Fiance cheated while I was deployed

[writergal]

I had a chance to sit down with two of the friends who blew the whistle, and I found out some more information, not that it matters at all.

 

My ex (no doubt in my mind we are done) has been at her job for quite some time, the boss who she cheated on me with was new. My ex took down the photos of me and us in her cubicle. There is a good chance he didn't even know I existed. If that is the fact, can I really blame him? The blame is on her. She must carry the weight of her actions.

 

I may appear strong, but I have my moments. I do belong to a Mix Martial Arts gym, so I definitely have an outlet for letting pent up feelings out. I am on a quest for a Therapist as I cannot do this alone. I have a great family and good friends but maybe a therapist's insight will help me cope better.

 

Wow. Well the fault is on your ex-fiance. That's for sure. Doesn't matter one bit if her boss is new or well established at her company. If she removed her photos with you from her Facebook page, and added her new/old boss, that's pretty deceitful and callous.

 

Of course she tried to blame her friends for her actions, "don't believe them b/c they have a crush on you." Pft. How dumb does she think you are? Seriously?

 

It was good for to be around people today at your friend's bbq. Surround yourself with activity to give your day structure. It will also keep your mind occupied and give you a much needed mental break to just enjoy being with friends.

 

Hopefully your ex-fiance will surrender her engagement ring to your sister tomorrow, but don't hold your breathe. You may have to go the legal route to get it.

 

It's good that you sent out a tweet/Facebook announcement today about the engagement being cancelled. Now you just have to contact the wedding planner to cancel the venue and the food, and get your money refunded.

 

Definitely find a good therapist. I recommend a therapist who has experience with cognitive therapy for depression. CBT is has been around since 1950. It's based on the theory that what we feel is tied to our thinking patterns. Regarding depression; CBT views depression as being caused by distorted thinking patterns. Plenty of research online about it. It's a self-actualized kind of therapy versus plain ol talk therapy where you just sit and listen to a therapist babble.

 

Are those 3 friends still friends with your ex-fiance or has this event forced them to rethink their friendship with her, I wonder. I know myself well if I had a friend who cheated on her husband while he was gone for a year, I'd end the friendship with her and spill the beans to her husband out of respect for his feelings, because I have zero respect for people who cheat.

 

You're smart and on the right track with everything that you're doing. Don't pay any attention to the advice on here that tells you to confront your ex-fiance's boss, and to tell the boss' significant other. It's bad advice for obvious reasons.

[whichwayisup]

She is blocked from texting/calling me. I do believe in karma, as I emailed several relatives and friends back and told them what happened, I didn't go into detail, I merely said, "She was unfaithful and the wedding is off".

 

I have her one friend looking into if the boss is married, if he is, I am not sure how to proceed in contacting his spouse and or girlfriend.

 

I cannot for the life of me figure out why her friends who have known her longer then I have would risk their friendship just to tell me the truth about her affair. I know some people would take their friends secrets to the grave.

 

My dog is acting funny, I think he knows something is going on.

 

Because her friends like you and respect you, they thought you were going to marry their friend and live happily ever after. They knew what she was doing was wrong and it's good that they found the courage to tell you. The fallout now is all because of your ex's choices and actions.

 

Your dog is picking up on the emotions, they are sensitive creatures and know when something ain't right.

 

Counseling will help you cope with this in a healthy way and so you can grieve and process everything and come out of it stronger and not be afraid to get involved with someone else in the (far) future. To say you'll never love again is how you feel now but in a couple of years, who knows! You may meet someone who makes your heart skip a beat and want to take that chance.

[Satu]

Whether you tell the affair partner or not is your free choice.

 

Do what feels right to you, regardless of other people's opinions.

[writergal]

She is blocked from texting/calling me. I do believe in karma, as I emailed several relatives and friends back and told them what happened, I didn't go into detail, I merely said, "She was unfaithful and the wedding is off".

 

I have her one friend looking into if the boss is married, if he is, I am not sure how to proceed in contacting his spouse and or girlfriend.

 

I cannot for the life of me figure out why her friends who have known her longer then I have would risk their friendship just to tell me the truth about her affair. I know some people would take their friends secrets to the grave.

 

My dog is acting funny, I think he knows something is going on.

