moved and lost her

[JC3693]

I am at a loss right now. I (i am 30) met my ex (who is 32) on match.com. We hit it off immediately. Our feelings became very strong very fast. 2 weeks after we met I received military orders to transfer to California. We discussed whether to keep dating or end it there and decided to date and see where we were when that time came. During the next 6 months we practically lived together. if she didnt have her kids (which she lived at her moms since her Ex stayed in the house) then she was at my apartment. if she did have the kids then i was over there to still spend time with her. She introduced me to her children because she said that she wanted the kids to know who i was so that they didnt wonder later who mom was going to see. She would leave work and come straight to my apartment and leave the next morning to go to work. The time came when I had to move and it was extremely sad for both of us. We called and text all day long after i left and 2 weeks after i got to Cali she flew out here for a 3 day weekend to see me. We had a blast. It felt like everything was right in the universe and it was then that i saw the large potential of marrying her and seeing a long future with her. We continued to talk and text for the next week and I ended up surprising her (after she asked when I was going to come see her) with a trip out for me to come there for memorial day. She was excited. The next week went on and then she started being extremely busy and we didn’t talk very much. At the end of the week I called her and said that it wasn’t right to not talk to me. She told me that it had been crazy and if she had the kids she would fall asleep with them and if she didn’t have the kids she was going out with her friends. I told her that she still need to make time for me. Her response was "what was she suppose to do? sit around and be depressed because i wasn’t there?" I replied asking her "what she thought i was doing? I was sitting around waiting to talk to her." We eventually hung up and she called me back 10 minutes later and apologized. She said that she was going out with her friend to try and keep her mind off of me and not be depressed. She said that the long distance was really hard and I agreed. I suggested that in 2 1/2 years that i get out of the military and come back to Texas. It took her a second but she said "wait.... What? no your no doing that." I replied with "well what if you moved out here?" her response was "Jon, you know i can’t. I have the kids." for the next 3 weeks it was the same thing. She wasn’t making time for me and if she did answer a phone call she gave an excuse that she was doing something and would call me back. She never did. I eventually got her to tell me that she had a lot going on and that she would call me when she could but of course she never did. This past weekend a (a weekend before I was suppose to fly out there I sent her a text since she wouldn’t answer my calls that if I didn’t hear anything from her by Monday that I assumed it was over. She replied the next day saying that the long distance wasn’t going to work bc she wasn’t going to move out here and take the kids away from their dad and I wasn’t able to move back there so with wasn’t going to work. It was literally as if a light switch flipped. She said she couldn’t handle it because she had a bad couple of weeks and I wasn’t there to hold her, have her come over and relax on the couch and physically be there. She said that she couldn’t handle a relationship with a voice bc she needed me to hold her. Im so lost because I don’t get how she can say and act in the manner that she loves me but think its just going to be better not being with me anymore. We have been broken up for only three days but im so heartbroken and cry myself to sleep. Please help me understand how she can justify the kids father as a reason not to continue a relationship and that if will be together at all. All I want is her here with me but she is using the kids dad and me not being there every second of every day as a crutch/excuse. It is the first time (and I have dated other woman since my own divorce) that I feel like I truly found the one I was supposed to be with. What do I do to feel better? Will she ever realize that she is running away from what she wants (at least that what her actions and words showed me when I was living in Texas) and want to come back to me? What do I do in a brand new state (all by myself) to not be thinking about her all the time? Im trying not to have any communication with her but its so hard and all I want to do is call her. All I want is her back and for her eventually to move here with me.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, a gentle suggestion - try breaking up your post into paragraphs. It will make it more readable, thus gaining more feedback.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I have a question - is she divorced/separated, or? If so, for how long?I think she realized she's not cut out for LDR. She did the right thing by letting you go. Perhaps it was too soon; perhaps someone else came into the picture; perhaps she is just being honest that she won't be satisfied having a relationship over so much distance. Unforunately, you knew this was a possibility. She didn't make you any promises about continuing the relationship. In your own words, you two agreed to wait and see where things went. It's hard, but she realizes that it's not for her.

 

Having said that, I take exception to one thing you said. She is not using the kids as an excuse. I'm sorry, but I feel she has every right to not want to take them away from their father. That is totally understandable from her side. You are not the priority in that scenario; her children are and always will be. She recognizes its in their best interest to have both parents in their lives. You don't get a say in that, and she doesn't want to make false promises by leading you to believe that you do.

[LoveAnimals]

OP I am very sorry for what you are going through. I do believe that she did the right thing. I am in a LDR myself right now after 5 years of being together and I realize that it very often does not work. Talking/skyping is NOT the same as having someone there in person unfortunately so I can see where she is coming from. I often find myself "reminding" myself that I have a boyfriend its so difficult I know how she feels. Anyway, I dont think that your ex is using the kids father as an excuse. The reality is that moving and separating your children from one of their parents is a huge disfavor. I can tell you dont have children if you dont realize that. Like the previous poster mentioned she is a mother and her primary priorities lie in what is best for her children. I also believe that the reason she doesnt want you to move to Texas is because she realizes that your career is in the military and perhaps she doesnt see it as realistic that you quit and move for (lets be realistic) a relationship that may or may not work out.

 

From what you wrote I do believe this woman cared for you but she is just being realistic and realizing its not going to work out. As hard as that sounds, she is distancing herself from you in order to allow herself to move on. Im sorry I know its not what you wanted to hear but its what I gathered from your post. Best of luck OP.

Edited May 22, 2015 by LoveAnimals

[JC3693]

OP I am very sorry for what you are going through. I do believe that she did the right thing. I am in a LDR myself right now after 5 years of being together and I realize that it very often does not work. Talking/skyping is NOT the same as having someone there in person unfortunately so I can see where she is coming from. I often find myself "reminding" myself that I have a boyfriend its so difficult I know how she feels. Anyway, I dont think that your ex is using the kids father as an excuse. The reality is that moving and separating your children from one of their parents is a huge disfavor. I can tell you dont have children if you dont realize that. Like the previous poster mentioned she is a mother and her primary priorities lie in what is best for her children. I also believe that the reason she doesnt want you to move to Texas is because she realizes that your career is in the military and perhaps she doesnt see it as realistic that you quit and move for (lets be realistic) a relationship that may or may not work out.

 

From what you wrote I do believe this woman cared for you but she is just being realistic and realizing its not going to work out. As hard as that sounds, she is distancing herself from you in order to allow herself to move on. Im sorry I know its not what you wanted to hear but its what I gathered from your post. Best of luck OP.

 

 

I actually do have kids. two girls. but i am away from them. Its not as if my ex followed me around so that i was able to have my kids around.

 

there is an update though. She text me this morning after seeing a female friend in san diego post two pics of me being "happy" playing pool. her text this morning was "im guessing your seeing someone. that didnt take long"... i didnt respond and 3 hours later she said "your silence says everything"... after some advice i replied 2 hours later "sorry I have been slammed at work...no, why?" she never responded. so i sent another message saying "um ok... well i think its really weird that you send me a message like that.its a little bit mean to be honest and out of nowhere. Guess your going to ignore my text and me. idk y u would think im dating someone right now or how u think i even could knowing how i felt but, again to answer your question, no. im guessing you have started dating if your going to accuse me of something like that and then ignore me."

 

her response was "what the ****? youre just going to pull that out of your ass that im dating someone? I saw pictures on Facebook that a female posted of you and you looked quite happy, so i figured i would ask"... i was shocked she blew up like that and replied "wowowow" then she said "i cant talk, im trying to get ready to go out of town" (decided to go out fo town for a float trip on the river after she broke up with me and i was orginally suppose to go out there). my reply was that its a friends frined that took me out with her bf so i wasnt sitting in the house.and that wasnt asking.... it was accusing. thanks though... was an awesome insult to my character,bowing up on me and a good way to treat me like crap when i didnt do anything". the even more strange part is an hour later she liked a pic i posted of my roommates son and i. so confused.

 

i get that shes wants the kids around their father but im not around mine and they still love me. she is seperated from their father but were on and off for 14 years. she had been seperated from him for 8 months when she met me.. to answer the first reply

[LoveAnimals]

I actually do have kids. two girls. but i am away from them. Its not as if my ex followed me around so that i was able to have my kids around.

 

there is an update though. She text me this morning after seeing a female friend in san diego post two pics of me being "happy" playing pool. her text this morning was "im guessing your seeing someone. that didnt take long"... i didnt respond and 3 hours later she said "your silence says everything"... after some advice i replied 2 hours later "sorry I have been slammed at work...no, why?" she never responded. so i sent another message saying "um ok... well i think its really weird that you send me a message like that.its a little bit mean to be honest and out of nowhere. Guess your going to ignore my text and me. idk y u would think im dating someone right now or how u think i even could knowing how i felt but, again to answer your question, no. im guessing you have started dating if your going to accuse me of something like that and then ignore me."

 

her response was "what the ****? youre just going to pull that out of your ass that im dating someone? I saw pictures on Facebook that a female posted of you and you looked quite happy, so i figured i would ask"... i was shocked she blew up like that and replied "wowowow" then she said "i cant talk, im trying to get ready to go out of town" (decided to go out fo town for a float trip on the river after she broke up with me and i was orginally suppose to go out there). my reply was that its a friends frined that took me out with her bf so i wasnt sitting in the house.and that wasnt asking.... it was accusing. thanks though... was an awesome insult to my character,bowing up on me and a good way to treat me like crap when i didnt do anything". the even more strange part is an hour later she liked a pic i posted of my roommates son and i. so confused.

