Author Merin Posted April 27, 2005 Author Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by Mz. Pixie Gosh Merin- I'm kinda at a lost for words right now- ironic huh? My first thoughts after reading your first post after he called........ My ex told me that I would never find anyone to love me like he loved me, or who wanted to please me sexually as much as he did. He also asked me if we could continue to have sex during the separation until the divorce was final- because we both have needs and why shouldn't we satisfy them with each other?? He also accused me of being like my mother- who was mentally ill. I'm sure all things just said to make himself feel better because he lost the best thing that ever happened to him or will ever happen to him. What do you really think about all of this?? I kinda find it hard to believe that he did all of this because he felt bad about telling you a lie. Seems like a awful big fiasco to go through for that. But, you know him better than we do. I think he's just been terrified. I think he has a selfishness problem though and do you really want to be with someone who is selfish? My exh was and it was the death of our marriage, really. I am such a giver- to a certain extent. The more I gave to him, the more he wanted- until then I got disgusted and just quit- which didn't solve anything. The one thing that gets me about all of this- yeah he's been a real jerk- but it's that you love him. I know you do. I know it will be hard as hell not to give him another chance. Again while I don't want to get into the nature of what he had lied to me about it was (in his mind) because of things I had gone through before him and he had knowledge of.. I had made very clear to him upfront that what he had lied about under different circumstances would've been a deal breaker in the start of our relationship.... Was it wrong for him to lie.. yes it was.. was it fear that drove him.. yes it was. He has issues.. he said he wanted to get it out on the table and he's willing to work on himself and change not for me, but because he knows he needs to for himself.. finding peace ya know? Does this make all he did okay.. no it doesn't... he knows that and so do I... I don't know what will happen... but we'll see where it goes. Thanks Girl Link to post Share on other sites
Author Merin Posted April 27, 2005 Author Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky It goes both ways - the break offered you both a moment for clarity. Sometimes, we're not given the chance to decide what we really want from our relationships. We're often too distracted trying to make them work. I couldn't agree more... Link to post Share on other sites
NiCoLe20 Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 so did you decide if your going to go out to eat with him & talk things over? Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Merin, how did this talk to him change things for you? Did you felt you got closure? I don't understant it's significance to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Merin Posted April 27, 2005 Author Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam Merin, how did this talk to him change things for you? Did you felt you got closure? I don't understant it's significance to you. It was/is significant to me because for the first time since I've known him, I know the truth... Why he has had odd behaviour on certain things born out of a lie he had told to begin with. It changed things for me, because maybe for the first time he was *real* with me... let down his guard and said what was on his mind and in his heart... Nicole, yes I'm going to have dinner with him tonite and see what else is on his mind... Link to post Share on other sites
bubblygrl5 Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Part of me thinks he just got awfully desperate, and had to pull out the last stops... It still IS selfish of him to have let you think this was your fault, that you had issues, that you could be blamed in this. He had many opportunities in the relationship to come clean - and the fact that he lied to save his a$$ in the beginning is sort of infuriating in itself. I have dealt with the "half-truth" issue from someone myself, and being kept in the dark is unfair, no matter what the reason. That being said - sometimes we have to try a relationship on for size a second time before we can decide if we want to keep it, or throw it out. Sometimes you find that you no longer want the very thing you have been fighting for. It seems like the relationship can be more on "your-terms" now...so given that you will not be afraid to ask, and he should not be afraid to give, see how things go. Ideally, a guy would make one mistake, the girl will up and leave, and never look back...but we all know it isn't the case. Do what gives you closure, and what feels right. But remember - this could just be another one of his games. I would still be cautious of him. Bubbly Link to post Share on other sites
