withregerts Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 This is my first thread, and probably the only reason why I signed on because I really need some input/insight. For some background, my fiance and I have been in a relationship of nearly 6 years. We got engaged last summer, and have plans to marry in summer of 2016. We have many things in common, when we are happy we are very happy, but when we disagree on something it feels exhausting and the future is all of a sudden not very optimistic. Our sex life has been pretty sad for the past 2+ years, we pretty much only get intimate about 1-2x a month. His drive is low while mine is high. I've put in my concerns about this in the past many times, and we try to work on things but we never make way with anything. So it's basically having a conversation and no action is put forward. Getting back to my subject...with wedding planning and other life stresses I find his attention and care for me has been lacking. We've also been having disagreements a lot on wedding issues since we got engaged. I know I care deeply for him, and like mentioned above when we are happy we are so very much in love. With the stress and all I took some time off of work to stay home, and he was working out of town, and I had the whole house to myself and our 2 cats. I eventually grew bored and found myself "creeping" sites like PoF. I didn't message anyone and didn't post any pictures, but when there is a person who grabs my interest we would swap pictures. So 2 days ago, this one guy gave me the long lost feeling of love/lust. We decided to meet up for a coffee. We had an amazing conversation, one that I haven't had with anyone in a very long time. After the coffee nothing happened. I didn't realize the time or the missed calls. By the time I realized it was really late, I told him a lie about my parents fighting and my mom staying with me. At the time it felt like the perfect cover up because my parents would often get into heated arguments. But then I realize we have a house alarm that can be monitored remotely, and after exchanging conversation this morning I suspect that he finds holes in my story. Like when I got home and what not. So, I am really lost right now. I feel bad. I feel guilty. I am scared that he realizes I lied, and I am so scared that if I was honest about what happened it would be the end of us. We are pretty much common laws by this point, and I am just so scared that I may have lost a potentially really good husband because I was bored. Sorry for the long story, please help! Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 End the relationship right now. He isn't the right person for you so end this shame and save him the horror of a physical betrayal - which is one very, very short step away. You would be crazy to continue a relationship with someone you are so wildly sexually incompatible with. If you do marry him, you get what you deserve. However, he deserves to be set free to find someone who actually loves him. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
nina_x Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I am so scared that if I was honest about what happened it would be the end of us. Then just end it...as sad as it may seem, you don't love him anymore, and at this point, I doubt he loves you too. Honey, do you really want to live a life with no love, just because he is a good husband? His sex drive will not improve, he will not change...just end the relationshipt and do a favor for both of you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 before you end the relationship why not communicate honestly with him. if you decide to part let him know why.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author withregerts Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 End the relationship right now. He isn't the right person for you so end this shame and save him the horror of a physical betrayal - which is one very, very short step away. You would be crazy to continue a relationship with someone you are so wildly sexually incompatible with. If you do marry him, you get what you deserve. However, he deserves to be set free to find someone who actually loves him. I actually have openly told him my concerns and that we should in fact end things, but he reassures me that he loves me and will continue to work on things. Deep down I have a feeling that we are lingering on with the fear of shame and embarrassment we will have to face with our friends and family when we call things off. Not to mention our shared possessions...perhaps I do have my answer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author withregerts Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 Then just end it...as sad as it may seem, you don't love him anymore, and at this point, I doubt he loves you too. Honey, do you really want to live a life with no love, just because he is a good husband? His sex drive will not improve, he will not change...just end the relationshipt and do a favor for both of you. It's not that we don't love each other. We miss each other and we always have each other in our thoughts, but for me it feels like we're in an asexual relationship. It's all in the upper hemisphere and not much happening in the lower. This is something that I have told him about numerous times and that we should seriously consider it before we get married and try for children, but keeps reassuring me that it will get better... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author withregerts Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 before you end the relationship why not communicate honestly with him. if you decide to part let him know why.... Honest as in tell him I "emotionally" cheated on him? Or honest that I am not feeling the same passion that we once shared? If it's the latter then it's been talked about many times... Link to post Share on other sites
nina_x Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 It's not that we don't love each other. We miss each other and we always have each other in our thoughts, but for me it feels like we're in an asexual relationship. It's all in the upper hemisphere and not much happening in the lower. This is something that I have told him about numerous times and that we should seriously consider it before we get married and try for children, but keeps reassuring me that it will get better... If you're searching for other men online, then I can tell it's not getting better...ask yourself honestly: do you think it will? It's not yours or his fault, you are just different personalities that have opposite needs on a very important field. I just ask you to please don't cheat on him. You are one setp close to doing it, he doesn't deserve it... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 So you didn't feel guilty for stepping out on him but you feel guilty you might be caught? You might want to think seriously about stopping any kind of wedding plans and tell him the truth. There is no reason you can't part ways on good terms. Clearly your not all that in love with him. Relationships are hard work and to often people just think since the fairy tale feelings are not happening again they need to just look elsewhere. The good news is someday you will get to experience just what your Boyfriend is about to experience. Hopefully he already know and he can just move on. Life is to short to spend any time on people that play these kinds of games. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
