sportygirl89 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I've essentially been single this whole year. For fall semester I felt like I wanted to see people. Yet in January when I started school I didn't want anything. Probably honestly won't until I secure a job this next year with my grad program. I've noticed I've gotten more attention from guys. It's like you can't win. When you aren't looking people flock to you. When you are, people don't. Another thing what is it with people who bounce into the next relationship immediately after a relationship has ended, then after that ends they jump into another. I think I just like my independence. It's been two years since my last relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Nice blog post. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Not for me. If I want love of any kind, I have to aggressively go after it, gear up for rejection, and hope to get lucky. If I sat back and waited for it to come to me, I'd die without having sex again, 100% guaranteed. Which I have accepted. I think that's part of the reason for the huge divide and bickering at this forum. People expect that dating is the same for everyone as it is for them and cannot see how it is for other people. It's good that you're doing well though. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 that's why it often feels like a god damn paradox, a catch-22, damned if you do, damned if you don't, is how to be assertive and avoid coming across as needy, clingy, desperate. OP, it's obviously different for you since you are a girl, because you are typically on the receiving end of sexual attention, dating requests. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Accepting that either gender can give and receive 'attention', which I don't construe as asking out on dates, my personal experience over the last five years since getting divorced runs counter to the assertion. Other than a couple MW's playing, it's been essentially the black of space. The last time I tried that idea out, it was long before the internet and forums like this where such ideas are discussed, probably 1986-90. Pretty much same results. For myself, when I stop 'looking', the interactions of the dating and mating kind stop as well, today, or a generation ago. YMMV! Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Accepting that either gender can give and receive 'attention', which I don't construe as asking out on dates, my personal experience over the last five years since getting divorced runs counter to the assertion. Other than a couple MW's playing, it's been essentially the black of space. The last time I tried that idea out, it was long before the internet and forums like this where such ideas are discussed, probably 1986-90. Pretty much same results. For myself, when I stop 'looking', the interactions of the dating and mating kind stop as well, today, or a generation ago. YMMV! well maybe this will refresh your memory, I got this from a forum guy somewhere else: "C'mon...women will never, ever, ever, ever and ever approach a guy! Period! It's not her role to do that despite the progression women have made in society at large; i.e., salary, jobs, positions, women in military, etc...Gentlemen, regardless if a woman is a CEO of company, a government official, 5 star General, department head in a company, women are still women. You can't change that. It's your inner strength, your character, your personality. It's demonstrating you have high value, are self-amused, your value doesn't come from women but from your own life!" Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I didn't write it but it certainly describes the women of my generation and demographic who were generally at the front end of the equal opportunity political movement. I instinctively, from early interactions, understood that if a man wanted to have any romance in his life, it was incumbent upon him to take all actions to ensure that and to not expect any assistance from the fairer gender, regardless of their strides in social politics and the workplace. Dating and mating was still dating and mating and the man was the pursuer. The experience the OP relates can be true for anyone, with emphasis on 'can', and I certainly have heard it over the decades from, wait for it, female friends, e.g. the love of their life entered when they were least expecting or looking for it. For him, he had to enter. That's what men do. Link to post Share on other sites
Bobbi7 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I use to think that, but...I haven't looked for 33 years and still no guy comes near me...so, I aggressively have to "look" aka dating sites. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I didn't write it but it certainly describes the women of my generation and demographic who were generally at the front end of the equal opportunity political movement. I instinctively, from early interactions, understood that if a man wanted to have any romance in his life, it was incumbent upon him to take all actions to ensure that and to not expect any assistance from the fairer gender, regardless of their strides in social politics and the workplace. Dating and mating was still dating and mating and the man was the pursuer. The experience the OP relates can be true for anyone, with emphasis on 'can', and I certainly have heard it over the decades from, wait for it, female friends, e.g. the love of their life entered when they were least expecting or looking for it. For him, he had to enter. That's what men do. why do you think the man has to be the pursuer? what is the logic behind why it is the masculine thing to do? Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 why do you think the man has to be the pursuer? what is the logic behind why it is the masculine thing to do? I don't necessarily agree that only men have to be the aggressor. You have to know that a VAST majority of men lack confidence and HATE rejection. I've had many dates with women that were 7, 8's and 9's.. I met them on dating sites. They ALL had the same bitch.. That guys were wussies and rarely reached out to them to say hello. I also have a very attractive female friend in her early 40's. She joined two different dating sites and experienced the same thing. She was so pissed that guys were not reaching out to her to say hello. She went on the offensive and reached out to guys that she found attractive. So, understand, even if you see a hot women, it doesn't mean she's being smothered with adulation and attention 24/7 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Not true for me. Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I don't necessarily agree that only men have to be the aggressor. You have to know that a VAST majority of men lack confidence and HATE rejection. I've had many dates with women that were 7, 8's and 9's.. I met them on dating sites. They ALL had the same bitch.. That guys were wussies and rarely reached out to them to say hello. I also have a very attractive female friend in her early 40's. She joined two different dating sites and experienced the same thing. She was so pissed that guys were not reaching out to her to say hello. She went on the offensive and reached out to guys that she found attractive. So, understand, even if you see a hot women, it doesn't mean she's being smothered with adulation and attention 24/7 Seriously, it angers me, pisses me off whenever women think of men as wusses for not approaching or asking them out first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Another thing what is it with people who bounce into the next relationship immediately after a relationship has ended, then after that ends they jump into another. I think I just like my independence. It's been two years since my last relationship. Ah, missed this..... most common reason I've heard, generally before the bounce, is 'I can't be alone'. Fair enough, in most cases they were right, and weren't. I met very few women like yourself as a young man. Most were already involved with, or substantially entangled with, another man before their marriage or LTR officially ended. Made dating really tough. However, I didn't see the actions in and of themselves to be remarkable because most young ladies I knew got married right out of high school and, indeed, never lived alone. Perhaps that lack of early independent living formed a sort of memory or personality characteristic which drove them to move from one relationship or marriage to another, IDK. In any event, it was commonplace and to a certain degree continues to this day. I have noted the younger women and men, like friend's children or grandchildren, seem to demonstrate more marked periods of independence, whether they're looking or not. More of them also lived independently and alone as young people. Link to post Share on other sites
calvincline47 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I've essentially been single this whole year. For fall semester I felt like I wanted to see people. Yet in January when I started school I didn't want anything. Probably honestly won't until I secure a job this next year with my grad program. I've noticed I've gotten more attention from guys. It's like you can't win. When you aren't looking people flock to you. When you are, people don't. Another thing what is it with people who bounce into the next relationship immediately after a relationship has ended, then after that ends they jump into another. I think I just like my independence. It's been two years since my last relationship. You only get more attention when not looking when you are a woman. Men actually have to put in effort to make things happen. Can't just sit back and have everything come to us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 why do you think the man has to be the pursuer? what is the logic behind why it is the masculine thing to do? Pretty simple. Don't pursue, observe responses and collate those results. Then, observe men who do pursue and collate those results and compare. Then, pursue oneself and observe those results and compare. Most guys of my generation and demographic figured all this out at, oh, age 12 or so. Once the girls sprouted breasts, they were in hot pursuit. It works. Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Pretty simple. Don't pursue, observe responses and collate those results. Then, observe men who do pursue and collate those results and compare. Then, pursue oneself and observe those results and compare. Most guys of my generation and demographic figured all this out at, oh, age 12 or so. Once the girls sprouted breasts, they were in hot pursuit. It works. Well times are different Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 well maybe this will refresh your memory, I got this from a forum guy somewhere else: "C'mon...women will never, ever, ever, ever and ever approach a guy! Period! It's not her role to do that despite the progression women have made in society at large; i.e., salary, jobs, positions, women in military, etc...Gentlemen, regardless if a woman is a CEO of company, a government official, 5 star General, department head in a company, women are still women. You can't change that. Well I definitely don't speak for all women, because there are many that don't, but I have done plenty of approaching in the past, and so have many other women. As far as the notion of finding what you're looking for when you're not looking for it?Sure, it's been known to happen,but... ehh, typically not quite that way for me. I find that I'm really best off if I put in effort to the things I want. I am not entitled to anything, so why would I wait for things to just fall in my lap? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Well times are different If times are different, then your results may be different. The process is the same. If you get more attention from the opposite sex when you stop looking, you do. I never did, as a young man, or now as an older man. Same. I checked, just to be sure because, like you stated, times have changed. Your results may differ. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Well I definitely don't speak for all women, because there are many that don't, but I have done plenty of approaching in the past, and so have many other women. As far as the notion of finding what you're looking for when you're not looking for it?Sure, it's been known to happen,but... ehh, typically not quite that way for me. I find that I'm really best off if I put in effort to the things I want. I am not entitled to anything, so why would I wait for things to just fall in my lap? well god bless you Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I guess we should be telling the millions of people on online dating sites this? LOL Actually, you need to take some kind of action, esp. as a man, to achieve any real results. Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Well I definitely don't speak for all women, because there are many that don't, but I have done plenty of approaching in the past, and so have many other women. As far as the notion of finding what you're looking for when you're not looking for it?Sure, it's been known to happen,but... ehh, typically not quite that way for me. I find that I'm really best off if I put in effort to the things I want. I am not entitled to anything, so why would I wait for things to just fall in my lap? I too have done a lot of approaching in my days but I found my guy without looking, and he wasn't looking for anyone either. It just kind of happened, but it's not because either one of us feels entitled to anything, more like exceptionally lucky to be at the right place at the right time, and being open to anything. A divorced guy with primary custody of 2 teenagers wasn't exactly at the top of my list before I met him but now I wouldn't have it any other way. I spent a year away from dating after my last LTR broke down to find my bearings again and absolutely hated being approached during that time, then dated a few guys (no online dating sites though) and it was mostly guys I approached myself because I don't really feel comfortable being approached anyway. I haven't noticed any difference in the attention I get when I'm looking vs. when I'm not looking; seemed equal to me. The main difference is probably to do with my state of mind or the kind of vibes I give off. Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I too have done a lot of approaching in my days but I found my guy without looking, and he wasn't looking for anyone either. It just kind of happened, but it's not because either one of us feels entitled to anything, more like exceptionally lucky to be at the right place at the right time, and being open to anything. A divorced guy with primary custody of 2 teenagers wasn't exactly at the top of my list before I met him but now I wouldn't have it any other way. I spent a year away from dating after my last LTR broke down to find my bearings again and absolutely hated being approached during that time, then dated a few guys (no online dating sites though) and it was mostly guys I approached myself because I don't really feel comfortable being approached anyway. I haven't noticed any difference in the attention I get when I'm looking vs. when I'm not looking; seemed equal to me. The main difference is probably to do with my state of mind or the kind of vibes I give off. so you approached your current guy first? Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 (edited) so you approached your current guy first? We met at a mutual friend's housewarming party. I noticed him as soon as I came in. I walked straight to him, said hi and asked him how he knew our friend, we got chatting and our friend came over and introduced us to each other more formally as 'the only two singles in the room', which helped a lot because I didn't have to ask him myself . I used to get cold approached a fair bit in my 20s and never really enjoyed it. I just find it easier and more natural doing the approaching myself, and I've mostly had positive responses out of it. Don't think it matters much whether or not you're looking when you've found someone you like, I don't think. All to do with your state of mind, IMO. Edited May 22, 2015 by PrettyEmily77 Link to post Share on other sites
whirl3daway Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 I quite like approaching men myself, it throws them for a loop and flusters them which I find cute. I often send the "first message" on dating sites, and have no qualms about that sort of thing. HOWEVER, I have noticed several men on loveshack saying that they actually dislike when a woman cold approaches them, as it makes a woman seem insecure or desperate and that makes them think something is wrong with her. It's sort of a double edged sword... clearly not all men think this way, but enough do. So if you are annoyed by the fact that fewer women approach... consider that there are men out there who might be influencing that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 HOWEVER, I have noticed several men on loveshack saying that they actually dislike when a woman cold approaches them, as it makes a woman seem insecure or desperate and that makes them think something is wrong with her. Men who get approached cold are almost always quite good looking and have several options and are taken. So, COLD approach might not be the best idea, but approaching men in general is almost a no-lose proposition for women in my mind. Judging from my personal life and observations, when women hit on men, they are so un-used to it, they often do weird stuff. A really handsome friend of mine used to get text messages from women he had just met along the lines of "Don't think I'm strange, but I just had to see if I could have the chance to get to know you." AND he had a serious GF he was living with at the time. That woman was in her late 20s at least. If women took the regular approach of talking to men they liked for a while and then asking them for coffee or a drink, the success rate would be through the roof. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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