Feeling so much anger

[MuddyFootprints]

That's what I don't get, whose to say it will be exposed? NOBODY knows that. I'm taking my chances that it wont.

And if it does, then I have no choice but to deal with it.

 

Call me selfish or whatever you want. doesn't matter to me.

 

I know it can blow up anytime. But for me, id rather live in that fear, then to confess to something that may never get exposed.

 

I cannot possibly be the only one that has never confessed.

 

I don't believe you want to live with that fear.

[Rainbowlove]

Nikki,

 

I think the thing you really need to carefully think about and truthfully answer for yourself is how can you achieve true inner-peace and happiness again in your life?

 

No one here can answer that for you.

 

You deserve to be happy. I hope you find the answers you need to get there...

[Sub]

...too close with too many moving parts and too much evidence.

This, and in a way, she's creating more evidence with every little "fire" she sets. At the very least, it's suspicious.

[Paenitentiae]

Nikki,

 

As I read your post, I feel like I could have written it myself. I can relate to everything you are feeling and truly sympathize with you. I too am dealing with nearly-crippling anger, toward both myself and the OM, since the end of the affair.

 

It has been just over a year since my D-day. The AP and I had been seeing each other for two years prior to that and had been friends (or so I thought) for a year before that even. He was very much the aggressor in the affair, pursuing me from the beginning, even when I was perfectly happy in my long-term relationship and told him he was crazy for ever thinking we would be together. He is a serial cheater, and I am convinced that he has done this before and he probably knew from experience that if he just told me day in and day out how much he was in love with me, that I would eventually have feelings for him too. Of course, I fell head over heels for his game, and I wonder how many other women in his past have too. I thought I was in love. I wanted to be with him and I hung on to his empty promises for far too long. After years of the ups and downs of the affair, the hot and cold, him showering me with attention and compliments one week then disappearing the next, him telling me how much he cared about me one day, and then saying he couldn't break up with his girlfriend the next, talking about all the things we would do together in the future and then never following through, sexting me one day and going on vacation with his girlfriend the next, I reached my breaking point. I couldn't allow myself to be used, abused, and disrespected that way anymore. I was an emotional wreck, but I finally acknowledged to myself what I had been avoiding all along: that he WAS using me, that he DIDN'T care about me the way he said he did, that he wasn't even a very good friend to me, that I WAS just an ego boost to him, and that I needed to cut him out of my life forever or I would never feel better, I would never get out of the fog. I wrote him a no contact letter with every intention of never speaking to him again. I mourned the end of the affair in quiet desperation for three weeks before I caved in and contacted him.

 

The things he said and the way he treated me that last time we spoke only served to solidify all my suspicions that he was using me and only really cared for himself. He exclaimed how hurt he was that I didn't want to be friends anymore (We were MORE than friends and he would have continued the affair indefinitely if I had not ended it), he claimed that he "respected my decision" when I sent the NC letter by not contacting me after that (he did contact me a week after I sent it, asking me incredulously why I blocked him from Facebook, as if he could not understand how I could not be friends with him anymore), he claimed that the fact I wrote the NC letter and accused him of hurting me was "so mean and rude" of me and that it had "totally turned him away from me" (as if the way he strung me along for two years had not hurt me at all), he claimed that I played with HIS feelings and that I couldn't just randomly make the decision that he should break up with his gf and we should be together bc "that isn't how this works" (as if he could not understand that by being the one who cared more, I had NO power to make ANY decision but to leave. I wanted to be with him, but I did not have the ability to make that decision), he claimed he "never said I would break up with my girlfriend," as if the things he had been saying for two years gave me no impression that he wanted to be with me, that he might leave her for me; as if he never gave me any hope for the future through his future-faking and empty promises that he actually cared about me and wanted to be with me; nevermind the fact that he actually told me plenty of times he would break up with her for me and even told me at one point that he HAD broken up with her, begging me to visit him, saying how much he missed me, only to get back together with her three days later.

 

In addition to all of his bull**** claims and accusations the last time we talked, I am sure he threw me under the bus when his girlfriend eventually found out (I confessed to my boyfriend and he told the OM's girlfriend). I can't even imagine the horrible things he must have said about me. He proposed to her three months later, which further solidifies in my mind that he was using me and never actually cared for me. To go from "wanting to forget everything and elope with you" to forgetting about me and marrying the girl he was cheating on for two years in only three short months after the end of our affair is something I just cannot wrap my brain around in any other way than to accept that I never meant anything to him. Everything he has said and done since I wrote that NC letter has shown me that this is the way it always was.

