What constitutes an EA?

[cocorico]

A few years back, a friend's daughter friended me on FB. She is the same age as one of my kids, though they have met only a couple of times. Her dad and I used to be really close friends, though since I moved our contact has been limited to online.

 

I noticed him pulling back a bit after he remarried, and just assumed that married life was keeping him busy. But his DD messaged me on FB the other day to say she really used to enjoy my visits when she was a kid, and she's really sorry her dad and I "didn't work out" because she had really wanted me as a stepmother! Her dad and I were only ever friends. There was never anything physical between us, and though I loved him as a friend, it was just that - as a friend. I told her that, and she told me that he "still carried a torch" for me and that that was why his current W "forbade" his friendship with me (she's not online, so presumably has no idea we still communicate.)

 

Apparently I was "the one that got away" and he married his current wife "on the rebound" when things got serious between me and my H and he realised "he'd lost me". The current wife is very religious (he lost faith decades ago, partly as a result of our conversations) and very conservative, my exact opposite in many ways. When he was first getting to know her - she works as a secretary at a school his kids used to attend - he used to talk to me about her. He was wary of getting involved with her, though she was dead keen, for many reasons, and I agreed with him that I didn't think she was a good fit for him if he felt that. Perhaps she knows that I said that and holds that against me, IDK - I've met her only once, briefly. But apparently she considers my friendship with him to be an EA, and has forbidden it for that reason.

 

My H, OTOH, has absolutely no problem with my friendship with him. He sees it for what it is - a friendship of many decades - and doesn't feel threatened. It seems the current W does. He has never told me he's "forbidden" to be friends with me, and when I messaged him to ask, he laughed it off as "one of her insecurities" and said that while she had insisted, he had never agreed. When I asked if he agreed with her that it was an EA, he laughed that off as "pop psychology" but did admit that, if we weren't both M, he might allow himself "to feel something more", even though he knew I wasn't interested in him in that way.

 

So I guess the question is: what is the difference between a spouse's insecurity, and an EA? What exactly is an EA, and how does it differ from a really close friendship? Can an EA be one-sided, or does it have to be reciprocated? And, what role does gender play - would things considered unacceptable between a male and female ITO friendship, be considered acceptable between two guys or two women?

[Friskyone4u]

the first rule or indication of an EA is

 

Are either of you saying or discussing things that you would not want your spouse to hear??? If the answer is yes, then you are on a slippery slope. Same as a GNO. If you are doing things you would not want your husband to see, or would certainly no do, then it is wrong.

 

The problem with EA's is that they most often do not start out as that. The you start discussing personal and marital issues, sharing secrets, then the flirting, then the sexting, and then you know what is next.

 

That is what makes the EA sometimes as devastating or more so than a PA that is discovered. The BS beats themselves up because it was going on right before their eyes, they were aware of the "special friendship: and let it happen

 

If you want to know more, I suggest you get a book called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It will explain it very well and how to avoid it.

[carhill]

If the behavior was demonstrated transparently in front of his spouse and his spouse disapproved of the behavior, then it is inappropriate for their relationship and, if repetitive, an affair. Hence, if he's 'carried a torch' over time and you and he have interacted, over time, regardless of how you might feel, his behaviors are inappropriate in his relationship if his spouse disapproves or would otherwise disapprove if disclosed. The time factor delineates the dynamic of the affair, even if unrequited or one-sided. His feeding of his feelings of desire for intimacy is what defines the affair component for him. Those desires and feelings should be focused on his spouse or partner.

 

In reality, people keep a lot of stuff to themselves and no one ever knows unless someone slips.

 

Also, long experience with MW's has taught me to analyze all interactions for social hacks, regardless of how innocent they might seem. The daughter's 'revelation' is one action I would subject to scrutiny. Trust, but verify.

[cocorico]

the first rule or indication of an EA is

 

Are either of you saying or discussing things that you would not want your spouse to hear??? If the answer is yes, then you are on a slippery slope. Same as a GNO. If you are doing things you would not want your husband to see, or would certainly no do, then it is wrong.

 

That's an interesting question. As of now, not at all - I have no secrets from my H, and he would be free to listen in to any of my conversations (except professional ones - we're in the same field). But years back, when my H and I were getting serious, I probably did discuss him and the R with my friend in ways I would not at the time have been comfortable sharing with him... Though now I wouldn't mind at all. On his side, I'm sure he'd not want his current W hurt by some of the things he said about her back then - though he must have felt those things were not all that material if he still went ahead and married her.

 

The problem with EA's is that they most often do not start out as that. The you start discussing personal and marital issues, sharing secrets, then the flirting, then the sexting, and then you know what is next.

 

Well, from the start of our friendship we discussed personal and marital issues - we met when I was finalising my D, and he was going through a rough patch in his first M following the birth of his youngest. Over the decades we probably have shared things that may be "secret" (ie not shared with just anyone) as one does in a close friendship. But setting, flirting - nope. I love him as a friend. But there is no sexual vibe at all - at least, not from my side. If it's one sided, can it be an EA?

 

That is what makes the EA sometimes as devastating or more so than a PA that is discovered. The BS beats themselves up because it was going on right before their eyes, they were aware of the "special friendship: and let it happen

 

If you want to know more, I suggest you get a book called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It will explain it very well and how to avoid it.

 

Thanks for this. I'll see if I can get hold of it.

[cocorico]

If the behavior was demonstrated transparently in front of his spouse and his spouse disapproved of the behavior, then it is inappropriate for their relationship and, if repetitive, an affair. Hence, if he's 'carried a torch' over time and you and he have interacted, over time, regardless of how you might feel, his behaviors are inappropriate in his relationship if his spouse disapproves or would otherwise disapprove if disclosed. The time factor delineates the dynamic of the affair, even if unrequited or one-sided. His feeding of his feelings of desire for intimacy is what defines the affair component for him. Those desires and feelings should be focused on his spouse or partner.

 

In reality, people keep a lot of stuff to themselves and no one ever knows unless someone slips.

 

Also, long experience with MW's has taught me to analyze all interactions for social hacks, regardless of how innocent they might seem. The daughter's 'revelation' is one action I would subject to scrutiny. Trust, but verify.

 

Could you explain this? I did follow up with him and asked if the W had forbidden the friendship (she had told him to break off the friendship, he hadn't agreed) and whether he agreed with her that it was an EA (he objected to the term, admitted that if neither of us was M he might allow himself to have "feelings" but admitted he knew I didn't feel the same way).

 

I'm not sure why his daughter messaged me now. We've been FB friends for some years, and I can't see any reason that would have triggered the message.

[RoseVille]

I think if the committed person is giving to you anything that should be given to his wife alone (confidences of personal/family issues, feelings), then it's likely an EA - for them, anyway.

[carhill]

Yep, the man in question is the point of information. The decision will be does transparency trump social fallout in asking such questions and identifying the source of why the question was posed.

 

Does the benefit of knowing outweigh the consequences of knowing or seeking knowledge?

 

As you're probably aware, there are a lot of people who fervently believe, and will argue endlessly (most of my male friends do!) that if there's no dickinsider, there's no affair. Everything else is fair game. Perception is everything and we each perceive interactions in our own unique way.

 

Post-D, when I've had doubts about interactions, I discontinue them, even if to my own detriment. There's billions of people in the world to know.

[goodyblue]

Just my opinion here so take it as you will, but if it is enough that you are asking here what we think, it is something to worry about, whether it is now or could be later.

[minimariah]

My H, OTOH, has absolutely no problem with my friendship with him. He sees it for what it is - a friendship of many decades - and doesn't feel threatened.

 

he doesn't feel threatened for one simple reason -- he knows you aren't & weren't in love with this dude & that you don't see him in a romantic light.

 

It seems the current W does.

 

of course she is - according to the disrespectful daughter who is running her mouth about her dad's personal business, he felt something for you but got stuck in the friendzone AND married this other woman as a 2nd best. he admits to feeling something for you but gaslights his W & calls her "insecure" - of course she'll feel threatened next to an obviously immature man who does nothing to reassure her OR take care of her emotionally... hence her trying to do the best she knows how to keep him around.

 

So I guess the question is: what is the difference between a spouse's insecurity, and an EA?

 

feelings, being in love & feeling attracted to the other person, wanting to be with the other person, when you connect better with the other person than with anyone else. i mean, it's simple - folks KNOW when they look at someone ONLY as a friend & when they start wanting more -- the moment you start wanting more & CONTINUE with the relationship is the moment you're entering an EA. EA doesn't exist if there aren't romantic feelings present.

 

What exactly is an EA, and how does it differ from a really close friendship?

 

friendship is a relationship with someone you don't view as a potential romantic interest. basically, every friendship with someone you feel attracted to has a potential to crossover into an EA, eventually. you need to be romantically interested in a person - that's the difference between an EA & a close friendship.

 

Can an EA be one-sided, or does it have to be reciprocated?

 

emotional AFFAIR cannot be one - sided, you need two people for an affair... just like you need at least two people for a relationship. you & your friend didn't have an EA... HOWEVER - he felt (is feeling?) something for you but got friendzoned. it's a classic example of unrequited love, i'll guess. his romantic feelings for you, if admitted, would probably just stroke your ego but nothing more, he knew that and settled for a friendship... probably hoping you'll change your mind one day.

 

long story short = this wasn't an EA. dude fell in love with you but you weren't interested, still has attraction for you & the W feels that - he gaslights her by calling her insecure... and that's about it.

 

i wouldn't continue that friendship... i'm surprised you aren't bothered by that level of immaturity.

[Popsicle]

The wife is correct, whether it's labeled insecurity or an EA or whatever, it doesn't matter the label...

Edited May 24, 2015 by Popsicle

[minimariah]

let's imagine you got a close friend and we'll name him A. and you're friends... you feel comfortable with him, you share same interests, you got good communication and you think A is handsome & cute. BUT your H is still your best friend, someone you feel the MOST comfortable with, someone you share MOST interest with, someone you think looks like Adonis.

 

THAT's how a close friendship looks like. now... an EA?

 

when you start communicating less and less with your H but more and more with this other person, this friend we calling A. when you f$ck your H and imagine and think about what it would be like to f&ck A. when you look for an excuse to be near A, to touch him... hand touches, hugs... (touching his knee as a help in getting up kind of subtle flirt touches)... when you fantasize about A in a sexual way. when you think A is more attractive than your H. when you get some really bad or good news and the 1st person you think to call is not your H - but A. when you start thinking about what it would be like if you had met A before you met your H. when you don't feel comfortable seeing A dating other people. when you don't feel comfortable seeing A hang out with your H. when you don't want to admit to extent to your friendship with A to your H -- because you know it's a problem. when you start "dumbing down" the importance of this "close friendship" because it's a defense mechsnism in case your H gets suspicious because you need to convince yourself that there isn't dangerous stuff going on first... then your H. when you're more comfortable sharing things, deepest secrets and hopes with A and when you're sharing things you've never shared with your H. when all of this results in you distancing from your H and provokes tensions and fights.... THAT's when you know you're having an EA.

 

your H feels safe because he's secure in your relationship - judging from your earlier posts, your marriage seems rock solid. it always comes from the inside, from the relationship. this dude's W isn't safe & doesn't feel secure because her husband refuses to OFFER her that security.

 

for example, if your H said - look, Coco. that dude gets on my nerves, you're mine & i'm not comfortable with you hanging out with him -- you would put your H's feelings and needs first and broke off the friendship because it probably isn't even an option to do ANYTHING that would cause distress to the man you love.

 

when you don't want to do that - when your friendship becomes more important than making your H emotionally happy & secure? yeah, EA alert.

[Hope Shimmers]

Post-D, when I've had doubts about interactions, I discontinue them, even if to my own detriment. There's billions of people in the world to know.

 

This I have a hard time with. Just throw one person out and get another? It's like you are shopping for shoes. (Although you're a guy, so... it's like you are shopping for cars).

 

How can men be that logical about it to just drop one and move on to the next? (It's an honest question; not meant as a criticism, because it's so different than how I think).

 

Of course the way I think gets me into trouble repeatedly.

[carhill]

Yes, it took a lot of often cruel lessons in life but I think it's healthy to place one's personal boundaries of propriety over the value of any other particular person, as people, as is life, are transitory. I simply cease any interactions which may be a breach of boundaries and, if that ends the total interaction, it does.

 

I've done this with MW's since my D and, where it has 'cooled' friendships, I feel that to be healthy and appropriate. There are lots of people in the world to befriend.

[Hope Shimmers]

Yes, it took a lot of often cruel lessons in life but I think it's healthy to place one's personal boundaries of propriety over the value of any other particular person, as people, as is life, are transitory. I simply cease any interactions which may be a breach of boundaries and, if that ends the total interaction, it does.

 

I've done this with MW's since my D and, where it has 'cooled' friendships, I feel that to be healthy and appropriate. There are lots of people in the world to befriend.

 

I agree with that; it's why I did what I did too. It's just that men are so much more.... logical? Matter of fact? Something like that, whereas women are all over the place emotionally. Or at least I have trouble shutting my emotions off. (Which you know about me all too well)

[carhill]

I had to learn from marriage and MC to be more like a man. It took both. About the only area relevant to this topic where some issues remain is my departure from fellow males regarding what constitutes affair/infidelity actions. My friends tend to align more with Bill Clinton on this topic.

[autumnnight]

This I have a hard time with. Just throw one person out and get another? It's like you are shopping for shoes. (Although you're a guy, so... it's like you are shopping for cars).

 

How can men be that logical about it to just drop one and move on to the next? (It's an honest question; not meant as a criticism, because it's so different than how I think).

 

Of course the way I think gets me into trouble repeatedly.

 

Hope, for me, I have to (now) always ask myself, "Who am I cutting this off FOR? Am I ending a friendship because it needs to end or because I was subjected to a dogma that would make me feel guilty about ANY interaction that involved someone who was male."

 

There are those who think nothing of sharing their whole lives with someone of the opposite sex while married (which I do not think is good), and there are those that think if you smiled when a man complimented your dress, you are on the way to cheating.

 

Normal people usually think somewhere in the middle.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope, for me, I have to (now) always ask myself, "Who am I cutting this off FOR? Am I ending a friendship because it needs to end or because I was subjected to a dogma that would make me feel guilty about ANY interaction that involved someone who was male."

 

There are those who think nothing of sharing their whole lives with someone of the opposite sex while married (which I do not think is good), and there are those that think if you smiled when a man complimented your dress, you are on the way to cheating.

 

Normal people usually think somewhere in the middle.

 

I agree... I have seen many different levels of that on here too.

 

The problem with getting emotionally too close to someone is that it starts out insidiously. So the boundaries have to be very clear from the start. That's what I have learned.

[LovelyBrown]

Coco, I don't think yours constitutes an EA, if you don't think it is. I think it's all about how comfortable you are with your friendship and how your spouse feels about it, if you see it as only a friendship and don't find him attractive then that's what it is, do you get a vibe off him? Does he show signs that he's interested?

 

That being said, im confused about people's perception of what an EA is. I was pretty certain I had fallen into one, but some people on here don't think so. Yet, the definition of an EA is when you're confinding things on another woman that you wouldn't with your partner, sharing emails and texts throughout the day and keeping the importantce of the friendship from your partner. This is what went on in my friendship, except he was a lot more careful about emails/texts and we never got so bold as to vocalize our attraction. So, basically because we didn't gushed over each other then we were not an EA?

[autumnnight]

I do like what Frisky said. If you begin hiding the communication or wouldn't do it in front of your spouse, that is a problem.

 

I think it is harder being single and figuring this out. I mean, if I don't have a spouse to hide it FROM, then I can let myself go farther down the road without realizing it, so to speak.

 

I do think it is good people are asking these kinds of questions. There is a school of thought out there that if you don't have intercourse, you haven;t cheated, and THAT is a terrible terrible gauge of infidelity.

[whichwayisup]

My H, OTOH, has absolutely no problem with my friendship with him. He sees it for what it is - a friendship of many decades - and doesn't feel threatened. It seems the current W does.

 

He wasn't the one who got away, the love of your life but he feels that way towards you, still carries a torch so I can totally understand why his wife wouldn't approve of him keeping in touch and having contact on occasion.

[waterwoman]

I used to be so proud that my H was able to get close to female friends, enjoy their company and offer them support when life got hard. I thought it meant he was a decent man. I was achingly cool about it all - why shouldn't men and women be close without sex getting in the way. I was so effing cool I was almost glacial. Then he had an A. I am a lot less cool now - I hate that.

[MissBee]

she told me that he "still carried a torch" for me and that that was why his current W "forbade" his friendship with me (she's not online, so presumably has no idea we still communicate.)

 

Apparently I was "the one that got away" and he married his current wife "on the rebound" when things got serious between me and my H and he realised "he'd lost me". The current wife is very religious (he lost faith decades ago, partly as a result of our conversations)

 

I didn't think she was a good fit for him if he felt that. Perhaps she knows that I said that and holds that against me, IDK - I've met her only once, briefly. But apparently she considers my friendship with him to be an EA, and has forbidden it for that reason.

 

My H, OTOH, has absolutely no problem with my friendship with him. He sees it for what it is - a friendship of many decades - and doesn't feel threatened. It seems the current W does. He has never told me he's "forbidden" to be friends with me, and when I messaged him to ask, he laughed it off as "one of her insecurities" and said that while she had insisted, he had never agreed.

 

It seems the way you're viewing it is that it is almost exclusively a case of someone external, the insecure/jealous spouse, imposing the label on a clearly platonic friendship. However, most of the time when EAs are brought up, in my experience, especially on LS, it's not a jealous spouse doing the accusing but the person themselves engaged in it who admits that that's what it is/was for them.

 

There are three possibilities: 1)people themselves self-reflecting and coming to that conclusion that their relationship is not just a platonic friendship 2)a jealous or insecure spouse who is wrongfully calling a platonic friendship that 3) a reasonable spouse who realizes that their SO's friendship with someone is out of bounds.

 

I don't personally understand the dismissal of EAs as a thing, since it is evident that most people don't just wake up in an affair, but many stories of affairs start with inappropriate friendships that then turned more and then people say "we didn't plan for it to happen." Affairs are a process that usually start with sharing emotional intimacies and closeness with someone in a manner you would a romantic partner more than a friend. We don't relate emotionally to friends in the same way we do romantic interests...this isn't profound. We ALL know, if we have any self-awareness, when we begin to feel more for someone than just regular old friend and in this man's case, he has said as much. An EA is often that kind of over-sharing precursor to a physical affair. In my own A, we never did anything physical until a year in, all we did was talk on the phone, video chat, text, all of those things. It of course became explicitly romantic but in the very beginning it wasn't, but for someone who was in a relationship he shouldn't have been calling me late at night or sharing certain things he did and so on. If he hadn't, romantic feelings would have never developed.

 

 

The things I've bolded in your post are also part of why his wife may be suspicious. I had to laugh when I read them. I was like let's see...this man is your friend but he thinks of you as the one who got away (and apparently voiced this to his daughter of all people who then told you), he STILL carries a torch for you, he only married his wife as a rebound because he thought he lost you, you don't like his wife, she's also never met you, yet you and her husband are close friends...but she is an insane jealous woman for thinking something is wrong with this friendship. Okay...

 

An EA cannot be one-sided, but the person with the inappropriate feelings and actions doesn't get off because the other person doesn't feel the same. Even if you don't like him, he is behaving inappropriately. Also, as a friend I have male friends with gfs and wives: I know their wives, I am friendly with them (even if I don't necessarily like them, my friend chose to be with them so I show them respect), I am a friend of their relationship, I don't spend copious amounts of time sharing with their husband, I go out of my way to make sure that nothing seems untoward, they carry no flame or torch for me or me them, it's all on the up and up.

 

I think it is disingenuous for him or you to treat this woman as though she is insecure and loony when his behaviors are not above board. In your husband's case he is of course fine with it because you do not carry a torch for this man, never have, you aren't telling your kid you do and your kid isn't telling this man you do, this man has never expressed disliking your husband, you've never said this man is someone who got away and you've rebounded with your husband etc. The opposite is not true though and that's what matters in terms of his wife's response.

 

The woman isn't irrational. For example, I am not a particularly jealous person and if I'm married I expect that my husband and I will have our boundaries when it comes on to opposite sex friendships. Transparency is the key. Making sure they know my friends and if I had a friend I found out who liked me, I would curtail that friendship out of respect for the relationship, not belittle their wife or ask them if they think we're in an EA. Curious: why didn't you ask him about what his daughter said? Wasn't that more curious to you since you see him as just a friend and now found out his feelings are not 100% platonic? I would think you'd address that aspect. How are his admitted feelings not being questioned and the wife's are when she is right to suspect her husband doesn't see you as just a friend?

 

I do not expect my husband to have a female friend who explicitly dislikes me, where he is telling our child he carries a flame for this friend, where he's admitted to the daughter or the friend that he's rebounded with me because he lost her, where she and I have never met, and where he values talking to this "friend" more than he values our relationship to where he belittles my legitimate feelings and tells this "friend" I'm just insecure. This guy is an asshat. If he doesn't respect or value his wife, then leave her be, but don't tell your kid you have a torch for some other woman to the point your kid is telling the woman she wishes she were her stepmom, then turn around and act like the wife is insane for finding this troublesome...I mean come on

Edited May 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Popsicle]

I used to be so proud that my H was able to get close to female friends, enjoy their company and offer them support when life got hard. I thought it meant he was a decent man. I was achingly cool about it all - why shouldn't men and women be close without sex getting in the way. I was so effing cool I was almost glacial. Then he had an A. I am a lot less cool now - I hate that.

 

You shouldn't hate it. You are smart.

[velvette]

 

 

 

The woman isn't irrational. For example, I am not a particularly jealous person and if I'm married I expect that my husband and I will have our boundaries when it comes on to opposite sex friendships. Transparency is the key. Making sure they know my friends and if I had a friend I found out who liked me, I would curtail that friendship out of respect for the relationship, not belittle their wife or ask them if they think we're in an EA. Curious: why didn't you ask him about what his daughter said? Wasn't that more curious to you since you see him as just a friend and now found out his feelings are not 100% platonic? I would think you'd address that aspect. How are his admitted feelings not being questioned and the wife's are when she is right to suspect her husband doesn't see you as just a friend?

 

I do not expect my husband to have a female friend who explicitly dislikes me, where he is telling our child he carries a flame for this friend, where he's admitted to the daughter or the friend that he's rebounded with me because he lost her, where she and I have never met, and where he values talking to this "friend" more than he values our relationship to where he belittles my legitimate feelings and tells this "friend" I'm just insecure. This guy is an asshat. If he doesn't respect or value his wife, then leave her be, but don't tell your kid you have a torch for some other woman to the point your kid is telling the woman she wishes she were her stepmom, then turn around and act like the wife is insane for finding this troublesome...I mean come on

 

 

Exactly, it hardly matters if its an EA, because its been an inappropriate friendship since OP involved herself in whether or not her friend should marry his wife. Not to mention, OP probably missed that the whole reason it was brought up to her in the beginning was to get her reaction to the fact that he was marrying someone else if its true he had feelings for her.

 

 

I cant imagine telling a friend of any sex who they should marry or not. People of different religious/spiritual values marry all the time and do just fine. The only thing appropriate to point out if a friend brings this concern up is to discuss the difference in values with the intended spouse and be sure they both can live with the differences.

 

 

Seems the wife is the only one in this situation that has healthy boundaries. She understands that tolerating her husbands friendship with someone who both dislikes her and displays disdain/disrespect for her and her marriage is not in her best interest.

[MissBee]

Exactly, it hardly matters if its an EA, because its been an inappropriate friendship since OP involved herself in whether or not her friend should marry his wife. Not to mention, OP probably missed that the whole reason it was brought up to her in the beginning was to get her reaction to the fact that he was marrying someone else if its true he had feelings for her.

 

 

I cant imagine telling a friend of any sex who they should marry or not. People of different religious/spiritual values marry all the time and do just fine. The only thing appropriate to point out if a friend brings this concern up is to discuss the difference in values with the intended spouse and be sure they both can live with the differences.

 

 

Seems the wife is the only one in this situation that has healthy boundaries. She understands that tolerating her husbands friendship with someone who both dislikes her and displays disdain/disrespect for her and her marriage is not in her best interest.

 

 

I do think there is a problem with boundaries here, from this man telling his daughter these things, to the daughter reaching out to cocorico, to the actual friendship. And that's what characterizes EAs largely- inappropriate or severely compromised boundaries or plain none at all.

 

I think some people are intentional about getting into affairs, others simply have horrible boundaries or no concept of such and that's usually the friendship turned EA turned PA, "it just happened" set, in my observation. There are certain ways I conduct my friendships, especially opposite sex ones, and certain ways I don't. At the end of the day, if my friend is someone I could potentially have any attraction for, I am careful about this esp when either of us is in a relationship. I don't harbor any secret attraction towards any of my male friends, but most are decent, good looking guys that I can see how it might be possible that should we spend lots of alone time together or start sharing emotionally in certain ways something more could develop.

 

I might voice my concerns to a friend who asked but ultimately though, if they still choose to marry this person, then I will respect their choice and will not continue to express negative opinions about the spouse. Coco, curious: did you attend their wedding? Since you haven't met I suppose not. But, in any event, if my friend is a close friend, and they have a partner, I go out of my way to be respectful, cordial, friendly with the partner, esp if the friend is a guy. I have had guy friends who I might text or call and ask something at 10pm, no big deal when single. If I know they have a gf or worse a wife however, I would no longer do that. Why? I have boundaries. I don't want to even put myself or them in an awkward or compromising position so I act accordingly. If I invite them to something, I always invite the gf/wife along too. If I see them in person I always greet both of them and things of that nature where I acknowledge that they are a couple and I cannot simply ignore her and be friends with him.

 

If my guy friend had a wife and said she was uncomfortable with our friendship, even if I didn't agree, I'd err on the side of toning down whatever it was she felt uncomfortable with or just bow out. If he on his own decides she is irrational, he can choose to break it off with this woman. If he wants to stay married to her then he has to respect her wishes or come to some compromise. But personally, as his friend, I wouldn't expect him to choose me over his wife and here coco, you have to admit you've done NOTHING to make this woman think highly of you...she doesn't even know you, yet you are her husband's close friend. I would find him really disrespectful if he was belittling his wife's feelings and placing mine above hers. We are FRIENDS...I'm not your OW or lover...your wife trumps me...period. And it should be a honking red flag, as the "friend", if your friend is perfectly fine with you never meeting his wife, belittling the wife's feelings to you and the rest...I mean....that to me would alert me that maybe this friend was looking for more with me hence his comfort with this situation of me and him against the wife and it only matters if he and I think we're in an EA not his wife. RED FLAG! In NO MARRIAGE should it EVER be the case that it's you and your opposite sex friend against the wife, or where this friend dislikes your wife and has never even met her, but you two can laugh it up and chat and have a friendship given this and then he laughs off her rightful suspicion in this case that it's more and tells you she's insecure. He's an ass...period...and I'm not really quite sure how any of this is even debatable that he's justified in his behavior.

Edited May 24, 2015 by MissBee