(Updates) Broke NC after 2 days. Now what?

[GoBomb36]

Hey guys, I'm in a pretty tough one here. Long story short, my girl and I were not doing well for a few months. We both quit doing little things, and it's gotten bad. It slapped me in the face this week as I realized how much I loved her and desperately want to be with her. The thought of not having her kills me, and quite honestly, I'm very torn up right now.

 

We moved in together in January. I've busted my tail this week to try and show her what she means to me, but I havent gotten much back from her. She told me she was very confused, but does love me and care about me. Last night, we talked and she said she doesn't know what she wants and she needs to be alone. Since we live together, I've decided to move out and go stay with a friend. I'm in the process of moving now and took a minute to see if I could get some feedback from you guys. She's not here now, as she had to go somewhere, but she saw me moving things out after I got back from church. I could tell she was upset by the look on her face (a look I HATE to see on her).

 

Am I doing the right thing? I know seeing her will kill me and not give her the space she needs to make a decision or miss me. Would you have any suggestions? Thanks, as always.

[y2k]

We moved in together in January. I've busted my tail this week to try and show her what she means to me, but I havent gotten much back from her. She told me she was very confused, but does love me and care about me.

 

This seems like the problem to me. Always give a girl 2/3 of what she gives you. Women (especially more if they're hot) are not attracted to needy men, or men who show more love and emotions than they do.

 

You made mistakes by quitting doing the little things, and I don't know why, but I sense you may have bored her.

 

Your best bet is to leave her alone, better yourself, and try to meet other girls that legit attract you. If she contacts you, just ask her out for a date. If she doesn't want to go, then just say "I gotta run" in a kind way. Keep at that until she breaks. I'm learning that when you actually leave them alone, many times they find ways to come back. It may take time, but this is what I personally learning now.

[jen1447]

She may be doubting your depth if she sees that you only take action when the writing's on the wall, and then suddenly acting like a kiss ass in the face of that won't help matters at all.

 

It's hard to know what to tell you without really knowing more about you and your situation. Forex, no offense but are you generally a kiss ass with her? You'll need a diff remedy if you are than if you're on the other side of the spectrum.

[NC-Thomas]

This seems like the problem to me. Always give a girl 2/3 of what she gives you. Women (especially more if they're hot) are not attracted to needy men, or men who show more love and emotions than they do.

 

You made mistakes by quitting doing the little things, and I don't know why, but I sense you may have bored her.

 

Your best bet is to leave her alone, better yourself, and try to meet other girls that legit attract you. If she contacts you, just ask her out for a date. If she doesn't want to go, then just say "I gotta run" in a kind way. Keep at that until she breaks. I'm learning that when you actually leave them alone, many times they find ways to come back. It may take time, but this is what I personally learning now.

 

I have the very same experience with girls that I've been with or have abandoned me.

 

The more you chase her, the more she will run.

 

She has to be the one to return. She knows where you are, and how to contact you. Therefore there is nothing really you can do right know except move on.

 

Ask yourself: do I want to chase somebody that is doubtfull of loving me in the first place? As I am a valuable and lovable person, do I not deserve 100%?

 

Does she know you want her back? In that case there is nothing you can do, no amount of reasoning or logic is going to convince her. Emotions are just what they are and can't be altered that easily. IF she truly feels that she loves you, she would be knocking at your door right now.

 

It's hard, but I think you need to go no contact.

[DJOkawari]

Ahhh, we've all been here . Just remember to judge people on their actions. Her actions say: "I looked sad but didn't stop you from moving out..in fact I initiated it". Don't weigh the sadness thing for more than it is. You tried. Remember that you busted your tail to show her what she means to you. She did not care about that. Have no guilt.

 

Go NC. She left you. This isn't some BS video-game you can just restart. She's giving up on your relationship and what it could have become. She's thinking of moving on. Maybe she has someone in mind. I have no clue, but these are all real possibilities.

 

Based on what you've said about her, I think she'll come back to you. Don't accept a date with her unless you know you won't be needy. If you feel like you're going to be needy just tell her that you need more time to deal with what she did to you.

 

I hate the fact that life is this way but this is all a power struggle at this point. She has the power at the moment. If she comes and begs you for a date, she'll concede that power. Remember, don't accept any contact from her that isn't a concession of this power. Do you remember the dynamic of your relationship before it got all messed up? You have to be in a position where you conceding power - you telling her you do want to be with her - gets you back to that previous, healthy dynamic. That's the level of effort she has put in to get you back. Otherwise, she's just going to leave you again.

