boyfriend is not very intimate

[salparadise]

Can I just ask if he loves me? Since he is clueless about what I want to hear.

If he gets that uncomfortable when I ask him something like that then there is a problem....

 

If you coerce it out of him, does that not render the expression meaningless, at least in that moment and the near future? It's a little bit like stealing your birthday present isn't it?

 

There are at least three possibilities... 1. he feels it but is not comfortable saying it (intimacy issues), 2. he doesn't believe it's time to say it yet, and 3. he's not feeling it. Don't assume too much.

 

If you're feeling it say it to him, but not because of your expectations. Give him the opportunity but don't coerce. Don't leave a long, awkward silence hanging, and don't pout or go sour on him if he doesn't.

 

Is he able to say how he feels about other things? Some guys are so closed off with regard to expressing emotion, probably because they were taught to be, that they hardly even have the words in their vocabulary. If that's the case then you might want to try and teach [encourage] him to say what he feels generally, and talk about it some in a different context. Make him feel that his vulnerability is safe with you, that you will always honor it.

[Timshel]

How can someone date someone for 10 months and not be told they love you? then what the hell is the point?

 

This world is retarded, what are people even thinking...

 

Love it. Exactly.

 

When/if he feels it, he'll say it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

This is very good advice.

 

Learning to recognize his love language will be very helpful and save you a lot of heartache. People really do express themselves in very different ways.

 

Here's an example...

 

Last year I went out of town for a few days. While I was gone my BF slaved away and cleaned the house from top to bottom. He did that because it is something that he would have appreciated coming home to and he wanted to do something nice for me.

 

When I came home, the very first thing he said to me when I walked through the door was "Are you boots clean? I just washed that floor."

 

My first thought was "Are you F**ing kidding me? That is the first thing you are going to say to me after I've been gone for 5 days?"

 

What I wanted from him was a big hug, a kiss and for him to say I missed you so much and I'm so glad you're home.

 

To me, coming home to a super-clean house meant nothing. Our house is always clean. Cleaning the house is a daily chore, not a show of love. But in that moment, I had to stop myself from reacting to my hurt feelings. I was able to recognize that what he did was a show of love in his love language, and his asking if my boots were clean was just his overly-practical side coming out.

 

So I thanked him for his hard work and then I asked for the hug and kiss that I wanted.

 

If I didn't know that cleaning the house for me was somehow an expression of love in his love language, I probably would have been pissed at him for days!

 

Figure out what your BF's love language is and learn to recognize when he is showing you that he loves you in his own way. Don't try to force him to communicate with you in your love language.

 

BINGO!

 

My ex's love language was Acts of Service as I mentioned and I'm Physical Touch (most of us also have a very close second LL as well).

 

The real work happens after reading the book together. It's not only recognizing each other's love language but providing that kind of love to your partner.

 

So, if my ex is a guy who expresses love by doing things like cleaning the snow off my car or taking out the garbage without being asked then the way HE feels loved is if I did a similar act for him. And vice versa.

 

Just because we know each other's love language isn't enough. There is a great divide between Acts of Service and Physical Touch for heaven's sake. Although I may recognize and appreciate my ex's acts of love, I still need physical touch to know and feel loved. That doesn't necessarily change.

 

The challenge is having a partner who'll want to apply the principles of the book as much as you do. If not, you'll always feel frustrated in some way.

[starla33]

If you coerce it out of him, does that not render the expression meaningless, at least in that moment and the near future? It's a little bit like stealing your birthday present isn't it?

 

There are at least three possibilities... 1. he feels it but is not comfortable saying it (intimacy issues), 2. he doesn't believe it's time to say it yet, and 3. he's not feeling it. Don't assume too much.

 

If you're feeling it say it to him, but not because of your expectations. Give him the opportunity but don't coerce. Don't leave a long, awkward silence hanging, and don't pout or go sour on him if he doesn't.

 

Is he able to say how he feels about other things? Some guys are so closed off with regard to expressing emotion, probably because they were taught to be, that they hardly even have the words in their vocabulary. If that's the case then you might want to try and teach [encourage] him to say what he feels generally, and talk about it some in a different context. Make him feel that his vulnerability is safe with you, that you will always honor it.

 

 

He can't express emotions at all so i feel like i will never hear him say it unless i tell him flat out that i need to hear that

[starla33]

I'm just really frustrated at this point and he doesn't express how he feels at all verbally. If i don't hear it soon I'm honestly feeling the need to move on

[kjohn]

I'm just really frustrated at this point and he doesn't express how he feels at all verbally. If i don't hear it soon I'm honestly feeling the need to move on

 

If this is a dealbreaker for you and you feel that his lack of ability to show emotion makes the two of you incompatible then maybe it is the best decision for you to move on.

 

One of my favorite quotes from Maya Angelou is "When somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

 

He is who he is and he may not be right for you.

[starla33]

If this is a dealbreaker for you and you feel that his lack of ability to show emotion makes the two of you incompatible then maybe it is the best decision for you to move on.

 

One of my favorite quotes from Maya Angelou is "When somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

 

He is who he is and he may not be right for you.

 

Well I like that he shows it in other ways. however I NEED to hear the L word which should not be that much to ask honestly

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm just really frustrated at this point and he doesn't express how he feels at all verbally. If i don't hear it soon I'm honestly feeling the need to move on

I was in this situation once, and broke up because of it. He came back and I gave him a second chance. Then he said it, but hardly ever, in an almost clinical way. I never felt loved by him, so I broke up again, that time for good. He also said he was "not expressive". I have a feeling that when he's really in love, he'll find himself being a lot more expressive, at least enough that she feels no doubt he really loves her.

 

In the words of jazz singer Madeleine Peyroux, "When something's not right, it's wrong." Expressed in this lovely good-bye song:

[jen1447]

I think virtually anyone can move or be moved out of their comfort zone, so sth so simple as saying "I love you" being a problem seems like a copout, even if you're not verbally expressive. It could be a measure of how inspired (or not) a person is more than anything else. Prioritizing your comfort thru lack of simple expression means your partner's (reasonable) needs are a lesser priority ....nuff said.

 

(That's not me being the grim reaper btw - do ask him about it, but if he says no, then well ....)

[salparadise]

He can't express emotions at all so i feel like i will never hear him say it unless i tell him flat out that i need to hear that

 

Ah, well that would be difficult. For me at least, the central interaction in a romantic relationship is using words to share feelings. I think it's possible to learn (for most men), perhaps with a lot of time and effort, and that's assuming he's really motivated... as opposed to doing so because he "supposed to." Or there could be underlying difficulties that make it next to impossible for him. It must be very difficult for you. I'll be interested to know how you decide to deal with it.

[starla33]

I was in this situation once, and broke up because of it. He came back and I gave him a second chance. Then he said it, but hardly ever, in an almost clinical way. I never felt loved by him, so I broke up again, that time for good. He also said he was "not expressive". I have a feeling that when he's really in love, he'll find himself being a lot more expressive, at least enough that she feels no doubt he really loves her.

 

In the words of jazz singer Madeleine Peyroux, "When something's not right, it's wrong." Expressed in this lovely good-bye song:

 

Well he does show it in other ways so it's not that I don't feel cared for, it's just that I need to hear at this point. I haven't said it either so I'm just as bad I guess and scared to say it.

[Emilia]

Maybe you are scared to say it because you know there is no love there on his part? This sort of thing has ALWAYS come up in my relationships within 3 months or so. I can't imagine being so intimate and close to someone for 10 months without mutual love. Why do this??

[starla33]

Maybe you are scared to say it because you know there is no love there on his part? This sort of thing has ALWAYS come up in my relationships within 3 months or so. I can't imagine being so intimate and close to someone for 10 months without mutual love. Why do this??

 

Uh no I'm scared to say it because I've never said it to anyone first

[Els]

It sounds like both of you have incompatible love languages IMO. I come from a culture where people almost never verbally say 'ILY', but their actions speak thousands of words. Personally I don't much care for words, because I think words are easy for a smooth talker to use, whereas investment of time, effort, etc is something that is much more genuine. However, YOU have the right to need what you need in a relationship. And if what you really need is words - and you have told him this and there is no change - then this guy probably isn't the right one for you. If you two have extremely incompatible love languages it's unlikely to work in the long term because neither of you will be able to show the other that you love them.

[elaine567]

I think you need to sort out his ED issues first, before you get in too deep with expecting ILYs and start complicating matters.

 

A young man who is emotionally unavailable to you, has ED and what sounds like a porn addiction, is probably not to be viewed as a viable long term partner - unless he sorts himself out.

[Lois_Griffin]

I think you need to sort out his ED issues first, before you get in too deep with expecting ILYs and start complicating matters.

 

A young man who is emotionally unavailable to you, has ED and what sounds like a porn addiction, is probably not to be viewed as a viable long term partner - unless he sorts himself out.

Ugh. This guy is a hot mess.

 

In your other thread, you say he has NO PROBLEM detailing sexually exactly what he wants.

 

So he has no problem telling you all about how he wants to do this and that in bed, but he can't seem to muster up an "I love you?"

[thestaircase]

Me and my husband have totally different love language, but we married and happy. What matter is I accept his love language, and he accept mine, and we compromise.

His love language is "Physical Touch". My love language is "Acts of Service".

We both doesn't say "I love you" to each others much, but I'm darn sure my husband loves me. His actions show it, he is an actions type of guy, not the word type.

 

 

I have the habbit of sleep on my stomach. And I lay in bed on my stomach play on my Laptop. If my husband see me lay on my stomach, he kiss my butt cheek.

Clothed or not clothed, when we in bed together he kiss my butt cheek, unless he have to work overnight that day.

I never ask my husband to say or do anything. He just do the things he do out of his own willing, and I accept it as that is his love language.

 

 

Ms. OP, if you want your boyfriend to verbally say the L word, then tell him so. Sit down and tell him that you want him to say the L word because it make you feel secure and feel loved. I'm sure if you explain it to your boyfriend, he will understand, and he will do it so you can be happy.

Edited May 24, 2015 by thestairs

[salparadise]

Since he is clueless about what I want to hear.

 

If i don't hear it soon I'm honestly feeling the need to move on

 

however I NEED to hear the L word which should not be that much to ask honestly

 

Uh no I'm scared to say it because I've never said it to anyone first

 

My goodness - a mexican standoff! Starla, I think you just need to break the ice so the two of you can start communicating and move forward. Somebody has to go first, and since you're the one who's getting antsy... honestly, I just can't see the rationale in contemplating breaking up with him for not saying it when you haven't said it either, or asked, or told him what you need... you're just sitting in silence with your anxiety building, and he's almost certainly feeling that and doing the same thing!

 

Just go for it––relieve the pressure. It doesn't make any sense not too if you care about him and want the relationship to progress. You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

[Emilia]

OP, I've read a few of your threads over the years and it seems to me that you aren't good at asserting yourself, to voice what you need or would like in a relationship. As a result, you seem to attract men who prefer women they can control. Maybe it's time to take charge for your half of the relationship rather than expect men to completely control the outcome?