys but she is not going to do it with me", and that leads to insecurity and "she can't love me". and mental images galore.

 

The OP isn't even really into anal, so opening that can of worms is

just not going to be productive here.

 

Women talk, sometimes women talk rubbish, sometimes women agree with other women when they don't even want to agree with other women, it just seems the right thing to do sometimes.

By all means talk about it, but the subject of anal may be better off had in the heat of passion, rather than the heat of triggering about something most likely said, in an off hand fashion to a female friend.

 

I may say I love high stilettos to a friend who is raving about her new shoes, but in reality I hate them as I find them so painful to wear for any length of time... The thought of them is great, the reality is hell.

 

A fight about something, neither may really want to do, should not lead to a marriage break up.

Be careful.

 

Why would you lie about liking a pair of shoes if you doing? I don't understand that. I will say I am happy they love them, I may say I would Like to love them if not for x, y, z. But I don't lie to someone about liking something if I don't.

 

Actually if his girlfriend says this is what she was doing I would think that opens the door to discussing people pleasing issues or conflict avoidance concerns. I would have an issue if my SO was lying to others about things because why lie? Even if a small lie, why lie?

[SJS]

Why would you lie about liking a pair of shoes if you doing? I don't understand that. I will say I am happy they love them, I may say I would Like to love them if not for x, y, z. But I don't lie to someone about liking something if I don't.

 

Actually if his girlfriend says this is what she was doing I would think that opens the door to discussing people pleasing issues or conflict avoidance concerns. I would have an issue if my SO was lying to others about things because why lie? Even if a small lie, why lie?

For one, sex is not shoes.

 

 

She asked him several times what his stance was on it, he seemed indifferent. Maybe she's waiting for him to push the issue so she can "change her mind" about it without seeming eager.

 

 

Honestly, if he was sitting right next to her during the conversation and she's aware that he can understand half of what she's saying, either she's putting on an act for her friend or that was her big hint-hint to him.

[davidromero43]

I know he is going through pain right now. A million questions and "what if"s going through his head. So the best way to deal with it is to just ask.

 

Like this "Hey, about your convo with your friend. Yes, the anal one. Is that something you want us to do? If so, can you walk me through how you want to do it? Why didn't you talk about it before?".

[Satu]

I know he is going through pain right now. A million questions and "what if"s going through his head. So the best way to deal with it is to just ask.

 

Like this "Hey, about your convo with your friend. Yes, the anal one. Is that something you want us to do? If so, can you walk me through how you want to do it? Why didn't you talk about it before?".

 

Quite right. A loving conversation or two will be a big help.

[autumnnight]

I know he is going through pain right now. A million questions and "what if"s going through his head. So the best way to deal with it is to just ask.

 

Like this "Hey, about your convo with your friend. Yes, the anal one. Is that something you want us to do? If so, can you walk me through how you want to do it? Why didn't you talk about it before?".

 

I agree they should just freaking talk. But I don't get the pain. Really? She said something to her friend about anal and suddenly she's hurting him, or cheating, or minimizing her past, or any other number of nefarious things....

 

I think forums make people paranoid

[Got it]

For one, sex is not shoes.

 

 

She asked him several times what his stance was on it, he seemed indifferent. Maybe she's waiting for him to push the issue so she can "change her mind" about it without seeming eager.

 

 

Honestly, if he was sitting right next to her during the conversation and she's aware that he can understand half of what she's saying, either she's putting on an act for her friend or that was her big hint-hint to him.

 

What!?! Where did I say sex was shoes?