What constitutes an EA?

[beatcuff]

what is the difference between a spouse's insecurity, and an EA? What exactly is an EA, and how does it differ from a really close friendship?

 

sorry to steer this back to OP (and i apologize in advance as this is not well written):

 

it just appears that some believe once vows are spoken that the opposite sex is now off-limits. you must sever all friendships (with opposite sex), have no discussions without another present (a/k/a chaperone), hand over all passwords (to prevent the possibility of one starting) ---- that all sounds like insecurity.

 

and is further supported with 'trust but verify'. which on its face is NOT trust.

 

it seems that EA's are nothing but one partners attempt to justify their own insecurities and allow them to institute 'control'. we can all find justification for a stand (in fact just about any stand) but that does not make it correct.

 

it also ignores that we are sexual beings and that 'area' is not eliminated upon M. maybe if it was communicated more: "your friend is hot", it can be addressed and mollified. instead we prefer to ignore then use a hammer.

 

Can an EA be one-sided, or does it have to be reciprocated?

 

what? as in a 'crush'... have we not all experienced it...

 

further: it can. it has. i lived it. a couple we hung with (for years), the W became infatuated with me. it was obvious to others and was for a time uncomfortable. once i was certain, i distanced myself. btw there was NEVER anything more than a hug when leaving (yes, in front of the spouses). in fact i never had her phone number.

 

this is my biggest problem: some would run down the street 'to expose'. so i, an innocent party, would be assumed to be an active participant and treated as same.

 

which is why an EA is a world of difference from a PA.

[truncated]

It's impossible to say what the wife in this situation feels for sure, or why she feels the way she does.

 

If she is suspicious, why would that be? Who knows what her husband has told her about how he feels, about the op and what she is like, or anything else.

 

It's easy to dismiss her feelings and say she's being controlling, paranoid, or what have you, but from her point of view, there could be very legitimate reasons for her to not be particularly fond of this friendship.

 

Could be he has cheated on her in the past, maybe he told her the op flirted with him ( to deflect attention away from his own feelings and actions) ,maybe he told his wife the op "gets around", or even told her he had a thing for her.

 

It would be hubris to assume the op knows the whole story.

 

For what it's worth, how many spouses would feel that a friendship that involved any of the above was acceptable?

[cocorico]

It's impossible to say what the wife in this situation feels for sure, or why she feels the way she does.

 

If she is suspicious, why would that be? Who knows what her husband has told her about how he feels, about the op and what she is like, or anything else.

 

It's easy to dismiss her feelings and say she's being controlling, paranoid, or what have you, but from her point of view, there could be very legitimate reasons for her to not be particularly fond of this friendship.

 

Could be he has cheated on her in the past, maybe he told her the op flirted with him ( to deflect attention away from his own feelings and actions) ,maybe he told his wife the op "gets around", or even told her he had a thing for her.

 

It would be hubris to assume the op knows the whole story.

 

For what it's worth, how many spouses would feel that a friendship that involved any of the above was acceptable?

 

"Gets around" - what is this, the 1950s?

 

Just FTR, I know few couples where flirting, a crush, or "getting around" would rule out a friendship. Prior "cheating" is a possible exception as I don't personally know any couples where I know there has been a history of infidelity with the couple having stayed together and there still being unresolved issues of trust, so I can't comment on that. Certainly, I would not try to block my H from a friendship with someone who flirted with him, or "got around", or he crushed on / crushed on him. I don't want him to be married to me becUse he's prevented from other possibilities; I want him to be with me because he chooses to be.

 

And yes, he did have friends that fall into those categories - including one who definitely wanted to jump his bones and told him so at the time - and no, I don't feel remotely threatened by any of them. They're our friends now, but he does still have occasion to see them on his own from time to time, and I'm perfectly cool with that.

[truncated]

"Gets around" - what is this, the 1950s?

 

Just FTR, I know few couples where flirting, a crush, or "getting around" would rule out a friendship. Prior "cheating" is a possible exception as I don't personally know any couples where I know there has been a history of infidelity with the couple having stayed together and there still being unresolved issues of trust, so I can't comment on that. Certainly, I would not try to block my H from a friendship with someone who flirted with him, or "got around", or he crushed on / crushed on him. I don't want him to be married to me becUse he's prevented from other possibilities; I want him to be with me because he chooses to be.

 

And yes, he did have friends that fall into those categories - including one who definitely wanted to jump his bones and told him so at the time - and no, I don't feel remotely threatened by any of them. They're our friends now, but he does still have occasion to see them on his own from time to time, and I'm perfectly cool with that.

 

Sorry I'm not as sophisticated and progressive as you , but glad you found my choice of euphemisms so amusing

 

None of what you say is the point. It's not about how you feel about your husband, it's about how she feels about hers, and it sounds like she has good reason to worry about him.

 

Based on what you say, it sounds like he is hiding her friendship with you from her right now, which is hardly an honest way to conduct oneself.

It also sounds like he is not honest with you either.

 

While you may not be interested in him romantically, his own words indicate that he feels that way about you, and one would hope you;d have enough respect for her, as a fellow human being, to end the friendship, as it sounds like it;s not really an honest one anyway, which would indicate that it's nowhere as deep as you may have though it to be. Why continue a friendship which, by your own account, consists of mostly on line discussions about politics, etc. if you know it's dishonest and hurting someone else?

Edited May 29, 2015 by truncated

[Noirek]

Of course Emotional affairs exsist. Denying they do is minimizing someone's pain who has experienced it. I know a couple going through exactly this besides me. I know countless stories that are more than jealous spouse stories. The current couple the H denies the EA and simply claims he behaved inappropriately with these women. Of course they exchanged ILYs and "if we had met first" and "if I didn't have a child". How could you call that anything but an emotional affair. Specially the one that lasted 4 years? Body fluid does not have to be exchanges for an affair to take place. But thanks to the poeple who promote the ignorance about EAs for who knows what reason, these betrayed spouse's are often felt that the problem is them and their "insecurities".

 

I don't think the OP is in an EA. as was said, it is one sided and so doesn't fit. But I do think the friend wishes it were.

[minimariah]

Certainly, I would not try to block my H from a friendship with someone who flirted with him, or "got around", or he crushed on / crushed on him.

 

you would most definitely have a problem with your H mantaining a close friendship with someone he has romantic feelings for. that's the most important fact of this entire story that you keep ignoring - your friend has (had) romantic feelings for you & that's why his close friendship with you is inappropriate. is that really so hard to understand?

[minimariah]

further: it can. it has. i lived it. a couple we hung with (for years), the W became infatuated with me.

 

an affair is a relationship - you gotta have at least TWO interested folks in it.

 

that being said -- an affair cannot ever be one-sided. what you described isn't an EA, that's a case of an unrequited love.

[anika99]

sorry to steer this back to OP (and i apologize in advance as this is not well written):

 

it just appears that some believe once vows are spoken that the opposite sex is now off-limits. you must sever all friendships (with opposite sex), have no discussions without another present (a/k/a chaperone), hand over all passwords (to prevent the possibility of one starting) ---- that all sounds like insecurity.

 

and is further supported with 'trust but verify'. which on its face is NOT trust.

 

it seems that EA's are nothing but one partners attempt to justify their own insecurities and allow them to institute 'control'. we can all find justification for a stand (in fact just about any stand) but that does not make it correct.

 

it also ignores that we are sexual beings and that 'area' is not eliminated upon M. maybe if it was communicated more: "your friend is hot", it can be addressed and mollified. instead we prefer to ignore then use a hammer.

 

 

 

what? as in a 'crush'... have we not all experienced it...

 

further: it can. it has. i lived it. a couple we hung with (for years), the W became infatuated with me. it was obvious to others and was for a time uncomfortable. once i was certain, i distanced myself. btw there was NEVER anything more than a hug when leaving (yes, in front of the spouses). in fact i never had her phone number.

 

this is my biggest problem: some would run down the street 'to expose'. so i, an innocent party, would be assumed to be an active participant and treated as same.

 

which is why an EA is a world of difference from a PA.

 

 

It's like you haven't understood a single post written in this thread. Everyone has already stated that an EA is between two people that have feelings for each other. Everyone has already stated that the OP's friendship is not an EA because she does not share her friend's romantic feelings.

 

Your friendship with the W who became infatuated with you was also not an EA because you didn't have the same feelings for her and there was nothing to expose. However what if you also had a crush on her? What if you started communicating with each other in secret behind the spouse's back and declaring your true love for each other? Is that still an acceptable friendship to you?

[beatcuff]

It's like you haven't understood a single post written in this thread. Everyone has already stated that an EA is between two people that have feelings for each other. Everyone has already stated that the OP's friendship is not an EA because she does not share her friend's romantic feelings.

 

maybe i have not, maybe i am just not that bright OR maybe i have seen numerous posts on this board which state (with confidence) an EA progressed to a PA or will shortly (but means not, i think).

 

please help me find, when a BS is presented with evidence about the WS feelings, a post in which the BS should confirm the AP was in fact an AP (was in on it: for us simpletons).

 

and please explain why i can not express my opinion on this thread, which was on topic to which you took time to respond (but not to the main theme of my post) and yet you did not complain about a single thread jacker: my evidence see post #64.