 

My last piece of advice: I know about the power of tears and that sad face, man. It's the absolute worst when you love a girl and you see that she's sad, let alone sad because of you. Just remember, it isn't you who is making her sad. She's upset with herself. She made these decisions. She pushed you away. Good luck, this isn't easy, keep us posted.

[hunk]

This sounds like a power/dynamic issue and I think it's salvageable but only if you act properly. You need to man up and call the shots here. You need to think of this as wiping the slate and wrestling control from her. Stop talking to her completely from this point. Give her EXACTLY what she wants which is space and time, with ZERO contact whatsoever. From this moment every instance of communication you have with her will be negative and detrimental - pushing her away. Don't "let her make the decision" for you because that decision has ultimately already been made, she's over it for now. You can regain control and rebalance the dynamic by literally vanishing. She still has feelings for you they're just waning and will only be strengthened through her fundamentally realizing she wants you on a sexual level and this will only happen through you demonstrating worth which in turn will only happen if you shift to focusing on yourself and leaving her the hell alone. Forget about her. Nothing she does or says is your problem now and you have zero reason to be interacting with her unless it's to tell you she's made a mistake. A relationship isn't a negotiation - you need to reignite the flame she had for you that's slowly been dimming right now.

 

If you don't do this and you stay in contact and cater to her indecision without accepting that she's lost attraction for you, and just generally being a little weak doormat i promise it's over for good. Please take my advice.

[aloneinaz]

This sounds like a power/dynamic issue and I think it's salvageable but only if you act properly. You need to man up and call the shots here. You need to think of this as wiping the slate and wrestling control from her. Stop talking to her completely from this point. Give her EXACTLY what she wants which is space and time, with ZERO contact whatsoever. From this moment every instance of communication you have with her will be negative and detrimental - pushing her away. Don't "let her make the decision" for you because that decision has ultimately already been made, she's over it for now. You can regain control and rebalance the dynamic by literally vanishing. She still has feelings for you they're just waning and will only be strengthened through her fundamentally realizing she wants you on a sexual level and this will only happen through you demonstrating worth which in turn will only happen if you shift to focusing on yourself and leaving her the hell alone. Forget about her. Nothing she does or says is your problem now and you have zero reason to be interacting with her unless it's to tell you she's made a mistake. A relationship isn't a negotiation - you need to reignite the flame she had for you that's slowly been dimming right now.

 

If you don't do this and you stay in contact and cater to her indecision without accepting that she's lost attraction for you, and just generally being a little weak doormat i promise it's over for good. Please take my advice.

 

He's on point here^^

 

Vanish from her life. She's used to you being her *itch and at her beck and call. DON'T reply to her texts or other contacts and you should really block her. If you really want her back (personally, I don't think you should) you need to follow this advice. When women or men feel they have all the power in the relationship and "think" you'll always chase them, they lose respect and with that, attraction to you.

 

My ex GF and I broke up several times. Most of the time it was her ending it. I always chased her and got her back. I have no doubt she thought I'd always do this and she lost respect for me, treated me like **** (which I shouldn't of allowed) until she broke up with me again. I got pissed and said "She'll never hear from me again". I went FULL NC and blocked her on everything. I met another girl 3 months later who I'm still with 20 months later.

 

Well, the wussy (me) who always chased her and she THOUGHT would always run right back to her vanished from her life. I'm sure this bruised her ego to some extent. She dated for a few months then dated one guy for two months that was a disaster. A week after that relationship ended, and 6 months after ending our relationship, guess what? Yup, she started coming back after me. I had the pleasure of say NO THANKS.. If I had kept contacting her, looking like a wuss, she would never of come back, not that I wanted her too.

[GoBomb36]

Wow, you guys are great. I really appreciate all of the advice. I have to admit that I haven't been the best with NC in the past when I needed to do I. I'm pretty adamant about standing firm at this point because I figured it was the best thing to do (and you guys definitely confirmed that). Of course I heard from her through a long text telling me about her day and all (she had a rough one due to having a possible strep. Great, I know). Be proud, as I have yet to respond.

 

In a nutshell, she told me about that and stated that she was sorry about things between us and she has hated to see how upset I am the past few days. Said she is a mess and confused and needs time to sort this all out. She said she does believe time alone will help clear these things up.

 

I honestly can't say anything bad about her. She's great, but the wheels just fell off along the way. Here is where I have trouble with NC. What do you do when they do contact you?? I wasn't expecting that message nor was I prepared. You guys are great, and I appreciate everything you do.

[aloneinaz]

At this point you need to only worry about you. It really sounds like the relationship ran it's course and you both should move on to new people.

[hunk]

Ok dude i'm gonna stay with you on this one throughout the whole thing because I actually believe you can flip this one around and get what you want out of it. So don't do ANYTHING before running it through us.

 

Don't reply. At this point you really need to try and internalize the idea of just forgetting about her for now and focusing on you. Hammer this fact into your head - no contact will NOT hurt your chances of getting back with her, even though it feels like it will. It will only help. It is absolutely 100% essential and vital you stick with NC. Any contact right now will REDUCE attraction, reduce your worth in her eyes, reduce her desire to be with you. You need to start looking at this from a primal attraction standpoint, no more emotional thinking. This is the only way you'll save it. Stay strong with NC, you are 100% doing the correct thing. Do not respond to anything. If she cracks and asks why you're not responding, don't be immature - you can just tell her you agree with her - it's done, you both need to focus on yourselves, and she needs to sort herself out, like she's been telling you. Just FLIP IT ON HER on walk away. You also need to understand that right now the relationship is over purely because the feelings that she needs to have in order to stay with you are dying and/or dead. They can only be fanned back by you drastically making a change and this is through dropping the relationship on the spot and focusing on YOU.

 

If you can do this I can almost personally guarantee you will be hearing from her in the next few months. Stay strong, I actually really want to see this one work out for you. I'm invested.

[DJOkawari]

Agreeing with hunk, keep us updated, I'm invested :-P

 

I honestly can't say anything bad about her. She's great, but the wheels just fell off along the way. Here is where I have trouble with NC. What do you do when they do contact you?? I wasn't expecting that message nor was I prepared. You guys are great, and I appreciate everything you do.

 

Okay here's one bad thing about her: she made you move out - she thinks the best course of action for the two of you is for you to not be there. For the forseeable future she's given up on you and the relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if she had another guy now based on how she is treating you. Confused is the just another way of saying: I think I might be better off without you. Think about it, it's true.

 

She made you move out because she needs space and now she's texting you? That's ridiculous. If you have to text her just say: You asked for space, I'm giving it to you. I need space too. Stop texting me.

 

Then mind your own business. This is a breakup. Go workout and achieve some goals. Get a new haircut and some new clothes. You are an equal part of this relationship.You aren't her caretaker. Oh she needs someone to comfort her after a bad day? That's exactly what she doesn't get when she asks you to move out. That's exactly the sort of thing she loses when she quits on you.

Edited May 18, 2015 by DJOkawari

[hunk]

"You asked for space, I'm giving it to you. I need space too. Stop texting me."

 

I like this alot. She will make you feel guilty for this but you have to stay strong and realize why you're doing this.

 

You're going to be facing alot of wishy washy bull**** from her but what you need to understand is that ALL of it is communicating the same thing - "I'm not attracted to you anymore but I still want to know you're invested in me and i don't really know what i'm doing. I really want you to stand your ground and put me in my place because I love you but i need that feeling of wanting you and i'm not even aware of any of this but it's what I need from you so please do it"

[GoBomb36]

That's some good stuff there. She didn't actually make me move out. When she said she needed to be alone, there was never a time she said "you need to move out." I took it on myself as to say that it'll hurt me more if I stuck around. She was there when I started moving things out, and there was a look of shock and being upset on her face. It's like she was lost for words. She's told me she loves me. It's been tough to not say anything back to that text from last night.

[hunk]

Stick with it. I really really want this to work for you, i can't really explain why but i'd like to see the outcome of this. You've made zero mistakes re: the breakup before coming on LS which is pretty rare and are essentially a clean slate so you can do this 100% properly. Keep going.

Edited May 18, 2015 by hunk
bah

[Moley87]

Ok dude i'm gonna stay with you on this one throughout the whole thing because I actually believe you can flip this one around and get what you want out of it. So don't do ANYTHING before running it through us.

 

Don't reply. At this point you really need to try and internalize the idea of just forgetting about her for now and focusing on you. Hammer this fact into your head - no contact will NOT hurt your chances of getting back with her, even though it feels like it will. It will only help. It is absolutely 100% essential and vital you stick with NC. Any contact right now will REDUCE attraction, reduce your worth in her eyes, reduce her desire to be with you. You need to start looking at this from a primal attraction standpoint, no more emotional thinking. This is the only way you'll save it. Stay strong with NC, you are 100% doing the correct thing. Do not respond to anything. If she cracks and asks why you're not responding, don't be immature - you can just tell her you agree with her - it's done, you both need to focus on yourselves, and she needs to sort herself out, like she's been telling you. Just FLIP IT ON HER on walk away. You also need to understand that right now the relationship is over purely because the feelings that she needs to have in order to stay with you are dying and/or dead. They can only be fanned back by you drastically making a change and this is through dropping the relationship on the spot and focusing on YOU.

 

If you can do this I can almost personally guarantee you will be hearing from her in the next few months. Stay strong, I actually really want to see this one work out for you. I'm invested.

 

I Also agree with this , OP can you keep this thread going I would like to see how you get on here

[GoBomb36]

Thanks so much, guys! Your support is tremendous. I'm going to do everything I can. I do want it to work out. It's hard not texting her back knowing she had to go to the doctor, but I have to stick it out. Keep me motivated as NC in the past has been difficult for me.

[Moley87]

Go bomb NC is extremely hard and you must appreciate that at times the urge to ring/message will be huge

 

 

However you must all not go in NC hoping it will get your ex back, whilst in your case it's a good possibility you must also accept the risks involved with not getting an ex back.

 

 

In summary best option for you but keep yourself level headed and understand the risks.

 

 

However as Hulk said I'm very interested on your situation and would like to keep tabs with you on this if possible?

[hunk]

Your motivation should come from knowing NC is a win-win situation for you. It's literally the only thing that will bring her back and it's the only thing that will give you a headstart on healing should she not come back. You have no other alternative but more heartbreak if you don't stick to the NC route. There's your motivation.

[GoBomb36]

It really is my only option. I've tried my best to think like a girl, but I usually suck at thinking like a guy. Let's be realistic: I want her back, plain and simple, and I love her enough to do whatever it takes. I also loved her enough to move out to ensure she gets her space and time.

 

With the long text I received last night, what is she now thinking when she sees I have not replied? And I will certainly be glad to keep you all posted on this situation.

[Moley87]

It really is my only option. I've tried my best to think like a girl, but I usually suck at thinking like a guy. Let's be realistic: I want her back, plain and simple, and I love her enough to do whatever it takes. I also loved her enough to move out to ensure she gets her space and time.

 

With the long text I received last night, what is she now thinking when she sees I have not replied? And I will certainly be glad to keep you all posted on this situation.

 

 

At this stage personally wouldn't worry what she is thinking that you haven't replied, this is now about you for the time being, however she will have mixed feelings, sad,confused etc the usual feelings you get at this stage.

 

 

Try and switch off the attachment with her for some time , just say I Love this girl so for now space no contact is good - focus on what plans you have this week and work to them.

[aloneinaz]

It really is my only option. I've tried my best to think like a girl, but I usually suck at thinking like a guy. Let's be realistic: I want her back, plain and simple, and I love her enough to do whatever it takes. I also loved her enough to move out to ensure she gets her space and time.

 

With the long text I received last night, what is she now thinking when she sees I have not replied? And I will certainly be glad to keep you all posted on this situation.

 

It shouldn't really matter to you what she's thinking. At this point, she doesn't want to be with you anymore. Give her what she requests. Disappear/vanish. Give her a chance to miss you.

 

This time of NC will also allow you time to have a REALISTIC view on her and that relationship. You said yourself that it kind of got stale and in a boring routine. That was a sign that you two were not meant to be long term. Relationships run their course all the time. They simply burn out like a candle. Really spend this time away from her and ask yourself how you truly felt about each other.

[GoBomb36]

Received a text from her telling me I left some things back at the house from when I moved out. How do I handle getting those? Is this a cry to simply see me?

 

Thanks for your help!

[GoBomb36]

Guys, I was weak. Broke NC after only two days. Feel even worse. Now what do I do? I want to do whatever it takes to get this relationship back.

[Simon Phoenix]

Go back to No Contact and stop breaking it.

[KBarletta]

Based on reading some of your previous posts, she left because she had grown distant and was unsure about what she wanted. "I love you but I'm not in love with you." There isn't much you can do to change her mind, so I would not try. Whatever you do is unlikely to do anything except push her away further.

 

Stick to NC. If someone is going to put this relationship back on the front burner, it has to be her. One person can't make a reconciliation work.