Neighbor's toddler misbehaves - invite them to party or not?

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I'm having a summer bbq pool party for my wee ones early next month. I normally invite my son's & daughter's friends and their parents and I also like inviting some of the other toddlers (and their parents) that live in our neighborhood.

 

There's one neighbor that lives a couple of blocks away from us whose child I invited to my son's birthday party earlier this year. I don't like to talk bad about other peoples' kids, but...this little boy was a little terror at my son's party! He kept on touching the electronics on the shelf, almost knocked over my ficus tree because he was shaking it by it's trunk, this little boy stuck his fingers in my son's birthday cake before he could even make a wish and blow out the candles! These are just a few examples of the things this kid did at my son's party. His mother would tell him 'no don't touch that!' in a weak and unauthoritative voice. I don't like having to tell other peoples' kids 'no' or having to verbally discipline them. At one point, I told this mother that her son was disrupting my son's birthday party, and she said 'sorry, but kids will be kids I guess!' and she said it with a smile! That didn't sit well with me at all.

 

Word will get around in our neighborhood about my bbq pool party, so I know this mother will hear about it and will probably automatically bring her son here. I DON'T want her son at our bbq pool party because I can only imagine how much this little boy will misbehave! I don't feel like having to watch someone else's kid while I'm trying to enjoy having a summer bbq and pool fun with my own kids plus the other kids who have been invited that are WELL behaved.

 

I know it's not the little boy's fault that he's unruly - it's his mother's fault. But still, he is the way that he is - and, truth be told, I honestly don't want to invite him OR his mother to ANY events that I have in the future. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can say to this mother if she happens to show up at our door on the afternoon of our bbq pool party? I normally can be firm when I tell someone 'no'...but, part of me will feel bad having to turn this little (terror) kid away, because he won't understand why he can't join in on the fun with my son and my daughter as well as with the other kids. But, I've made my mind up - I DON'T want this little kid here at our bbq pool party.

 

I've thought about just telling this mother the truth about how unruly and how misbehaved her son is, which will no doubt hurt her feelings and put her on the defensive. On the other hand, I could just make something up, but I don't want to do that because then she'll just invite herself and her son to any other events I have at my home in the future.

 

Help!! What can I say to her that won't hurt her feelings but that will ensure that our bbq pool party will go off without a hitch and that it will be filled with fun, food and splashy good times in the pool? I don't want ANYTHING to ruin this day, and I KNOW that if I let this kid come over, he'll definitely do something that will ruin it!

 

Note: This kid has also hit my son in the arm at his birthday party because he wanted a toy that my son received as a birthday present. When I told his mother what he did, she knelt down in front of him, shook her finger at him and said in a calm voice 'you know that hitting is not nice!' and then she got up and walked away as if nothing had happened...the kid wasn't fazed by her verbal discipline at all! I was angry that this kid got away with hitting my son and my son did NOT deserve to have to deal with that on his BIRTHDAY!

 

 

Any suggestions that any of you have on what I can say to this mother if she shows up at my door would be GREATLY appreciated. If I (or anyone else here) can't come up with something polite and reasonable to say to this woman, I'm going to have to just tell her the truth. She won't like it, her feelings will get hurt, but oh well. I don't want to take the chance of her son misbehaving (and her inability to discipline her child) ruining our good time at our bbq pool party. I really wish people would just raise their children to respect others and to behave. I realize all kids will slip up every now and then, but to me, when they hit & slap other kids, when they touch things they KNOW they're NOT suppose to touch and when they deliberately misbehave - that's just NOT acceptable behavior!

 

 

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[Haydn]

Don`t invite her. Simple. Then you don`t have to say anything. I do this and it works.

 

It`s your party, who is there is up to you.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Don`t invite her. Simple. Then you don`t have to say anything. I do this and it works.

 

It`s your party, who is there is up to you.

 

 

Right, I have no intention of inviting her. BUT, since she lives close by and she'll most likely hear about my pool party from the other neighbors, it's a possibility that she may just SHOW UP at my front door with her son wearing water wings!! This is what I think could happen. If this doesn't happen, then that would be GREAT.

 

What would you say to this woman if she showed up at your door on the day of your pool party with her son? Since you're a guy, you'd probably have no problem telling her to buzz off lol. I guess my weakness is that I'll feel bad for the little boy, because he won't understand why he can't come to the pool party and why I would tell his mother that they can't come. I guess I just have to put that out of my mind. Maybe this will give her the incentive to verbally discipline her son better, to teach him manners and how to behave.

 

 

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[alphamale]

Don`t invite her. Simple. Then you don`t have to say anything. I do this and it works.

 

It`s your party, who is there is up to you.

hi BOZG. Take the advice from Haydn. You have to draw the line somewhere and inviting her will set a precedence.

[preraph]

No. If you've already talked to her and she blew you off because she's too weak to do the most basic discipline, do not invite her. She'll know why and it's on her.

