Merin Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Well it's been a long time coming... We broke up tonite. I had not seen him since Tuesday night... he had made plans for the rest of the week to hang out with his boys... this meant Wed night, Thurs night, AND Friday night he told me he was going to come over BUT then called me late and said he had other things to do with one of his friends... Every other weekend (opposite of my schedule by his choosing) he has his kids.. when he did have his kids on the weekends I went to his house and spent the weekends hanging out with him and his kids.. he has NEVER done the same for me... so I wasn't that suprised that he had made a lot of other plans for his weekend this weekend with his friends.... Today when he found out that I WASN'T getting a sitter for my kids tonite he acted like he didn't want to come over (I didn't ask him too) He called me around 730 tonite and asked if I had eaten.. I said yes.. he said "Well I see how you are" I was like "What? You never said you were coming over and I didn't assume you were" he got kind of sh*tty.. said "I'll let you go" I was like "Ok" then he asked what was wrong... I told him that it seemed he had time for everyone else but not for me.. and that I've noticed that on the weekends he has his kids he's all for ME coming over to spend time with him (when he can't go out with his boys) but on any weekend I have my kids he isn't all about spending any time with me... that it bothers me. He said "I don't want a relationship Merin.. I don't want a Girlfriend.. I don't like feeling guilty about doing what I want" I said "Okay... well leave my things outside your house and I'll come get them" He then said I was taking it all wrong.. that he can't see why we can't still hang out.. a lot more was said.... I drove to his house and he left my things in a box on his front porch.... I got them and drove away.... Last thing I told him was I hoped he really regrets this... he said "I already do" Relationships.... am I just really that f*cked up?! I think so...... Link to post Share on other sites
sanne Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 If this is any consolation, I think a lot of people here look at you for sound advice. You are someone who has clearly gone through so much, and your words are inspiring to a lot of people. I think any man who could have you would be lucky, if this guy doesn't know what he's missing then it's his loss. I have a feeling he'll realize what he's doing very soon and be begging for you to come back to him. I wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Coincidence? I think not. I'll keep the porch light on for you. All I have to say is, that better be you in that picture. EDIT: I am sorry to hear that it didn't work out. Two things I am pretty sure of: 1) you're a catch, and 2) he'll try to be with you again. Link to post Share on other sites
BigB Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Dang, that sucks. Your post Mexico topic made me think things were looking up. I still think you sound like the best GF EVAR, and he's crazy if he doesn't see that, and want to spend every second with you. edit: Originally posted by Merin can't see why we can't still hang out.. Am I the only one who reads this as guy code for "I still want to sleep with you, but on my schedule, and without any commitments"? Link to post Share on other sites
bubblygrl5 Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Hey girl, Cheer up. He was acting really sketchy in Mexico...he doesn't make time for you when you have your kids, you bend over backwards for him...I don't really think you are the one who is missing out here. Probably is just timing on his part. He seemed like he had some unresolved issues going on with his ex-w...and from my own experience, there is NOTHING worse than being with a guy who is unsure of what he wants. In my case it led to him cheating...so I'm all for letting these flighty ones just fly the f*** away. (And, I do admit that I should take my OWN advice!) I'm sure it has nothing to do with YOU...just a whole lotta his own baggage. Take care girl! Bubbly Link to post Share on other sites
Donut Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Sorry to hear that Merin, he's a crazy fool! You don't need the crap he dishes out into your life. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Aw, Merin. Sorry about that. He was sounding like he was turning out to be not so bad. I don't like feeling guilty about doing what I want And there's the sign that he's not that great a deal after all. If spending time with you conflicts in his mind with 'doing what he wants', then, sadly, he's not nearly enough into you. You don't need anybody who spends time with you out of obligation instead of doing so because he enjoys your company. Something's up with this guy, too, - he blows hot and cold too easily, IMHO. It's really awfully too bad that we humans find ourselves fond of people before we know them well enough to know if they're worthy to be fond of. Link to post Share on other sites
