Fiance cheated while I was deployed

[sandylee1]

We will just have to disagree. Meddling in the boss' marriage because his fiance slept with the boss, will only come back to hurt the OP.

 

The boss' wife will find out about her husband's affair, but that information doesn't need to come from the OP.

 

Why do you insist that the OP take on 2 strangers' marriage problems on top of his own relationship problems? How will that help the OP sort his own problem out? It won't. It will just add more stress for him. Now he'll have the wife calling/texting him demanding details that he doesn't have. (Just a guess that's what would happen)

 

I have been cheated on too. But, I didn't take it upon myself to tell the boyfriend of the other woman that he was being cheated on. Why would I? That was between them. I just focused on my own healing and my ex-bf. My job isn't to solve other people's relationship issues. Only my own.

 

So, I guess your preference is that you would tell the spouse of the cheater? Have you done that? If you haven't done that, then why advise it?

 

The OP will have to decide for himself what he's comfortable doing. Hopefully our different views will help him decide what's the best route for him to take.

 

You're right. We'll agree to disagree.

[whichwayisup]

Carrie, Writergal, thank you.

 

It is hard enough adjusting back to civilian life, I was looking forward to marriage, children, etc.

 

There is no way I can ever forgive her, ever, no matter what her gripe or excuse was. She was pregnant with another mans baby and cheated. She is ruined in my eyes. I could never trust her or sleep with her again.

 

I haven't eaten in two days. I don't deserve this. One of my best friends who is female, wants to stay the night w/me so I am not alone. I don't know if that is the right thing to do.

 

The lawyer thing I am going to look into.

 

You are doing the right thing by not marrying her.

 

Of course you don't deserve it! Your fiancee is selfish and made some real stupid choices and now the consequences are, she loses you! She has nobody to blame but herself. Shame on her!

 

As for your woman best friend, a big NO for her sleeping over. You are a grown man and if you need company go to a guy friends house or a family member. You are vulnerable right now, and if your woman friend is married or involved with someone it's just asking for issues there. Besides if she's single you don't want to be taken advantage of. Listen to your gut, you're not sure, so don't do it.

[Satu]

Your top priority should be taking good care of yourself.

 

Don't go too long without eating. Force yourself to eat something, even if its just a protein/sports bar. Drink enough water.

 

Surround yourself with people who are rock-solid friends.

 

Build a fence around yourself, as a previous poster said.

 

She might start 'love bombing' you. Be prepared for that, and don't allow it. Protestations of love from her will only cause you more upset.

 

You will go through every feeling known to humanity before this is over, but you will be ok.

 

Keep posting. There are fine people here will support you.

[RobbieA]

I have decided that tomorrow, Memorial Day (how ironic), I am going to drop off the evidence, and proceed from there. I do not intend to answer her phone calls, texts etc.

 

After she receives the proof that she betrayed me, I will contact the Wedding Planner and start dismantling the wedding. When that is done, I think I am going to send out a tweet saying the wedding is cancelled, with no explanation.

 

I haven't decided if I should shame her. I am on the fence about that. One thing I am certain of is that she will never be a part of my life again.

[writergal]

Your top priority should be taking good care of yourself.

 

Don't go too long without eating. Force yourself to eat something, even if its just a protein/sports bar. Drink enough water.

 

Surround yourself with people who are rock-solid friends.

 

Build a fence around yourself, as a previous poster said.

 

She might start 'love bombing' you. Be prepared for that, and don't allow it. Protestations of love from her will only cause you more upset.

 

You will go through every feeling known to humanity before this is over, but you will be ok.

 

Keep posting. There are fine people here will support you.

 

This is good advice. ^

 

Don't accept responsibility for your fiance's cheating. She chose to do it so that's her own fault. And don't waste your time trying to figure out your fiance. Focus on your energy on yourself and what you want.

[writergal]

I have decided that tomorrow, Memorial Day (how ironic), I am going to drop off the evidence, and proceed from there. I do not intend to answer her phone calls, texts etc.

 

After she receives the proof that she betrayed me, I will contact the Wedding Planner and start dismantling the wedding. When that is done, I think I am going to send out a tweet saying the wedding is cancelled, with no explanation.

 

I haven't decided if I should shame her. I am on the fence about that. One thing I am certain of is that she will never be a part of my life again.

 

Good plan RobbieA. Good plan. I hope it goes well tomorrow for you. The irony is definitely fitting. You are doing the right thing. In the words of that master Jedi Obi Wan Kenobi, "may the force be with you."

[Friskyone4u]

Robbie

 

First, thank you for your service. You did not deserve this. Don't even bother to give her the satisfaction of even talking to you . Have one of you r friends or sisters give her the evidence .

Now if her friends had taken the position not to get involved you would not know anything and would be in a marriage with a woman who betrayed you for a year.

 

The moral thing to do is to tell his wife. She deserves to know she is living with a man who is cheating on her . You do not get involved as someone else said . Just give her copies of your evidence and leave it at that and tell her you are sorry .

It sounds like you have a good support system between family and friends . And I would definitely personally thank her friends . Too often we read about friends either enabling or encouraging the affair . It's too bad your fiancé disk not have the morals of her friends

[Satu]

Hold your head up Robbie, and carry yourself with pride.

 

You're one of the good guys.

[RobbieA]

Robbie

 

First, thank you for your service. You did not deserve this. Don't even bother to give her the satisfaction of even talking to you . Have one of you r friends or sisters give her the evidence .

Now if her friends had taken the position not to get involved you would not know anything and would be in a marriage with a woman who betrayed you for a year.

 

The moral thing to do is to tell his wife. She deserves to know she is living with a man who is cheating on her . You do not get involved as someone else said . Just give her copies of your evidence and leave it at that and tell her you are sorry .

It sounds like you have a good support system between family and friends . And I would definitely personally thank her friends . Too often we read about friends either enabling or encouraging the affair . It's too bad your fiancé disk not have the morals of her friends

 

Her friends are good people. They know the sacrifices I have made both personally and service related. At first I was in denial, but as it turns out, it is true, they have nothing to gain. They were very disgusted at what she has done. I am however lucky enough to have a good support system.

 

People are going to want to know what happened, as our relationship from the outside seemed movie like, I will not lie about what transpired.

 

I am not sure that the boss is even married, I just realized that.

[No Limit]

She was pregnant with another mans baby and cheated.

 

Is she currently pregnant or was that in the past?

 

Also, about "shaming" her - see if you can't bust her boss. Would be a shame if maybe his wife wouldn't know that she's sharing her husband.

[carhill]

I am not sure that the boss is even married, I just realized that.

Easy enough to determine at the County Clerk's office or web site (marriage license), or county recorder's office/web site (legal document recording) or assessor's office/web site (property tax/business tax information). It's all public record. Social hacks work too.

 

I hope the evidence is verifiable independently.

 

My sympathies.

 

I wouldn't exist but for a young mother with two daughters cheating on her husband while he was away on the fields of battle in Italy some 70 years ago. He divorced her and later married my mother. I saw the evidence. Hope things work out.

[Chi townD]

If it were me, dude. I wouldn't confront her about it right now. I WOULD start calling the venue and cancel the date. Called the church and cancel, call the florist and cancel, call the baker's and cancel, call the photographer and cancel. Call the wedding planner and let him/her know that they are no longer needed.

 

Get all of your ducks in a row and when you've cancelled everything, THEN you should confront her. You should be able to just walk away right after. You've cancelled everything, so there would be nothing tying you to her.

 

 

Just walk away.

[RobbieA]

Walking away is hard enough, and I have no other choice but doing so. I just asked her friend (one of the three) the bosses name and I will do some investigating to see if he is married.

 

You are all wonderful people for giving me your thoughts on this.

 

Either way since I have no say in any of this, I want to be the one to cancel everything, I want her to know it is my decision.

 

I will keep everyone apprised of what transpires tomorrow. Again thank you all.

 

Robbie

[No Limit]

Wishing you lots of strength. You've been handled a full plate to work off.

[Friskyone4u]

Stay strong Robbie . Not what one of our military heroes should be going through on Memorial Day. I am sure we will all be rooting for you

Robbie , one more thing. Be prepared she is going to frantically try to hunt you down tomorrow all full of tears telling you how sorry she is or lying to you or attempting to. This was not a ONS or a mistake as she will call it

 

Don't fall for it

Edited May 24, 2015 by Friskyone4u

[bubbaganoosh]

I was in your boots a long time ago. Back in 68 I was engaged to a girl who I loved very much. We got engaged when I cam e home form Vietnam. After a 45 day leave I went to Germany. We wrote all the time and in Oct She wrote and told me she was pregnant and wanted to know if I wanted her and the baby. Told her I did and would come home Christmas and get married. Two weeks after we married I found out the baby wasn't mine and she married me to become a dependent and good old Uncle Sam took care of the doctor and hospital bills. The real father got off scot free and she married him after I divorced her.

 

My advice to you is this. Go get your ring. Have proof in hand and let her know that it's over, no need to explain because you know all about it, take the ring, pawn it and use the money on yourself.

 

Don't ask questions. One question will lead to another and I found out 40 years later when I got her reasons, they weren't valid and they never will be. Just move on, let your wounds heal and you'll get over it in time. Trust me. I waited 40 years for her to tell me why and it did no good.

[RobbieA]

I was in your boots a long time ago. Back in 68 I was engaged to a girl who I loved very much. We got engaged when I cam e home form Vietnam. After a 45 day leave I went to Germany. We wrote all the time and in Oct She wrote and told me she was pregnant and wanted to know if I wanted her and the baby. Told her I did and would come home Christmas and get married. Two weeks after we married I found out the baby wasn't mine and she married me to become a dependent and good old Uncle Sam took care of the doctor and hospital bills. The real father got off scot free and she married him after I divorced her.

 

My advice to you is this. Go get your ring. Have proof in hand and let her know that it's over, no need to explain because you know all about it, take the ring, pawn it and use the money on yourself.

 

Don't ask questions. One question will lead to another and I found out 40 years later when I got her reasons, they weren't valid and they never will be. Just move on, let your wounds heal and you'll get over it in time. Trust me. I waited 40 years for her to tell me why and it did no good.

 

Bubba it is very upsetting reading your story brother. I am glad you made it through that experience. A life lesson I guess ?

 

As much as I am hurting right now, I do not want to hear her reasons as nothing can justify her actions. I do not even want to hear her voice. I know I might sound bitter but the thought of her makes me sick.

 

The wounds she caused me are not linear like a when you get stitches, who knows how long it takes for me heal, if I ever heal.

[Popsicle]

First, thank you for your service.

 

She's probably going to say it was because you didn't marry her in 8 years.

Edited May 25, 2015 by Popsicle

[RobbieA]

She's probably going to say it was because you didn't marry her in 8 years.

 

If that was the case, which I know it not to be, she never once mentioned a word, and she was pretty open about her feelings in the relationship. Now, I won't ever marry her, which is her loss, not mine.

[Satu]

It doesn't matter what she says, or might say, she said it all by her actions.

[Popsicle]

Be glad this happened before you got married.

[TG1]

Dear OP,

 

Honestly I would suggest just manning up and confronting her with the evidence of her cheating and then take things from there. I do want to thank you for your service and honestly the world needs good men out there like you and I respect and admire you for doing what you do serving your country. I am not even arguing or excusing or condoning what your fiancee did but at the same time I guess she just caved under the pressure of military life even though she did say that she loved you and she would wait for you but she clearly didn't wait long enough because she was having an affair with her boss and got pregnant. But even so I guess it was the distance more or less that killed your guys' relationship even though she knew what she was getting into but that is still no excuse considering you are out there on the front line.

