Series of mistakes and a bad heartbreak

[annie0677]

Well, I thought I'll be fine and life will move on but its getting harder and harder with each single day. I am slipping into depression and am seeking help and wisdom.

 

Long story:

I had a boyfriend long time back when I was 25-26. We were very serious and were planning to get married. Things didn't work out as our families didn't really gel together and we fell apart. We broke up in a strange unsure way, and I wasn't even completely out of the break up when my family suggested I marry this guy who was a family friend. I was frustrated and said yes. We married a year later.

 

He too got married at the same time.

 

We lost touch. I didn't contact him for years. He too kept quite. Then we met about 3 years later in a conference and I skipped the day to have coffee with him. I told him how I regret things but since we are married now we shouldn't really think about it. He too sounded like he was happy with his life. I moved away. We were in the same city, but a few months later I moved to another country with my husband.

 

Well, marriage wasn't that great for both of us in our separate world. I had my challenges and he had his. But we never communicated.

Then I insisted my husband for having a baby, I was 31 at that time. My husband was really into having a family but agreed. I returned back to the country 4 years later when my daughter was 1.

 

And then the Saturn stroked again.

 

I got an email from him on my new office id. I tried to ignore but replied because I still had feelings for him. We met, and this time he was as frustrated with his life as I was. And then we got back together. For 3 months we met regularly. His wife was out of country and so was my husband. We decided to part ways with our spouses and get together again. It all sounded like a fairy tale, I was really happy with my life.

 

Since I had a daughter, I decided to initiate the separation first. At least that's what he suggested. I went home and told everything to my husband. He wasn't surprised, knowing that our marriage was anyway like a compromise. Then lots of discussions happened. Lots of hurtful arguments, but I stood my ground. In any case, I had cheated and the guilt was killing me. And going back to him just didn't sound right. My husband moved out and I moved in with my parents.

While my life was on rocks, and things were really crazy, he told his wife too. But then, it changed the whole plan.

He backed out saying he can't hurt his wife.

My friends (2 of them) who knew each detail of my life met him and discussed things. They tried to tell him that it won't work that well, even if he stayed with his wife, sometimes he would agree and sometimes he would back out saying he can't upset his wife.

 

Anyway, he kept on going back on his decision, and then coming back to me as well. And then I got pregnant from my boyfriends baby. Hell broke.

While I was going through this pregnancy, without even knowing about it, I left the country with my baby only to return when he has made up his mind. But he stopped taking my calls. Then one day while I was struggling with depression and drinking wine heavily I realized I had miscarried his baby. It took me days to come out of it. And when I told him, he completely broke up with me. He said we should forget each other. I got totally made while still holding my aching belly. And sent all the mails to his wife.

 

Well, nothing happened and everyone went back to silence.

My husband had known all this through one of my friend who was updating him. He pitied me but we kept our communication to the minimum. My health was bad so I decided to return to the country.

 

I came back and my parents asked me to negotiate things with my husband. None of us wanted to consider being together. But we still stayed together for a month hardly talking or communicating. During this one month, my ex-boyfriend came back from grave and assured me and my friend that he was ready for a divorce. And I believed him again.

 

While he was supposed to work on his divorce, I moved my papers in the court. And guess what....he emailed me saying, he can't do it....all over again.

God...last year has been a struggle for me to stay alive. I almost killed myself in the shock. My husband asked me to leave, which of course is pretty understandable.

I felt the country but could not take my daughter along. My friends helped me a lot.

 

Somehow I survived. I still look back and wonder, how I got that far. I left the country and picked a good job overseas. My daughter was with my husband as they refused to gave me her custody.

 

Well, time moved and I got settled in my new job in this new country. The divorce case was being discussed by the lawyers. Then I tried contacting my boyfriend only to understand that he cannot leave his wife but can be with me as well....well...what is that supposed to mean, I got fed up of all and wrote some hate mails to him blaming him for messing up my life.

Then last December, I went back to the country and got my daughter. We started living normally after months of stress and pain.

 

My family stopped communicating with me blaming me for so much of chaos.

My husband rarely communicated, but calls my daughters play school to find out about her. Our divorce is in its final stages. Well, its almost over, to be honest.

 

And now, while I try to concentrate on life, and my job ONLY, he comes and likes my posts on LinkedIn making my mind go crazy.

 

What kind of man is this?

And what does he want?

 

Is he playing with us.

By the way, he is happy with his wife taking vacations and clicking pictures and uploading them on the forums.

 

Are men like that? I mean, what more is left in my life to destroy.

Had he not come back in my life, and had he not assured me about his love and commitment, I would have lived a peaceful life.

But...its all crazy now.

 

Though, that's not the point.

the point is that I still somewhere in my heart hope for him, and have feelings for him. And even his single like on my post ignites that hope. I am not very outgoing so have not been able to be with anyone. To be honest, i don't think I can love again. Sometimes, I feel so sad and depressed that I take an off from work only to cry alone for hours.

 

Help me get over all this.

Me and my daughters life is at stake now. Is he just playing with me, is he trying to come back. Will he ever come back. Guess he won't.

Its all been a very bad experience over the last 2 years.

 

Help me.

[annie0677]

Before you all judge me for cheating on my husband, well, I never wanted too. I actually didn't even want to be part of that relationship because I thought it would bring hurt to everyone. But my boyfriend was so sure of things that I went ahead and started a relationship with him. And yet, i was married at that time, but my marriage has been nothing more than a friendship for years. My husband and I worked in different countries for years with nothing more than a hello once a week.

He never wanted to have a baby with me, and I had a baby only in the hope that it might improve things. But it never improved anything.

[karnak]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. You've been having a terrible rollercoaster ride in your life. But, believe me, it will getter better after some time.

 

You seem like a strong woman. Some of your actions say so.

In fact, you've a lot more courage and balls than your ex-boyfriend. He's just a spineless coward. His wife is probably just as big a coward as he is. The fact that you sent e-mails to her revealing your story and she stills keeps her facade of a marriage... Sheesh. What a buch of sick people. They do deserve each other.

 

Don't regret the fact that your ex-boyfriend won't leave his wife to come to you. As you can clearly see now, he's an SOB without guts. I don't suppose you fancy having a shared life with such a spineless coward.

 

Reading your post it's clear that your number 1 mistake was your marriage. You "settled" for a nice guy. Eventually your marriage eroded with time and you lost all the attraction you had towards your husband. That's the main reason marriages collapse. We're in the 21st century and people are still getting married for all the wrong reasons.

 

There's only one thing you can do now: you have to move on with your life. You have a little girl and she's a strong reason for you to find comfort and strength in carrying on.

 

I repeat: your major mistake was marrying a guy you clearly didn't love. Well, that mistake is over now. Bot you and your husband are now free to make new lives for each other.

Keep living one day at a time. Be strong. Don't rush into any new relationships. Forget about you imbecile ex-boyfriend. He isn't worth **** as a man.

If you ever want to have a new relationship, then do it with a man you really have strong and genuine feelings for. And one who knows how to be a man and face consequences for his actions.

 

Be a good person, leave a healthy life (no alcohol, no drugs of any kind), mingle with decent and healthy people and all will get better with time.

 

Peace to you and your daughter.

[Clay]

I think you need to get help and block this guy all together. Even if he does divorce her how could either of you ever really trust each other with the fact you both cheated on your spouses. Your daughter deserves better than that as well. Every time you think of him think of the horrible lies he told you. In time your love for him will die.

 

As far as your family and your soon to be ex husband is concerned you might want to consider going and apologizing to them for your actions. Let the divorce go through but it doesn't hurt at all trying to open good communication for your daughters sake. Your family can help you move on from this horrible decisions you made and help you get on the right path.

 

Change has to start with you. Its not going to happen over night but you have to start somewhere so why not start now for you and for your daughter.

 

My xWife cheated on me and I did get custody of my kids. Sometimes its better that way and who knows in time things might change and she might come to live with you again. If you really want that then your going to have to prove to them your healthy and you can make good healthy decisions.

 

Clay

[No Limit]

You've fallen for a user. He knows you will always be on the backburner because you have this fantasy that he's the perfect partner so he'll gladly take advantage of it. Honestly, the only one I pity in your story is your MMs wife who is putting up with all of this and setting this example to your kids. Wonder what your daughter will think of you once she someday learns of your shenanigans as well.

 

 

And don't put all the blame on your MM. Just because he reaches out you aren't forced to answer. This is your decision, and you're making these decisions because even with your life crumbling around you it's still worth it in your mind.

[Satu]

Under no circumstances should you have any contact with him, ever.

[notbroken]

First, own what you did. Your boyfriend didn't stick a gun to your head. You DID choose to cheat. It was totally in your power to decide to be faithful or not. Consider what made you do that, fully 'own' it, and then forgive yourself while resolving to be a better person (and then stick to that for the rest of your life).

 

Then you should think about his true character. He is not a guy you want to be with. He used you plain and simple. You could never trust him. Period. You won't be the last one he plays these games with. Put him behind you.

 

Get good with yourself first and then seek out someone who is worthy of the new you.

[annie0677]

Well, there are 2 things here: Marriage and this really messy relationship, that blew my brains completely.

Marriage:

Yes, I totally agree that I did cheat on my husband. But then I did work a lot to make my marriage work for initial years. When I got married, I tried hard to make things work, but after 3 years my spirit died. For 7 years, we have had hardly any communication between us. He knew that I am silent since years, he never tried either. We are two different people, and we realized that right from the start. But since neither of us tried to break it and move on, we kept on dragging it to a point where our feelings were numb. I respect him a lot, but I can't say I love him. I don't look forward to being with him, it rather made me nervous (always).

