He sleeps around.. I am aware of this. But then he lies to me. Ithink.

[ffred]

I started seeing someone last year, casually. The sex has been out of this world. Genuinely the best sex I've ever had, and I've had a good amount! He was upfront about the fact that he didn't want a girlfriend because he felt he wasn't able to be faithful (he has cheated on girlfriend's in the past) and I was fine with that - I didn't see him as boyfriend material but i wasn't getting regular sex so I was happy for the relationship to be mutually beneficial in that respect. However as we got to know each other I said to him that I would like to know when he slept with anyone else so that I could decide whether I would like to continue.

 

I continued dating. He worked away a lot (with all men). However I haven't slept with anyone new since I started seeing him. I have dated a lot but none of them have gone anywhere. I'm 39 years old and I don't have any desire to sleep around anymore. Sex is very important to me but I will take quality sex with a person I know well over a rubbish one night stand.

 

I would still like to have a real relationship but I have been single for more than four years and I can't seem to get it together with anyone. I like men, they like me, but it's rare that I meet someone I really fancy.

 

Anyway, things with sex guy have become more complicated in that we have become good friends. I thoroughly enjoy his company and still really love the sex, but we don't always just meet for sex. However, it's not a relationship either. I know he still occasionally has sex with other people - one a woman he has known for years and who he sees now and then, very physically different to me (I get that he likes different bodies) but also others. The thing is a lot of the 'also others' is me guessing and being suspicious. I am actually OK with him sleeping with others (I don't love it, but I also get that monogamy in this day and age can be difficult for some people) but I'm not OK with him lying about it, and I think he is. I think he's scared that if he's honest I'll stop seeing him.

 

I caught him in a lie a few weeks ago and got very upset. He said that he lied because he could see that admitting to having sex with someone else hurt me and he didn't want to do that (yes I get that this is most likely bulls**t). The thing is, I think there was a less obvious bigger lie in there but I didn't push it because I was afraid that there would be no coming back - if he knew that I knew and I stuck around then I would have no dignity left. Pretending I don't know (and I don't - I'm just guessing based on some good evidence) means that I can continue seeing him with some dignity. Maybe.But probably not..

 

I am on the verge of walking away from a friendship that I really enjoy and sex that is excellent because he lies. I don't understand why he lies when he knows I will accept to a certain extent that he has an interest in other women. I had an STI test last week and I'm all clear, so am happy from that perspective. But I find it very hard to cope with the fact that Ithink he's lying, about one person in particular. He told me when he slept with her after meeting at a party, but then said he had no intention of seeing her again. I think that he has seen her again. I don't want to be a spy and I don't want to stop seeing him but ffs. I'm not sure at which point to cut my losses.

 

I suppose the complicating factor is that, given my age and extended singledom, a part of me thinks that this is the best I can expect (a man who wants to continue seeing other women but who is good to me in many ways and great in bed). I just can't stomach the lies. I know if i confront him he won't admit to it. So I have to decide whether i'm over reacting or whether walking away (which will make me very sad) is what I have to do.

 

Ha. Any thoughts out there? Does any of that make sense?!

[oldshirt]

Our grandmothers would call this "settling" and would throw in there that people don't buy the cow when they get the milk for free.

 

You are trying hard to consider yourself open minded and progressive but you are compromising your own true desires and objectives and settling for what you think is all you are going to be able to get.

 

The reason he is screwing the whole neighborhood is because he can and because you are letting him.

 

How would your grandmother and her peers have delt with this situation back in their day?

[Arabella]

You know he sleeps with other people and he has been honest with you about it. Why does he have to give you an account of his encounters?

 

I think the extent of his responsibility to you is a yes/no answer when asked if he sleeps with others. He has given you that.

 

You clearly want more from this man than you admit to. Either ask him for more or move on, but it's not fair for you to sit there digging at his life when it's none of your business in the first place.

 

I don't want to be mean, but I think you need a reality check here.

[darkmoon]

he must be v good-looking, i think you will keep him on, but why be faithful to him? discreetly date others, he is

Edited May 24, 2015 by darkmoon

[ffred]

Yup I get the settling thing. Although it's very difficult to find a man in this town who wants to settle down with one person! They all have so many options these days. I don't think our grandmothers battled these issues..

 

I have been dating other people but I haven't met anyone else I want to sleep with, or even see again really. I'm pretty fussy. I guess I met this guy at a point where I hadn't had sex in a while and that was my priority at that point, but then it turned out we got along really well.

 

Yes I know he doesn't have to explain to me. I just want to know. That was part of the deal. I feel like an idiot being lied to. Maybe I do want more. I don't know. Haha I kind of just want things to stay as they are and if he could just stick to maybe one or two other girls then that would be grand haha. I could have my life and still get to enjoy him. I guess I'm uncomfortable with it all because I feel he's being disrespectful to everyone, me included.

 

I think I'm posting because I know I need to walk away so that I can feel comfortable in myself, but I can't just go no contact (we are friends) and I am scared that it will turn into a drama. Also it makes me sad that I have to make this decision at all. I wish I could stay friends with him or just have sex with him, but the two unfortunately seem to go together - there's not one without the other. Tis hard this stuff.

[ffred]

Thanks for your thoughts by the way

[ExpatInItaly]

Yup I get the settling thing. Although it's very difficult to find a man in this town who wants to settle down with one person! They all have so many options these days. I don't think our grandmothers battled these issues..

 

I have been dating other people but I haven't met anyone else I want to sleep with, or even see again really. I'm pretty fussy. I guess I met this guy at a point where I hadn't had sex in a while and that was my priority at that point, but then it turned out we got along really well.

 

Yes I know he doesn't have to explain to me. I just want to know. That was part of the deal. I feel like an idiot being lied to. Maybe I do want more. I don't know. Haha I kind of just want things to stay as they are and if he could just stick to maybe one or two other girls then that would be grand haha. I could have my life and still get to enjoy him. I guess I'm uncomfortable with it all because I feel he's being disrespectful to everyone, me included.

I think I'm posting because I know I need to walk away so that I can feel comfortable in myself, but I can't just go no contact (we are friends) and I am scared that it will turn into a drama. Also it makes me sad that I have to make this decision at all. I wish I could stay friends with him or just have sex with him, but the two unfortunately seem to go together - there's not one without the other. Tis hard this stuff.

 

So he hasn't held up his end of the deal. And you feel disrespected.

 

Why are you even considering sticking around? It's not working for you anymore. Friends and sex don't usually mix well, and you indeed can go no contact. The dynamics of the friendship have changed and it's not the same friendship it once was.

[Lois_Griffin]

It just sounds like you're one of many in a stable. I cant imagine needing sex so much that I'd be willing to settle for something this pitiful, but different strokes, I guess.

 

If you quit having sex with him he'll just replace you with someone else, is all. At least he hasn't lied to you and faked that you were anything more than a friend he has sex with.

[sandylee1]

TBH the guy has been upfront with you and I think you either take it or leave it. I understand him not wanting to give you a heads up before he sleeps with someone else or even afterwards. He wants casual sex and not to have to be accountable. You're not his girlfriend.

 

Maybe he's being honest about not wanting to hurt you. It is what it is. Decide if you want to continue with this arrangement.

[ffred]

All valid points..

 

I guess the thing I haven't really mentioned is that he often treats me like a girlfriend in many respects. His mum thinks we're dating and always tells him to say hi to me (I told him I wasn't comfortable with this and he said it was too hard to explain to her - I think he just doesn't want his mum to know he's a player..) He rings me when he's away to chat and sometimes I do little errands here and there while he's away. He helps me out with things at home. I'm definitely the 'main' person he sleeps with - for a few months there was definitely noone else. I've met some of his friends and he's met some of mine. I guess I just like pretending he's my boyfriend. And I actually quite like this low level maintenance boyfriend.. I have little doubt that we both have some level of romantic feelings for each other.

 

I thought that in asking him to tell me about his other liaisons I would be able to maintain my sanity in the situation. If I knew what else he was up to then I could make informed decisions about us. But my inability to trust that he's telling me the truth is too upsetting. I think largely because I'm like "I'm so accepting of him sleeping with others - what is so bad that he feels he can't tell me?!" It's all such a shame.

 

I actually completely understand how ridiculous this all is and how pathetic I must seem. Sigh. But good for people to tell me. I don't really let my friends express concerns about these things, it's a bit of an off limits topic. Also good for me to write it all out so I'm forced to look at myself..

[sandylee1]

All valid points..

 

I guess the thing I haven't really mentioned is that he often treats me like a girlfriend in many respects. His mum thinks we're dating and always tells him to say hi to me (I told him I wasn't comfortable with this and he said it was too hard to explain to her - I think he just doesn't want his mum to know he's a player..) He rings me when he's away to chat and sometimes I do little errands here and there while he's away. He helps me out with things at home. I'm definitely the 'main' person he sleeps with - for a few months there was definitely noone else. I've met some of his friends and he's met some of mine. I guess I just like pretending he's my boyfriend. And I actually quite like this low level maintenance boyfriend.. I have little doubt that we both have some level of romantic feelings for each other.

 

I thought that in asking him to tell me about his other liaisons I would be able to maintain my sanity in the situation. If I knew what else he was up to then I could make informed decisions about us. But my inability to trust that he's telling me the truth is too upsetting. I think largely because I'm like "I'm so accepting of him sleeping with others - what is so bad that he feels he can't tell me?!" It's all such a shame.

 

I actually completely understand how ridiculous this all is and how pathetic I must seem. Sigh. But good for people to tell me. I don't really let my friends express concerns about these things, it's a bit of an off limits topic. Also good for me to write it all out so I'm forced to look at myself..

 

I'm sure he does have some feelings for you, but if they were strong enough, I can be pretty sure he'd let you know. He's currently got the benefit of someone who's like a GF, but is also low maintenance.

 

These arrangements are great if you don't get emotionally attached, but can otherwise be difficult on the heart. Do you think he'd react if you said you wanted to start dating?

 

ETA sometimes you need a second round of testing with STDs. I've heard lots of BSs say they were clear the first time, then something showed up later.

[ffred]

Yeah I know that if I said I wanted to date then he would say no. But to be honest I'm not even sure I want to date him. Actually pretty sure I don't - mostly because I could never trust him. Hmph. I'm so confused about it all. Just need to get out. He's away at the moment so it's easy to say. My feelings about everything change on a daily basis but the more the thoughts about him start to distract me from everyday life the more I know I have to end things. Ha I really don't want to. I wish there was another way. Oh well. Someone else will come along.. I guess..!

 

Haha I'm being so calm. Last night I was in fits of tears about it all.

 

Yeah I'll do the STI check again in a couple of months to be sure.

[ascendotum]

TBH the guy has been upfront with you and I think you either take it or leave it. I understand him not wanting to give you a heads up before he sleeps with someone else or even afterwards. He wants casual sex and not to have to be accountable. You're not his girlfriend.

 

Maybe he's being honest about not wanting to hurt you. It is what it is. Decide if you want to continue with this arrangement.

Totally agree. I find it weird that he is expected to give forewarning of when he sleeps with someone else. He has been juggling one or more for some time, and the OP is fine with being just one of his fwbs, so I don't see the need for this heads up forewarning that he is going to sleep with say Lisa on Wednesday and Sophie this Friday and so will catch up with the OP on Saturday. If there is no more than 24 hrs between his women is that what will put her off?

 

Seems like while these other women are merely just some 'other women' in the background of their relationship, its fine, but she wants to know more about them, and I'm sure he knows that if he starts giving specifics these women wont be part of background haze any more, but will now be intruding into the mind and insecurities/jealousies of the OP. It will ruin a good thing for him and her. If a woman is doing long term fwb with a handsome suave man then she has to assume he is doing others. In this day & age many like the OP don't mind sharing to date up (for a while anyway) but don't want to hear the tacky details.

[ffred]

Just to clarify, I'm not asking for forewarning. I just expect him to tell when he has slept with someone else for two reasons - so I know how often it is happening and to remind me not to get too attached.

 

When he told me he couldn't be faithful I said to him I was ok with that so long as it was safe. We stopped using protection after a little while And I realise this is not ideal but it's much more enjoyable, so .. Anyway. He slept with someone at a party and told me that he did. I never ask more, other than did they use protection, but he seems to enjoy telling me things about them and how it all happened.. I do think a lot of it is an ego stroke for him. But he told me that he didn't plan to see her again. The thing is I think he did and I assume he hasn't told me because they didn't use protection. I asked him what he'd been up to for the week when we caught up a few weeks ago and, among other things, he said "I was supposed to catch up with that girl again but I put her off". But I actually don't believe him, for various reasons, but the thing is I really wanted to so I let it go.

 

But I went and had an STI test. When I told him on the phone the other night that I had a test he said "oh that must mean the other girl is clear too" and when I asked which girl was that he made a joke about being a man whore and changed the subject. I didn't want to have a fight so I just moved on, but it's bugging me.

 

I guess the dilemma I have is whether I continue to ignore these things so that I get all the really fun enjoyable benefits or whether I give up and walk away because I don't like the lying (or the rubbing of his whorishness in my face..)

[Hopeful714]

I think your kinda in denial. You like this guy. And even though you say your fine with this situation, your not. Otherwise it wouldn't be bothering you enough to post here.

 

Sooner or later I think you realise that your going to have to get out of this or end up becoming hurt. Sooner or later this guy may want to settle down and I can promise you it won't be with you because he knows you don't respect yourself because you let him disrespect you now by pretending to be ok that has sex with others. He's not going to commit to a girl like that. Hypocritical on his part? Sure, but it's how it works.

 

My advice to you would be get out now and minimize the hurt you'll feel. To save face, tell a white lie and say you can't see him anymore because you met someone else who is willing to give you a committed relationship and you have decided that's what you would like. Then say goodbye and go no contact.

 

End it first. It's the only way to get out of this with dignity in tact. Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think your kinda in denial. You like this guy. And even though you say your fine with this situation, your not. Otherwise it wouldn't be bothering you enough to post here.

 

Sooner or later I think you realise that your going to have to get out of this or end up becoming hurt. Sooner or later this guy may want to settle down and I can promise you it won't be with you because he knows you don't respect yourself because you let him disrespect you now by pretending to be ok that has sex with others. He's not going to commit to a girl like that. Hypocritical on his part? Sure, but it's how it works.

 

My advice to you would be get out now and minimize the hurt you'll feel. To save face, tell a white lie and say you can't see him anymore because you met someone else who is willing to give you a committed relationship and you have decided that's what you would like. Then say goodbye and go no contact.

 

End it first. It's the only way to get out of this with dignity in tact. Good luck.

 

This. OP, it's clearly not working for you anymore. Walk away now or you're going to be in more fits of tears. He's not the one for you and he doesn't see you as relationship material or you'd already be there with him.

[oldshirt]

You aren't seeing the forest for the trees here. Here's a some points in no particular order -

 

- you are not too fussy. You are not fussy enough and don't have functional boundaries.

 

- it's not that the other men in your life aren't sexy enough, it's that you aren't attracting quality men to you.

 

- you aren't attracting quality men because you have poor boundaries and low self esteem.

 

- the men you attract are dudes just wanting free and easy poontang because that is all you are offering and all you are requiring of them.

 

- he doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself and you aren't making him respect you.

 

- you are claiming your source of distress is him not being honest about the other women but it's really because you are highly dissatisfied with this arrangment. If he told you about the other women, you'd find something else to complain about. You'd bitch that he talks too much about other girls or complain that ends the sentence with a preposition. The bottom line is that you don't respect him so you will always find fault.

 

- you don't respect him because he bangs desperate women with no self esteem and preys upon their desperation.

 

- the reason you feel he has so many other options is because you feel you have no other options.

 

The bottom line here is this is a self esteem issue and self respect issue. You are settling because you don't think you can do better.