steve19951 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 A woman I have been dating on and off for a few years sat down with me a few months ago and told me that she wanted our relationship to take the next step. We're both about 40, want to settle down and have kids, and really click when we're together. Over time, we have each dated other people, but when we reconnect, it's like no time has past. It feels natural and right. The flaw is that both of us are so independent that we don't make time for each other and so introspective that we don't always say what we need. Then her father got sick with cancer and spiraled quickly. She and I regularly talked through aspects of his care, as my father had the same condition, and I knew enough of the ropes to be able to share. We were open about the hopes, dreams, and fears that were on the line. Her father declined quickly, and she didn't tell me of his death until three days after it happened. When she did, it was in a group e-mail, of which I was one of a hundred recipients. When the funeral came, she expressed no desire to sit with me, and she didn't include me in the service the way a significant other might. Countless others made it into the procession, and I was never asked, as one example. I am happy to give her the space she needs. Everyone, and I know from experience, grieves in their own way. I certainly don't want to make her father's death be about me, when it isn't. But it also is a litmus test: in the most important event of her life to that moment, she didn't include me. If she really thinks of me as a prospective spouse, I would think she'd have wanted me there. Instead, I got a back row pew at her father's funeral, when I probably knew him as well as any non-family member. No calls from her, nothing. Does this episode suggest that we aren't going to work as a couple? Am I looking at it selfishly? What should she have done? Is it unfair to judge the actions of someone during times of grief? I know if our positions were reversed, I would have wanted her there, and the fact that she shut me out has made me re-evaluate the relationship. If someone doesn't want you there in their biggest time of need, when will they? People do strange things under pressure, but no married couple would ever have the distance and dismissiveness that I received from her during this time. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 That is definitely atypical and cause for further questioning. The questions that immediately come to my mind are - - What does she want you for then??? and also - does she treat you this dismissively in other significant aspects of her life?? What do you think the answers to those questions are? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Wait, scratch my last reply. Is she or is she not still planning on marrying this other guy that she was posting on Facebook and having bachelorette parties for a mere 3 weeks ago???? Now my questions are - is this some kind of joke?? and, Are you crazy???? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 ^^^ Agreed At the beginning of this month, she was two weeks away from her marriage. Is she thinking of becoming a bigamist??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Steve I'm going to lay aside the other responder's points about her being engaged to someone else. If that is the case, it explains a lot. However, in my case when my EX-BF's mom got the diagnosis, I became one of her primary care givers. His parents moved in with us. She & I talked about a lot. I was there with my BF & his whole family every step of the way. I helped make funeral arrangements & picked out the dress she was buried in. The day of the funeral my BF tells me I won't be in the limo & I'm not to sit with them at church because I'm not family. He & I had been living together for 5 years. I was heartbroken but couldn't make it about me. I drove my car alone. I sat in the last row of church by myself. I stood alone at the back of group of mourners at the cemetery. At the repast I sat at a table in the back with a group of my BF's friends. While I was sitting there, telling anybody who asked why I wasn't with the family that I wanted to give them space, my BF's father comes up to me & asks where I have been all morning. Remember this was the funeral for his wife of almost 50 years. I explained that I was here the whole time but doing what his son asked staying away from the family. The father said "My son is a moron. You should have been with us all day. My wife loved you like a daughter even though our son is so stupid he hasn't yet asked you to marry him & make it official." The dad held out his hand to me & walked me over to the head table to sit for lunch. My BF came over & demanded I leave but his father told him to stop being an ass. That day destroyed our relationship. I was never the same. It made me realize that I would never be good enough for my then BF. It took me years to act on that knowledge because I loved him so much despite how horribly he treated me but I still resent him for it, to this day. So learn from my experience. If in light of her father's death she is not bringing you closer & she is publicly shutting you out, there is not hope for a happy marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 i guess this is a potentially serious issue, for both of you, since you do not want to be "good enough to sleep with...but not good enough to be seen with". If THAT is what you fear, then yeah you do not want these *******s in your life. some men are just dicks. you can try to reform them, but fundamentally they are damaged goods. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts