Groovy Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 I have dated this guy for 3 months. I knew he really liked from the start. I am 32 and he's 34. His wife who was older passed away from a heart attack 4 years ago but he seems to be over the loss. He's lived with a 2 GF's. I on the other hand have never lived with anyone or been engaged. I have been through some things like sexual abuse that just make me more leery of intimacy. I am capable but it's hard for me. It's early to declare my BF "The One". I know I love him and would really miss him if he left my life. Many people just know right away and some don't. MY BF knew right away and as long as he accepts I am not ready then there is no problem. I have told him that. He said he'd only ask me if I am ready. And I've been careful to make sure my feelings are mine and not created out of expectation and pressure. We have looked at Diamonds together he said "so when the time comes I'll know what you like". So I figured fair enough in passing months he can choose something if it works out. I went to the mall today and we passed by a Diamond store. He said he wanted to look and ended up buying the ring I liked! He said he's not asking me to be engaged. He can return it in 30 days for money or get a credit within 90 days. I am excited and a little bit angry. I kind of go in between because he is such a great guy and I do sometimes have fantasies of us married but I made it clear I wanted to wait to explore my feelings more. So why even buy a ring? He said he didn't plan it, it just seemed like the perfect ring, a great sale and it felt right. I could ask him to return it within 30 days and shoot the man down that may be the right guy. Or I could just wait and explore my feelings more figuring if he's out the money then that's his fault for not listening to my concerns and waiting like I wanted. I feel like he's put me in a difficult situation and am not sure what to do. Please help! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 You are not really engaged, he just bought you a ring. He hasn't proposed to you yet. In any case, tell him what you wrote here. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Three months is too soon to be sure. As long as he doesn't mind keeping the ring indefintely, let him keep it but don't accept until you are ready. I would warn anybody to not agree to marry until a minimum of a year has passed. That's usually long enough for major flaws, if there are any, to appear. And you really want to know about the major flaws before you marry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Groovy Posted April 24, 2005 Author Share Posted April 24, 2005 Thanks. Actually Moimeme, this is the guy who got feelings for me really quickly and you said it was a red flag in a post I made. There's really nothing wrong, no reason for me not to marry him. Apparently my dad did the same thing to my mom wanting to rush in and my uncle did to my aunt as well. All good people but like you both said it's only been 3 months. I'm one of those people who will want it to be for the rest of my life, a long time! So of course I need to make sure it's Mr.Right. There are a few small things that concern me but I guess no one is perfect. I guess just mentioning I am not ready yet but let him keep the ring at his own discretion is the best choice. He did blow $1000 on it but I guess the dynamics of the issue are about feelings and not the cost. Without the ring I will feel less pressure but guilt will be there if I told him it creates pressure and get rid of it. Most importantly it will be hard for him to move in a positive direction with me and I want that. And all because I do think he may be perfect for me, but getting engaged in 90 days is insane! Why is it men always want to be an instant husband or run away from ANY committment like it's a death trap. Jeez, there's no freaking middle ground.... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 There's really nothing wrong, no reason for me not to marry him The thing is that you don't know that for sure. People with big issues or serious problems get very good at hiding their issues and pretending the problems don't exist. Three months is short enough - they can manage to keep things under wraps that long. Usually, in my experience and that of friends and others, problems will start to show themselves between six months and a year. I have said it before but possibly not to you that if he's a wonderful guy, waiting a year won't make a difference. If he's not a wonderful guy, you'll be exceedingly thankful that you waited. Link to post Share on other sites
Donut Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Hey groovy, it does sound too fast to me and like he is pressuring it by buying the ring, you're in a difficult position. What happened with these 2 other gf's that he lived with? What caused them to part ways? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Groovy Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 Donut, one gal was extremely manic and he couldn't handle the mood swings. I don't know about the other one. E-mails are a cop out sometimes but yet a good way to organize your thoughts so I sent one. I just mentioned a lot of people would assume that my decision is made and an engagement is assumed based on the fact I did not oppose to the ring. But did state I was surprised he bought it because I have told him that I am not ready and he took a gamble. It certainly hasn't ruined it all because I care about him and see potential but it was a bad move! I'm in charge of the time table. I may be ready in 3 months, maybe a year or maybe never! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Groovy- Did you know this guy before?? Do you know anyone who knows him?? My BF and I have been together six months. One thing that helped me is that right after I met him and we had been talking for a couple of weeks I found out that a girl who worked for me knew him. He had dated her best friend for two years before he started dating his wife (now his ex wife). She went on and on about what a great guy he was, how well he would treat me etc. That really helped because I had it in my mind that he was a great guy- but you know you never know when you first meet someone. She had rather glowing things to say about him, and she said, I've met alot of guys but he is the nicest one I've ever met and he will treat you like a princess. She also said, "You would break his heart before he would ever break yours"- her best friend had dumped him. Turns out so far she has been completely right on! We have talked about marriage. I think sometimes people can "know" early on and some people it takes a while. I know a woman who knew her husband two weeks before they got married and they are on 30+ years and just like newlyweds so you never know. It's scary as hell, I know. The thing for me was this- was I willing to blow things with a completely great guy just because I was scared?? No, I wasn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 I don't think that it was a good decision to buy the ring right away. There will be other sales. I can understand why you would now feel pressure. I have to agree with taking your time to get to know someone. I fell for a guy who was the nicest guy. Seemed to be hard-working, wanted to start his own business, blah, blah, blah. The topic of "How would you change the world?" came up once and his response was to eliminate greed, because it took so much away from people who have nothing and gave so much to those who don't. I kinda liked his answer and his reasoning. Well, he is a computer geek. I thought the business he wanted to start was some sort of IT thing. Low and behold, after over nine months and having it bad for this guy, I found out that the business he wanted to go into was a porn-site. *SIGH* When he told me, there was dead silence. We both knew from that moment on that our relationship had changed. The thing is, I see a porn website as greedy (among other things). He even said, "I can make $10K a month with one!" And you know what? Even though I had to do what was right for my soul, it still hurts. So, please, be sure that you are ready to be married. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 something is very wrong in this picture GROOVY. It is up to you to find what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Ewwww- little honey- hmmmmm it's not greedy when he does it but it is when someone else does it. Do these people have no "home training"??? Link to post Share on other sites
sweetadeline Posted April 25, 2005 Share Posted April 25, 2005 Groovy-- I've been following your posts about this situation. I was in a very similar one until last week. There's one big difference, in that the guy I was seeing got out of an eight-year relationship last summer. That relationship ended because his ex didn't want to get married and he did. After he and I had been seeing each other for for two and a half months, he brought up the subject of living together (as a prelude to marriage) this fall. I told him that I needed more time to get to know him, but he kept raising the issue. Then, last week, he decided to break up on the grounds that he didn't want to waste time. The reason I'm going through my story is that in my case, the way the guy reacted to my feelings of not being ready was to press me harder. That, in turn, made me feel that he cared more about getting married to someone than he did about getting married to me. Your guy sounds more healthy than that--he's not on the rebound, right?--but I would still pay close attention to how he reacts to your feelings about the ring. If he can give you the time you need, that's a good sign. If he starts pressing harder, or doing anything else that indicates that he's not really hearing you, I'd pay attention to that too. People don't usually move on the same romantic timetable, but if they can't adjust to one another (within reasonable limits), that's something to notice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Groovy Posted April 25, 2005 Author Share Posted April 25, 2005 I told him today the ring was a gamble because I haven't accepted or refused the notion. He did say he bought it now so when and if he proposed, the ring was paid for with monthly installments starting now. But admitted he has a lot of faith in us ending up together. That at the time he didn't really think about the pressure it would create. He just saw the ring and wanted it for me. Although my BF brings up the future with me a lot, he never acts coercive or demanding. I know if I'd let him marry me right now he would. Buying the ring felt a little bit like manipulation but I can't say he's done manipulating things before so it could just be a bad choice based on his feelings clouding his judgement. Many people on this board claim they knew they wanted their spouse when they met them in the first few hours. Some people didn't recognize it until months went by and feelings were allowed to grow. Some people wait 2 weeks and some people 2 years. Everyone has different ways of thinking and feeling. I won't lie and say there's no pressure from him or even other people who know now Some think he's great and I need to wear the ring and other people think he's off his rocker..... (including me, lol). I've done the responsible thing and told him how I feel. Nothing left to do but let time pass and keep communication open. Thanks everyone for listening to me and helping me out. Link to post Share on other sites
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