depressed17 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Hello, I have been with the same person for 17 years since I was 16, had 4 children, yet I am still not married. I feel embarrassed, ashamed and stupid. He is 9 years older than me, I feel like I am bagging him to marry me, want me and love me the way I love him. I have losted my identity, I feel cheated, and are afraid ............. Please give me your honest opinion, thoughts and advice. Thank You, depressed17 Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Tell him you want to get married. We men do not get hints very easy at all. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Have you asked him if you two will ever get married? If not, you must. If he says sure, problem solved. Happy planning. If he says no, you have to figure out what you want more the status quo or marriage. Then act accordingly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 On its face, a guy who hasn't proposed to the woman he's been with for 17 years and created 4 children with sounds like a guy who has issues with marriage licenses and isn't likely to propose without a gun to his head. What does he say when you bring up marriage? Are you worried he will leave you after all this time? A marriage license does not guarantee he won't leave you. How is your current relationship? Are you generally happy together or is there a lot of fighting? If things are rocky between you, I can see how he might not want to make things legal even though he seems committed to you and your family otherwise. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author depressed17 Posted May 27, 2015 Author Share Posted May 27, 2015 On its face, a guy who hasn't proposed to the woman he's been with for 17 years and cpartnershipsyn ren with sounds like a guy who has issues with marriage licenses and isn't likely to propose without a gun to his head. What doerelationships you bring up marriage? Are you worried he will leave you after all this time? A marriage license does not guarantee he won't leave you. How is your current relationship? Are you generally happy together or is there a lot of fighting? If things are rocky between you, I can see how he might not want to m6ake things legal even though he seems committed to you and your family otherwise. I am disappointed, that I have invested all of this time with him and with high hopes that we would get married one day and here it is 17 years later , Also i do all of the duties of a wife, i feel that i deserve to at lease be a wife, and or get married . ..your right he could leave me and then marry someone else after milking me for 17 years..even after marriage. ....... .................our relationship do not keep me interested because i am affectionate and, loving and require attention and marriage. However, I have to beg for these things?, However, he is great with the kids...........just when it comes to love and romance he suck and make me feel used, unappreciated, unloved, and not worthy of marriage. .......when i mention marrage he find reasons why not to get marriaged based on my childhood and or not demanding it when I was 17 and we first met. And yes i agree marriage do not guarantee anything but at the same time it is the right thing to do, a legal partnership after all this time? I think I deserve that much.... and i should not have to have a reason to want to get married or be married. ........ I am soooo lost and confused, I need and want more am I wrong or being selfish? ?what about me?? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 The point is he knows you want to marry him and you have 17 years and 4 of his kids. He's not going to marry you. What are you going to do? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 I am disappointed, that I have invested all of this time with him and with high hopes that we would get married one day and here it is 17 years later , Also i do all of the duties of a wife, i feel that i deserve to at lease be a wife, and or get married . ..your right he could leave me and then marry someone else after milking me for 17 years..even after marriage. ....... .................our relationship do not keep me interested because i am affectionate and, loving and require attention and marriage. However, I have to beg for these things?, However, he is great with the kids...........just when it comes to love and romance he suck and make me feel used, unappreciated, unloved, and not worthy of marriage. .......when i mention marrage he find reasons why not to get marriaged based on my childhood and or not demanding it when I was 17 and we first met. And yes i agree marriage do not guarantee anything but at the same time it is the right thing to do, a legal partnership after all this time? I think I deserve that much.... and i should not have to have a reason to want to get married or be married. ........ I am soooo lost and confused, I need and want more am I wrong or being selfish? ?what about me?? I think you should absolutely have a reason why you want to marry THAT man, especially considering what you've just said about him. He doesn't treat you like a man who would be a good husband. If you met him today and he treated you the way he's been treating you, would you want to marry him? Or would you look elsewhere for a good relationship with someone who doesn't make you feel used and unappreciated? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 (edited) have you asked him to just try it? the sky will not fall in, or is he rich and mean? Edited May 27, 2015 by darkmoon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted May 27, 2015 Share Posted May 27, 2015 The point is he knows you want to marry him and you have 17 years and 4 of his kids. He's not going to marry you. What are you going to do? That's an excellent question, and the most important one, because this guy has no incentive to get married and won't. depressed, if you are doing all the duties of a wife, he has NO reason to marry you. He can keep on not marrying you, and you will continue to do all the duties as his wife as you have for 17 years, so he doesn't actually need to marry you to get that. Try moving out, or ask him to move out, since he isn't planning to marry you. And stop acting like his wife and stop doing the cooking and laundry for him, stop having sex, stop making him so comfortable with the way things are. Better yet, move on and open yourself to meeting someone who can love you and would want to marry you. He can still have a relationship with his children. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I am disappointed, that I have invested all of this time with him and with high hopes that we would get married one day and here it is 17 years later , Also i do all of the duties of a wife, i feel that i deserve to at lease be a wife, and or get married . ..your right he could leave me and then marry someone else after milking me for 17 years..even after marriage. ....... .................our relationship do not keep me interested because i am affectionate and, loving and require attention and marriage. However, I have to beg for these things?, However, he is great with the kids...........just when it comes to love and romance he suck and make me feel used, unappreciated, unloved, and not worthy of marriage. .......when i mention marrage he find reasons why not to get marriaged based on my childhood and or not demanding it when I was 17 and we first met. And yes i agree marriage do not guarantee anything but at the same time it is the right thing to do, a legal partnership after all this time? I think I deserve that much.... and i should not have to have a reason to want to get married or be married. ........ I am soooo lost and confused, I need and want more am I wrong or being selfish? ?what about me?? That's EXACTLY why it's downright foolish to have any man's child without being married first - if marriage is your goal. If you're good enough to have 4 kids with him and good enough to wash his dirty underwear and cook his damned meals, then you're 'good enough' to marry. Your mistake was doing all the things a wife does BEFORE you were a wife. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author depressed17 Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 I am not sure? Link to post Share on other sites
Author depressed17 Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 I dud but i am still waiting 17 years later. .. Link to post Share on other sites
Author depressed17 Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 That's an excellent question, and the most important one, because this guy has no incentive to get married and won't. depressed, if you are doing all the duties of a wife, he has NO reason to marry you. He can keep on not marrying you, and you will continue to do all the duties as his wife as you have for 17 years, so he doesn't actually need to marry you to get that. Try moving out, or ask him to move out, since he isn't planning to marry you. And stop acting like his wife and stop doing the cooking and laundry for him, stop having sex, stop making him so comfortable with the way things are. Better yet, move on and open yourself to meeting someone who can love you and would want to marry you. He can still have a relationship with his children.[/quote Thank you !! I think your are right... Link to post Share on other sites
Author depressed17 Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 Tell him you want to get married. We men do not get hints very easy at all. I have but I am still waiting. ....17 years later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author depressed17 Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 The point is he knows you want to marry him and you mentalears and 4 of his kids. He's not going to marry you. What are you going to do? I guess that is one decision m i must make regardless of seeking advice.. I have relied on him all of these years and now i need to find a way, and the mental support needed to do what is best fir my dignity. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 I have but I am still waiting. ....17 years later. Then you need to stop waiting for him. Make some decisions about yourself & the kids. He is likely never going to marry you. Time to stop cooking for him, doing his laundry etc. Time for you to move out and find someone who wants to marry you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
madjac74 Posted June 2, 2015 Share Posted June 2, 2015 Leave him and hit him with child support on 4 kids. You will probably have a proposal in a few weeks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted June 3, 2015 Share Posted June 3, 2015 stop crying over what happened you are still young.. You can start all over again, if you really want to! He is not gonna marry unless you change something? Have you made something of your life in these 17 years? or you were just a slave and a baby maker? he got laid wherever he wanted he got babies whenever he wanted he got food and his house was cleaned for him? I would have called you a servant, but servants get paid you did it for free.. so yeah, you were a slave! you still can get your life together, start again, go to school, the kids can stay with him for a while until you figure your life! if you think you look a bit old or not desired again, you are wrong you just need to relax, and invest 6 months of your life for you only, sport, eating healthy, new hairstyle, new clothes .. a real change and you won't even notice yourself after that.. Don't despair. if you are not happy with your life, change it..you still can do it.. if you are happy but you are just crying over a label! I ask you to forget it, it's not worth it to ruin your happiness. Married or not, he is with you.. he chose to be with you, and that's the end of it for him and you... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tinalooks808 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 I have but I am still waiting. ....17 years later. If you have expressed this and he hasn't done anything I wouldn't expect anything. He has no incentive. You do everything a married couple does, what difference will a piece of paper make? Do you live in a state that recognizes common law marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author depressed17 Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 If you have expressed this and he hasn't done anything I wouldn't expect anything. He has no incentive. You do everything a married couple does, what difference will a piece of paper make? Do you live in a state that recognizes common law marriage? No, and i do not want to feel silly , its just the label is important to me. I have been faithful i do not go anywhere and do not do anything and we have not done anything as a couple since we first started dating. I am bored and could use some sex, romance, attention and affection. .......at lease give me marriage am i wrong? ? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Do you work? Do you have a way to access money? You could move and request child support (possibly support for you too) - if you file with the courts. Then get moving forward to become happy on your own. Since you are so unhappy, it may be best to be on your own so you have a chance to find happiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 He really isn't marriage material though. I understand that you want to be married, but he doesn't sound like much of a catch. You need to be able to support yourself Get some confidence Make better life and be done He takes you for granted and you let him. I'm sure you're thinking you might as well make it legal for everything your putting up with. If marriage was that important why did you hang around with him this long? A coworker recently got married after being with her man for 28 years. They have kids too. You're still young and TBH , I think you deserve someone better than him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I have been faithful i do not go anywhere and do not do anything and we have not done anything as a couple since we first started dating. I am bored and could use some sex, romance, attention and affection. ....... While I don't understand why he won't marry you, I also don't understand why you'd want to marry him? This is the treatment you want for the rest of your life? The example you want to set for your kids of what a relationship is? I don't get it... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 No, and i do not want to feel silly , its just the label is important to me. I have been faithful i do not go anywhere and do not do anything and we have not done anything as a couple since we first started dating. I am bored and could use some sex, romance, attention and affection. .......at lease give me marriage am i wrong? ? Marriage isn't a guarantee that you're going to get sex, romance, attention or affection. What marriage does is amplify issue you're already facing. And if he's not coming to you of his own volition wanting to marry you, do you really want him--someone that you've had to beg, plead and cajole into marrying you? I get that you want the legal protections of marriage, but you need to understand that this man has told you--and has lived his life to buttress what he's told you--that he has no intention on marrying you. He has absolutely no good reason to marry you: he already gets sex if he wants it; his house is cleaned; he's gotten you to bear 4 of his children (the 1st one, ok--but the other 3 without you getting what you wanted first?). Things are going the way he wants them to go--why would he change that if it's working for him? You're not going to get the title of Mrs. Him with this man you're choosing to waste time with... and ever since you found out he doesn't want to marry you, you've been wasting your youth, investing in a fantasy that will never become reality. Don't make it 18 years that you're still in the same predicament doing the same thing, wishing for a different outcome. To answer your question: you're wrong if you think that this man is going to flip into someone he's told you and shown you that he has no intention on being. It's not like you don't know. It then becomes a matter of you being too lazy to do what is in your best interests. It's time for you to start with the "divorcee's revenge": reclaiming your self, your health and your youth. Stop abandoning yourself. You've taught him that that is ok to do it to you because you've being doing it to yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Csmith224422 Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 just having the title of "being married" won't fix your problems in your relationship. Have you examined why YOU want to get married in the first place? Or why you want to marry him? I think you need to examine yourself and your own intentions first. What does having the label of marriage do for you, your kids, and him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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