[Tayla]

Consider this a learning lesson in honest diplomacy. Should she arrive with child in hand, guide her back out with a smile and honestly tell her this : it was thoughtful of you to come celebrate, yet in light of the last visit you graced us, our house is still not superglued down to combat the " kids will be kids environment" . and we certainly want safety to come first! Don't trip on the way out- Tata!! Be gracious and excuse yourself as hostess of this important day.

[GoBlue]

I've thought about just telling this mother the truth about how unruly and how misbehaved her son is, which will no doubt hurt her feelings and put her on the defensive. On the other hand, I could just make something up, but I don't want to do that because then she'll just invite herself and her son to any other events I have at my home in the future.

 

Making stories up and not being forthright always comes back to haunt me. Honesty seems to always be the best policy. I honestly doubt that this mother hasn't heard from others regarding her son's behavior. When you make your stand and tell her the exact reason why her child cannot come to your party, you actually model for her the proper way discipline works. Behavior carries consequences. It is your house and you get to invite who you want into your home. This kind of reality check could spark something in her and help her see that something needs to be done.

 

Having said that, I also believe this is a mother who probably needs fellowship and an understanding friend in her life. Have you considered asking her to spend some one-on-one time together - lunch, shopping trip, coffee - and maybe talking to her that way in a less threatening environment? It may open up the doors of communication where you can offer advice or suggest materials. One of the great books I have read is The Strong Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson. In any event, this is not an easy thing to deal with. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[whichwayisup]

You're not obligated to invite her, so don't.

 

Does she really have the balls to just show up uninvited?

[whichwayisup]

No. If you've already talked to her and she blew you off because she's too weak to do the most basic discipline, do not invite her. She'll know why and it's on her.

 

Yep. I agree. And if she has the nerve to brings it up (finds out about the pool party and asks you about it) then you just be honest with her and stress that you do not want to hurt her feelings and there's no easy way of saying it - Then explain it to her. How she dismissed your concerns when her son was touching everything and breaking stuff.

[still_an_Angel]

Don't invite her. If she shows up at your door with her son then you have to tell her that the last time her son was at your house for a party, it wasn't a fun time for you or your kids as he seriously misbehaved. Tell her you are very sorry but this time round you have a lot to do and organize and just don't have the patience to deal with unruly behaviour. Let her take it how she wants, its your party and you shouldn't be unhappy about the results. You have enough to deal with trying to make this a happy occasion for your child. Be firm and deliver it in a very diplomatic manner.

[littleplanet]

Well OP, I'll join the consensus here, and heartily agree with the general opinion. The party should be by invitation, only.

Some people don't have a clue how to properly discipline a child, and he should only have one chance to spoil your good time. He had it.

 

It's rather a sad reason to have to not roll out the welcome mat - but this is a big part of the reason why we teach our kids to behave. It's all about social responsibility. Raising someone else's kids for them is a bad show all around.

 

And if she 'crashes' your party - well, like son, like mom, um? That's just bad form. The bottom line should be that the good time you plan for yourself and your family does not get wrecked by her lousy parenting. She's not an aunt or a friend - she's just a neighbor.

You can have all the compassion and understanding in the world for her, and her kid.

But hey - it's your house, your party - your rules.

 

I hope y'all have a great time, now.

[elaine567]

If you know her, have a talk with her, and speak to her honestly about her son.

He may now be on medication and is learning how to behave well.

Nothing worse than feeling you are being ostracised and not knowing why.

She also needs to prepare her son as to why he will not be at your party too if that is what you decide.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Thanks everyone for your responses. And yes, although I'll feel bad for her son because he won't understand why he won't be invited to the bbq pool party, his mother will just have to explain it to him because I'm not going to take a chance in having our day ruined or disrupted by an unruly and undisciplined child. So, if she does have the nerve to show up at my front door during the pool party, I'm just going to tell her that because of how Evan behaved at my son's birthday party, I don't want my children or myself to have to deal with that at ANY time. But, if she works with Evan on improving his behavior and teaching him that it's NEVER acceptable for him to hit other kids, I might consider inviting him to my daughter's birthday party that's coming up later this summer.

 

Two posters mentioned something about talking with her and fellowshipping with her. That's interesting because as I was planning my bbq pool party I was thinking about if I ever saw her at our church, and I don't recall ever having seen her there. I mean, I could invite her over on a weekend that my my kids are with their dad and talk to her about Evan and just try to befriend her in general. But, she's just so different...she's on a higher income bracket than I am and she seems a tad bit (if not outright) conceited. She's always talking about traveling and business and other things that I really don't identify with as our family lives a more simpler lifestyle and the only places we travel to are the theme parks, the zoo, the beach and other low key places like that. Idk...I just don't see myself connecting with her on any level other than the fact that we both have kids. Besides, she seems to have a lot of friends, so she wouldn't see a need to have me as one, y'know?

 

 

Elaine, I don't know if Evan is on any medication and I'm sure she wouldn't tell me even if he was. It doesn't seem like he is.

 

It's too bad...because if Evan was more behaved, didn't lash out with hitting when he can't have what he wants and kept his temper tantrums under control, I think him and Kai would actually get along good. They both love Paw Patrol and playing with Legos. Oh well. Hopefully she'll work on his behavior so that in the future, maybe they both can play together.