 

i get that shes wants the kids around their father but im not around mine and they still love me. she is seperated from their father but were on and off for 14 years. she had been seperated from him for 8 months when she met me.. to answer the first reply

 

Well from what you wrote it sounds as if she is jealous to be honest. Its actually a sort of childish way for her to act considering that she broke it off with you. I think it hurt her to see you on Facebook seemingly having a good time with a female friend. I think you should straight up tell her that if she doesnt think it will work out, than she need NOT be concerned with whether or not you found someone else. She sounds like those kids that give up a toy but when another kid gets it they want it back. OP she made it clear she wont move for whatever reason so at this point I think she needs to make up her mind already or you move on and find someone else.

[JC3693]

I feel that it is childish as well. She is 32 and shouldnt be ignoring me when Im trying to talk to her. I understand that she was extremely depressed that I wasnt there but ending the relationship because of it doesnt make any logical sense. How does no contact with the person that you care about and ending the relationship make it better for that person? not to mention knowing i was flying there to be with her for the memorial day weekend and not talking with me right is someones mind? yet she still checks my face book at least once a day (have an app that tells me who goes to my profile). All i want to do is understand why she would say screw the relationship when we never fought, argued, and pretty much lived together when i was in Texas. why get jealous thinking i started dating when you had me and could still have me? All she would have to do is call.. why would she care if she's the one who kicked me to the curb? why do I not want to date or see any attractive woman anywhere around me? why cant i just let it and her go and not constantly have her on my mind?????????

[ExpatInItaly]

I feel that it is childish as well. She is 32 and shouldnt be ignoring me when Im trying to talk to her. I understand that she was extremely depressed that I wasnt there but ending the relationship because of it doesnt make any logical sense. How does no contact with the person that you care about and ending the relationship make it better for that person? not to mention knowing i was flying there to be with her for the memorial day weekend and not talking with me right is someones mind? yet she still checks my face book at least once a day (have an app that tells me who goes to my profile). All i want to do is understand why she would say screw the relationship when we never fought, argued, and pretty much lived together when i was in Texas. why get jealous thinking i started dating when you had me and could still have me? All she would have to do is call.. why would she care if she's the one who kicked me to the curb? why do I not want to date or see any attractive woman anywhere around me? why cant i just let it and her go and not constantly have her on my mind?????????

 

Maybe she's got her eye on someone else. But she still doesn't want to see you moving on. Totally illogical but it happens all the time. In the end, it doesn't matter. She doesn't want this relationship anymore and you will probably never get the answers you're looking for. Sad fact of breaking up.

 

And do yourself a favour and delete this app. They're phony and don't give you accurate information. Hopefully you didn't pay for it.

[JC3693]

Maybe she's got her eye on someone else. But she still doesn't want to see you moving on. Totally illogical but it happens all the time. In the end, it doesn't matter. She doesn't want this relationship anymore and you will probably never get the answers you're looking for. Sad fact of breaking up.

 

And do yourself a favour and delete this app. They're phony and don't give you accurate information. Hopefully you didn't pay for it.

 

 

so i dont know if she has her eye on someone else but there have been some weird developments. She has been texting me randomly. The most recent was telling me that she "wished i live there (texas)." it was randomly and we had not been texting before that. We then got into a conversation about my exwife knowing i was dating her and she was all talkative. in the past when we were together she was interested in how that would go but it happened when she wasnt talking to me and i ddint get to really tell her about it.

 

The strangest thing within the text and what throws me of is that se saw that i am flying into town to visit friends in about two weeks and she asked me in the middle of our text conversation if I "wanted to try going on a date when i was in town" i said thats fine but i dont get whey she would ask that.

 

Its weird though bc she has been going to the gym and i have noticed that she friended 2 guys that work out and no association to other friends. makes me feel bad bc i know these guys are hitting on her at the gym but its like "you asked me out on a date when i come into town but then are friending these random guys... what should i do? i know shes not doing it to mess with me but its just still weird seeing.

[ExpatInItaly]

so i dont know if she has her eye on someone else but there have been some weird developments. She has been texting me randomly. The most recent was telling me that she "wished i live there (texas)." it was randomly and we had not been texting before that. We then got into a conversation about my exwife knowing i was dating her and she was all talkative. in the past when we were together she was interested in how that would go but it happened when she wasnt talking to me and i ddint get to really tell her about it.

 

The strangest thing within the text and what throws me of is that se saw that i am flying into town to visit friends in about two weeks and she asked me in the middle of our text conversation if I "wanted to try going on a date when i was in town" i said thats fine but i dont get whey she would ask that.

 

Its weird though bc she has been going to the gym and i have noticed that she friended 2 guys that work out and no association to other friends. makes me feel bad bc i know these guys are hitting on her at the gym but its like "you asked me out on a date when i come into town but then are friending these random guys... what should i do? i know shes not doing it to mess with me but its just still weird seeing.

 

You should block/delete her from social media and move on. She's toying with you. Asking you for a date when she broke up with you indicates she has no idea what she wants but sees you as Plan B. Show her that you're not willing to be the FallBack Boy because right now she's getting the message that this role is okay for you. If you don't want her to think that, stop chatting with her and certainly don't agree to a date. Tell her that if she wants to date you again, she needs to make a commitment. Otherwise, you'll just be one option among others.