 

I can't blame you for not wanting to see her or not even wanting to talk to her at all but I pose a question to you OP, that question being do you still love her?

 

If you do and I think you still do, then can you really cut her out of your life? Especially considering she still owns such a huge piece of your heart, you guys have history and that can't be erased good or bad

 

But at the same time I would suggest confronting her and then telling her that you can find it in your heart to forgive her some day but that as far as you and her are concerned yes you definitely need to end it and walk away but then tell her that you will always love her but as far as ever being with her ever again or trusting her ever again I think that is out of the question

[RobbieA]

Dear OP,

 

Honestly I would suggest just manning up and confronting her with the evidence of her cheating and then take things from there. I do want to thank you for your service and honestly the world needs good men out there like you and I respect and admire you for doing what you do serving your country. I am not even arguing or excusing or condoning what your fiancee did but at the same time I guess she just caved under the pressure of military life even though she did say that she loved you and she would wait for you but she clearly didn't wait long enough because she was having an affair with her boss and got pregnant. But even so I guess it was the distance more or less that killed your guys' relationship even though she knew what she was getting into but that is still no excuse considering you are out there on the front line.

 

I can't blame you for not wanting to see her or not even wanting to talk to her at all but I pose a question to you OP, that question being do you still love her?

 

If you do and I think you still do, then can you really cut her out of your life? Especially considering she still owns such a huge piece of your heart, you guys have history and that can't be erased good or bad

 

But at the same time I would suggest confronting her and then telling her that you can find it in your heart to forgive her some day but that as far as you and her are concerned yes you definitely need to end it and walk away but then tell her that you will always love her but as far as ever being with her ever again or trusting her ever again I think that is out of the question

 

Me confronting her has nothing to do with me "manning up". It would give her the satisfaction of seeing me, pour crocodile tears, and also seeing me emotionally vulnerable, none of which I feel she is entitled to.

 

Do I love her ? Yes, that does not dissipate in ten minutes. Can I find it in my heart to forgive her? Absolutely not. She perpetrated the ultimate betrayal, resulting in getting pregnant. The thought of her being ruined and impregnated by someone else sickens me, and sure will not settle for someone who will spread her legs while I am a thousand miles away.

 

As far as the distance and Marine Corps lifestyle, plenty of conversations were had and she never complained about it. The mature thing to do would be to communicate instead of being passive aggressive and cheating.

 

We had a plan, for marriage, to live a life, have a family. She ruined it. Not me.

[I_Give_Up67]

Me confronting her has nothing to do with me "manning up". It would give her the satisfaction of seeing me, pour crocodile tears, and also seeing me emotionally vulnerable, none of which I feel she is entitled to.

 

Do I love her ? Yes, that does not dissipate in ten minutes. Can I find it in my heart to forgive her? Absolutely not. She perpetrated the ultimate betrayal, resulting in getting pregnant. The thought of her being ruined and impregnated by someone else sickens me, and sure will not settle for someone who will spread her legs while I am a thousand miles away.

 

As far as the distance and Marine Corps lifestyle, plenty of conversations were had and she never complained about it. The mature thing to do would be to communicate instead of being passive aggressive and cheating.

 

We had a plan, for marriage, to live a life, have a family. She ruined it. Not me.

 

^^^^ Wish I could give this reply a thousand likes! ^^^^

 

OP you are handling this situation correctly! Your plan is a good one.

[drifter777]

I just watched this very story on an infidelity program on Opra's network. Exactly. That true story ended with him re-deploying, her having the kid & sending him pictures. He burned the pictures and filed for divorce. Several years later neither had remarried and both were just living their lives. Typical sad, sad story of infidelity.