 

 

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[preraph]

You'd never be able to change her mind on how to raise her son. Don't even try. Her whole lifetime led to this point and how she is.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

You're not obligated to invite her, so don't.

 

Does she really have the balls to just show up uninvited?

 

Yes. Yes she does. She showed up at my neighbor's bbq a few weeks ago without being invited. We were all in the backyard and she opened the gate and walked in with her son Evan and brought a bowl of potato salad (my neighbor had already made some). While bringing the dish to pass was polite, I could tell my neighbor was taken aback by the fact that she just strolled into her backyard without having been invited! We both looked at each other and didn't say a word. My neighbor is a really nice person and wouldn't have dared say anything to her. I, on the other hand, am a nice person...but am more inclined to speak my mind, even if I do so in a polite way.

 

 

@Preraph: I hear ya. I would entertain the notion of suggesting it to her IF she asked me why Evan is no longer invited to any future events that I have for my kids. But yeah, you're right. Evan is already 5, and she has spent FIVE YEARS raising him in this way. There would be absolutely nothing that I could say (or do) to change the way she raises him. I feel sorry for Evan. He's a cute little boy and he has the potential to be a sweet, kind and polite child with the proper guidance and discipline.

 

 

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[alphamale]

Yes. Yes she does. She showed up at my neighbor's bbq a few weeks ago without being invited. We were all in the backyard and she opened the gate and walked in with her son Evan and brought a bowl of potato salad (my neighbor had already made some). While bringing the dish to pass was polite, I could tell my neighbor was taken aback by the fact that she just strolled into her backyard without having been invited! We both looked at each other and didn't say a word. My neighbor is a really nice person and wouldn't have dared say anything to her. I, on the other hand, am a nice person...but am more inclined to speak my mind, even if I do so in a polite way.

at least she brought something to eat, i know people who would do the same thing and come empty-handed

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

at least she brought something to eat, i know people who would do the same thing and come empty-handed

 

That's almost exactly what my neighbor said lol. But STILL. I think she brought the dish to pass to soften the blow of her coming UNinvited, y'know? I'm curious Alphamale....if a guy came to YOUR bbq uninvited (even if he brought ribs, steak, nachos & cheese or w/e) what would you have said to him (if anything)???

 

 

 

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[alphamale]

I'm curious Alphamale....if a guy came to YOUR bbq uninvited (even if he brought ribs, steak, nachos & cheese or w/e) what would you have said to him (if anything)???

 

 

 

I would say who are you and why are you here? Actually, I have not had someone show up who is not invited.

[littleplanet]

Yes. Yes she does. She showed up at my neighbor's bbq a few weeks ago without being invited. We were all in the backyard and she opened the gate and walked in with her son Evan and brought a bowl of potato salad (my neighbor had already made some). While bringing the dish to pass was polite, I could tell my neighbor was taken aback by the fact that she just strolled into her backyard without having been invited! We both looked at each other and didn't say a word. My neighbor is a really nice person and wouldn't have dared say anything to her. I, on the other hand, am a nice person...but am more inclined to speak my mind, even if I do so in a polite way.

 

 

@Preraph: I hear ya. I would entertain the notion of suggesting it to her IF she asked me why Evan is no longer invited to any future events that I have for my kids. But yeah, you're right. Evan is already 5, and she has spent FIVE YEARS raising him in this way. There would be absolutely nothing that I could say (or do) to change the way she raises him. I feel sorry for Evan. He's a cute little boy and he has the potential to be a sweet, kind and polite child with the proper guidance and discipline.

 

 

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She needs to do some work on her parenting skills. Probably with the help of friends - not neighbors. (and perhaps, professionals.)

Often enough little boys who act like he does have serious anger issues.......nothing to do with medicated disorders or any other hoodoo voodoo hocus pocus. Just seriously pissed - and often enough good reason to be so. Kids aren't so stupid. They know enough to know what's missing in their lives. Like adults who know how to be adults.

 

A prescription I've always followed is just this: Kids know they're kids. They are not, by definition, adults. Which is why they really need the adults in their life to act the part.

And when that doesn't happen, they can get real confused. Which is a damned shame.

 

But you're absolutely right. Proper guidance and discipline certainly can't and shouldn't - be provided by yourself. That just winds up being a fool's game.

I guess there's nothing else but to head her off at the pass. Stand firm,and all that.

One thing that moms (and any loving parents) can understand is the need to protect their own children from inappropriate and potentially hurtful situations. That's kind of a no-brainer.

(just requires a little bit of brains )

 

It's my party and I'll 'bounce' if I want to.............................

[preraph]

My friend's son was pushy and rude and unruly for awhile, and it was because she just didn't like to tell him no and he was used to getting her attention anytime he wanted it without restraint. He is better now he's older, but still if he demands something, he can change the plans of the entire family. She had invited people to a holiday dinner one year and she cancelled because he told her he wanted just family (because he has to be on good behavior when it's not just family).