Between a rock and a hard place: Should I divorce disabled spouse?

[PigeonNest]

I am at my wits end. Several years ago, my husband suffered a motorcycle accident which caused an SCI. He also lost his arm and leg. Though he has improved quite a bit, he still cannot live independently and I have been his caregiver ever since. Despite his injury, he is a loving and caring spouse, and despite some setbacks, financially we are doing OK, which is significant given the circumstances.

 

For a while, I thought about working hard in becoming our difficulties and making the best life we can for ourselves. I think I succeeded. However, the reality is that this life is not what I want for myself. At 33, I have the life of a person 30 years my senior, and my prospects for the future are not much better. I can only expect his condition to deteriorate, and put more pressure on me as I age. Not only that, most likely we will be put in a position in which we will have to further financially support his quite inconsiderate parents, who mooch on us to no end and have depended on us since before we got married.

 

Loving this man has brought me nothing but heartache, unfortunately, though no fault of his own. If he were a terrible spouse, this question would be a no- brainer. But the reality is that his kindness -and lack of foresight- has brought it to this point. It was his stupid obsession with motorcycles that caused his accident, it was his lack of backbone that has caused this massive issue with my in-laws. Being married to him has been a very poor investment of love, time and effort - I only think that I better cut my losses and avoid wasting what is left of my youth in a life of diminishing returns. However, the guilt of leaving a person that I love unable to fend for his own is killing me. Sometimes I wonder whether it would not have been better for everyone involved had he died instead of lived, which is a horrible thing to think about.

[davidromero43]

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

 

The number one regret people have on their death beds. And we only get one life.

[Satu]

It's obvious that his accident traumatised you. You weren't part of the incident, but you suffered psychological trauma. You also seem to have some Survivor Guilt.

 

At the moment you are taking care of him.

 

Is anybody taking care of you?

[TaraMaiden2]

OK, let's look at this practically:

 

First of all, his parents would have to take over caring duties.

And as parents, that's just par for the course, and goes with the territory.

You look after your kids no matter what, if that's what's needed.

You never stop being a parent, when your kids marry someone.

 

Secondly, I strongly advise you to speak to a Counsellor, but also - wait for it - with your husband.

 

He, perhaps more than anyone may be able to see what sacrifices you're making to tend to his every need.

 

If he is a kind, gentle, loving and great as you make out, then he should be able to see how limiting this is for you and agree to set the wheels in motion.

If he refuses to see your side of things and expects you to stick around through thick and thin, no matter what (and in a way, that's what you signed up for when you made your vows) then this is going to pose you some real problems, because in essence, he will be selfish enough to assume you will always consider your love for him to be above anything you want for yourself.

 

It's a toughie; most people who vow 'for better for worse' don't sign up for this kind of 'worse'.

 

But it happened.

 

When I was working in Counselling, the organisation I was with, ran marriage workshops for those wanting to get married in church.

 

One of the parts of the workshop actually dealt with 'what if...' scenarios.

 

One couple cancelled their wedding, because neither of them were prepared to consider putting their own lives on hold for the other, in the event of a life-changing situation (accidental or medical....)

 

Call it callous and unloving.

It's also a sensible thing to think about....

 

We all believe we would stick with our beloved, come what may, but few of us ever have to really face that reality.

 

I don't envy your situation because there's no solution here, that isn't going to be a painful one.

 

But you have as much right to consider your days ahead, as much as he has.

[d0nnivain]

There is a reason marital vows say for better or worse and in sickness and in health. You promised & now because it's tough you want out. Yes you can leave & it's your choice but since finances are not an issue get respite care & perhaps a home health aid before you give up due to his injuries. Inside he's still the same great guy.

[TaraMaiden2]

There is a reason marital vows say for better or worse and in sickness and in health. You promised & now because it's tough you want out. Yes you can leave & it's your choice but since finances are not an issue get respite care & perhaps a home health aid before you give up due to his injuries. Inside he's still the same great guy.