 

You don't need to share any details with anyone about your situation. What you've told them is all they need to know.

 

Like I said, the posters who advise you to see out the boss for a confrontation, just advise that because they want to be entertained so-to-speak. It would not help you in any way to bother confronting your ex-fiance's boss or his significant other if he has one. What would that accomplish, other than to get you in some kind of trouble.

 

Her friends should have told you much sooner than a year. I don't get why they waited this long to spill the beans on your ex-fiance. That seems a little off to me. But at least they finally told you. They risked their friendship with your ex-fiance because they lost respect for her, and felt bad for you and respected you more than her. Time will tell if they choose to remain friends with your ex-fiance.

 

Your dog can sense your anxiety and stress about this situation. Dogs are attuned to their humans' emotional health. That's why they are like family. Their love and companionship is unconditional love at its purest. Dogs are lovely creatures. Take your dogs for lots of walks, and to the dog park. It will do you both some good.

[Steen719]

I did not tell my XH's AP's H. I chose not to. I did talk to the OW via facebook message. It gave me some more information that I didn't have, although it didn't matter. He was throwing her under the bus...what a prince!

 

She had 2 children about the same age as my son, who was 20. I didn't care about her at all, but I decided that I could not be a part of them feeling like my son did. He was devastated and his relationship has not been the same with his dad since

 

I felt bad about her H not being told, but when I weighed the choices, it was the decision I made. I have never regretted it. I was angry and hurt, but I felt that XH was the one who had betrayed me. He owed me better; she owed me nothing.

 

So sorry you are going through this. There are many wonderful women out there who will be loving, honest and faithful to you. You will heal. It takes time, but you will get there. Best to you.

[bubbaganoosh]

I had a chance to sit down with two of the friends who blew the whistle, and I found out some more information, not that it matters at all.

 

My ex (no doubt in my mind we are done) has been at her job for quite some time, the boss who she cheated on me with was new. My ex took down the photos of me and us in her cubicle. There is a good chance he didn't even know I existed. If that is the fact, can I really blame him? The blame is on her. She must carry the weight of her actions.

 

I may appear strong, but I have my moments. I do belong to a Mix Martial Arts gym, so I definitely have an outlet for letting pent up feelings out. I am on a quest for a Therapist as I cannot do this alone. I have a great family and good friends but maybe a therapist's insight will help me cope better.

 

Robbie A. OK listen to me right now before this gets any more out of control. Call the V.A. in your town and let them know you need to speak with a therapist and explain the situation. Granted the Government is full of paperwork but it's just that.

 

They have people on staff that can help you. These are benefits that you have earned so take advantage of it. Don't play games with this. It's a simple phone call or if your close, go to the place and get it done there but do it fast. The VA can provide you with the medication if it's needed too. The Va is your you if you need it. I know this because as of now, I'm a 67 year old man in poor health and they have taken care of me.

[troubadour]

I did not tell my XH's AP's H. I chose not to. I did talk to the OW via facebook message. It gave me some more information that I didn't have, although it didn't matter. He was throwing her under the bus...what a prince!

 

She had 2 children about the same age as my son, who was 20. I didn't care about her at all, but I decided that I could not be a part of them feeling like my son did. He was devastated and his relationship has not been the same with his dad since

 

I felt bad about her H not being told, but when I weighed the choices, it was the decision I made. I have never regretted it. I was angry and hurt, but I felt that XH was the one who had betrayed me. He owed me better; she owed me nothing.

 

 

Actually, informing the other betrayed spouse about the affair is a matter of basic human decency.

[writergal]

Actually, informing the other betrayed spouse about the affair is a matter of basic human decency.

 

One of the worst things the RobbieA could do is become focused on his ex-fiance's boss and if he has a significant other. Sure, it's natural for RobbieA to be curious about the boss, but in the grand scheme of this canceled engagement, the boss and his yet-to-be-confirmed significant other isn't worth RobbieA's time and energy.

 

The real issue is the RobbieA was cheated on by his fiance. His focus needs to remain there, not on who the ex-fiance's boss is. RobbieA, don't obsess over details about the affair between your ex-fiance and her boss. Knowing those details won't change the fact that she cheated on you for a year. Don't waste your energy or humiliate or stress yourself out by confronting your ex-fiance's boss or his yet-to-be-confirmed significant other. Doing any of that will get you into legal trouble. So, I will have to disagree with anyone who believes telling the other betrayed spouse of the affair is a matter of basic human decency.

[Steen719]

Actually, informing the other betrayed spouse about the affair is a matter of basic human decency.

 

You are certainly entitled to your opinion, just as I am. Of course, since this is not a measurable element, an opinion is what you or I have, not a definitive answer to this question.

[merrmeade]

First, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It shouldn't happen to anyone, but it's especially awful that you had to come back from serving your country to this. You've gotten a lot of support and good advice here and are making wise, decent choices about what's important and how to protect yourself.

 

There's been disagreement about contacting the AP's wife or gf, so I think more voices are needed rather than more words. I agree that if there's a wife or gf, she deserves to know. It is the right thing to do. Think of her as a victim. That she's not conscious of the crime doesn't make her any less of a victim. She is helpless until someone tells her.You can do it any number of ways, perhaps even anonymously.

 

I'm sure you'll make a thoughtful decision.

[Sastrugi]

*Don't waste your energy or humiliate or stress yourself out by confronting your ex-fiance's boss or his yet-to-be-confirmed significant other. Doing any of that will get you into legal trouble. So, I will have to disagree with anyone who believes telling the other betrayed spouse of the affair is a matter of basic human decency.

 

I totally disagree with this statement. How could one get in legal trouble by telling the truth to the SO? The only way this could possibly be true is if assault or battery were involved.

 

I do agree that there is no need to confront th OM.

 

As others have said, to tell the BW is OP's choice and a decent thing to do.

 

 

I would want to know if my SO was cheating on me, as would most BS.

[Clay]

I am really sorry this happened to you. I hope you do stay away from her. It sounds like all she will try to do is manipulate you.

 

 

 

 

Clay

[RobbieA]

So today I am going to stop at the VA to see what I can do about speaking to someone, I have many friends who I served with who went that route with PTSD issues.

 

My ex figured out how to text me from a computer, I just kept clicking delete. I have to call my cell phone carrier and block that as well.

 

Someone asked why it took so long for her friends to tell me. First off, these three friends are now distanced from her, that friendship has sailed. The only thing I can think of is that they didn't know the whole year she was cheating and found out recently, or they wanted to wait until I was stateside to tell me and not deployed overseas. Being overseas away from family friends is tough to begin with, maybe they did not want to add more pressure.

 

Trying to fall asleep last night, all I could do is think. This is pretty black and white. She cheated, she got pregnant, therefore she betrayed me, that has consequences. I am not the bad guy by any means.

 

I noticed some of our mutual friends have defriended me on FB. I wonder if it's because they don't want to get involved, or she has spun this story to make it look like she is the victim.

[CarrieT]

Again, don't worry about those "friends" who might take her side. In the long run, you don't need them at all. Cherish those friends who DID stick by you and those who told you the truth about your Ex.

[spanz1]

Hell, take them out to lunch and celebrate! Those 3 friends of your fiance SAVED YOU from marrying a woman who doesn't respect you, period. Your fiance doesn't love or respect you; otherwise she wouldn't have had that affair with her boss.

 

 

That is what I was thinking. Sure it will be a pain/costly to cancel all the wedding plans, but it will be a whole lot cheaper than going thru a divorce a few years later.

 

 

An abortion??? So not only was she cheating, but having unprotected sex too! sounds like she is a real Einstein too!

[spanz1]

I noticed some of our mutual friends have defriended me on FB. I wonder if it's because they don't want to get involved, or she has spun this story to make it look like she is the victim.

 

 

almost certainly. You could tell those friends you did not want to marry her after her abortion! how can they argue with that logic.

[10thengineerharrison]

I have decided that tomorrow, Memorial Day (how ironic), I am going to drop off the evidence, and proceed from there. I do not intend to answer her phone calls, texts etc.

 

After she receives the proof that she betrayed me, I will contact the Wedding Planner and start dismantling the wedding. When that is done, I think I am going to send out a tweet saying the wedding is cancelled, with no explanation.