djones Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Hey Merin, You always give good advice here on LS and it has helped me, the only thing I can tell you is that you dont need a guy like that is not willing to fit you into his life. Everything is a balance in a relationship a little give and take. I dont know why some people can be selfish and not think of thier partners feelings, why start a relationship when you know you cant give that to another person, sometimes I think people just dont try to work things out like back in our parents or grandparents days....People are quick to just bail and not work s*** out.....Cheer up Merin your prince charming may just be around the corner right now ....Take care Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 You did the right thing by showing him that you're not his toy and if he doesn't want a serious relationship then you will find someone who does. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 OH Merin! I'm sorry, sweets. He totally doesn't deserve you at all, and NO! You are NOT f*cked up. It's him, all him. He obviously has commitment problems and you are not first priority. His loss, you can do better, but he never will. Let's go out and get drunk together. Then we'll troll for some guys to use and abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Sorry Merin. He's been really flaking out on you lately though, after all that weird behavior on vacation. Originally posted by Merin He said "I don't want a relationship Merin.. I don't want a Girlfriend.. I don't like feeling guilty about doing what I want" Maybe he's so committment-phobic that he can't even handle dating steady. That's sad for him. He's lost a great girl because of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Merin Posted April 24, 2005 Author Share Posted April 24, 2005 Reality at 7 A.M. I actually went to bed right after I posted last night... well... right after I deleted his number from my cell phone, took down his photos, and erased his messages I had called my Dad last night on the way home from his house (My poor Dad!) I wondered out loud and commiserated with him if I had done the right thing... was I allowing my pride to drive me... should I have been quiet... I actually told him (My now EXBF) last night that I didn't want to still hang out with him (when he suggested it) I felt the same way BIG B as you suggested and told him there wasn't any way in hell I was going to be his booty call when it was convienant for him and that I didn't need to be his shoulder to cry on when life craps on him (I'm always the first person he calls when he isn't feeling so great about life) He of course insisted that wasn't what he was saying... but whatever. JOHAN.. Keep the porch light on for me.... I really need that... it's crazy on one hand last night I felt so much anger with him and what he pulled, the things he said... and on the other hand I found myself (again) questioning if I was doing the right thing... last night when he said he didn't want to feel guilty and he can't see what my problem is because as he said "After all I call you and tell you where I'll be... even if I'm not spending time with you, you know where I am" I actually sat there for a few minutes trying to make sense out of this... wondering IF crumbs thrown my way would be enough... but I know it's not. LOL the photo... it's me... sad uh? It's funny Johan because ya know what? I'm really such a dork LOL and I guess in so many ways maybe because of what I've been through I question myself a lot and check myself... insecurity I guess... DJONES It's funny like that... I also wonder why he started a relationship (at HIS insistence with me) IF he didn't have what it takes to be in one... last night when I had enough and finally just said "Okay.. I'll come get my things" he said "No wait until tomorrow.. when we can talk" I said "IF you have anything to say that changes things you can say it now..." he said "I'm having second thoughts" I asked him "What do you want from me?" he said "I don't know what I want Merin... but I'm sure I don't want a relationship" WTF? I said "Good to go.. I'm not going to beg you here, leave my things outside" BUBBLY, DONUT, SANNE,RECORD PRODUCER, Thanks you guys from my heart... When I question myself if I've done the right things... somehow it's reassuring to know that other people don't think I'm crazy... MOI, I feel exactly that way and have through out this entire relationship.. he blows hot and cold on a constant basis for no apparent reason and it just became to much to take in for me anymore.... LONESTAR... Thank you sweetie... Today, Tomorrow and the next are going to be bitter pills for me... but I'll be strong and be okay... LAST THING... Funny because last night I told him when he said he wants to be there for me that in my life I've found the only person I can ever count on to pick me up when I fall is ME... BUT today you all have proven me wrong.... THANK YOU! My Dad told me last night that he thinks my EXBF will call and want me to work things out with him..... MY OWN insecurity says he won't.... I don't know.... at this point I'm not looking for it or holding my breath.... just trying to get my sh*t together and move on.... Mad to you guys... once again in a time of not so great things for me... you have made me feel a lot better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Merin Posted April 24, 2005 Author Share Posted April 24, 2005 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 Sorry Merin. He's been really flaking out on you lately though, after all that weird behavior on vacation. Maybe he's so committment-phobic that he can't even handle dating steady. That's sad for him. He's lost a great girl because of it. He is a huge committment phobic LadyJane.... Part of what bothers me here though is I never pushed him for anything... when he went with his boys I didn't say anything... I never assumed he would do this, that, the other for me... If anything I tend to have very low expectations of people maybe it's a defense thing for me.. If I don't expect from people then I can't be disappointed when I don't get.. know what I mean? Unfortunately however my friends and family think (and I'm sure they're right) that part of the reason I end up in not so great relationships that end up taking a toll on me later is for the exact reason that I have low expectations so when someone treats me bad... I suck it up and absorb it... until eventually I can't or I won't.... Thanks Girl for your kind words...made me feel better Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Originally posted by Merin LONESTAR... Thank you sweetie... Today, Tomorrow and the next are going to be bitter pills for me... but I'll be strong and be okay... LAST THING... Funny because last night I told him when he said he wants to be there for me that in my life I've found the only person I can ever count on to pick me up when I fall is ME... BUT today you all have proven me wrong.... THANK YOU! Yeah, you do have some rough days ahead, but you can lean on us if you start to wig out. PM me anytime. There's no bypassing the pain felt during a breakup. You just have to trudge through it to get to the other side. And yes, he will contact you again, and he will be back around. Read my post about the ex-H contacting me this weekend. It seems they always come back around, even when you don't want them to. But do you really want him the way he was? I doubt he'll be making much in the way of changes, but sometimes it easier to go back to the evil you know. I've been there done that (got burned by it), so you've got my support all the way around. Keep busy. keep so busy you don't have time to think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Merin Posted April 24, 2005 Author Share Posted April 24, 2005 Originally posted by Lonestar Yeah, you do have some rough days ahead, but you can lean on us if you start to wig out. PM me anytime. There's no bypassing the pain felt during a breakup. You just have to trudge through it to get to the other side. And yes, he will contact you again, and he will be back around. Read my post about the ex-H contacting me this weekend. It seems they always come back around, even when you don't want them to. But do you really want him the way he was? I doubt he'll be making much in the way of changes, but sometimes it easier to go back to the evil you know. I've been there done that (got burned by it), so you've got my support all the way around. Keep busy. keep so busy you don't have time to think. Thanks Doll... I'm sure to be blowing up many PM's over the next few days LOL damn it! It's Ironic to me that I should find myself in this place (again) when I had finally had enough with my last EXBF we had been together for 2 years (low expectations on my part) when I ended that relationship I of course commiserated, second guessed... why couldn't I just continue to accept what he gave me... he DID contact me again (several times.. last time was on Easter) and wanted another chance... the first time he had called right after the break up (like 2 or 3 days later) he asked what it would take... when I told him that there wasn't anything to be done because I no longer trusted him or believed his word that he would change (trust me I'd heard it all before from him) he actually said "I love you Merin and I can't see why we can't just go back to the way things were" Well.. yeah it was working out great for HIM Maybe because I feel like I wasted my time (2 years of my life) on someone who was never there for me... with my newest failure (God!) I wasn't as willing to bide my time.. make sense? You always learn from your past (or I try to) I haven't given up hope that there are good people out there... to mention a FEW of the "Good Guys" here... TanBark, DevilDog, Johan, Yikes, MA... (Theres a ton more) these GUYS have been there for me when I was having problems.. poor Tanbark.. LOL I PM'd him last night when I got home... so yeah it's reassuring to me to know that there are amazing guys out there who treat thier GF's the way THEY want to be treated... and I've told Devildog on more than one occasion how happy I am to know that he hasn't allowed his negative past experience to taint him or make him bitter.. same with Tan... I've got a lot of for the ladies here as well.... LOL sometimes it just takes one of your "Girlfriends" to tell you "It is so his loss" to make you feel better... I'll be in touch with ya sister.. thank you:) Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Originally posted by Merin If anything I tend to have very low expectations of people maybe it's a defense thing for me.. If I don't expect from people then I can't be disappointed when I don't get.. know what I mean? It's not a bad thing to be understanding of people, or to give them the benefit of the doubt. That doesn't make you a door-mat, selling yourself short. It makes you kind-hearted. If the cashier is rude to you at the grocery store, you can either assume it's about you....or it's about her. When you have the ability to make the leap of faith that it's about her....you don't have to personalize it and let it wreck your day. Afterall, when we're interacting with other people we don't know what their circumstances really are....sometimes not even when we're really close to them. You have that ability, and it's NOT a fault. You're smart enough to eventually uncover the facts if the person you're dealing with is less than worthy of your time. And in the meantime, you freely give them a chance, or two, or three, or four.... That just makes you sweet, honey. Don't let anybody change that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Merin Posted April 24, 2005 Author Share Posted April 24, 2005 Originally posted by Ladyjane14 It's not a bad thing to be understanding of people, or to give them the benefit of the doubt. That doesn't make you a door-mat, selling yourself short. It makes you kind-hearted. If the cashier is rude to you at the grocery store, you can either assume it's about you....or it's about her. When you have the ability to make the leap of faith that it's about her....you don't have to personalize it and let it wreck your day. Afterall, when we're interacting with other people we don't know what