Unfortunately, it's not the 'inside' that needs considering.

 

But it's both her 'inside' AND 'outside' that's going through the mill.

As I indicated in my post, it's all very well to make those vows but frankly, I would say 99% of able-bodied couples don't really think about what they mean.

 

For example, they also state that a spouse will 'cleave to the other for as long as you both shall live."

 

This forum is glaring testimony to just how many people pay attention to that one.

 

So the other vows tend to be parroted out as a matter of course.

 

So why should this vow be any different to the other?

[d0nnivain]

So why should this vow be any different to the other?

 

I think all marital vows are important. The two I cited seem to be the most relevant here.

 

Part of the OPs issue is her ILs. If her husband can be educated to see the destructive effect their mooching is having on his marriage, the OP may be able to save her marriage to a wonderful guy. If the accident changed him into a sullen, moody mean guy I might be a bit more sympathetic to her desire to get out.

 

Ultimately it's her life & she has to do what's best for her. But other than being his nurse, I don't see much effort being put into the marriage.

[carhill]

OP, since it's been a couple of years after posting your first thread on this issue, did you avail yourself of professional psychological counseling as suggested in that thread?

 

If you could outline what has changed and what has remained the same in your relationship during those two years, it might help with suggestions for next steps.

[TaraMaiden2]

I take your point d0nnivain, and I'm not attempting to get into an argument with you; but while legally, and (as may be the case) in the eyes of the Church this is a marriage, it's really nothing of the kind, any more.

 

There are aspects of this relationship which are entirely one-sided; and other aspects of which both people are being deprived of.

He, due to his accident; she, because she has no choice.

Due to circumstances, she's an InCel.

Now, some women may well be able to aclimatise to that existence; but at her age, it's a lot to ask.

 

of course all vows are important.

But for some, they're as important as anything else they might say, until the rubber hits the road.

What you and I think, vow-wise, is largely irrelevant, to be honest.

How the OP views her situation, and what solutions are available, is what counts.

[TaraMaiden2]

OP, since it's been a couple of years after posting your first thread on this issue, did you avail yourself of professional psychological counseling as suggested in that thread?

 

If you could outline what has changed and what has remained the same in your relationship during those two years, it might help with suggestions for next steps.

 

Goodness, it never occurred to me to seek history.... I hadn't realised this was something the OP has been brewing over for so long.....

 

Wow....

 

In that case, I would personally reiterate my recommendation for counselling, AND including your H in discussion.....

[PigeonNest]

I did go to counseling. Pretty much the counselor said: "You need to do what makes you happy". Well, no option brings such a thing.

 

I think that what has changed in that there is no hope. Sex is going to remain mediocre, parents won't change, hubby will continue to depend on me for everything. Money is not a concern, but that doesn't mean we can afford a private caregiver at $25/hr. He cannot live independently, period.

 

I have discussed separating with him. He sees my point, and if the point came to shove, he would agree to a divorce. But he would never file for one. The issue is living with the guilt of leaving him in such dire circumstances.

 

At this point, I am the mother of my husband and the bank of my in-laws

Edited May 22, 2015 by PigeonNest

[xxoo]

How would you feel if you left?

 

I can fully understand wanting to run away from this situation (I bet he wishes he could, too, but obviously he can't). And you can leave, but could you ever fully leave it behind in reality? Or would it eat at you to know that he is suffering further, and you are not able to comfort him?

 

Consider that it is possible to be joyful in challenging circumstances. You are mourning the marriage and life that you lost. If you let that go, can you find the joy in the marriage and life that you have.

[TaraMaiden2]

So the one thing that has kept you with him all this time, hasn't been 'Love' but Guilt?

 

That's not an accusation, it's a reality-check question.

 

Because if you're going to stay with someone out of sympathy/pity and guilt, honey, this was dead in the water long ago.

 

Do you have any feelings for him as a husband, or do you consider your feelings have transformed more into friendship?

 

(Oh, I see you edited your post to clarify that point....)

 

What exactly would you be guilty OF?

 

Who says?

[PigeonNest]

Terrible, but at least I would be free.

[PigeonNest]

I would be guilty of leaving him defenseless in the world, with only his unreliable parents to care for him. I know that if the roles were reversed, he would have moved air and earth for me.

[carhill]

Reviewing further, I find this statement:

 

"Though he told me that he rather be with me than having a child, I see that if his desire to have a child is so big, that it is unfair for him to be with me. He is still young, handsome and a total sweetheart, so I don't doubt that he will find someone willing and able to give him the child that he wants. Now, I find myself steeling myself to the inevitable breakup, even already picturing my solo life and even working on spreadsheets, and making peace with the change. I don't know what to do. How do you divorce someone you love and loves you back? and how do you prevent falling out of love with someone as a cautionary measure when you see that your relationship is destined to doom?"

 

 

This was back before the motorcycle accident which rendered him a paraplegic.

 

Given the timeline, nearly three years, and total married time, ~11 years or so and considering there are no children, I'll share a statement our psychologist, who went far beyond suggesting we do what makes us happy shared:

 

"You have sufficient information and have spent over a year working on your marriage. It's time to make a decision"

 

In my opinion, it's time to hear those words.

[xxoo]

Terrible, but at least I would be free.

 

Physically free, but maybe not emotionally.

 

Stay or leave, you have the same challenge of finding peace. I've never been tested as you have, so I truly can not say for sure, but I feel that leaving a man I love, and who has been a good husband, to suffer without my help would destroy my peace possibly forever. I know no peace when my loved ones suffer.

[TaraMaiden2]

I would be guilty of leaving him defenseless in the world, with only his unreliable parents to care for him.

 

Like I said, there is no painless solution to this - but you have to come to terms with the fact that this would not be your problem to deal with.

 

They are HIS parents; their dynamics are for them to deal with.

 

THis may be something you'll have to live with for the rest of your life, but from my personal PoV, it beats self-sacrifice, resentment and tying yourself down to something you never actually knew would happen.

 

I know that if the roles were reversed, he would have moved air and earth for me.

 

Well, for one, they're not. And you don't absolutely know that for sure. You suspect and assume. But you don't know.

And never will.

For another, I think if the roles were reversed, there may be a case where you would understand and set HIM free.

 

Besides, at the risk of sounding contentious, it's possible that as a guy, who would have distinctly different sex drive, he may well look for warmth and comfort elsewhere, without advising you of it.

 

I'm not saying he definitely would; but it's socially a lot easier (dare I say, acceptable?) for a man to obtain sexual relief, than it is for a woman....

[jen1447]

Wow, what a terrible situation. I don't have an answer, but I hope you find some resolution one way or the other.

[davidromero43]

I did go to counseling. Pretty much the counselor said: "You need to do what makes you happy". Well, no option brings such a thing.

 

I think that what has changed in that there is no hope. Sex is going to remain mediocre, parents won't change, hubby will continue to depend on me for everything. Money is not a concern, but that doesn't mean we can afford a private caregiver at $25/hr. He cannot live independently, period.

 

I have discussed separating with him. He sees my point, and if the point came to shove, he would agree to a divorce. But he would never file for one. The issue is living with the guilt of leaving him in such dire circumstances.

 

At this point, I am the mother of my husband and the bank of my in-laws

 

If I was him, I would want you to leave. I wouldn't put you though all that.

[Akashsingh]

I am at my wits end. Several years ago, my husband suffered a motorcycle accident which caused an SCI. He also lost his arm and leg. Though he has improved quite a bit, he still cannot live independently and I have been his caregiver ever since. Despite his injury, he is a loving and caring spouse, and despite some setbacks, financially we are doing OK, which is significant given the circumstances.

 

For a while, I thought about working hard in becoming our difficulties and making the best life we can for ourselves. I think I succeeded. However, the reality is that this life is not what I want for myself. At 33, I have the life of a person 30 years my senior, and my prospects for the future are not much better. I can only expect his condition to deteriorate, and put more pressure on me as I age. Not only that, most likely we will be put in a position in which we will have to further financially support his quite inconsiderate parents, who mooch on us to no end and have depended on us since before we got married.

 

Loving this man has brought me nothing but heartache, unfortunately, though no fault of his own. If he were a terrible spouse, this question would be a no- brainer. But the reality is that his kindness -and lack of foresight- has brought it to this point. It was his stupid obsession with motorcycles that caused his accident, it was his lack of backbone that has caused this massive issue with my in-laws. Being married to him has been a very poor investment of love, time and effort - I only think that I better cut my losses and avoid wasting what is left of my youth in a life of diminishing returns. However, the guilt of leaving a person that I love unable to fend for his own is killing me. Sometimes I wonder whether it would not have been better for everyone involved had he died instead of lived, which is a horrible thing to think about.

 

I m not an american but I never get some of the western "values" of leaving someone. Grass is always green on the other side. As one pastor said, you can leave its only a vow, I would say its all about commitment.

 

Imagine a scenario: You leave him and a few years later you meet another guy. Lets say you get cancer that time, say at the age of 45? Would it be ok, if that guy doesn't care for you anymore and wants to divorce you when you are ridden with cancer? Would you cry a foul that time or would you understand him?

 

I completely get it that you were dealt a rough hand, but grass is greener on the other side. A lot of times we don't value in life what we have and we chase what we want. Also his parents mooching off you is not much of an issue. Think of it this way, your kids have loving grand parents. You only said that money is not an issue for you. But what about it when it comes to his parents.

[Akashsingh]

Like I said, there is no painless solution to this - but you have to come to terms with the fact that this would not be your problem to deal with.

 

They are HIS parents; their dynamics are for them to deal with.

 

THis may be something you'll have to live with for the rest of your life, but from my personal PoV, it beats self-sacrifice, resentment and tying yourself down to something you never actually knew would happen.

 

 

 

Well, for one, they're not. And you don't absolutely know that for sure. You suspect and assume. But you don't know.

And never will.

For another, I think if the roles were reversed, there may be a case where you would understand and set HIM free.

 

Besides, at the risk of sounding contentious, it's possible that as a guy, who would have distinctly different sex drive, he may well look for warmth and comfort elsewhere, without advising you of it.

 

I'm not saying he definitely would; but it's socially a lot easier (dare I say, acceptable?) for a man to obtain sexual relief, than it is for a woman....

 

This is total BS and quite heartless. I dont know where you get stuff like he would cheat on her and its easier for men to get sexual release than women. I can't imagine that you are trying to break a family.

[TaraMaiden2]

This is total BS and quite heartless. I dont know where you get stuff like he would cheat on her and its easier for men to get sexual release than women. I can't imagine that you are trying to break a family.

 

Past counselling experience.

We had quite a few male participants (of various ages) who were charged with caring for their wives, and who had found physical solace elsewhere.

Sometime with acquaintances, on two occasions with ladies whom they paid...

 

I think in the 4 years i worked with them, we must have had around 20 cases.

I can remember exactly how many women came to us with the same issues.

3.

[TunaCat]

No one can tell you what to do here.

 

What you have to decide is how you would feel if you left. How you would feel if you stayed.

 

As a woman with a disability, my heart aches for your husband. He deserves to have a wife who loves him even though life has thrown them a massive curveball. If you cannot be that for him, then you need to walk away from him & the marriage.

[WasOtherWoman]

I don't have any advice on the marriage, you are definitely in a tough situation. But, I will tell you that the "bank of in-laws" would be closed.

 

With all that you and your husband have on your plates, and, I hate to say it, but all that you need to do for him, financially supporting, or even financially helping, the in-laws should not even be a question.

Close the bank.