 

I haven't decided if I should shame her. I am on the fence about that. One thing I am certain of is that she will never be a part of my life again.

 

I realize it's Tuesday and this has probably already happened, but:

 

1. You don't need to reveal your sources. (If you had a hope of recovery or if you were married, this is more important than in this case, where you aren't married). In any case, though, she knows she cheated. You don't need to prove that to her.

 

2. I would simply cancel the wedding. You can let her know why (that you know she cheated), but you don't need to tell her how you know. Cancelling the wedding is simply the right thing to do, so there's no particular reason for cancelling it before or after you tell her. The main thing is to remove yourself from a bad relationship.

 

3. You don't need to shame her. She's already done that to herself.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[kenji_t]

almost certainly. You could tell those friends you did not want to marry her after her abortion! how can they argue with that logic.

 

Why waste his time and energy with those kinds?

 

____

 

Best thing to do now is take care of yourself and just take distance from anything that can take her to you.

 

About the betrayed spouse thing, telling her it's the right thing to do, of course, but do it on the right time. Right now it's best for you to focus on yourself.

[lolablue17]

. First off, these three friends are now distanced from her, that friendship has sailed. The only thing I can think of is that they didn't know the whole year she was cheating and found out recently, or they wanted to wait until I was stateside to tell me and not deployed overseas

 

So her 3 friends, all together, has became distanced from her, and yet they all together at once got the chance to take screenshots of her private computer, with incriminating inconclusive evidence?

[irishguy]

Sounds like you are doing well so far , you need to prepare yourself for seeing her in person , for all the lies and tears and excuses , now that you have her blocked she will come to you in person .

[autumnnight]

OP, you have one focus, concern, and priority right now:

 

YOU

 

Period.

 

Your only job right now is to take care of you.

 

The LAST thing you need is some guyilt trip about what you do or do not to with regard to friends, the AP's wife, blah blah

 

Ignore the guilt tripping and take care of you.

 

Once YOU have actually had a chance to stop reeling from YOUR trauma, then YOU can decide for yourself what to do about that other stuff.

[kylle]

So her 3 friends, all together, has became distanced from her, and yet they all together at once got the chance to take screenshots of her private computer, with incriminating inconclusive evidence?

 

No, they distanced themselves after they caught her cheating and had the proof...

 

Op, you're doing good and don't take any action you don't feel like doing it. Take care of yourself and focus on that.

[10thengineerharrison]

My younger sister will contact her tomorrow to get the ring back, if she hesitates, then legal action is next.

 

Check the laws in your state. In some states, you can't get the ring back unless she willingly gives it to you. My niece's fiance ran off with someone else a few months before the wedding date and his family asked her to send the ring back. She checked the laws in our state and told them "no." She sold it and 3 years later is married to a great guy and has a beautiful daughter.

 

Anyway, you can still ask for it back, but be prepared that she might not return it. Again, depending on the law in your state.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[10thengineerharrison]

I had a chance to sit down with two of the friends who blew the whistle, and I found out some more information, not that it matters at all.

 

My ex (no doubt in my mind we are done) has been at her job for quite some time, the boss who she cheated on me with was new. My ex took down the photos of me and us in her cubicle. There is a good chance he didn't even know I existed. If that is the fact, can I really blame him? The blame is on her. She must carry the weight of her actions.

 

This is so sad. I'm very much pro-choice but anti-abortion. This abortion was so arbitrary and unnecessary. It was about saving face, which it failed to do, not a health risk issue at all. If this guy she cheated with is so great, why not raise the child with him? Too sad.

 

I may appear strong, but I have my moments. I do belong to a Mix Martial Arts gym, so I definitely have an outlet for letting pent up feelings out. I am on a quest for a Therapist as I cannot do this alone. I have a great family and good friends but maybe a therapist's insight will help me cope better.

 

Good idea. A professional can help you cope better than well-meaning family and friends, though they are certainly needed as well.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[10thengineerharrison]

Wow. Well the fault is on your ex-fiance. That's for sure. Doesn't matter one bit if her boss is new or well established at her company. If she removed her photos with you from her Facebook page, and added her new/old boss, that's pretty deceitful and callous.

 

And shows premeditation. She planned to have an affair.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison