Unintentional abuse by mother?

[SerCay]

I'm not even sure if I should post this here, or under "parenting", yet it's an issue that has been on my mind for a long time now.

 

First of all I have to mention that I certainly am not a person who likes to blame others for their problems or failures in life, I like to self reflect and believe there's always fault to be find within ones own actions.

 

That said, I there are some things from my childhood, which I cannot ignore any longer. Especially as the behaviour is still going on now that I'm an adult.

 

It's my mother. I love her to death and she is the sweetest and most devoted mother I've ever met. But...there's a big but.

 

Since I was a kid, she has forced mine and my brothers choices. For example: My brother was a really good soccer player, and was asked to be a professional. She stopped him because she thought school was more important. What happened next is that my brother didn't finish college until he was 35.

 

I was very good at gymnastics and was asked to go for try outs to attend the professional team, she didn't let me go because of an earlier knee injury. She never planned for me to attend another try out either. She just let it slip and eventually I stopped gymnastics because there was nothing left for me to learn on the amateur team anymore.

 

She pushed us for school so much that my brother and I both actually failed to finish it until a latter age.

 

I am now 28, independent and on my own, and she STILL asks about my classes every day. Whenever my answer isn't in line with what she wants, she gets disappointed. This is a big thing of my mother. To get disappointed.

 

She acts as if we owe her a diploma, and this attitude and her disappointment acts have partly ruined my brother and my childhood.

 

Also, at our house there were never compliments. My mom doesn't believe in compliments. She believes in criticizing. Because the good things are obvious, and the bad things need to be pointed out. Next to the school stuff, this non-complimental yet criticizing upbringing has caused me to become very insecure about myself in my younger years. Then I got bullied in highschool and my insecurity got even worse. Especialy because there were never compliments at our house.

 

Everything was criticized, but in a "sweet"way. I know this sounds weird but it's true. It would be wrapped in a joke or a general statement about my persona.

 

Even though I was always very much praised in art and music at school and outside activities, my parents never stimulated me further. All that was focused on was school.

 

Now that I'm older, I thought that I had become a secure and independent person. But the more I learn, the less I know about myself. I now know that I'm more insecure than I ever was, and it does absolutely have ties to my upbringing of no compliments and always being criticized.

 

Btw, the same is still going on. The difference now is, that I've accepted that this is a part f my mom's character and I can put space between us as I live on my own.

 

An example that it's still going on: I told her the other day that I'm going to quit my study and start studying psychology and doing volunteer work from next year on. She went on how psychology would not be a suitable job for me and that I should go back to being an English major, because it "suits me so well" according to her.

 

To summarize, I noticed that it's all about her. It's never been about me, my personality, my likings and talents, it was and still is, about her failure or success depending on me finishing school and also finishing the school SHE thinks is best.

 

This is backed up by her trait of never being able to admit she was wrong. Never in her life my mother has ever admitted that she was wrong about something. In the past I used to get really pissed off about this, now, like I said before, I just accept it as a part of her character.

 

Again, I'm not sure whether this was abuse or not, but it did damage me in such a way that I have to reinvent and rebuild myself.

 

Does anyone recognize this pattern? Wow, I feel so guilty for having written this even

[Tayla]

sercay, to express here , is a good thing. its your environment and concern. appreciate the honesty.

 

my step mom was a true southern lady that could serve up an insult in such a way you thought it was a compliment. She definitely knew how to cut a person down .... so yes.... it does ire a person.

 

Perhaps the acknowledgment that her desires are not yours will be more known thru simply doing. state your actions, then do them.

 

I am not one to bash parents yet sometimes as adults we do need to be on the same playing field... and this includes how we treat others....

 

i think you are gaining insight and that will serve you thru this transition.

 

Be well, stay the course, you got alot of good living to do!!

[autumnnight]

No this is not abuse. But I am sure it hurt, nonetheless.

[mrs rubble]

My mother is a lot like yours. I wanted to be a journalist, but my mother didn't think that was the job for me so vetoed it, she also bullied me into terminating a pregnancy and she's tried telling my son what job he should do too! I don't think it's abuse, it's sort of over-protective, don't want to see you fail type attitude, controlling or bullying behaviour.

All you need to do is stand up to her. She won't like it, but if you want to live the rest of your life your way you will need to.

I stood up to my mother when she tried to force me to terminate my second pregnancy, I told her that I was an adult and I would be making my decisions. She is actually very proud of what I've acomplished nowdays and despite her concerns over my choices, in her eyes she feels I've done better in life than my cousins!!

[SerCay]

she feels I've done better in life than my cousins!!

 

And here you say something very interesting...why on earth would you even compare your kid to another's?? It's the unconscious comparing me to others. She doesn't say it out loud, but WHY on earth would you decide on beforehand, your daughters fate, without even looking at her character, if it weren't for you to be able to feel as if your kids have been doing better than anyone elses?

 

I can't help but think that it has been her own race she let me and my brother (try to) run. Unfortunately, it caused us to be very inscure. If she had stopped and taken a look at the actual persons we are, she would've seen that we're more talented in arts and sports than we are in studying and school.

 

I don't know guys, it just feels there's something wrong. Shouldn't a child feel as if their parents are proud of them every step of the way? Shouldn't parents praise their children on their victories (small or big)? I mean no compliments AT ALL during a whole childhood?

 

Anyone experience with that? The no-complimenting yet always-criticizing part?

[SerCay]

I don't think it's abuse, it's sort of over-protective, don't want to see you fail type attitude

 

This might have been her intention indeed. But then mybrother and I failed miserably at school. We both dropped out of highschool and started studying later on in life. So the overprotecting had the opposite effect, we failed in the one thing she was so overprotective about.

[darkmoon]

if you decribed her, not from a daughter's pov, but from an equal's, co-adult's pov, she would prolly come off a somebody to drop, she must be able to see how bad your reaction to her is, my mother planned my life too

 

independent? if you are not living with her, ok, just give a her a choice, to stop or not, tell her straight, over a coffee, you do not want an arguement

 

or you will continue to be barred from the things life offers, is this your plan?

Edited May 21, 2015 by darkmoon

[GoBlue]

Again, I'm not sure whether this was abuse or not, but it did damage me in such a way that I have to reinvent and rebuild myself.

 

The label that you apply to this is not the most important issue at hand. The fact that there are hurt feelings and an awareness that your mom's behavior has had an impact on you is the issue. I would not call it "abuse" because that word gets thrown around a lot these days. It seems to me that the mid to late twenties is the time when a lot of young adults begin to look at their upbringing and begin to realize how much of an impact the family environment had on them as people. It happened to me. I realized that I had a lot of anger towards my dad and I didn't really know why. Through prayer and honest seeking, I received my answer.

 

The goal of such reflection should never be to place blame on someone else. To do so allows the situation to continue exerting control over your life. I guarantee that your mother did not do these things to intentionally hurt you. I believe that she really does love you and that this is a part of her make-up as an individual and was also probably a part of her upbringing. When I finally realized why I was so angry with my father, I wrote him a letter and explained why I felt the way I did. I also told him that I forgave him and that I loved him - that I know he never would have intentionally hurt me. I then laid my heart bare before God and asked Him to forgive me and to equip me to move forward in forgiveness and grace. He answered that prayer and my relationship with my father changed dramatically.

 

I am not a professional counselor and I realize that there are many layers to our family relationships. Have you considered meeting with a counselor and talking about these things? I can guarantee you one thing - true healing always comes through forgiveness. I hope you will meet with someone and get all of it out so you can deal with it and move forward. If you want help finding a counselor send me a private message and I will give you some information. In the mean-time, be blessed! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Minnie09]

My mother never gave me any options, either. It was her way or the highway. So everything I've accomplished in life, incl. higher education, was my own doing and my own hard work, without any financial or moral support. Unlike your mother, though, mine was never actively involved in my life. She just didn't want to be bothered or spend any money on extracurricular activities or anything whatsoever. She just wasn't supportive at all. No guidance. No nothing. Just absolutely focused on herself only. And yes.......I never got praised, either. Just criticized - because accomplishments are the standard, normal and expected, but failures or bad results are the end of the world.

 

I'm now a mother myself, and what matters to me as a parent is that my son feels appreciated, that he is proud of himself and that he makes an effort in everything he does. That way, he will learn that everything must be earned, and as a consequence, if he works hard and accomplishes something of significance, he will be rewarded by feeling good about himself. In order to get him there, I have to push him sometimes, and sometimes I feel like I'm pushing him too hard. I want him to make good choices, and if he doesn't, I need to show him how. These choices may not be his choices, because young kids are just very focused on the moment. They don't see the long-term benefits of things. And I catch myself feeling disappointed, if he does make the wrong choices. I sometimes don't understand why he would choose one thing over the other, when the one thing is clearly the better choice. When I catch myself doing that, I need to remind myself that he is only a child. And I'm the adult. I do get disappointed sometimes, and I voice it occasionally. And reading your story and how your mother was always disappointed makes me cringe. It is kind of an eye-opener. Parenting is hard.

