Between a rock and a hard place: Should I divorce disabled spouse?

[annie0677]

I am at my wits end. Several years ago, my husband suffered a motorcycle accident which caused an SCI. He also lost his arm and leg. Though he has improved quite a bit, he still cannot live independently and I have been his caregiver ever since. Despite his injury, he is a loving and caring spouse, and despite some setbacks, financially we are doing OK, which is significant given the circumstances.

 

For a while, I thought about working hard in becoming our difficulties and making the best life we can for ourselves. I think I succeeded. However, the reality is that this life is not what I want for myself. At 33, I have the life of a person 30 years my senior, and my prospects for the future are not much better. I can only expect his condition to deteriorate, and put more pressure on me as I age. Not only that, most likely we will be put in a position in which we will have to further financially support his quite inconsiderate parents, who mooch on us to no end and have depended on us since before we got married.

 

Loving this man has brought me nothing but heartache, unfortunately, though no fault of his own. If he were a terrible spouse, this question would be a no- brainer. But the reality is that his kindness -and lack of foresight- has brought it to this point. It was his stupid obsession with motorcycles that caused his accident, it was his lack of backbone that has caused this massive issue with my in-laws. Being married to him has been a very poor investment of love, time and effort - I only think that I better cut my losses and avoid wasting what is left of my youth in a life of diminishing returns. However, the guilt of leaving a person that I love unable to fend for his own is killing me. Sometimes I wonder whether it would not have been better for everyone involved had he died instead of lived, which is a horrible thing to think about.

 

Honey, the reason you wrote that post is because you are not happy. Happiness and truth go a long way. The truth may be hard to accept but then it remains the truth. And what I feel from this post is that, you are not happy.

 

You have a right to be happy. You have a right to live the life as you want.

 

Love does not bind us, even if you love this guy you don't have to compromise your years of youth for him. You can continue loving him and living the life that you want.

 

Think practically and try to work with the options. Think who can care for him other than you. Take breaks from all that you are doing now to understand that this is what you want to be doing (sometimes we want to do something, but when we actually start doing it, it does not sound to be a good idea).

 

So take baby steps, but don't give up on what you want.

Pick up a job, or a hobby. Try to spend time on yourself.

 

And then if you still want to move away, do it!

And try to make things comfortable for him (if possible).

 

We all are good human beings. Think of him as a person who needs a support structure and help him build that with what he has. And gently move towards your hearts desire.

 

What's the point of being a saint all your life, when all you do in the end is repent. Do what you want to do.

 

We humans tend to put so much weight on others and beat them up with MORALS. Don't crumble under the pressure.

 

Do what YOU want to do and be nice to all.

Blessings!

[loveboid]

I think you're being quite doom and gloom. Paraplegics do find love. This accident doesn't change anything--which is that you're depriving this man of someone who actually wants to be with him.

 

You don't want to be with him, right? Are you afraid to go? That fear is always going to be there because it's legitimate! Keep working on yourself and your life to help prevent the things you fear from happening. That's the best you can do.

[Arieswoman]

PigeonNest,

This is a very difficult situation for you.

 

Have you thought about getting your husband into respite care for a week every so often, to get a break?

 

I would also have a serious talk with your mooching in-laws and tell them that you need them to have some input from them with regards to their son. If they refuse, then you need to distance themselves from them.

 

I am assuming that SCI = spinal cord injury? If so, then where was the injury and what were you told about his prognosis and life-expectancy?

[fireflywy]

I am at my wits end. Several years ago, my husband suffered a motorcycle accident which caused an SCI. He also lost his arm and leg. Though he has improved quite a bit, he still cannot live independently and I have been his caregiver ever since. Despite his injury, he is a loving and caring spouse, and despite some setbacks, financially we are doing OK, which is significant given the circumstances.

 

For a while, I thought about working hard in becoming our difficulties and making the best life we can for ourselves. I think I succeeded. However, the reality is that this life is not what I want for myself. At 33, I have the life of a person 30 years my senior, and my prospects for the future are not much better. I can only expect his condition to deteriorate, and put more pressure on me as I age. Not only that, most likely we will be put in a position in which we will have to further financially support his quite inconsiderate parents, who mooch on us to no end and have depended on us since before we got married.

 

Loving this man has brought me nothing but heartache, unfortunately, though no fault of his own. If he were a terrible spouse, this question would be a no- brainer. But the reality is that his kindness -and lack of foresight- has brought it to this point. It was his stupid obsession with motorcycles that caused his accident, it was his lack of backbone that has caused this massive issue with my in-laws. Being married to him has been a very poor investment of love, time and effort - I only think that I better cut my losses and avoid wasting what is left of my youth in a life of diminishing returns. However, the guilt of leaving a person that I love unable to fend for his own is killing me. Sometimes I wonder whether it would not have been better for everyone involved had he died instead of lived, which is a horrible thing to think about.

 

This is going to be a rough post but here goes...

 

Ouch. That's pretty rough and damning. I'm CERTAIN that he never intended his love of motorcycles to do this to him and had he KNOWN this would be the outcome of it, I can guarantee you he would have dropped it. I can guarantee he HATES this more then you do or ever will.

 

As for his parents, this can be dealt with. You should deal with this and seperate it from the equation. Adress it with him. However, and I know this sounds rough, I feel like you're tacking this on as one of your major jusitications for abandoning him and this you shouldn't do if it can ge fixed (and it can!)

 

As for wasting your youth, and "cutting your losses" what do you want from life? You married what sounds like a good and loving man. Is it just sex you're missing? Is it that dash of mobile freedom? What do you want?

 

At this point, based on what you said that I quoted above, you sound like you're almost disgusted with him and frankly, that just doesn't sound fair to me in my initial reading. That isn't fair to him.

 

And saying you wonder if he should have died instead lived is quite honestly, pretty horrible to say IMO. I only have to look at Chris Reeves and his wife on this one.

 

In the end, if you don't want to be with him, fine. Don't. But there is no need to pile on the poor guy to justify yourself or feel sorry for yourself or feel guilty if caring for him is NOT something you can do. Some people just aren't able to cope with something like this and that's okay.

Edited May 26, 2015 by fireflywy

[whichwayisup]

A thought, if you do divorce, you could be paying your husband alimony.

 

Why not get some counseling in to help you with this big decision?

[minimariah]

He deserves to have a wife who loves him even though life has thrown them a massive curveball. If you cannot be that for him, then you need to walk away from him & the marriage.

 

this.

 

no judgement OP - but you failed the "in sickness & health" test -- your love died out and the resentment became too much. you're ANGRY at everyone, at your husband... at the world because this isn't the life you want. and it makes sense - it's a terrible situation to be in.

 

however - some people CAN handle it, some can't and you clearly can't. this is just too much for you to take and deal with -- so gracefully bow out and let him find someone who WILL know how to give him true love & support. you can help him out as a friend...

 

this is truly a terrible situation and it sucks to depend on someone who sees you as nothing but an unpleasant burden.

[minimariah]

you have a huge internal conflict going on & you're confused about your feelings -- you love your spouse, he did nothing wrong and he is a loving and a caring husband. then you turn a complete 180 in another moment telling us how you think everything is his fault to begin with (misplaced anger), how this entire marriage was just a huge waste of time for you & how you're basically trapped by this life and want out. my advice to you -- change your therapist. you're still super confused, super conflicted and this therapist is doing a HORRIBLE job in cleaning up the mess in your head.

 

sweetheart, you need to COPE and you're not coping at all. please, try to reach out to someone who is more specialized for situations like this.

 

all of these things you're feeling and going through are perfectly normal for someone in your situation, no shame in that.

Edited May 26, 2015 by minimariah

[PigeonNest]

you have a huge internal conflict going on & you're confused about your feelings -- you love your spouse, he did nothing wrong and he is a loving and a caring husband. then you turn a complete 180 in another moment telling us how you think everything is his fault to begin with (misplaced anger), how this entire marriage was just a huge waste of time for you & how you're basically trapped by this life and want out

 

THIS

 

I realize now that I was rambling in my original post. It is so hard to properly write what I feel. 80% of the time, I am happy and thankful to be with my husband, who despite his limitations, has a great attitude and strength of spirit. I do not pity him, I am not with him due to guilt, I do love him - even though I realize that does not come across in my original post. The idea of losing him feels to me like losing a limb.

 

However, the other 20% of the time is complete hell. I feel nothing but despair and anger, and whatever hope I feel goes out the window. I get depressed thinking about how our life has gone downhill, and there is little I can do.

 

I wonder whether these feelings are signs of depression, but I am concerned about taking antidepressants for a situation that is not 100% horrible. As Richard Feynman said, it is better not to mess with the machine, AKA as brain.

[TaraMaiden2]

THIS

 

I realize now that I was rambling in my original post. It is so hard to properly write what I feel. 80% of the time, I am happy and thankful to be with my husband, who despite his limitations, has a great attitude and strength of spirit. I do not pity him, I am not with him due to guilt, I do love him - even though I realize that does not come across in my original post. The idea of losing him feels to me like losing a limb.

 

However, the other 20% of the time is complete hell. I feel nothing but despair and anger, and whatever hope I feel goes out the window. I get depressed thinking about how our life has gone downhill, and there is little I can do.

 

I wonder whether these feelings are signs of depression, but I am concerned about taking antidepressants for a situation that is not 100% horrible. As Richard Feynman said, it is better not to mess with the machine, AKA as brain.

The situation is not 100% horrible. But its effect on your own psyche, is far greater.

Don't think that simply because you think that the situation itself is not so severe, that you don't have legitimate cause for the level of dissatisfaction you are experiencing.

Different things affect different people in different ways. And that's ok.

 

There is absolutely no harm or shame in speaking to a professional about this.

 

If you need some form of pharmaceutical support, then use it.

It may even help you reach a level of confidence sufficient enough to enable you to deal with the practical and emotive question of his parents....

[minimariah]

I wonder whether these feelings are signs of depression, but I am concerned about taking antidepressants for a situation that is not 100% horrible.

 

you should definitely see a professional - you don't necessarily have to take any antidepressants, you just need some professional advice + conversation. don't feel guilty or ashamed for feeling all of this... it's a normal reaction. it's also normal to want to just jump out of your own skin & live someone else's life. but i do think you need help in COPING. once you get that and once you learn how to work out through the confusion + anger and once you learn the acceptance? you'll move from there and you'll know what to do.

[central]

I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in, and the choices that must be tearing you apart.

 

 

I have not face anything close to what you are dealing with. I can only say that my wife and I have discussed similar scenarios, and prefer to release each other from any obligations rather than ruin TWO lives. We love each other enough that we'd free each other, AND try to find ways to help the one suffering the tragedy as best we can.

 

 

The vows many take are from the past. Now, there are assisted living and nursing homes to care for the severely limited, whereas only family did so in the past. Sometimes these care options can only be affordable if you divorce and let Medicaid take over the cost once his share of the split assets are exhausted. Without divorce, your assets will also be taken (leaving very little) and you may not be able to live on what's left to you. We have planned a so-called "Medicaid divorce" should we find ourselves in this situation.