A different kind of "tell or not" quandry

[AngeliqueC]

I'm a pretty private, closed mouthed person. I am not the one to make a mountain out of a molehill. MM is the talkative one, and he's a bit on the hypochondriatic side, plus he is generally pessimistic. I've been selective over the years when discussing my health issues with him. I did explain to him, in very frank terms, some of the physical aspects of the difficulty I was having with peri-menopausal problems (excessive cramping, clotting and bleeding, both vaginally and rectally) before we left on our last trip, because I wanted him to be aware that I might not be up to a lot of activity - walking, shopping, etc. He was okay with it, and when we returned from the trip, I had an endometrial biopsy done, based on results from an ultrasound a few weeks earlier.

 

Long story short, that was six weeks ago and yesterday, I was back in the docs office. He apologized for having not gotten enough tissue to test (it had been extremely painful for me) Given 3 options - hysterectomy & test the removed tissue; 90 days of hormones & a second ultrasound; labor inducing drug to soften cervix and try for another tissue sample vaginally. I chose the hormones; not sure if it was the right choice, but we will wait and see. He was putting the c word out there pretty matter of factly. There are some real downsides to the hormones, including increased depression (which I already struggle with). I've only shared some limited information with my mother, and with one FB friend (private messages) who is faced with the same situation. And now here.

 

I don't want to alarm him, and I certainly don't want to appear to be using this mess to manipulate him into anything, so I'm leaning toward not telling him until I have a more definitive diagnosis in three or four months, but on the other hand, how to explain the 2x daily meds and the side effects (depression, weight gain, etc) that may occur? (And, for the record, I haven't told my sons/DILs either.)

[Hope Shimmers]

Why was your doc throwing the 'c' word around if you haven't even had a successful endometrial biopsy yet? Was the 90 days of hormones his recommended strategy?

 

I'm not exactly sure what you are asking - whether you should tell MM? I wouldn't worry about explaining side effects that haven't even occurred yet, but you might want to tell him what you are going through just for emotional support. Sorry if I'm missing the real question here.

[AngeliqueC]

Nah, Hope. You got it right. I don't know whether or not to tell him. I don't want him worrying. The doc said that given the thickness of the endometrial lining, my symptoms and past history of very light periods (18 to 36 hours) with zero cramping or clots was the reason for the biopsy. At this point, I'm wondering if the doc has told me everything, or if he is just working off a hunch.

[Hope Shimmers]

Nah, Hope. You got it right. I don't know whether or not to tell him. I don't want him worrying. The doc said that given the thickness of the endometrial lining, my symptoms and past history of very light periods (18 to 36 hours) with zero cramping or clots was the reason for the biopsy. At this point, I'm wondering if the doc has told me everything, or if he is just working off a hunch.

 

Doc can't know anything without the biopsy. That lining builds up over time in people with a history of anovulation for an extended period (sounds like what you describe) and it CAN be a precursor for cancer but it's just a risk factor. The thinkened lining alone is an indication for the biopsy. If he knew anything more than that,the 90 day hormone option would have been off the table.

 

I would tell MM.

[GoldieLox]

I think the decision about whether to tell has to come from you alone. Probably not what you want to hear at this point, because this is a potentially life altering situation that you definitely need support on. Having said that, we don't know the dynamics of your relationship with this man, nor are we privy to the depth of your emotional connection to him. I believe the decision has to come from you. We can't gauge his reaction.

 

Having said my two cents, I wish you good luck with what you're going through and hope everything turns out to be okay.

[AngeliqueC]

Okie dokie. I was adopted at birth; the bio family medical history is pretty limited. I don't know any of the paternal side; birth mother, her sister and their mother all had breast cancer, but they were all smokers with diabetes too (which I'm not). So, I'm just a "grab bag" when it comes to what I may be predisposed to health-wise.

 

What you've said here, Hope, eases my mind a great deal. I've been mentally "worst casing" this for a couple of days, and I suppose there really isn't much to be concerned over, in the short term.

 

Really, no need to bother MM with it - he will just worry himself stupid, and that doesn't do anyone any favors.

[velvette]

Its very common especially in the US for doctors to throw the c word around when one of the options they are proposing is hysterectomy.

 

 

This is one of if not the most overperformed for no good reason surgeries around. Its easier for them and in many cases more cost beneficial.

 

 

Since your doctor has put that on the table, my advice would be get a second opinion from a doctor or group that is up to date on and makes use of the widest array of treatment options, including less invasive surgeries than a hysterectomy.

 

 

If surgery is being recommended, your insurance will likely cover a second opinion.

[Hope Shimmers]

Its very common especially in the US for doctors to throw the c word around when one of the options they are proposing is hysterectomy.

 

This is one of if not the most overperformed for no good reason surgeries around. Its easier for them and in many cases more cost beneficial.

 

Yep, US doctors just care about doing the easiest thing and that which makes the most money.

 

None of us here know why the hysterectomy option was presented, so to assume it is inappropriate in this case is a ridiculous generalization.

 

Angelique, I didn't mean to minimize it, because I am sure you will spend the 90 days worrying. If you have a strong emotional relationship with MM, then I see no reason to share it with him, just to get that mental support. I can also understand your point about not wanting him to worry.

[velvette]

Yep, US doctors just care about doing the easiest thing and that which makes the most money.

 

None of us here know why the hysterectomy option was presented, so to assume it is inappropriate in this case is a ridiculous generalization.

 

Angelique, I didn't mean to minimize it, because I am sure you will spend the 90 days worrying. If you have a strong emotional relationship with MM, then I see no reason to share it with him, just to get that mental support. I can also understand your point about not wanting him to worry.

 

Its common knowledge that many hysterectomies are unnecessary. For example, they are routinely trotted out as the solution for fibroids along with a doctor throwing the c word around. A condition that almost never involves cancer and can frequently be resolved via other treatment options up to and including cutting out the fibroid rather than totally removing a uterus which can have long term negative consequences.

 

 

So, despite your emotional response, I stand by my advise to get a second opinion. Nowhere did I say I assumed it was inappropriate.

 

 

Surely, as a physician you are not threatened by second opinons.

[Hope Shimmers]

Its common knowledge that many hysterectomies are unnecessary. For example, they are routinely trotted out as the solution for fibroids along with a doctor throwing the c word around. A condition that almost never involves cancer and can frequently be resolved via other treatment options up to and including cutting out the fibroid rather than totally removing a uterus which can have long term negative consequences.

 

 

So, despite your emotional response, I stand by my advise to get a second opinion. Nowhere did I say I assumed it was inappropriate.

 

 

Surely, as a physician you are not threatened by second opinons.

 

The point was that this is NOT a discussion about whether or not hysterectomies are unnecessary, either in this case or in general, and you don't know my opinion on it since I refuse to engage in that discussion with you because it's completely inappropriate on this thread. Go start a new thread in Rants if you want to debate the topic of unnecessary surgical procedures.

 

This is about a particular member, and her question wasn't what you or anyone else thought about her medical experiences. It had to do with her MM. Nowhere in either of your posts did you even remotely address the intent of the thread.

 

Sorry Angelique!

[velvette]

The point was that this is NOT a discussion about whether or not hysterectomies are unnecessary, either in this case or in general, and you don't know my opinion on it since I refuse to engage in that discussion with you because it's completely inappropriate on this thread. Go start a new thread in Rants if you want to debate the topic of unnecessary surgical procedures.

 

This is about a particular member, and her question wasn't what you or anyone else thought about her medical experiences. It had to do with her MM. Nowhere in either of your posts did you even remotely address the intent of the thread.

 

Sorry Angelique!

 

 

You are totally missing the point. OP said she didn't want to ALARM MM.

 

 

Having the c word thrown at you at the same time surgery is mentioned would be alarming to anyone.

 

 

My advice to OP was not to be alarmed because many OB/GYN's throw the c word out there to push hysterectomies even when there is no remote chance of cancer.

 

 

Definitely on point as to whether she should be alarmed or alarm MM.

 

 

As to the rest I never asked for your opinion or for you to engage in any discussion. I would appreciate it if you concern yourself with where you post and refrain from telling me where to post in the future.

[Gloria_Smellons]

I know it may not mean much, but my thoughts are with you at what must be a scary time.

 

To answer your question, only you can decide. Not what you want to hear I'm sure, but I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here.

 

I experienced a minor health scare quite recently and I came upon this same question. In the end I decided against telling MM. I consider myself a reasonably private person too and tend to internalise a lot of things whilst I deal with them on my own. In my case, I felt that if I reached out to MM he just wouldn't have been able to give me the level of support I felt I would have needed. I didn't want to put my trust in an essentially untrustworthy person, and I was worried that reaching out to him would make me feel worse, not better. Not telling was best for me.

 

However, that was based on my relationship, with my MM.

 

For me it was a case of working out what support I would ideally want from MM, then trying to assess whether he was likely to provide that support. Perhaps you can apply similar logic to your own situation, but whatever you do, make sure you are fully comfortable with it.

[Hope Shimmers]

You are totally missing the point. OP said she didn't want to ALARM MM.

 

Having the c word thrown at you at the same time surgery is mentioned would be alarming to anyone.

 

My advice to OP was not to be alarmed because many OB/GYN's throw the c word out there to push hysterectomies even when there is no remote chance of cancer.

 

Definitely on point as to whether she should be alarmed or alarm MM.

 

As to the rest I never asked for your opinion or for you to engage in any discussion. I would appreciate it if you concern yourself with where you post and refrain from telling me where to post in the future.

 

I don't see where any of this was even remotely what you said in your first two posts, but okay. And yes, you did ask for my opinion - go read your second post.

 

Anytime there is a risk for cancer (ie, a biopsy is done), then I would never suggest someone to not be 'alarmed' or to decide that the doc threw the 'c' word out just to promote a procedure that might make him more money and there was 'no remote chance of cancer'. But that is just my opinion. OP had a valid point being concerned, because she may be high-risk for a cancer diagnosis and that alone is a real situation, concerning, and something to weigh when deciding who to involve in the process.

 

I'm out of this thread now. Good luck Angelique.

[William]

Great, with medical disagreements considered resolved for the purposes of this discussion, let's get back to telling the married man or not about this health issue and/or feelings about same. Thanks!

[whichwayisup]

Wow, you're certainly dealing with a lot. I wish you good health and hope all goes well. Do continue to talk to your Dr, ask lots and lots of questions, write them down as they pop in your head. Also, maybe get a second opinion?

 

As for your MM, you may not get the support you need by telling him, though with that said, he should know what is going on (omit certain details that you think he can't handle).

[velvette]

Angelique

 

 

There are lots of stories here of OW who are devasted when their MM don't step up to the plate and support them in medical situations.

 

 

I don't know your situation, but my advice would be to put yourself first and to tell people and request support from people you are sure will be there for you if you need them.

 

 

Don't rely on people for support regarding your health if you think they cant or wont be there when you need them, whether it is a routine doctors visit or an emergency.

[AngeliqueC]

I learned long ago that I'm really the only person I can rely on when I'm dealing with my health. I had to tell my mum because she would get suspicious with me going to the doctor - I'm one who avoids doctor offices like the plague!!

 

I know MM well enough to hazard a guess as to his reaction, and it's not something I want to deal with, trying to reassure him that everything will be fine when I'm not convinced of it myself. The more I've thought about it, the more I think I'm better off not mentioning it unless it does become a crisis.