[SerCay]

Then another thing next to being raised overprotected.

 

I was spoiled....so so spoiled that I didn't know the value of money, and got into large debts at an early age, once I moved out of my mom's. My parents paid off once of my debts and I'm still trying to pay off the other, but there's a link between serotonine and spending money in my brain, that's for sure.

 

Once again, this was done from a place of love, but it's caused me troubles which I at 28 yrs old, still haven't solved...

 

Only earlier this year, after a huge fight with my dad, I decided that it's time for me to fly away from my parent's ever protecting money source.

Sounds as if we're supr rich, but we're not. My parents are just the kind of loving people who are not scared to spend all their money to help us. BUT again, this has caused me damage, I only got a true sense of responsibility for myself this year, and I decided I'll be accepting no money from my parents any longer.

 

I think parenting must be the hardest thing ever. Because all of these things were done out of love and care :S isn't it weird.

[Radu]

I'm not even sure if I should post this here, or under "parenting", yet it's an issue that has been on my mind for a long time now.

 

First of all I have to mention that I certainly am not a person who likes to blame others for their problems or failures in life, I like to self reflect and believe there's always fault to be find within ones own actions.

 

That said, I there are some things from my childhood, which I cannot ignore any longer. Especially as the behaviour is still going on now that I'm an adult.

 

It's my mother. I love her to death and she is the sweetest and most devoted mother I've ever met. But...there's a big but.

 

Since I was a kid, she has forced mine and my brothers choices. For example: My brother was a really good soccer player, and was asked to be a professional. She stopped him because she thought school was more important. What happened next is that my brother didn't finish college until he was 35.

 

I was very good at gymnastics and was asked to go for try outs to attend the professional team, she didn't let me go because of an earlier knee injury. She never planned for me to attend another try out either. She just let it slip and eventually I stopped gymnastics because there was nothing left for me to learn on the amateur team anymore.

This is not necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, as few ppl truly make it as athletes.

The safe bet is to stick with school

Interesting method in which she handled it though.

 

She pushed us for school so much that my brother and I both actually failed to finish it until a latter age.

 

I am now 28, independent and on my own, and she STILL asks about my classes every day. Whenever my answer isn't in line with what she wants, she gets disappointed. This is a big thing of my mother. To get disappointed.

 

She acts as if we owe her a diploma, and this attitude and her disappointment acts have partly ruined my brother and my childhood.

 

Also, at our house there were never compliments. My mom doesn't believe in compliments. She believes in criticizing. Because the good things are obvious, and the bad things need to be pointed out. Next to the school stuff, this non-complimental yet criticizing upbringing has caused me to become very insecure about myself in my younger years. Then I got bullied in highschool and my insecurity got even worse. Especialy because there were never compliments at our house.

It could be construed to be psychological abuse.

 

If you want to mess someone up, this is the thing to do.

If you want to build someone up, the thing to do is to say 'good' to good things [even little ones] and never anything to the bad ones.

 

Everything was criticized, but in a "sweet"way. I know this sounds weird but it's true. It would be wrapped in a joke or a general statement about my persona.

What you are describing is called passive-aggressive.

 

Even though I was always very much praised in art and music at school and outside activities, my parents never stimulated me further. All that was focused on was school.

 

Now that I'm older, I thought that I had become a secure and independent person. But the more I learn, the less I know about myself. I now know that I'm more insecure than I ever was, and it does absolutely have ties to my upbringing of no compliments and always being criticized.

 

Btw, the same is still going on. The difference now is, that I've accepted that this is a part f my mom's character and I can put space between us as I live on my own.

 

An example that it's still going on: I told her the other day that I'm going to quit my study and start studying psychology and doing volunteer work from next year on. She went on how psychology would not be a suitable job for me and that I should go back to being an English major, because it "suits me so well" according to her.

I can't comment on any of those .. though psychology probably pays better, it takes ages to make it work for you.