davidromero43 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Don't tell him about the coffee guy. But you should cut bait. Life is too short to not be happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author withregerts Posted May 21, 2015 Author Share Posted May 21, 2015 So you didn't feel guilty for stepping out on him but you feel guilty you might be caught? You might want to think seriously about stopping any kind of wedding plans and tell him the truth. There is no reason you can't part ways on good terms. Clearly your not all that in love with him. Relationships are hard work and to often people just think since the fairy tale feelings are not happening again they need to just look elsewhere. The good news is someday you will get to experience just what your Boyfriend is about to experience. Hopefully he already know and he can just move on. Life is to short to spend any time on people that play these kinds of games. Clay The guilt I feel is for meeting someone. I am not saying my actions are right, but like I have mentioned above I have brought this issue up before that I needed more from him and our relationship. I just remained hopeful that it will improve because I do love him. I did tell that we should end things before we get married and have children and realize that it's just not working. But he reassures me that it will change, and he simply cannot let 6 years of relationship go. I feel the same way, and I cannot find it in my heart to fully let go on what we've established in 6 years as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 The guilt I feel is for meeting someone. I am not saying my actions are right, but like I have mentioned above I have brought this issue up before that I needed more from him and our relationship. I just remained hopeful that it will improve because I do love him. I did tell that we should end things before we get married and have children and realize that it's just not working. But he reassures me that it will change, and he simply cannot let 6 years of relationship go. I feel the same way, and I cannot find it in my heart to fully let go on what we've established in 6 years as well. With all that being said then you DONT CHEAT. You invest your heart and your time back in him. Its not just on his part to get the spark back. So many people just think its going to magically just work out. It doesn't. I think you have to tell him the truth about the other guy. If you really want to stay with your Boyfriend you need to close the door to this other guy all together. What you do with your life is your choice but if your not willing to do the hard work to make your life with him better then you should just get out now. It doesn't get any easier as your grow older. Think twice before you look at another man again. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nina_x Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 The guilt I feel is for meeting someone. I am not saying my actions are right, but like I have mentioned above I have brought this issue up before that I needed more from him and our relationship. I just remained hopeful that it will improve because I do love him. I did tell that we should end things before we get married and have children and realize that it's just not working. But he reassures me that it will change, and he simply cannot let 6 years of relationship go. I feel the same way, and I cannot find it in my heart to fully let go on what we've established in 6 years as well. Honey, nobody can give you assurance that things will get better. If you came here looking for that, sorry, but it's impossible for anyone to assure you that. It's up to you to give the relationship a chance or not, but remember it's also up to you to bring the spark back, not only for him. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Wedding planning is stressful. I cried almost every day. There were a few things DH & I disagreed about but compromise was easy. If you two are having trouble seeing eye to eye, that is a bad sign. As for the other stuff, it's unlikely the sex will get better. This should be one of the most passionate times of your life. I've looked at pictures on dating sites since I have been married. It's not because I want somebody else. I was curious. Mostly I go, thank heavens I don't have to deal with this. You are looking because you are seeking a reason to leave your FI. You don't feel secure enough in yourself to be alone. You are seeking a safety net. You can't marry him as things stand. Are you getting any pre-marital counseling? If not, sign up for some but do not marry until your feelings & sexual needs are addressed to your satisfaction. Cold feet is one thing. . . you seem to be trying to get out without accepting responsibility for wanting to end things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 2 wrongs don't make a right and 3 are disaster. You did cheat. He is lying. Sex 1 or 2 times a month spells a big problem especially if this behaviour is recent. You have been together 6 years. If it has always been this way, you should have never said yes to the proposal. Regardless. If the problem for him is not physical, then what is missing is fundamental to any successful relationship. You need to stop the wedding now. No more excuses from him. He needs to get checked out or be honest with you. Speaking of being honest, of course you should tell him. There is plenty of justification on your part for breaking it off, but none for taking it so far as too meet someone else on the sneak. It is a character flaw that you must own. Don't make a 3rd mistake. Telling him will only expose the truth....on both sides. Don't fear. Just do it. Honestly, you have nothing to really lose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 The guilt I feel is for meeting someone. I am not saying my actions are right, but like I have mentioned above I have brought this issue up before that I needed more from him and our relationship. I just remained hopeful that it will improve because I do love him. I did tell that we should end things before we get married and have children and realize that it's just not working. But he reassures me that it will change, and he simply cannot let 6 years of relationship go. I feel the same way, and I cannot find it in my heart to fully let go on what we've established in 6 years as well. No, it will not change because he is who he is. It takes courage to end a 6 year relationship because you are comfortable with each other and you don't have to go out and start your life over. Even though it's scary to think about, you know, absolutely, that it is going to end badly if you go through with the marriage. He doesn't have the guts - most men don't - so you are going to have to be the strong one. A year from now he will be thankful to you for ending it before you married. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Engaged women shouldn't be going on dates with other men. And that's what you did. You need to end this relationship and let him go; you can then go on as many dates as you want. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Sorry but it's time to end this relationship. Whatever you do, don't marry him you're incompatible in the bedroom and yes, that alone is reason enough to leave someone. You nearly crossed the line into cheating because of "boredom" - if that isn't a sign that there's something wrong with your relationship, what else could be? Why would you prefer to spend the rest of your life leading double lives and cheating when you could easily break it off and prevent a lot of suffering to happen? And please don't start with "It won't happen again" - marriage will be a lot tougher for your relationship than engagement, it WILL happen if you stay with him for sure. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 I do believe that you love each other, but sadly, love isn't enough. There also needs to be compatibility, and in at least one important area, you're not compatible. This is something that the two of you have to face up to. At the very least, put your wedding on hold. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Trufita Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Maybe he has low testosterone, and that is why he has such a low sex drive, he could be checked by an endocrinologist doctor. Seriously, I study medicine and I have seen a few cases like that. You didn't cheat on him, but it definitely wasn't a good thing to do. As long as you don't do it again and as nothing happened, if you want to continue together, I think you shouldn't tell him. It's time to put in a balance what's more important for you. Chances are the next guy you are with will have a higher sex drive, but will he be husband material? Will he love you like your fiance does? Sex it's a very important part of life, but it's not all Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 My take is that 2 years of inadequate sex is definitely a trend, not a fluke, so chances are very, very good (bad) that your sex life won't improve. It's already unsatisfactory, right? So ....say hello to a lifetime of sexual dissatisfaction. I won't stand in judgment of seeing the coffee guy, but I will say that imo the fact you did that and searched for excitement online while your fiance was away is just an indication of where your head and your lady bits are. Red flags. I'd seriously reconsider things. If the sex stays dormant, you're life will be unfulfilled (bad for you), you'll probably get it elsewhere, and he'll end up betrayed (bad for him). I do applaud you for taking a hard look at this now instead of later hon. Good luck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LadyDeadpool Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 How have you guys approached the sex issue if you don't mind me asking? For example is it the case that he doesn't enjoy sex? Or does he not like initiating it? If it's the latter, you could try initiating sex more often and see how he responds to that. Also find out if he has any fantasies at all that you would be willing to participate in as that could help encourage his sex drive. This all applies, however, if you love him enough that you want to make it work. If you don't then you should definitely cut ties because your sex drives don't seem compatible. But if you decide to give it one more shot and you've already tried the above, I'd recommend some sex therapy or something just so that he can find where his problems with sex are coming from. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JADIE Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Deep down I have a feeling that we are lingering on with the fear of shame and embarrassment we will have to face with our friends and family when we call things off. THIS. This is how I ended up in a disastrous 6 yr marriage. End it now and save yourself many many years of grief. I compounded a bad marriage by thinking a baby would help bond us together. Gads, what an idiot! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author withregerts Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 How have you guys approached the sex issue if you don't mind me asking? For example is it the case that he doesn't enjoy sex? Or does he not like initiating it? If it's the latter, you could try initiating sex more often and see how he responds to that. Also find out if he has any fantasies at all that you would be willing to participate in as that could help encourage his sex drive. This all applies, however, if you love him enough that you want to make it work. If you don't then you should definitely cut ties because your sex drives don't seem compatible. But if you decide to give it one more shot and you've already tried the above, I'd recommend some sex therapy or something just so that he can find where his problems with sex are coming from. I do try initiating sex often. From reading everyone's reply (which I appreciate all) we are quite incompatible in the bedroom though we are best friends out of bed. He's quite the early bird, while I am nocturnal. When we roll into bed that's when my switch turns on which he's already snoring. I tried lingerie, role playing and all. We do get around to actually getting it on when I put the effort, but he doesn't really reciprocate that kind of "fun" which I often find disappointing... However, thank you for your suggestion with the therapist. I will definitely bring it up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 If a man can't get into having sex with you anymore, could also mean he's been getting it from somewhere else. Who's to say you are not the only one who is cheating here? He's no idiot, he knows he's lost interest. It's possible he is going to have second thoughts about getting married as the date approaches. Have a straight talk with him, about everything, and finally come to terms that this needs to end. Link to post Share on other sites
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