Author Merin Posted April 27, 2005 Author Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by bubblygrl5 Part of me thinks he just got awfully desperate, and had to pull out the last stops... It still IS selfish of him to have let you think this was your fault, that you had issues, that you could be blamed in this. He had many opportunities in the relationship to come clean - and the fact that he lied to save his a$$ in the beginning is sort of infuriating in itself. I have dealt with the "half-truth" issue from someone myself, and being kept in the dark is unfair, no matter what the reason. That being said - sometimes we have to try a relationship on for size a second time before we can decide if we want to keep it, or throw it out. Sometimes you find that you no longer want the very thing you have been fighting for. It seems like the relationship can be more on "your-terms" now...so given that you will not be afraid to ask, and he should not be afraid to give, see how things go. Ideally, a guy would make one mistake, the girl will up and leave, and never look back...but we all know it isn't the case. Do what gives you closure, and what feels right. But remember - this could just be another one of his games. I would still be cautious of him. Bubbly It is and was very selfish of him to have done what he did without question... He did have many opportunities to tell me the truth about what he had lied about... All of that is true... I guess IMO the bottomline is exactly what Pocky had said "Sometimes it takes losing everything to know what you really want.. " I don't know where things are going to end up... but at least now I do have understanding of what happend... Thanks honey... Link to post Share on other sites
babybear Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by Merin I guess IMO the bottomline is exactly what Pocky had said "Sometimes it takes losing everything to know what you really want.. " I didn't see this thread until today - I guess I am just wondering why he had to lose you to know how worth it you were. BUT - I can't say I haven't done the same... You don't know what you got 'til it's gone, right? Bb Link to post Share on other sites
Author Merin Posted April 27, 2005 Author Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by babybear I didn't see this thread until today - I guess I am just wondering why he had to lose you to know how worth it you were. BUT - I can't say I haven't done the same... You don't know what you got 'til it's gone, right? Bb Thanks BB.. In this particular case he has always had issues with trust in another person to not let him *fall* so to speak... the Golden rule is suppose to be Do unto others as you would have them do unto you... HOWEVER this turned into (for him) Do unto others BEFORE they can do unto you... When I met him he had told me something that wasn't true... and in his mind had he been honest about this he didn't think (at that time) that I would've gone out with him to begin with... he had just met me and in his mind again and his words he said "I knew I liked you so much the first time I met you... I thought you were an amazing person, beautiful and someone I wanted to get to know better... when I lied to you it was because of *things that had been said to him upfront by myself, my gf's and my sister who were all with me when I met him* and I didn't think if you knew the truth you would give me a chance... and I didn't think from just meeting you that I would've ended up caring about you the way I have... " So essentially he didn't think he would ever have to tell me what he had lied about because he didn't think *We* would progress into a relationship... the closer we got, the more scared he became about being found out. He said that although he knew he cared about me before all of this happend it wasn't until I wasn't there anymore that it hit him... he had grown attached to me and cared more deeply than he had been willing to admitt... AGAIN I'm not saying what he did was okay... he put me through hell and made me question what the hell I was doing... and I'm not excusing his behaviour or his lie... all I can say is because I know the circumstances of why he didn't tell me the truth to begin with... I do understand what drove him... (in the lie) Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by Merin Nicole, yes I'm going to have dinner with him tonite and see what else is on his mind... women love men who misbehave Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 you mean who make them miserable . Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam you mean who make them miserable . the more miserable a man can make a woman the more in love she is. funny how things work, is it not? one called CURLYIAM Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Alphamale, I'm starting to agree with your way of thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by tiki Alphamale, I'm starting to agree with your way of thinking. i already know i am fairly right (not 100% tho). it is just a matter of convincing others Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale the more miserable a man can make a woman the more in love she is. funny how things work, is it not? one called CURLYIAM Aaaarrggghhhh, I hate it when you're right, one called ALPHAMALE!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Merin Posted April 27, 2005 Author Share Posted April 27, 2005 Curly, Alpha & Tiki... I'm sorry if it's offended you that I want to hear what he has to say... It would be outstanding to have zero feelings on what's happend for me.. I haven't said what happend is okay with me or that he's a great guy for doing this... I've had not so great relationships in My life and I've given probably to many opportunities to the people that hurt me the most to continue to do so.. hoping if I did enough, or cared about them enough they would give the same to me in return... All I can do is try to be a good person and a good Mom if nothing else... Maybe you're all right about me and I'm just an idiot... but I suppose it will be my mistake to make or not make... Thanks for your thoughts on it.. I'll not post on this again... Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 I'm a total sucker for taking people back. I feel like people deserve more than one chance. I'm not sure what your bf did (or even if you posted it ultimately), but I have a pretty good idea. And I've had this same idea since your Mexico post. I could be way off though. Who knows. Anyway, I think alpha is onto something. Women don't want the good guy that sits and does nothing, we oftentimes want the bad boy. Because they're more fun to play with. But that opinion isn't directed toward you. But nonetheless, who cares who supports you? You know the situation better than anyone else. You are the judge of you and your life, not some forum full of people. It's hard to be a supporter for someone, only to find out that they're going right back to what was once causing that same pain (that made you the supporter). That's why whenever a friend goes through this, I treat it with delicacy. BECAUSE, next thing you know, they're back together and you've called him an ass. Then he knows about it because your friend can't keep her mouth shut. When all you were trying to do originally was support her decision and try to make her feel better. I know you'll make the right decision. And you don't need us confirming that for you! Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Merin, I was counting on you to help me in stopping Alpha taking over the world with his wicked philosophy. Girl, I'm not putting you down by what I'm saying here. It's just... true. It really is. Please don't take it as an offense. At least in my case it's true. The more my ex was making himself unavailable to me, the more I missed him. The more he'd say nasty things to me and push me away, the more dependent I was on him. My remarks weren't directed to you. The thing is... here on the net, we all know the perfect answer to anything. I'm the best advice giver ever. However putting that advice into practice, that, that my friend is another thing. I know how toxic my ex is to me. what did I do last week end? Went with him to his sister's anniversary. Yes, Merin, I am that stupid. We all do stupid things, because we are inlove and love has its own way of reasoning. Please, don't give up posting. I think it's doing you well to talk about this. With people you care for and who care for you. Don't forget we're you're friends, Merin. We may act goofy at times, but we're your friends! Love, Curly Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by Merin ... Maybe you're all right about me and I'm just an idiot... no you're not an idiot sweetie pumpkin. you just a normal and imperfect person like the rest of us Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by tiki Anyway, I think alpha is onto something. Women don't want the good guy that sits and does nothing, we oftentimes want the bad boy. Because they're more fun to play with. But that opinion isn't directed toward you. actually TIKI, many women like drama and exicitement. even if it is negative drama and excitement. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 I don't think you're an idiot, Merin. But my Dad and Mom both told me that if a person breaks up with you once, or if you break up with them once, you should never get back together with them. Because if it's THAT big of a deal, that you need to break up with them, then it is more likely than not that it will continue being a big deal. I might get flamed for saying that, but as I get older, I realize more and more that my parents were pretty right on in a lot of things and I just HAD to find out for myself. hahaha. IN any case, it's your life. I just know, I've done that, too...I've given in the hopes that my love would be able to help someone realize that THEY should want to be healthy and live a better life and make smarter choices. I don't think it works, but sometimes it can. I hope for thebest for you. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Main point: almost everyone knows what's good for them. Very few do what's good for them. We make choices and learn to live with them. I never would have guessed you were holding grudges like that. And I also think we desirve an answer. After all, we have/ I have been there for you a couple of times... just because I said something you didn't like doesn't give you the right to cut me iff like that. It's rude. Sorry if I hurt you. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter I might get flamed for saying that, but as I get older, I realize more and more that my parents were pretty right on in a lot of things and I just HAD to find out for myself. hahaha. this happens to everyone B_0 Link to post Share on other sites
BrotherAaron Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Heh... thanks to wisdom from people like you, I didn't get back together with my ex. Thanks for not letting me learn the hard way. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted April 27, 2005 Share Posted April 27, 2005 Wow. I gave him a month. Undershot that one! Merin, I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you. Just want to see you HAPPY. Three last words of unsolicited advice concerning this guy, if you don't mind: Take. Your. Time. Link to post Share on other sites
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