To tell or not to tell

[goodyblue]

I don't know why everybody's getting so bent out of shape over this. After all, the daughter has contacted her and not the other way around. She did tell the truth. That's her right. I personally wouldn't reach out to them actively, but if the wife approached me, I wouldn't lie to her, either.

 

My guy's daughter called me right after dday, screaming, with her mother also screaming in the background like a lunatic... I referred her to her father several times and hung up.

 

He had been gone a couple of days and they were still in the throes of the realization that their father and husband had left (the daughter was early 20's at the time). I find it strange that she is co tasting solo after this long, but I think it is up to solo what she tells them.

Edited May 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[velvette]

For some reason, I just feel right now that he needs to be punished for what he has done to me and her.

 

 

This is a really bad place to be operating from. It could go on forever which is the last thing you need.

 

 

Should his BS be punishing you for your part in what the A has done to her? What about her daughter?

 

 

Or even MM? Should he be punishing you for however the A has harmed him?

 

 

And then what, should everyone be punishing each other for the harm that comes from punishing each other? Its nuts.

 

 

I think what you really want is to feel connected to MM or relevant in his life. That ship has sailed and using his wife and daughter to have some quasi version of that is not healthy for anyone involved, especially you.

 

 

If this continues, eventually they will realize that and don't be surprised if they don't retaliate.

 

 

Find a therapist and work through these residual feelings so you can move on with your life and be happy.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Solo, for some reason the daughter had a need to contact you. She's likely heard about you for quite awhile if she and her mom have discussed the issue.

 

This may have helped her finalize the issue in her own mind and bring somewhat of a psychological finality to an unpleasant era for her personally.

 

Although I would have told her to ask her dad rather than have informed her I see nothing wrong with telling her the truth. It probably was very helpful/healing to the daughter to hear someone tell it like it is. Because I can imagine the dad's been prevaricating to the whole family.

 

For those who think Solo is trying to prolong the drama, think again because Solo didn't contact the girl.

 

Moving away from the area is taking a huge step in stopping the drama. Solo wasn't doing anything at all with these people after the move until the daughter contacted her.

 

Actually telling the daughter the truth was cutting the drama short rather than letting the girl continue stewing about it. And the daughter is a grown woman, not a nine-year-old, who is already involved in the drama by virtue of being her mom's confidante.

 

Good for you, Solo.

 

I do want to say, though, having the desire to participate in punishing the exMM doesn't seem healthy to me. Don't worry, he'll suffer from this plenty even if you do nothing to "punish him."

 

Be as kind as possible. It always pays off in the end.

Edited May 22, 2015 by LivingWaterPlease

[velvette]

Well for what its worth, Solo said they were texting, so she really has no idea whether she was talking to the daughter or the mother.

[whichwayisup]

Well for what its worth, Solo said they were texting, so she really has no idea whether she was talking to the daughter or the mother.

 

Or even (ex)MM. Never say never.

[carhill]

My first opportunity arrived during a somewhat difficult political era when our then president Reagan offered his often-quoted statement of 'trust, but verify' and it got me to thinking why would a betrayed spouse believe some unknown third party regarding the activities of his wayward wife. Hence, that began the period, which has continued, of speaking no words but offering independently verifiable evidence. In the case of the lady in question, that was letters and cards in her handwriting, all neatly delivered to her husband. So, my MO became show, not tell. Too much hearsay and innuendo and social hacks in the telling business and, yup, been on the receiving end of those many times in life.

 

In this case, apparently the OP responded to a text from someone who she believed to be the daughter of her former affair partner and 'told' her. OK. Done and over. Can't unring that bell, the specifics and results of which are unknown. Lots of life left to live. This is now the past.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Or even (ex)MM. Never say never.

 

Had this thought, too, WWIU, after Velvette posted that it was a text Solo responded to. When I wrote my reply I hadn't read that "the daughter" had texted Solo. Not sure I'd have engaged in texting "the daughter," but, as Carhill said, "What's done is done." (or something like that).

[whichwayisup]

Solo I don't know if this has been asked or not? How did his daughter get your cell number?

[solostand]

She texted my old cell number which everyone had (even the BS). I didn't recognize the number or the message which was very weird, so I texted back on my new phone to find out who she was and if it was a wrong number.

[PhoenixRise]

Solo

 

What if you tell her, give her all your evidence, she believes you and she doesn't care.

 

What if she thinks to herself well Solo is gone and no longer an issue? What if she just writes off everything as another manifestation of his addictive personality and alcoholism?

 

I think you want to tell because he hurt YOU. Not because he has/is hurting her. The danger here is you can't control her response. Her response may not give you what you want.