 

 

To summarize, I noticed that it's all about her. It's never been about me, my personality, my likings and talents, it was and still is, about her failure or success depending on me finishing school and also finishing the school SHE thinks is best.

 

This is backed up by her trait of never being able to admit she was wrong. Never in her life my mother has ever admitted that she was wrong about something. In the past I used to get really pissed off about this, now, like I said before, I just accept it as a part of her character.

 

Again, I'm not sure whether this was abuse or not, but it did damage me in such a way that I have to reinvent and rebuild myself.

 

Does anyone recognize this pattern? Wow, I feel so guilty for having written this even

It could be a lot of things.

It could be insecurity in her, afraid of admitting fault.

It could be that she believes she is always right and is living through you.

 

Some things are for sure :

- your mother is not weak willed, she is controlling and her weapon of choice is pure psychological

- your mother does not believe that you are adults

- this upbringing gave you some level of self-esteem issues

 

Which brings me to :

Then another thing next to being raised overprotected.

 

I was spoiled....so so spoiled that I didn't know the value of money, and got into large debts at an early age, once I moved out of my mom's. My parents paid off once of my debts and I'm still trying to pay off the other, but there's a link between serotonine and spending money in my brain, that's for sure.

 

Once again, this was done from a place of love, but it's caused me troubles which I at 28 yrs old, still haven't solved...

 

Only earlier this year, after a huge fight with my dad, I decided that it's time for me to fly away from my parent's ever protecting money source.

Sounds as if we're supr rich, but we're not. My parents are just the kind of loving people who are not scared to spend all their money to help us. BUT again, this has caused me damage, I only got a true sense of responsibility for myself this year, and I decided I'll be accepting no money from my parents any longer.

 

I think parenting must be the hardest thing ever. Because all of these things were done out of love and care :S isn't it weird.

 

In light of your initial post, i need to make this ... link.

Money in this situation is not 'helpful' ... it is a method of control.

 

Teaching your kid he/she can't do it and making him/her dependant on your money, is a sure fire way to control him/her.

[Tayla]

SerCay, it is a stealth control issue. As an adult you can point fingers all you want at your parents. Gosh knows I did the same thing! I blamed, shamed and chastised them for how ill adjusted I was! afterall they created me!

 

Then luckily and thankfully I got counseling... to point out that I could continue to live under the misconstued ideas and thoughts imbeded, or create new and healthy ones! At some point , we believed the lies told us, and anger and discontent over them are normal in healing. Please start letting go... and forgive yourself first and foremost. Then forgive your parents.

 

This constant... look at what they did to me is keeping you as a victim. Step away from that role mentality and find your new voice. I'm sincerely rooting for you in this journey to regroup and heal from the childhood.

[regine_phalange]

Yes, I recognise my own family situation as well. It's not abuse I think, it's ineffective parenting in these areas.

 

I wanted to go towards arts, my brother wanted to go towards music and we were both pushed in other directions. We didn't have trouble finishing what we started, but personally I went through a major identity crisis that left me depressed. My brother didn't. Other kids from other families with a similar issue didn't either. Maybe I'm more sensitive in terms of being pushed to do things I don't really want? I don't know. She was also prone to asking me about classes until I told her to stop asking. Then she would go to the university website to see what the schedule of my exams is. I think it's a control/concern thing, and a certain kind of luck of trust

 

The compliment situation was also true in my family, talents weren't really encouraged. They were seen as distractions for studying and school.

 

Also while I wanted to help around the house I was never allowed because my mum wanted to get over with things fast. She was not the type to bond through shared chores. It would have made her life easier because I was really eager. But I ended up feeling inadequate. My dad on the other hand let me help him at his job (which is more serious than housework!) but unfortunately he died when I was young and I didn't have time to absorb enough compliments and encouragement. He was a really good parent for me in that sense.

 

Anyway, I could sense my mum's quiet disapproval, until recently, when I shared a plan that she didnt really approve. She wouldn't say that she didn't approve but her demeanour would change, as if she was sulking. So I stopped sharing, just like you did, because I still get affected by a perceived disapproval from her.

 

But otherwise she's a supportive mum and always there if I need something. I can tell her other things, that I can't tell to my friends. It's just this part of her being a parent that she's not very good at. No one's a prefect parent. My grandfather was even more critical towards her so I understand where she's coming form. She wasn;t critical of her parent's ways, she took for granted that what older generations did was correct.

Edited July 23, 2015 by regine_phalange