their circumstances really are....sometimes not even when we're really close to them. You have that ability, and it's NOT a fault. You're smart enough to eventually uncover the facts if the person you're dealing with is less than worthy of your time. And in the meantime, you freely give them a chance, or two, or three, or four.... That just makes you sweet, honey. Don't let anybody change that. Thank you... I tend to make things my *fault* I look at everything I did/said and commiserate.. wonder IF I did the wrong things... then I get mad I was always the Kid growing up who took responsibility for what I did and copped to it know what I mean? While My Sister was going on about uncontrolled forces working against her to save her a** LOL I was the one who admitted what I had done, and took the consequence(s) of that action... probably to a fault... My Dad always says I was the Kid as well that would never say "Uncle" strong willed I guess... If I got spanked I didn't cry.. just sucked it up and took it... In some ways I guess because I knew or I felt I deserved what I got.. and sometimes now I wonder if I'm still that way... Good God, I'm a perfect canidate for therapy... Thank you LadyJane.. a new perspective and for real... I could use that right about now. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Sorry to hear what happen Merin You helped me the other night, and I just wanted you to know it was really appreciated and you deserve so much better than what's happened. Are you sure you dont want to pray for strength? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Merin Posted April 24, 2005 Author Share Posted April 24, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl Sorry to hear what happen Merin You helped me the other night, and I just wanted you to know it was really appreciated and you deserve so much better than what's happened. Are you sure you dont want to pray for strength? LOL Thanks Girl... At this point I'm just going to pray for a quick recovery and maybe an outstanding hair day.. LMAO It just seems more attainable! Link to post Share on other sites
bebegal Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 Merin- I also wnat to thank you for all of the advice you have given me over the past months. I know its hard to give yourself advice. I knwo that the problem with men is not you, you are awesome.........can I suggest 2 things -craigslist---post exactly the type of guy you are looking for -go to the lib and meet smart dorky men(who become attractive b/c they are so good to you) who will treat you like a princess. ts not you its the men you choose--if you keep picking the same type of guy you will get the same type of relationship. try one of the docs at your work Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 My Dad told me last night that he thinks my EXBF will call and want me to work things out with him..... Of course he will when he blows hot again. And when he does, tell him that you can't live on a seesaw anymore and that he badly needs to figure out what the hell he wants and then stick to it. I have low expectations so when someone treats me bad... I suck it up and absorb it... until eventually I can't or I won't.... I'm the same - I don't call it 'low expectations', though, but I give people chances. I always worry that I'm being too hard on people so I make allowances. And end up with drunken abusers and guys with major disorders LOL. Don't blame yourself - it's him who wants you around one moment and doesn't the next. It's entirely about him and his issues. Keep that in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Merin Posted April 24, 2005 Author Share Posted April 24, 2005 Originally posted by bebegal Merin- I also wnat to thank you for all of the advice you have given me over the past months. I know its hard to give yourself advice. I knwo that the problem with men is not you, you are awesome.........can I suggest 2 things -craigslist---post exactly the type of guy you are looking for -go to the lib and meet smart dorky men(who become attractive b/c they are so good to you) who will treat you like a princess. ts not you its the men you choose--if you keep picking the same type of guy you will get the same type of relationship. try one of the docs at your work Thanks... Wierd I thought I had picked a different kind of guy... but I guess not *sigh* LOL there is NO WAY I would ever date a Doc I work for! LOL My EXBF.. is smart, not gorgeous (except to me) who became attractive to me because he *seemed* sincere... Thanks Girl for your kind words... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Merin Posted April 24, 2005 Author Share Posted April 24, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Of course he will when he blows hot again. And when he does, tell him that you can't live on a seesaw anymore and that he badly needs to figure out what the hell he wants and then stick to it. I'm the same - I don't call it 'low expectations', though, but I give people chances. I always worry that I'm being too hard on people so I make allowances. And end up with drunken abusers and guys with major disorders LOL. Don't blame yourself - it's him who wants you around one moment and doesn't the next. It's entirely about him and his issues. Keep that in mind. Thanks Moi... that means a lot to me:) Link to post Share on other sites
bebegal Posted April 24, 2005 Share Posted April 24, 2005 are you feeling better this morning? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Merin Posted April 24, 2005 Author Share Posted April 24, 2005 Originally posted by bebegal are you feeling better this morning? Not a lot... but yeah... just acceptance you know? Can't change things... so staying busy:) Thanks Girl... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts