Thinking Someone Else is Present

[jen1447]

Let your imagination run wild. Hourly logs on your movements, frequent reports on your plans and destinations, denial of privileges to meet people, social isolation, brainwashing ....you name it.

[treehugger101]

Here's an update on today's text conversation

 

Him: "You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful and please hang in there for me but only if you still love me. Remember you don't need to be perfect to be wonderful. Yours always B."

 

Him: "Anyways my parents would like to meet you."

 

Then I answer him in response to his previous text from last night about wanting to go out of state or out of the country for work etc.

 

Me: "I would not wait for you if you went away I can't do that long distance of a relationship that's too much for me to handle. Us being far apart right now is a lot to handle too."

 

Me: And we already discussed this I would meet your family and visit your area on your Birthday."

 

Me: As for us I honestly do not know anymore."

 

Me: "I think you are really sick you have jealousy issues, paranoia or something else is up besides your ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc.

 

Me: "I have issues too but there not as bad as yours are."

 

Me: I can't have this keeping happening and it's happened countless times before."

 

Me: "I think you may also be passive aggressive and manipulate."

 

Me: "I really don't know how many more chances I can give you before I just give up."

 

Me: "What are you really doing? Are you hiding something and not telling me? If you are talking or dating someone else just tell me. I don't care if it hurts me, I want to know whats going on."

 

Me: I think we should talk in person than texting or phone it gets our feelings out more."

 

Him: "I absoultely NOT seeing or evening interested in anyone I have my eyes for only you! And would you like it if I came over more often. I can bring my video game console and when I am back in school I could study with you?"

 

Him: "As long as I would not bother anyone."

 

Me: "I don't know."

 

Me: "You ignored everything I just told you."

 

Him: "When is the latest I can swing by?"

 

Me: "Are you going to come over so we can talk or not?"

 

Him: "The other car is in the shop."

 

Me: What time do you want to come over?"

 

Him: "I got a car."

 

Me: "Just forget it."

 

Me: "This is what I want you to do, I want you to leave me alone for a few days I need some time to myself."

 

Him: "Sure contact me when you are ready."

 

I still do not know what to do. I don't want to break up and be single and date all over again. It took me 4 years to get a boyfriend again and this guy is caring and loving and does treat me well, he just has these moments and it drives us both crazy.

 

I really don't know what to do.

[Gaeta]

how old are you 2 ?

[treehugger101]

how old are you 2 ?

 

Both going on 28.

[treehugger101]

Well I thought all was well. But tonight it happened again. I called my Bf on Skype in a video call but the connection kept cutting in and out. When we did get it to work, we talked briefly and he goes and tells me that some guys are telling him that I said I hate him or he hates me or something then played some audio from his phone that I could not understand or hear because it was all staticy. He then said he could hear guys talking and hung up. I again DID NOT have any guys in my room, I did not have the TV on and I did not have any videos or music or anything running on my computer but yet he says there were guys he could hear. I don't know what to do. I just feel bad.

[leavesonautumn]

Well I thought all was well. But tonight it happened again. I called my Bf on Skype in a video call but the connection kept cutting in and out. When we did get it to work, we talked briefly and he goes and tells me that some guys are telling him that I said I hate him or he hates me or something then played some audio from his phone that I could not understand or hear because it was all staticy. He then said he could hear guys talking and hung up. I again DID NOT have any guys in my room, I did not have the TV on and I did not have any videos or music or anything running on my computer but yet he says there were guys he could hear. I don't know what to do. I just feel bad.

 

Do you honestly think that you deserve to be treated this way? I don't know you personally but I'm telling you that you can do 100% better than this guy. He's sabotaging the relationship and pushing you away. Almost like he's doing it on purpose.

 

Don't you want to be in a relationship with no tension? That's relaxed and makes you feel better about yourself and not worse. There's someone out there for you who won't be crazy and make you feel guilty for literally nothing. Why do you feel bad? There's nothing you can do, honestly. I think that you need to end it. It'll be hard but it's better to be miserable alone and learn to love yourself then miserable with someone else.

 

There's a saying that goes "we accept the love we think we deserve". Think about it.

[treehugger101]

Do you honestly think that you deserve to be treated this way? I don't know you personally but I'm telling you that you can do 100% better than this guy. He's sabotaging the relationship and pushing you away. Almost like he's doing it on purpose.

 

Don't you want to be in a relationship with no tension? That's relaxed and makes you feel better about yourself and not worse. There's someone out there for you who won't be crazy and make you feel guilty for literally nothing. Why do you feel bad? There's nothing you can do, honestly. I think that you need to end it. It'll be hard but it's better to be miserable alone and learn to love yourself then miserable with someone else.

 

There's a saying that goes "we accept the love we think we deserve". Think about it.

 

He told me sorry. But this has happened a handful of times since we have been dating and I don't like it. I am not cheating on him but he keeps telling me this.

 

 

I do want to be in a relationship thats like that and I think this one is that but these hiccups keep happening and I don't know what to do. Right now I am just leaving him alone, ignoring him for a while so he can relax.

[minime13]

Well I thought all was well. But tonight it happened again. I called my Bf on Skype in a video call but the connection kept cutting in and out. When we did get it to work, we talked briefly and he goes and tells me that some guys are telling him that I said I hate him or he hates me or something then played some audio from his phone that I could not understand or hear because it was all staticy. He then said he could hear guys talking and hung up. I again DID NOT have any guys in my room, I did not have the TV on and I did not have any videos or music or anything running on my computer but yet he says there were guys he could hear. I don't know what to do. I just feel bad.

 

He's not going to get over it, and it's his problem. He doesn't need to make it yours anymore.

 

If you've never given him reason to do this, then he needs to quit it. If he doesn't, then I think you need to call it.

[Sonyo]

I've been in his shoes before with the fear of being cheated on again. Looking at the texts, he really is being too over the top with his assumption of there being dudes in your room, especially when you have never wronged him before. But using the "Get over it and trust me or I'm leaving" method doesn't work.

 

You'll be dealing with this for a long while. He'll be overly sensitive to any possible sign that he's being played, but at the same time, he really wants to believe that you love him. Unless you can give him solid proof, it'll stay like this until he either gives up , or you guys break up. (doing the thing where you put the phone up to the source of the noise or scan the room with your cam may actually help. Or at the very least, it'll show that you love him enough to try to give him peace of mind.)

 

Assuming that he really isn't trying to hide his own infidelities, the position he's in is heart-wrenchingly hard. In my experience, I had a boyfriend that I was suspicious of cheating. There were a couple little signs and I confronted him about it.

He told me, "What? No I'm not cheating, I don't even know where you're getting this from. If you're not going to trust me then what's the point in this relationship? What's your deal? You're too paranoid!"

I trusted him and backed off. Further down the line, I found out he did indeed cheat on me.

 

Later down with a different boyfriend, same thing happens, but then I was more wary and on edge. He tells me: "What? No I'm not cheating, I don't even know where you're getting this from. If you're not going to trust me then what's the point in this relationship? What's your deal? You're too paranoid!" He did not cheat on me.

 

Telling someone to blindly trust you after they had been screwed over by blindly trusting someone isn't going to help any. Hell, it may make you look even more suspicious, especially saying something like "I need time away from you for a few days." That line right there makes the situation worse :/

 

But lets say you can't provide proof, or the proof you give isn't good enough. Yes, the situation will get worse at first. He will start to test you, he'll be more accusatory, he'll be more aggressive and apologetic at the same time. Dude'll be a mess, and the only you can do is say some reassuring words to calm his mind. Over time, he'll get better. Getting mad at him for trying to find reassurance isn't going to help. But it's not easy either.

 

But if you don't want to deal with it, because it really is daunting, then leave now and hope the next guy you find has no issues.

[leavesonautumn]

He told me sorry. But this has happened a handful of times since we have been dating and I don't like it. I am not cheating on him but he keeps telling me this.

 

 

I do want to be in a relationship thats like that and I think this one is that but these hiccups keep happening and I don't know what to do. Right now I am just leaving him alone, ignoring him for a while so he can relax.

 

I know that you love him but it's only going to get worse.

 

Tell him that he is going to lose you if he can't trust you because of something that he's making up in his head. Some people even view it as a form of abuse. He's intentionally making you feel bad and guilty and you've done nothing wrong. I understand that it's only one facet of the relationship but it's obvious that it's something that's important to you because you've come here to ask about it.

 

I still believe that my ex and I loved each other very much and there were a lot of fun times but the tension, resentment and anger wasn't worth it.

[treehugger101]

He's not going to get over it, and it's his problem. He doesn't need to make it yours anymore.

 

If you've never given him reason to do this, then he needs to quit it. If he doesn't, then I think you need to call it.

 

When we ended the call he tried calling me back but I declined it and told him I didn't want to talk and he kept on saying he needs support and reassurance, I have told him countless times I am not cheating. I don't know what else I can say to him. But I am not going to talk to him anymore tonight and probably tomorrow.

 

Him and I are suppose to hang out this Thursday for his Birthday and I am suppose to meet his family and hang out in his area but I don't know if that is even still happening.

[minime13]

When we ended the call he tried calling me back but I declined it and told him I didn't want to talk and he kept on saying he needs support and reassurance, I have told him countless times I am not cheating. I don't know what else I can say to him. But I am not going to talk to him anymore tonight and probably tomorrow.

 

Him and I are suppose to hang out this Thursday for his Birthday and I am suppose to meet his family and hang out in his area but I don't know if that is even still happening.

I don't think I would move forward anymore until he decides he can. Meeting his family, while he's somewhat accusing you of fooling around? No. You should make that call and explain why.

[leavesonautumn]

I've been in his shoes before with the fear of being cheated on again. Looking at the texts, he really is being too over the top with his assumption of there being dudes in your room, especially when you have never wronged him before. But using the "Get over it and trust me or I'm leaving" method doesn't work.

 

You'll be dealing with this for a long while. He'll be overly sensitive to any possible sign that he's being played, but at the same time, he really wants to believe that you love him. Unless you can give him solid proof, it'll stay like this until he either gives up , or you guys break up. (doing the thing where you put the phone up to the source of the noise or scan the room with your cam may actually help. Or at the very least, it'll show that you love him enough to try to give him peace of mind.)

 

Assuming that he really isn't trying to hide his own infidelities, the position he's in is heart-wrenchingly hard. In my experience, I had a boyfriend that I was suspicious of cheating. There were a couple little signs and I confronted him about it.

He told me, "What? No I'm not cheating, I don't even know where you're getting this from. If you're not going to trust me then what's the point in this relationship? What's your deal? You're too paranoid!"

I trusted him and backed off. Further down the line, I found out he did indeed cheat on me.

 

Later down with a different boyfriend, same thing happens, but then I was more wary and on edge. He tells me: "What? No I'm not cheating, I don't even know where you're getting this from. If you're not going to trust me then what's the point in this relationship? What's your deal? You're too paranoid!" He did not cheat on me.

 

Telling someone to blindly trust you after they had been screwed over by blindly trusting someone isn't going to help any. Hell, it may make you look even more suspicious, especially saying something like "I need time away from you for a few days." That line right there makes the situation worse :/

 

But lets say you can't provide proof, or the proof you give isn't good enough. Yes, the situation will get worse at first. He will start to test you, he'll be more accusatory, he'll be more aggressive and apologetic at the same time. Dude'll be a mess, and the only you can do is say some reassuring words to calm his mind. Over time, he'll get better. Getting mad at him for trying to find reassurance isn't going to help. But it's not easy either.

 

But if you don't want to deal with it, because it really is daunting, then leave now and hope the next guy you find has no issues.

 

I'm sorry but I completely disagree. Life is way too short to spend it trying to prove that you're not cheating. His accusations are not just "well, I found these texts to another guy, is something going on?", his accusations are based on paranoia and his own mind making up situations. Why would she be calling him if she has a guy over that she's cheating on him with? Makes no sense.

 

It's not her job to make him feel less paranoid, he needs to get help or learn to live in the moment and feel relaxation. Maybe if she had cheated on him in the past but she's done nothing to deserve it.

 

I was also in that position, the jealous person and no, it never got better. It only got worse. My ex didn't know how bad it got because I kept it to myself but I believe that I truly lost who I was due to paranoia and fear. My ex never cheated on me either.

 

And now? I'd never ask a partner to scan their room with their phone while we Skype to make sure they aren't with someone. The thought itself sounds crazy, to be honest.

[treehugger101]

I don't think I would move forward anymore until he decides he can. Meeting his family, while he's somewhat accusing you of fooling around? No. You should make that call and explain why.

 

Yeah I don't know what to say or do right now.

[treehugger101]

Haha! Here is a little update on what he's been telling me since I am not talking to him right now. He told me the following on Skype AND DELETED ME on Skype:

 

Him: when i say i l love you i say it because i mean your the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and to lose your love would be the most devastating

Him: and could not for give my self for hitting you or losing your smile your hart and mind

Him: good luck

Him: i was always there for you

 

Then he said this to me on Facebook

 

Him: i come over later today

Him: I worried that your going to dump me because of my PTSD thing

Him: coming tomorrow?

Him: I get it your not coming

Him: if your not coming or talking do you what to be with me at all?

 

I just don't know what to do or think right now.

[Redhead14]

Haha! Here is a little update on what he's been telling me since I am not talking to him right now. He told me the following on Skype AND DELETED ME on Skype:

 

Him: when i say i l love you i say it because i mean your the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and to lose your love would be the most devastating

Him: and could not for give my self for hitting you or losing your smile your hart and mind

Him: good luck

Him: i was always there for you

 

Then he said this to me on Facebook

 

Him: i come over later today

Him: I worried that your going to dump me because of my PTSD thing

Him: coming tomorrow?

Him: I get it your not coming

Him: if your not coming or talking do you what to be with me at all?

 

I just don't know what to do or think right now.

 

 

In the top set, he's basically acknowledged that it was over and in the bottom set he thinks you're GOING to dump him. I don't remember where in this thread you talked about him having PTSD, but this is a one of several hallmark traits for people who have PTSD. Included in that picture are delusional and irrational though processes and paranoia. They have differing sets of reality for themselves and do switch between them.

 

You need to go no contact with him period. This is way above your relationship skill set, and most anyone's for that matter. If he shows up at your place, do not open the door and call the police. This needs to end now.

[treehugger101]

In the top set, he's basically acknowledged that it was over and in the bottom set he thinks you're GOING to dump him. I don't remember where in this thread you talked about him having PTSD, but this is a one of several hallmark traits for people who have PTSD. Included in that picture are delusional and irrational though processes and paranoia. They have differing sets of reality for themselves and do switch between them.

 

You need to go no contact with him period. This is way above your relationship skill set, and most anyone's for that matter. If he shows up at your place, do not open the door and call the police. This needs to end now.

 

Why should I end it? What happens to people who date someone who suffer from PTSD? There are army guys who deal with it and they get married and live happy lives. This guy has PTSD due to a drowning incident where he couldn't save this person, thats what caused his PTSD. And his ex put him through a lot as well.

[Redhead14]

Why should I end it? What happens to people who date someone who suffer from PTSD? There are army guys who deal with it and they get married and live happy lives. This guy has PTSD due to a drowning incident where he couldn't save this person, thats what caused his PTSD. And his ex put him through a lot as well.

 

PTSD is a very difficult thing to deal with as a partner. Unless he is getting counseling for himself and you make a ton of effort and attend counseling for yourself to get educated on how to handle angry outbursts, confusing behavior, learning about triggers, helping him manage his environment and everything you've been dealing with so far, you are going to suffer as well.

 

Men who were in the army and suffer from PTSD, are offered counseling for themselves and family members.

 

And not to minimize the affects of war on military personnel, the type of trauma your boyfriend experienced is perhaps a little deeper. There are degrees of PTSD as well. It is measured on a scale that identifies the degree of affectation for the individual. Based on what you've posted here, he has co-morbid conditions as well. Has he been diagnosed properly by a professional?

 

All that being said, they are quite unpredictable and sometimes volatile. You must have seen the news in the last few years where men who have PTSD have committed some very heinous acts.

 

If you are bent on keeping the relationship, I would insist on counseling for him first and a complete evaluation and be included in co-counseling sessions.

[minime13]

Him: and could not for give my self for hitting you or losing your smile your hart and mind

 

This concerns me.

 

PTSD is something that can be treated, and a person suffering from it can lead a happy life, but the average person is NOT equipped to handle it.

 

He's not equipped to handle it on his own and, without real help, he will just get worse. If he's been physical, it will get worse. Please don't put yourself in that situation.

 

If you want to stick with this relationship, then he must seek counseling and you must do the same in order to understand how it will affect you. Anything less than that will be detrimental.

[treehugger101]

I can't afford therapy or counseling and he was seeing a therapist to help him with his PTSD, anxiety, ADHD etc. But he said that therapist was manipulating him etc.

[treehugger101]

Now he tells me this on Skype

 

Him: i am glad i never showed you my Dom side you have not earned it

Him: jgood by

[minime13]

Now he tells me this on Skype

 

Him: i am glad i never showed you my Dom side you have not earned it

Him: jgood by

 

Leave him. He's not right in the head right now. I don't even know how else to put it.

[treehugger101]

Leave him. He's not right in the head right now. I don't even know how else to put it.

 

Well here's the update, he told me this last night "i have had so many bad birth days i was scared this would be the same…. all i what is to be with you and keep our plans to see jerasic park"

 

At midnight I told him "HAPPY BDAY" on Skype and Facebook and he didn't respond. So I don't know I think we're done or he just doesn't care.

 

I just wish he would be a man and man up and come over and talk about our problems and make things right etc.

[Redhead14]

I can't afford therapy or counseling and he was seeing a therapist to help him with his PTSD, anxiety, ADHD etc. But he said that therapist was manipulating him etc.

 

He is not capable of making a sound evaluation as to the counselor's effectiveness. And, this is a typical paranoid/delusional response. He likely thinks a lot of other people are trying to manipulate him. Counselors have no reason and it serves no personal interest to them to manipulate a patient. His thought process is faulty.

 

Since you cannot afford counseling, then it is not worth putting yourself into a situation that will cause you to be unhappy and frustrated in because you will be feeling helpless.

 

I want you to look deeper into yourself and think about why you are even considering moving forward with him. A strong, secure, independent woman would not do this. What exactly is it that's keeping you from ending it? Do you feel the need to try to be a rescuer?

 

What have other relationships you've had looked like? Think about the best ones you've had and how they made you feel and how you were treated in those relationships just as a matter of perspective for yourself.

 

Think about all the things you've posted here about him and what you are going through right now. It will be all this times 100 if you stay with him and he isn't accepting help.

[minime13]

 

I just wish he would be a man and man up and come over and talk about our problems and make things right etc.

 

He isn't capable.

 

Tons of Churches offer free support groups and group meetings on a host of things. If you want to go with this, please try to get some support.