I am an engineer, so I buried myself in work. I am not a person who makes friends easily, or am particularly fond of relationships, so I never tried to meet anyone else. I am pretty, so men did try to be friends with me. But having a relationship always sounded a kind of stress to me so I never even thought about it.

Till date, I have had only 2 men in my life (my soon to be ex husband and my ex boyfriend). And I don't think I will have another man in my life, I am not interested and I have lost all trust and faith.

 

Now my relationship:

Well, when he met me, I was totally aware of the situation - my being married and a baby, he being married. So we did discuss this at length. I wasn't ready initially (yes he never forced me). But the kind of affection and love he showed me make my heart melt. I had never felt loved for years and here was this man who would drive 40 kms just to have coffee with me after work, and was giving me cards with sweet notes and was writing me things that he loves me so much. I am a human after all, I melted big time. I was at a stage where I could do anything for him, even kill myself. I don't know how I go so much strength within me to fight it out to be with him. And I did...in a way. I stood against everyone and left jobs and moved continents just to try to be with him.

Even having a baby with him was a deliberate decision. But I wasn't sure I'll get pregnant so quickly or I will just lose that baby.

But...all in vain.

Coz he turned back. Only to join his wife (who he always said treated him like ****). And he used to sit and shed tears how he wants to leave her. And begged me to consider having a baby because then nothing will stop him from coming to me.

 

Fooled:

Love fools us. I don't blame anyone. I blame love and feelings.

I have always kept work at my 1st priority. I stay away from men because I am not the one who can have meaning less relationship. I respect commitment and long term relationship.

 

But what's the point. The guy I trusted more than God (at a point of time) just walked away without looking back.

 

Current State:

Yes, I blocked him on LinkedIn 2 days back. Deleted his contact from my phone. And will delete the rest of his emails in my inbox. I haven't been able to completely remove him from my life, but now I intend to do it.

Members - I come to you to help me stay strong.

I am a very capable woman, I work in a very good organization and have a very respectable career. In office people don't talk stupid things with me because I am extremely professional.

I am lonely, but I try to fill up my loneliness with my daughters love and affection. But I cry at times.

And during those times, I will come here and read your words. I will tell myself that it happens.

Like they say "**** Happens".

 

I love you - who ever reads this.

I am not a bad person. It just went in the wrong direction.

I need love to be strong.

I reach home in the evening and spend time with my daughter who is going to be 3. I plan to buy a house this summer (summer will be in December here).

Just need to tell myself that life will be fine again. And having a man in life isn't that important.

Blessings to all.

[annie0677]

And of course the details about my ex-boyfriends wife:

When I met him, she was out of country. She travels a lot for work and does not really care for her marriage. After they married, she went out for work and stayed away for 2 years without much contact (I personally checked these details, because I had my doubts on this fact).

She had an affair with someone right after my boyfriend married her. And he found out but let it pass. At one point in time, she travelled for work to a different country and shared apartment with another man (which married woman does this).

She creates a lot of emotional drama and calls the whole family every time my ex-boyfriend tried to talk about divorce (well, not too sure now what's true and what's not. I have lost faith on every thing and every one).

 

They have been married for the same time as me and my husband were. I at-least had a baby to try to make our marriage work. Even when my husband was not interested in a baby.

 

They don't have a baby. My ex boyfriend says she does not want one because she has some hormonal issues and cannot really conceive. That also made he less interested in him, but she wants to keep him because he is at a good position in a good job, plus the money (of course) which I think she isn't ready to lose.

 

He has some substantial property that they both share.

But after he discussed divorce (which I think he did), she called the whole family and accused him of cheating her. But then, if a wife cares for her husband, would she leave him and go on work trips that long.

 

- Seriously!

 

Yes, I am accused of cheating, but what's this other woman like.

 

In my crazy moment when I sent her all her husbands emails, she wrote back a stupid mail accusing me of everything. She even knows about my pregnancy, but is living quite happily with him. This did not seem to be an issue with her.

She even suggested that my boyfriend can continue having an affair as long as he keeps his marriage.

 

What kind of sick thinking is that?

Well....I am just venting it out.

I should get back to work.

 

Thanks for this forum. I can say things that have been sitting inside me since months and making me sick.

[Clay]

Everyone can come up with reasons why they behave the way they do. Not many people can really Own there mistakes. It was your choice to stay married while sleeping with another man. That is your to own and only yours. Its not the other mans fault it is yours alone.

 

Now with all that being said its really in the past now. This is your chance to do things right and get your life back on track. Keep him blocked and keep one thing in your mind. He was never for you. It would have never worked and your better off with someone healthy that is single.

 

Focus on your daughter and find things to do outside of work with her that are healthy. Life wont get better until you put the work in to make it better. One day at a time seems like a lot at times but really its the very thing that you will remember the most. Life does get better.

 

Clay

[Akashsingh]

I was actually stunned reading your story. You are out of reality with life. Your marriage is a reality. Past BF is just that, a fantasy.

 

You have no self control in my opinion. You gave in to temptations way too many times. You didn't care about your husband and nor did you care about your daughter. If your daughter ever read this, she will never forgive you for what you did to her.

 

Anyways, its never too late in life. You need to break of ALL contact with your boyfriend. You should not even have gotten involved with him until he was divorced and you were divorced for altogether different reasons.

 

If you haven't already, apologize to your husband. There is a chance that your husband will take you back but thats after you have gotten your life on track and and you care for yourself well.

 

Don't be selfish. Don't kill yourself. If not anyone else, your daughter surely needs you.

 

Leave your boyfriend alone, forever, get a restraining order against him if he keeps contacting you and get your life back on track. Its unlikely your husband will be with anyone else but once you are back on track and completely recovered he may take you back.

 

As for what others have said, I do respect your boyfriends wife. She surely knows how to not lose her husband to another woman and get her family destroyed, no matter how much it hurts her. She is the only one who is thinking with the right head here.

 

All the best!

[annie0677]

 

If you haven't already, apologize to your husband. There is a chance that your husband will take you back but thats after you have gotten your life on track and and you care for yourself well.

 

Its unlikely your husband will be with anyone else but once you are back on track and completely recovered he may take you back.

 

As for what others have said, I do respect your boyfriends wife. She surely knows how to not lose her husband to another woman and get her family destroyed, no matter how much it hurts her. She is the only one who is thinking with the right head here.

 

All the best!

 

There is a chance that your husband will take you back but thats after you have gotten your life on track and and you care for yourself well.

 

I have apologized for all that happened. But I don't want to be TAKEN back. I am not a pet who is dependent for food and survival on another human being. I respect him, but what counts for a Non-On-Track life?

 

My life is on track, just that I am dealing with some relationship issues and trying to be strong. But I am not homeless, or handicap?

 

Help me understand this (to all those who are reading):

 

I am not ashamed of anything. Yes, it happened in an improper way, but then that's al-right. I have not murdered anyone, nor am I on drugs, or doing anything horrible as I am made to feel in this forum.

 

Yes, cheating is bad. FINE (period).

But its not a crime, and its not deliberate in many cases.

 

And if we look at it again...people cheat because they are not happy or fulfilled in their current relationships.

 

To all the people who cheated: are you ashamed of yourself.

Because I am not. I am sorry, that is it.

 

And I don't want to go back to my husband because something was clearly missing in my marriage that led to this. Now, pretending that I have suddenly found love in the same guy whom I cheated...won't that be a bigger cheating.

 

Is this a messed up way of thinking?

Or is my way of thinking messed up?

 

About his wife - or women who are cheated upon - its their personal decision what they want to do.

But as a person, if someone cheats on me, I would me hurt but I would gracefully move aside instead of holding that person or that relationship that has clearly lost its meaning.

 

Well, I am so confused and sad on the way I am being made to feel.

I don't feel guilt about cheating my husband. I feel sorry because I should have divorced before all that happened. But this is not how life works.

 

We don't plan things like that.

 

And I am not ashamed of anything. Neither will my child be.

Instead I am proud of myself that I am not putting an innocent face in front of my husband and pretending I love him while lying on his bed.

That would have been messed up!!

[annie0677]

Please, stop making me feel guilty.

 

As I said, I am sorry. But I am a human.

Please stop making others feel like a criminal, people who cheated due to some reason. They are not in a happy situation themselves, and making them feel as if they have committed a horrible crime won't do any good.

 

At least I am not killing innocent children or conspiring to bring down a nation. I just fell in love with this man, and did what anyone in love would do.

 

And by the way, marriages were NOT created by God. They were created by us (messed up humans) to create more mess in our lives.

 

I am feeling sick by the way people judge the ones who cheat. They are not as bad as they are being portrayed in here. Please, stop making me feel like a criminal.

[Steen719]

Meant kindly - it might be that you would get more support if you went to the OW/OM thread. Many posters on this thread and the infidelity thread have been cheated on and have had their lives turned upside down by their loved one's infidelity. When you are the betrayed spouse, it can be disturbing to see someone justify their infidelity.

 

I am not trying to be mean spirited; I am just trying to tell you that support from that thread might be more of what you need.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just fell in love with this man, and did what anyone in love would do.

 

Actually, that's not close to being true. And I'll just leave it at that...

 

Mr. Lucky