Broke up over sexual history.

[unnamed]

Some of you might remember me from not too long ago, and maybe some of you might recall my problem. Well, I've done something about it, and I want opinions on what to do now.

 

I have been with my current girlfriend for 10 months now. We're very serious, and love each other very much. However, through all the delight, I have been bogged down by one problem, her sexual history. She did not do much (she never had sex), but what she did, to me, hurt enough to bring me down -- a lot. I came into the relationship pretty much 'untouched'.

 

Anyhow, we've been struggling with this problem for a while now. My problem has become her problem.

 

Tonight, I let her go. We got into another argument/discussion about it. We didn't purposely begin talking about it, but it inevitably came up.

 

So, after I brought her to her house, I told her that we are done. It was hard, but I did. I knew, thinking the whole way home, that I just couldn't go back. I had to be strong; I am ridding of a problem for her. Besides that, if we are meant to be together, which we both strongly feel, taking time apart will do no harm.

 

What do you people think? I suppose most of you will applaud me for letting her go and saving her even more pain, and I too fit into that category.

 

Thanks in advance for the input.

[Miss Mojo]

hi unnamed,

 

yes, i think in the whole scheme of things, what you did was right.

 

i know this, because i was in the same situation once myself. like you, our relationship was fantastic, but he was bogged down just like you. he reached the point where he was obsessing over it and picturing things in his head. i never even gave him details of what happened, but he still managed to create scenarios. he only brought it up a couple of times because he didn't think it would be fair on me to dredge it up all the time. and he was right.

 

you have used your head here and done what's right, but i might add that the way you have obssessed over her past is not mature at all.

 

you are ridding her of a problem, but if you ever consider getting back with her oneday, i would seriously suggest you do a bit of living first. maybe then you will realise that she has done absolutely nothing wrong.

 

but if you can't handle it now, then it is best to get out before things get really bad.

 

just try and understand that right now, she is probably feeling like crap because of her past when she shouldn't have to.

 

i think this is a huge case of feeling insecure and inadequate with a touch of possession thrown in, spiced up by the fact that deep down you wish it could have been you to have been the only guy to have touched her. but we're talking the real world here, and if she is disease free and a loyal girlfriend, then i don't see why it should matter.

 

but yes, you have done the right thing. while i feel very sorry for your girlfriend, i do applaud you at the same time for not wanting to pile your insecurities and problems onto her anymore.

[Tony T]

Well, when you put it like you do...letting her go to spare her pain...it sounds like you did something really nice.

 

But you also let her get rid of a guy who allows himself to be affected by the history of other people that is none of his business and who wasn't even around when it took place. You allowed her to get rid of a guy who has no control of his thoughts or feelings. You allowed a guy who would forsake love because he wasn't able to deal with a few blow jobs or what-not his girlfriend gave to other guys.

 

You let rid her of a guy who would rather hear lies and bull crap rather than the straight truth when he asks because he can't deal with the truth. She got rid of a guy who rushes to judge and/or obsesses when she makes a mistake and misjudges what he can or can't handle hearing. You allowed her to get rid of a guy who will kid himself for all time thinking he can find a girl who has nothing in her past. I mean you did this girl a major whopping favor.

 

My hat's off to you.

 

Now, unless you absolutely refuse to allow your future ladies to tell you about their previous intimacies, you are in for a very lonely life.

 

But you are extremely honorable to acknowledge your limitations and not require these ladies to hang in there with you and suffer their consequences.

[clia]

I agree with Tony. You probably did the right thing for her, since you obviously can't let go of your feelings and keep bringing it up. You say that the topic 'inevitably came up'. Why? Who brought it up? A topic like that doesn't just 'come up' out of the blue. (It's not like the stock market or the weather, for God's sakes.)

 

You didn't say how old you are, but you really need to prepare yourself for the fact that nearly everyone you will meet and want to date will have some kind of sexual history. (Unless you start dating teenagers, which is illegal in most states, depending on your age.) You should be thrilled that you found someone who hadn't had sex yet in this day and age. Good for you that you're basically untouched, but you are really limiting yourself if you can't learn to deal with your feelings.

 

Have you thought about why it bothers you so much? Are you insecure that you won't 'perform' up to the standards of the other guys she's been with? Are you concerned that she will compare you to other guys? Are you worried about your 'size'? There must be some reason. Granted, I wouldn't want to hear about my boyfriend's sexual history, but I know that he has one. Why in the heck did you guys get down to that level of detail in the first place? In future relationships, it's probably best for you not to ask, and not let her tell you if she lowers herself enough to bring it up.

 

The thing is, if she's been with you for 10 months, she obviously liked you for other reasons. That's huge. I'm afraid that you let your insecurities ruin a perfectly good relationship. Sorry to sound so harsh, but you really need to get to the root of why this bothers you so much. True, you might be able to find an untouched, clean girl one of these days, but keep in mind that they are few and far between. Most people have experimented at least a little bit.

 

Good luck.

[unnamed]

Well, you're right, I have essentially ruined a good relationship. But, we are strong together and we always will be. I'm just taking a break from her for the purpose of regaining strength and to gather some better insight, but moreso than anything else, know some sense into my head.

 

The problem used to be feeling inadequate. It occassionaly rears its ugly head, but she basically conquered it long ago. I have nothing to compare when talking in the context of performing, nor am I worried of my [large] size :-)

 

Anyhow, I'm 17 and so is she. I plan to be with no other, only this woman. But both of need to recover, and I need to generate a new focus to have my thoughts and actions subject to. The problem is seeing her with other men, obviously; knowing they did similar things like I do currently, knowing she did similar things, and moreover, projecting these details to image in my head. Its terrible.

 

I'm not looking for an "untouched" woman any longer, I found the one I want. I just need to find a way to overcome this obstacle, and if I can accomplish that feat, I do believe nearly anything coming my way will be just that much easier to cope with and surpass.

[ST]

If you were really meant for each other, the two of you will find you way back to each other. Obvioulsy she really loves you. I mean she has stayed with you even though you have been putting her through alot. Have you thought that maybe now she will be going through more pain because you are not there?

[Miss Mojo]

maybe now she will be going through more pain because you are not there?

 

that's right, she will be hurting from this - big time.

 

aside from that, i think you do need to get your head together unnamed, and you are doing the right thing for now. maybe in time, when you can view this from a more mature point of view, will you be able to accept what she has done and not let it affect a perfectly good relationship.

 

it would be a shame for you to not be able to work this out. trust me, i have been there. but i do believe it is something you need to do on your own - for your sake and for hers.

[unnamed]

... what I have to do, what I need to do, and what our relationship should be like.

 

It is just a long journey. I've started already, though, and I have no intention on retreating.

[Miss Mojo]

...it's the only way you'll be able to work this out.

 

good on you for be so willing to work on it. my ex was the same. he said he can't get past the past and seriously needs to address it.

 

i highly doubt we will ever get back together though. he really screwed himself up over it and said he needs to try to get over me.

 

i hope you can work this, just be sure to give it plenty of time

[Laurynn]

Yep, I agree Tony. My hat's off to him, too. He freed this girl of a guy who's obsessed and possessive....one who freely admitted, a couple months ago, that he would have graphic fantasies about brutally killing these guys his then-girlfriend had had previous acts of intimacy with. I sure hope this guy gets some serious counseling/therapy. For his own sake.

[Bubbles]

Some of you might remember me from not too long ago, and maybe some of you might recall my problem. Well, I've done something about it, and I want opinions on what to do now. I have been with my current girlfriend for 10 months now. We're very serious, and love each other very much. However, through all the delight, I have been bogged down by one problem, her sexual history. She did not do much (she never had sex), but what she did, to me, hurt enough to bring me down -- a lot. I came into the relationship pretty much 'untouched'. Anyhow, we've been struggling with this problem for a while now. My problem has become her problem.

 

Tonight, I let her go. We got into another argument/discussion about it. We didn't purposely begin talking about it, but it inevitably came up. So, after I brought her to her house, I told her that we are done. It was hard, but I did. I knew, thinking the whole way home, that I just couldn't go back. I had to be strong; I am ridding of a problem for her. Besides that, if we are meant to be together, which we both strongly feel, taking time apart will do no harm. What do you people think? I suppose most of you will applaud me for letting her go and saving her even more pain, and I too fit into that category. Thanks in advance for the input.

 

Hey unnamed,

 

Why don't you try getting a few sexual experiences for yourself and then why don't you try and explain that to your ex-girlfriend, I'm just curious as to how humiliated you would feel having to confess in the name of "honesty"

 

Why don't you try to walk in her shoes. If you don't know how humiliated she was; then you are the most selfish little B. at school. Good Luck with life Buddy! You'll never be the first to touch anything and with your attitude probably the girl who has'nt been touched is too ugly for anyone to want to ( and you're only 17? ) It seems to me that you're a little too concerned about what someone at school might be saying!