 

After all of it, I am left with extreme anger and hurt. I am angry at myself for ever letting myself get absorbed in the whole thing, for believing that he was actually my friend, for believing all his lies and trusting him, for ignoring the red flags. I am angry at myself for turning my back on my boyfriend, someone who has only ever treated me with respect and love. I am angry at myself for becoming someone I never thought I would be. And I probably won't forgive myself for as long as I live.

 

Although I accept my responsibility, and I acknowledge I should never have gotten involved in the first place, I am also incredibly angry at the OM. I am angry at him for pursuing me, for leading me on, for stringing me along and playing with my emotions, for allowing this to continue if he never had the intention of breaking up with his girlfriend, for convincing me that he was actually my friend, for turning everything back around on me and accusing me of being the one to play with HIS feelings the last time we talked, for making me feel like a goddamned fool when he claimed that "I never said I would break up with her" (as if I were some sort of crazy person who just imagined the whole thing in my head), for always being the one to contact me and tell me how much he missed me anytime I told him I couldn't do it anymore and tried to break it off, for pulling me back in all for his own ego boost each time I drifted away, and most of all, for using me, for treating me like his little plaything, for whatever made HIM happy, whenever HE wanted, and not caring about my feelings, not even once. After treating me like garbage, I am angry that he got everything he wanted. He got exactly what he wanted from me: sex, and nothing more. He got to stay with his girlfriend, and live happily ever after, just the way he wanted.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am 100x happier and in a much better place now that I am out of the fog and can see him for who he truly is. And I know it sounds petty, and immature, and callous, but the anger is the one thing that keeps me even thinking about the affair and preventing me from truly recovering. I want to erase the whole thing from my mind. I want to not think about it anymore. And I want to stop feeling so angry, so used, and so much like the piece of garbage he treated me as. I have been in IC since the middle of the affair, and I have been on antidepressants for just as long, and it has helped tremendously, but the anger is something I have not yet learned to get past yet. I guess I don't have any real advice to offer you, only to say that I understand 100% where you are coming from and sympathize with the way you're feeling. Please feel free to message me if you ever need to talk. I wish you well and hope you find your peace soon.

[sunburned]

I know it can blow up anytime. But for me, id rather live in that fear, then to confess to something that may never get exposed.

 

I cannot possibly be the only one that has never confessed.

 

I didn't, Nikki. I would never argue I did the right thing by my husband. I did the right thing for myself, which had the added benefit of him not being hurt. I must acknowledge the more honorable thing would be to tell.

 

But when I went no contact, I stayed NC and have remained so for almost two years. I don't long, I don't pine, I don't miss him. We didn't have sex. It was an EA with some kissing. Maybe I'm "lucky" b/c I was not in love with MM and my A was fairly short. Time worked as a salve for the sudden shock of ending a 10-year friendship that buoyed my ego for several months.

 

I live with the guilt every day. It would be overly dramatic to say I live in fear of being discovered, but it's certainly on the back burner and causes discomfort. Obviously, I have no right to suggest you confess. My only thinking is that doing so might prevent you from having another A. You seem very susceptible to me.

[Adoraxx]

Nikki,

 

As I read your post, I feel like I could have written it myself. I can relate to everything you are feeling and truly sympathize with you. I too am dealing with nearly-crippling anger, toward both myself and the OM, since the end of the affair.

 

It has been just over a year since my D-day. The AP and I had been seeing each other for two years prior to that and had been friends (or so I thought) for a year before that even. He was very much the aggressor in the affair, pursuing me from the beginning, even when I was perfectly happy in my long-term relationship and told him he was crazy for ever thinking we would be together. He is a serial cheater, and I am convinced that he has done this before and he probably knew from experience that if he just told me day in and day out how much he was in love with me, that I would eventually have feelings for him too. Of course, I fell head over heels for his game, and I wonder how many other women in his past have too. I thought I was in love. I wanted to be with him and I hung on to his empty promises for far too long. After years of the ups and downs of the affair, the hot and cold, him showering me with attention and compliments one week then disappearing the next, him telling me how much he cared about me one day, and then saying he couldn't break up with his girlfriend the next, talking about all the things we would do together in the future and then never following through, sexting me one day and going on vacation with his girlfriend the next, I reached my breaking point. I couldn't allow myself to be used, abused, and disrespected that way anymore. I was an emotional wreck, but I finally acknowledged to myself what I had been avoiding all along: that he WAS using me, that he DIDN'T care about me the way he said he did, that he wasn't even a very good friend to me, that I WAS just an ego boost to him, and that I needed to cut him out of my life forever or I would never feel better, I would never get out of the fog. I wrote him a no contact letter with every intention of never speaking to him again. I mourned the end of the affair in quiet desperation for three weeks before I caved in and contacted him.

 

The things he said and the way he treated me that last time we spoke only served to solidify all my suspicions that he was using me and only really cared for himself. He exclaimed how hurt he was that I didn't want to be friends anymore (We were MORE than friends and he would have continued the affair indefinitely if I had not ended it), he claimed that he "respected my decision" when I sent the NC letter by not contacting me after that (he did contact me a week after I sent it, asking me incredulously why I blocked him from Facebook, as if he could not understand how I could not be friends with him anymore), he claimed that the fact I wrote the NC letter and accused him of hurting me was "so mean and rude" of me and that it had "totally turned him away from me" (as if the way he strung me along for two years had not hurt me at all), he claimed that I played with HIS feelings and that I couldn't just randomly make the decision that he should break up with his gf and we should be together bc "that isn't how this works" (as if he could not understand that by being the one who cared more, I had NO power to make ANY decision but to leave. I wanted to be with him, but I did not have the ability to make that decision), he claimed he "never said I would break up with my girlfriend," as if the things he had been saying for two years gave me no impression that he wanted to be with me, that he might leave her for me; as if he never gave me any hope for the future through his future-faking and empty promises that he actually cared about me and wanted to be with me; nevermind the fact that he actually told me plenty of times he would break up with her for me and even told me at one point that he HAD broken up with her, begging me to visit him, saying how much he missed me, only to get back together with her three days later.

 

In addition to all of his bull**** claims and accusations the last time we talked, I am sure he threw me under the bus when his girlfriend eventually found out (I confessed to my boyfriend and he told the OM's girlfriend). I can't even imagine the horrible things he must have said about me. He proposed to her three months later, which further solidifies in my mind that he was using me and never actually cared for me. To go from "wanting to forget everything and elope with you" to forgetting about me and marrying the girl he was cheating on for two years in only three short months after the end of our affair is something I just cannot wrap my brain around in any other way than to accept that I never meant anything to him. Everything he has said and done since I wrote that NC letter has shown me that this is the way it always was.

 

After all of it, I am left with extreme anger and hurt. I am angry at myself for ever letting myself get absorbed in the whole thing, for believing that he was actually my friend, for believing all his lies and trusting him, for ignoring the red flags. I am angry at myself for turning my back on my boyfriend, someone who has only ever treated me with respect and love. I am angry at myself for becoming someone I never thought I would be. And I probably won't forgive myself for as long as I live.

 

Although I accept my responsibility, and I acknowledge I should never have gotten involved in the first place, I am also incredibly angry at the OM. I am angry at him for pursuing me, for leading me on, for stringing me along and playing with my emotions, for allowing this to continue if he never had the intention of breaking up with his girlfriend, for convincing me that he was actually my friend, for turning everything back around on me and accusing me of being the one to play with HIS feelings the last time we talked, for making me feel like a goddamned fool when he claimed that "I never said I would break up with her" (as if I were some sort of crazy person who just imagined the whole thing in my head), for always being the one to contact me and tell me how much he missed me anytime I told him I couldn't do it anymore and tried to break it off, for pulling me back in all for his own ego boost each time I drifted away, and most of all, for using me, for treating me like his little plaything, for whatever made HIM happy, whenever HE wanted, and not caring about my feelings, not even once. After treating me like garbage, I am angry that he got everything he wanted. He got exactly what he wanted from me: sex, and nothing more. He got to stay with his girlfriend, and live happily ever after, just the way he wanted.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am 100x happier and in a much better place now that I am out of the fog and can see him for who he truly is. And I know it sounds petty, and immature, and callous, but the anger is the one thing that keeps me even thinking about the affair and preventing me from truly recovering. I want to erase the whole thing from my mind. I want to not think about it anymore. And I want to stop feeling so angry, so used, and so much like the piece of garbage he treated me as. I have been in IC since the middle of the affair, and I have been on antidepressants for just as long, and it has helped tremendously, but the anger is something I have not yet learned to get past yet. I guess I don't have any real advice to offer you, only to say that I understand 100% where you are coming from and sympathize with the way you're feeling. Please feel free to message me if you ever need to talk. I wish you well and hope you find your peace soon.

 

Great post, Paenitentiae, you described it very well and that's how it was for me too!

 

And to Nikki... I totally understand where you're coming from and I understand your anger so MUCH!! These MM's simply walk away without a care in the world and don't even bother to think about it/ us for one minute longer unless it's convenient for them